Feeling the need to bitch about my sister.
At therapy last Friday, it was revealed to me why I have been so mad at my sister lately: her actions completely conflict with my moral grounds. She dated this guy for at least a year, I want to say, but it could've been shorter. I was in school then so I didn't really see him or her very often. Then she had a mental breakdown, was hospitalized for anorexia, dropped out of school etc etc. Has been living at home since. Dated another guy for a year, broke it off with him (cheated on him at the very end, I believe, with some other guy that she'd been mildly involved with in the past), got back with the first guy. They dated for at least 3 more years. Both living at respective parents house, not having steady jobs. Basically not growing up. More than once I can recall talking to her about them breaking up, about how she should really spend some time being single and getting comfortable with herself. So you can see how I'd end up feeling like she never takes my advice and doesn't have a great track record.
And then she cheats on this guy, and breaks up with him. Good, we all say with a collective sigh of relief (we being my family, esp. me and my mom). Then she starts dating the guy with which she did the cheating. Argh. My mom and I had a bitch-fest about this once, wondering how (it seemed) she had come to the conclusion that she was worthless if she wasn't dating someone. She's gone from guy to guy since she was 16, with her first relationship being one that involved a promise ring (not sure if it's fair to call a pre-18 ring an engagement ring, though it did have a diamond). I realized that my distance from her and her new boyfriend has nothing to do with him, since I don't know a damn thing about him except that he likes making ties and has a lot of tattoos and a hipster 'stache (for goodness sake, he uses Dapper Dan POMADE), and everything to do with my anger over what she did. I try to abide by "You never know what you'd do until your'e in the situation", but I feel strongly that I would never cheat on my boyfriend or be so in denial about my relationship like she has been.
I feel like the "big sister" instead of the little one, and that's disappointing. I'm the family member that gets teased constantly for my way of eating (but she was the odd one out first, being vegan), for my hair, for my tattoo (and she was first to get the larger one). My parents have never been able to see the inequality in the way they treat their children. Maybe I am just too good at hiding how I feel, like my dad is, to my family at least. She needs to get her own insurance later this year because she can't be covered on my parents' past 26 yrs, and I don't see any progress in her trying to find regular employment (she's a "nanny" now) or seeking out her own insurance. I cannot imagine trying to speak to my sister about how I feel because I know I would immediately be angry, and she would immediately be defensive. If I was getting married tomorrow, I would not want a maid of honor or bride's maids because she is pretty much my only choice and I wouldn't want her.
So. I'm pretty nervous about interacting with my immediate family this weekend at my aunt's wedding because of my sister being a fool and my dad being an asshole (calling me "defaced" and not thinking anything of it).