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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 94

  1. #931
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    Primal Fuel
    Sometimes I wonder what my life would've been like if I'd stuck with therapy and/or if I'd become a psych major as I have sometimes considered doing. Would I have completed my studies and gone for a masters and/or PhD or some kind of certification for the brain shizz? It has been coming up more recently, my personal quandries on how to best help others who are in the same boat I've been in and out of for years. Someone I went to high school with posted on their livejournal about their using self-injury to distract themselves from physical pain (they have been very sick for a while now, I firmly believe paleo could help if they take digestive enzymes to adjust to meat consumption again [vegetarian]. Basically, I respond to them with some of my o wn writings on dealing with depression, anxiety, and self-injury, and they thank me and make some excuses for their behavior. I write back and (hopefully gently) try to dissuade them from making excuses

    More often than not, with Boyfriend, I say nothing because it doesn't help him to be reminded of the things that are difficult and/or he isn't doing when he knows he should. I just worry so damn much. I am feeling a little desperate and really want to be fixed. Thoughts of hurting myself have been popping up more, even little blips of suicidal thoughts (just wonderings like, "I could turn into traffic", but not a real desire to end it all). I feel guilty for feeling bad because Boyfriend is depressed. It's so stupid! I can't take my own advice right now and not feel guilty for having a stupid reason to want to hurt myself. Maybe I should not be offering advise to others.

    Supplements: Currently taking 500mg of Tyrosine in the morning, 10k IU of Vitamin D (meaning to lower this to 8k or 6k, but keep automatically putting in 5 drops), 100+ billion probiotic, fish oil when I remember (a few times a week); at night, I'm taking 100mg of 5-HTP (supposed to be 50mg at dinner, 50mg at bedtime, but we've been eating late so I take it all at once), ~500mg of Magnesium (half at dinner, half at bedtime, same issue with 5-HTP timing). I just keep wondering what I could try changing, and what might help if I try to change it. I feel like more Tyrosine might help, but I'm not sure if it's anxiety triggering depression, or depression triggering anxiety, in which case, more 5-HTP or something different might be the answer.

    Sleep: I think taking my sleepy supplements so close to bed instead of staggering it with an earlier dinner is making me much more sleepy the next day. My motivation to get out of bed earlier than usual (7AM) was the company prez visiting. At least I'm not getting to work late anymore, but I should still be getting in earlier (like I did today) so that my timecard isn't a lie.

    Food: I nibbled on stuff yesterday: some almond butter and a banana after work. I had my last Larabar this morning (printed a coupon for more). I told myself I'd just eat whatever I wanted, and I wasn't hungry after dinner (sushi), so it worked out okay. I ate maybe around 10 oz of ground beef (burger patties) this morning, but I still really wanted fruit. Company lunch should provide me with a salad, which I will probably disappear with (hate socializing at work). I am hoping to get out tonight to get more food like fruit and potatoes. I had to explain to some co-workers how I eat yesterday, and it was awkward, but they were nice and genuinely curious. I did not feel it would be appropriate to forward them any information after the fact, but I'm wondering what a good intro to paleo/primal site would be. MDA is a little forward, IMO.

    Exercise: Yesterday I said "You should do something" and did 30 swings with the KB in the morning. My hips were popping and I was bored, so I didn't do anymore. I did 13 bent over rows on each side. I think I can push past that number next time. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. Whatever, as long as something happens this weekend I'll be happy about it.

    I ABSOLUTELY MUST NO EXCUSES FOR IT GO TO THE BANK TOMORROW MORNING.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  2. #932
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    And somehow depression ALWAYS motivates me to write. I browsed my gallery on DeviantArt and found this piece
    Who I met... by ~cloudysoul on deviantART
    It needs re-writing. Thinking about how script-based tattooed could be conveyed in images made me realize that I can say what I need to say in this piece through description and not blatant statements like "She felt pretty".

    [edit] re-wrote it, fairly happy with the out-come. Some of my short stories need re-writing or serious editing, but I don't think I have the energy or focus to do that today. I'm just not sure how to approach it. I can see the passage of events in my head, but I can't seem to figure out how to make the words occur in the style I want (teen-friendly fiction).
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 04-19-2012 at 08:04 AM.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  3. #933
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    Budget: My budget is on a break. More shit came down the tube yesterday, for Boyfriend, just when he was getting his bills under control. It's a long standing bill that was supposed to be paid off by his parents ages ago, but they forgot, and Boyfriend was about to get sued if he didn't settle for most of the remaining balance to be paid immediately. So I ended up cashing more of my Savings Bonds and will be the primary spender for the rest of the month, as long as he gets me some gluten-free cider for our Drunk Raid tonight. I'm still going to be hyper-attentive to my account balances and unnecessary spending, but I am going to use the bonds for some things that would make life a little nicer/easier right now, like new razor-blade heads, maybe some blonde hair-dye for me, and maybe I'll get a trim this weekend around my neck & ears. I left the bonds money in cash to make the spending accountability a little easier for me (I'll be keeping receipts).

    Mood/Brain shizz: I got all my supplements in last night at the appropriate times (dinner was not so late as it has been recently), but I woke up during the night, sweltering, so that probably accounts for today's fatigue. Fortunately, it's only physical. I am feeling much better mentally today, though it may just be the impending weekend. I know I will probably feel worse later, as the day drags on and I'll probably be bored, but I feel able to look forward to getting out of work instead of just feeling miserable and pessimistic.

    I dreamt last night that my mom was going to pay for my cat's vet visit (wondering if I can allocate some of the bonds money towards that, but that's a low priority) for updated vaccines, and then I just had to worry about a little box, litter, and some initial food (forgetting about flea treatment required by lease April-October). It was more than a little confusing and disappointing when I woke up this morning and realized this hadn't happened. I think it would benefit both Boyfriend and me to have a cat in the house.

    Whole30: I guess I'm bailing on the Whole30, but I'm still determined to eat clean for the rest of the month, in terms of avoiding soy, corn & wheat/refined sugar. I'm still not worried about rice consumption (mostly because it's been incredibly unappealing to me lately) and if I have beans, it'll probably only be once (and totally worth it, Mexican dinners FTW), if we go out to eat. I'm also not concerned about dairy because I know I don't have an allergy and it's not something I "over-do". I just realized there will probably be cake at my aunt's wedding, or some other dessert. Maybe I will pick up some Haagen Daz to eat instead, so it's not as difficult to avoid.

    Grocery wish list: (I may or may not buy these things for the coming week) Soybean oil-free tomato sauce for meatzza, potatoes (sweet and russet or those little reddish ones), Larabars, spaghetti squash, protein powder (maybe? maybe not?), FRRRRUUUUIIIITTTT (and pre-frozen berries)

    Food: I think I will make some egg muffins with ground beef this weekend, maybe toss in some peppers too. That sounds like a good way to use up some eggs without getting tired of them (because omelettes, fried eggs, and scrambled eggs don't appeal to me right now). I will probably drink tonight because I know it will be an enjoyable way to relax.

    Weekend happenings: Tomorrow afternoon, I go to start coloring my tattoo. I will post an updated progress picture here if anyone is interested, otherwise I'll save it for a final reveal. I forgot I was going to try to post pictures here more often! Ah well. Other than that, I just need to top off the scooter tank and relax this weekend. Too bad it's going to cool off and get rainy on Sunday
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  4. #934
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    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  5. #935
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    I could be biased here due to my unrequited love type relationship with dairy, but from my experience if you want to lose weight you gotta kick dairy in the shins.

    But it seems like you're focusing on cutting out things slowly, so I'll refrain from expanding on the unsolicited advice.

    Have you tried the cauliflower pizza? It uses cauli and shredded mozarella to bind it as a crust. It's one of the best tasting fake pizzas out there for PBers. Since I can't have dairy, you should make it so I can at least have it vicariously ;p

  6. #936
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    I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm trying to gain or maintain because I don't eat enough! Dairy is A-Okay with me, I mostly don't have it often because the good stuff is too expensive. Accidentally not eating enough seemed to get me to my goal weight, but I don't recommend it.

    I'm very curious about cauliflower pizza, but Boyfriend is not really on board with anything that pretends to be SAD food. If I call it pizza, it has to taste like pizza. Meatzza, on the other hand, is effing delicious, but I can never get the meat to stay together for the crust.

    Oh and whoever said that filling in a tattoo is less painful than the outline was a LYING SACK OF SHIT. It hurt A LOT. But I'm still looking forward to my last session in 3 weeks to finish it up and add color.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  7. #937
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  8. #938
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    Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Monday ramblings
    My mom is paying for Fae's vaccinations this week, so as soon as I have the money for the starter supplies (probably going to be at least $100, with most of that being for some kind of flea control), my kitty is coming home! I am so excited.

    Food: I "cheated" a bit and got some gluten-free cookies this weekend. I needed a treat so I got pre-mixed cookie dough and mix in a bag. I baked up the dough and really need to locate the brand name on the receipt because I want to review it: it was not very good. The texture was perfectly cookie-like, but it kind of tasted bitter, like baking soda maybe. I had Boyfriend take a nibble to make sure it wasn't just my hyper-sensitive taste buds, but alas, they just tasted funky. That didn't stop me from eating them though The taste helped me not go overboard with them hehe. I picked up some potatoes this weekend and made some awesome oven fries last night. I was actually full after dinner, but I hadn't eaten lunch so the hunger came back at bedtime. Boo.

    Mood/Brain shizz: My depression seems to have lifted over the weekend. Maybe it was not being at work, maybe it had just run its course, but I feel better. I think I will decrease the dose of 5-HTP again because I'm still feeling very groggy in the morning and have had a harder time thinking. If that doesn't improve the thought-fog, I will try increasing Tyrosine. I'll try to wait until next week before I mess with it. My therapy appointment is this Friday and, of course, now I feel like I won't know what to talk about. I guess I will just explain the situation with Boyfriend's depression and my initial response to it, and see what she has to say.

    Sleep: I'm sleeping pretty well with taking magnesium and 5-HTP at dinner and before bed, but white noise seems to keep me asleep the best. I woke up a lot last night as Boyfriend moved around the apartment and he wasn't being overly loud. The white noise of the air purifier helps me stay asleep and mask the sounds of movement when he stays up all night, I think. I will try not to forget turning that on again! I still need to get a new filter for it.

    Exercise: I did the week 1 workout for Jillian Michaels' Shredded in 30 Days this weekend. Boyfriend joined in for a little while, his shoulder seems to handle stretching out quite well and he can manage a few push-ups with no pain. It's mostly the lack of strength and mobility that bothers him now, but physical therapy and careful stretching and working it should help with that (he sees the surgeon for another follow-up today so we'll know more about his limitations). Anyway I'm still fairly sore 2 days later. I can imagine that I will feel fine by tomorrow and may try to do the video again. I really hate doing it, mostly because I hate cardio and I suck at it, but Michaels is pretty damn annoying so I just hate on her the whole time and push through it. Maybe I will mute the video and put on some music, just watching for the cues.

    Body: Maybe it's just the depression lifting, but I felt really good about my body this weekend. Sunday, the day after the workout, I realized I had those rib-muscles (they look like ribs, but it's the muscles over/between the ribs) for the first time ever! I also feel like my abs are much more defined and was happy to have sore glutes. I can't see enough in our small bathroom mirror to really see how my whole body is changing, but I'm happy with the progress on my upper body and arms. I think if I do the week 1 workout for a couple of weeks and then alternate with week 1 and week 2, I should be able to increase my plank-hold and push-ups pretty quickly. I'll keep doing kettlebell swings on "off days" when I'm not sore. I'm pretty sure my pants aren't fitting as loosely as they have been recently (a certain pair, size 4, from Old Navy, that only started fitting within the last month) because of muscular changes because I definitely haven't put on any fat.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  9. #939
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    Much better profile pic! I'd hold off on the tattoos though. I don't like them myself. Very permanent.

  10. #940
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Ugh apparently the protein powder gives me terrible stomach aches. Or maybe it's the coconut oil? That's what I cooked lunch in and I ate a little as well as melting some to mix into my protein shake. Coconut milk used to give me pretty bad stomach aches when I used it in shakes. It's the kind of feeling like I might have to run to the bathroom, which is not a bad thing considering the likelihood of constipation.

    I've been reading about oil pulling a bit today. I bet it would really help Boyfriend, who has quite soft teeth and has had many cavities, and I'm curious if it would be good for my gums, which have a tendency to recede (but only once episode that felt like recession since going primal, yaayy). I might try a spoonful of CO before my shower, spitting it out after I dry off, for a few weeks and see how my mouth feels. It'll help use up the stinky (smells like coconut which I don't like hehe) CO I have!

    Edit: I didn't think about my energy levels at all today until just now! Maybe it was going home halfway through the day for about an hour (Boyfriend needed the car to get to an appointment) that rejuvenated me, but I didn't really feel tired or lethargic until right now. Wish I could go home for lunch everyday, but it means 1.5 hrs out of the office including travel time, which isn't really feasible
    Just randomly reading your journal, not even sure if you still read. Dr elie tooth program is amazing.. my 5 year old daughter healed 4 small early carries *cavities* and I healed 3 as well.
    Ask Dr. Ellie

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