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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 97

  1. #961
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    Maybe that will be a little project for when I'm feeling creative. I don't have to worry about crafting something new because I have (probably) hundreds of documents going back to 2004 or earlier with various writings. I probably also have some in old journals, but I don't think I want to venture there (yet). A prose entry here or there would probably help to tell a story, rather than just having a book of emotions, which I feel would be rather overwhelming.
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  2. #962
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    It's nice you have someone who's got your back! That's something I've searched for high and low, friends/ bf, but never found and had to rely for on myself (and my brain is sometimes too damaged to be of any help).
    It's really important to have an outside view sometimes...

    Sometimes I think about getting therapy too but I'm too chicken (and too poor). Glad you've got someone that helps you figure things out.
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  3. #963
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    Quote Originally Posted by NoSaladWithoutMeat View Post
    Sometimes I think about getting therapy too but I'm too chicken (and too poor). Glad you've got someone that helps you figure things out.
    Have you looked at a local university that has a psychology department? My sister-in-law sees a psychology student (grad student) who isn't licensed so can't charge hefty prices. SIL pays $5 a visit for her therapy sessions 1x per week. The gal she's seeing is pretty good and easy to talk to according to SIL. Maybe that'd be something to look into?
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  4. #964
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    ^I've gone to free sessions at my university in the past, and my boyfriend recently went to one. They'll usually offer at least a few free sessions, if you have some kind of counselling center, and then help you find professional help. What happened to Canada having amazing health care?! =P And anyway, I understanding feeling nervous about it, but it's really quite relieving to be able to bitch about yourself and all your fears without any risk of judgement. These people are quite well trained in not revealing their personal feelings about whatever you say!

    I went off-plan a bit this weekend and my gut is rumbling about it, but I'm doing okay. I did not get everything done this weekend that I've originally intended, but it was a fairly stress-free weekend. Boyfriend seemed to have a pretty good weekend too. He's been throwing himself into his studying (two finals this week then he's done until the summer course starts up) and actually enjoying it, so that's awesome! We went out to dinner twice (Mexican) and I had rice and beans both times. My gut is not thanking me for it, but I imagine I'll feel better tomorrow. I've been having heart burn lately, since early last week, but I'm chalking it up to some off-plan eating, stress, and poor sleep. So as soon as I get all that under control, I should be fine! =\

    Boyfriend's sleeping is slowly getting back on track. I had to get him out of bed this weekend so he'd go to bed at proper times. I just hope I can keep that up this week when I might be going to bed earlier than him. Ultimately, I just need him to stay awake to help me drive to Maryland Thursday night, and not worrying about him making it to his finals. He took one of my Tyrosine this morning to see if it helps him stay focused. I'm curious if he'll notice any changes. I'm taking a break from it myself. I feel pretty well focused (aside from being tired from staying up too late), though I was noticeably more anxious yesterday. I had a hard time making eye contact at dinner (with Boyfriend's parents). It was manageable though.

    My kitty, Fae, is getting vaccinated tomorrow. I bought all the supplies we need this weekend. All we need now is some of the food my mom has been feeding her (I bought a brand called Orijen, supposed to be "biologically appropriate") to ease the transition and then she can come home! I'm so excited. I'm sure it'll be pretty lack-luster once she's at the apartment, but she's a good cuddler so it will be nice to have her around when it's chilly I hope we're not too wiped next Sunday when we get back from Maryland so we can go pick her up and bring her home! And I hope there's no issues with her finding the new litter box hehe

    Boyfriend and I are looking into moving to a cheaper apartment. We could move to a different area since Boyfriend will be working for the next year as well, but that depends on where he ends up finding a job (commuting via T [aka subway] would be best for his stress levels). We have until September (when our lease is up) to figure it out, anyway. I doubt I'm getting a raise this year considering the rough start, so it would be very helpful to have reduced rent and be able to save up a bit easier. There's an apartment building nearby that may have availability and has some utilities included, so we're hoping we can get a unit there. I hate following up with property management companies, it's so hard to find time to view a unit, but there's no rush on this at least. Worst comes to worst, we can bunk with Boyfriend's parents for a month (hopefully no longer than that, it was rough doing that for 8 months last year!) while we wait for a place to become available.

    I am feeling much less depressed lately, but boredom is still my worst enemy. I had a hard time getting motivated to do anything that would make me not bored this weekend, but I managed okay. I'm glad it's a short week since I'm taking Friday off.
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  5. #965
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  6. #966
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    I find boredom to be a problem too. Once I get bored, I get lazy and then I don't get a thing done... and then I get stressed, then overwhelmed, then anxious... it's a viscious cycle.

    I'm glad your depression is lighter today. Mine is getting better too and I even reduced my lexapro dosage from 20 to 10 mg on Saturday. I feel pretty good and the withdrawal symptoms are managable. I hope your condition continues to improve.
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  7. #967
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    Good luck with your dosage reduction! I found that it took 2-3 weeks for the massive withdrawal effects to hit when I was reducing. Always sucked

    Ugh, I smell cloves, and it makes me think of clove cigarettes. I never smoked much, but I did have a brief djarum black phase (like all good emo kids do). It makes me a bit sick to smell/think about, but I still get the urge to smoke sometimes. It's super obnoxious that I can get those urges despite never experiencing a nicotine addiction. I have, what they call, an "addictive personality", and it's not like it sounds. Fortunately, I suppose, for me, Boyfriend grew up with a smoking mother and he has no tolerance for such habits, so picking up the habit would probably be the end of our relationship. Like with cutting, it's a bit of a lure having it so firmly denied to me, but I know it to be for the best.
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  8. #968
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Thank you! I've considered publishing a book of angsty teen poetry aimed at angsty teens dealing with depression and self-injury, as a kind of support book, but I have a hard time re-reading my old poems. Some of them are just incredibly depressing and I worry about triggering sensitive readers, and others are just plain awful, but that's partially the point. I've re-written some, and may go back to re-write others. This seems like a kind of collaborative effort, though, and it would be hard to organize the poems (organize by topic? time line through my depression through to "recovery"?) and I have no idea how I could get other writers on board.

    I like sharing my writing, and will be sure to post links here if I write more.
    Your concern is excellent-- I don't know if it would trigger others who have been through similar experiences, but even recognizing that certainly shows your ability to communicate with that particular audience. I'll get my fix by reading the poems from here for now!

    I'm glad your journal has been so therapeutic for you. In the long run, that's more important than any level of notoriety it could possibly provide with an audience. And I'm willing to bet there are some web-lurkers out there who find it pretty therapeutic too.
    {so tempted to end that sentence with an ellipse, must resist!}
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  9. #969
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    Haha no worries about the ellipsis, they are useful, but I try to be very aware of how/when I use them so as not to be excessive and unnecessary. I won't judge!
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  10. #970
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    Feeling the need to bitch about my sister.

    At therapy last Friday, it was revealed to me why I have been so mad at my sister lately: her actions completely conflict with my moral grounds. She dated this guy for at least a year, I want to say, but it could've been shorter. I was in school then so I didn't really see him or her very often. Then she had a mental breakdown, was hospitalized for anorexia, dropped out of school etc etc. Has been living at home since. Dated another guy for a year, broke it off with him (cheated on him at the very end, I believe, with some other guy that she'd been mildly involved with in the past), got back with the first guy. They dated for at least 3 more years. Both living at respective parents house, not having steady jobs. Basically not growing up. More than once I can recall talking to her about them breaking up, about how she should really spend some time being single and getting comfortable with herself. So you can see how I'd end up feeling like she never takes my advice and doesn't have a great track record.

    And then she cheats on this guy, and breaks up with him. Good, we all say with a collective sigh of relief (we being my family, esp. me and my mom). Then she starts dating the guy with which she did the cheating. Argh. My mom and I had a bitch-fest about this once, wondering how (it seemed) she had come to the conclusion that she was worthless if she wasn't dating someone. She's gone from guy to guy since she was 16, with her first relationship being one that involved a promise ring (not sure if it's fair to call a pre-18 ring an engagement ring, though it did have a diamond). I realized that my distance from her and her new boyfriend has nothing to do with him, since I don't know a damn thing about him except that he likes making ties and has a lot of tattoos and a hipster 'stache (for goodness sake, he uses Dapper Dan POMADE), and everything to do with my anger over what she did. I try to abide by "You never know what you'd do until your'e in the situation", but I feel strongly that I would never cheat on my boyfriend or be so in denial about my relationship like she has been.

    I feel like the "big sister" instead of the little one, and that's disappointing. I'm the family member that gets teased constantly for my way of eating (but she was the odd one out first, being vegan), for my hair, for my tattoo (and she was first to get the larger one). My parents have never been able to see the inequality in the way they treat their children. Maybe I am just too good at hiding how I feel, like my dad is, to my family at least. She needs to get her own insurance later this year because she can't be covered on my parents' past 26 yrs, and I don't see any progress in her trying to find regular employment (she's a "nanny" now) or seeking out her own insurance. I cannot imagine trying to speak to my sister about how I feel because I know I would immediately be angry, and she would immediately be defensive. If I was getting married tomorrow, I would not want a maid of honor or bride's maids because she is pretty much my only choice and I wouldn't want her.

    So. I'm pretty nervous about interacting with my immediate family this weekend at my aunt's wedding because of my sister being a fool and my dad being an asshole (calling me "defaced" and not thinking anything of it).
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