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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 98

  1. #971
    namelesswonder's Avatar
    namelesswonder is online now Moderator
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    Primal Fuel
    Haha no worries about the ellipsis, they are useful, but I try to be very aware of how/when I use them so as not to be excessive and unnecessary. I won't judge!
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  2. #972
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    Feeling the need to bitch about my sister.

    At therapy last Friday, it was revealed to me why I have been so mad at my sister lately: her actions completely conflict with my moral grounds. She dated this guy for at least a year, I want to say, but it could've been shorter. I was in school then so I didn't really see him or her very often. Then she had a mental breakdown, was hospitalized for anorexia, dropped out of school etc etc. Has been living at home since. Dated another guy for a year, broke it off with him (cheated on him at the very end, I believe, with some other guy that she'd been mildly involved with in the past), got back with the first guy. They dated for at least 3 more years. Both living at respective parents house, not having steady jobs. Basically not growing up. More than once I can recall talking to her about them breaking up, about how she should really spend some time being single and getting comfortable with herself. So you can see how I'd end up feeling like she never takes my advice and doesn't have a great track record.

    And then she cheats on this guy, and breaks up with him. Good, we all say with a collective sigh of relief (we being my family, esp. me and my mom). Then she starts dating the guy with which she did the cheating. Argh. My mom and I had a bitch-fest about this once, wondering how (it seemed) she had come to the conclusion that she was worthless if she wasn't dating someone. She's gone from guy to guy since she was 16, with her first relationship being one that involved a promise ring (not sure if it's fair to call a pre-18 ring an engagement ring, though it did have a diamond). I realized that my distance from her and her new boyfriend has nothing to do with him, since I don't know a damn thing about him except that he likes making ties and has a lot of tattoos and a hipster 'stache (for goodness sake, he uses Dapper Dan POMADE), and everything to do with my anger over what she did. I try to abide by "You never know what you'd do until your'e in the situation", but I feel strongly that I would never cheat on my boyfriend or be so in denial about my relationship like she has been.

    I feel like the "big sister" instead of the little one, and that's disappointing. I'm the family member that gets teased constantly for my way of eating (but she was the odd one out first, being vegan), for my hair, for my tattoo (and she was first to get the larger one). My parents have never been able to see the inequality in the way they treat their children. Maybe I am just too good at hiding how I feel, like my dad is, to my family at least. She needs to get her own insurance later this year because she can't be covered on my parents' past 26 yrs, and I don't see any progress in her trying to find regular employment (she's a "nanny" now) or seeking out her own insurance. I cannot imagine trying to speak to my sister about how I feel because I know I would immediately be angry, and she would immediately be defensive. If I was getting married tomorrow, I would not want a maid of honor or bride's maids because she is pretty much my only choice and I wouldn't want her.

    So. I'm pretty nervous about interacting with my immediate family this weekend at my aunt's wedding because of my sister being a fool and my dad being an asshole (calling me "defaced" and not thinking anything of it).
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  3. #973
    drssgchic's Avatar
    drssgchic is offline Senior Member
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    Since you're already the bigger person, continue to be so. Smile with them, be polite, and interact on a purely superficial level. You don't need the stress they're giving you right now, so don't take it. Don't be rude, don't be overtly dismissive, but don't spend any more energy on them than you need to right now. Spend time with your mom and anyone else there that you really like. The people that SHOULD have your time and energy.

    It sucks, though, that you two (and you and your dad) interact that way. Family is important. On the other hand, that does not justify them belittling you.
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    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

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  4. #974
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    I think on the one hand I'm really good at those superficial interactions, but they stress me out. I am going to try and spend as much time with the rest of my family, and get away when I can't. My aunt, grandmother, cousins & family will be there, so there will be plenty to talk about! And The Avengers is coming out, so we can escape to see that at some point. Oh and Boyfriend will be with me so that should help me not explode. We tend to keep each other cool. If it weren't for me, he would have attempted to beat of many if not most of my immediate family members by now ><

    I feel especially conflicted because I want to be 100% behind my sister, but I am totally not 100% behind the way she acts. How do I know when it's okay to be like "Bitch, you are being pretty sucky" in terms of attitude and avoidance for sanity-retention-purposes, and when to say, "I got you."
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  5. #975
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    My sister irritates me too. She says one thing and then does something else. Most recently she decided she'd rather be single b/c it's easier, less drama, more time for her kids, etc, and then a week later she was sleeping with/half dating a guy she'd been friends with for quite some time. Of course, the relationship didn't last long b/c I swear this guy has a new fling every week, and now they're barely friends, which is exactly why she didn't want to date him, but she did anyway. Then today, he posted on facebook that he's "in a relationship" with some girl. She texts me and said "wanna take bets on how long this one will last". After a bit more conversation I asked her why it bothers her so much that he's got a new girlfriend (less than a week after they split, mind you) if she doesn't want a boyfriend. She got all defensive and said it's not bothering her when she was blatantly bashing him and saying "he'll be in love next week". Sometimes people just annoy me, but it seems family annoys me more.
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  6. #976
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    Maybe it's because we (or I at least) expect more from them, being family? I love them, and I want to put them on a higher pedestal than others maybe because I love them, but then they fall short of my expectations and it's rather crushing. That kind of attitude sounds a lot like my sister in some ways. Boyfriend is so good about understanding his family's failings and still being ready to fight to the death for them, and I just don't understand how to do that when I've felt so betrayed (legitimately, from insults, and also just from perceived short-comings and my own bias I suppose).

    Adding you on FB btw, if you don't mind.
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  7. #977
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    I got your friend request. Pretty name, by the way! I accepted your friend request and will facebook stalk you now. bwahahahaha
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  8. #978
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    Just stopped in to say I really like your new picture (the purple is fabulous), but then I started reading about your sister...wonder how she got to feeling like she 'needs' a man. Sorry it's causing you angst.

  9. #979
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    I'm not really sure how to deal with it. My favorite brother growing up pretty much stopped talking to me when I started taking medication for my depression. Not that he ever talked much, but now it's pretty much never. That is one way of dealing with siblings.

    Is there any way for you to sit her down and say "I'm here for you, I have your back, but what you are doing concerns me" ? I mean a serious conversation about it. Maybe she also isn't used to having someone have her back and that's why she jumps from man to man, looking for that. After you have had a conversation like that, I think that opens the door to possible "I love you, but I'm not ok with what you're doing " conversations. Maybe?
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

  10. #980
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    Quote Originally Posted by drssgchic View Post
    Is there any way for you to sit her down and say "I'm here for you, I have your back, but what you are doing concerns me" ? I mean a serious conversation about it. Maybe she also isn't used to having someone have her back and that's why she jumps from man to man, looking for that. After you have had a conversation like that, I think that opens the door to possible "I love you, but I'm not ok with what you're doing " conversations. Maybe?
    Good idea!!
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