Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 93

[drssgchic]

ASmallOne- he's a keeper for sure! That's awesome!

Wonder- glad things are getting sorted out. Keep us updated.

[namelesswonder]

I think he found the appointment helpful. He has another, but it's not till the 25th. They recommended that he look into starting up martial arts again, but keep in mind that no matter how much he enjoys it, he's going to really have to push himself to go. I brought a few pamphlets home to review the "how to help someone with depression stuff". I've never felt those pamphlets were helpful before, but they actually had some excellent points in them!

Tomorrow is his b.day and he's really not into them. I want to make sure he has a good day and feels loved so I'm trying to think of ways to keep him/us busy all day. I'm going to make him cake in a mug & bacon in the AM (maybe eggs if he wants them), give him a silly card & last present (shirt from shirt.woot.com that I think will suit him, the other was a BACON STRIPS shirt from Epic Mealtime). Maybe we'll go for a matinee showing of 21 Jump Street? Unfortunately I also have to make sure he spends some time on his senior thesis research paper on animal creativity =\

[namelesswonder]

Got my first negative response to the tattoo, from my dad's friend. "Oh, so you're DEFACED..." And then my dad said, "Yeah, that's what I said, too."

Yeesh.

People can dislike tattoos all they want, but that kind of disdain from my dad? Not okay, at least not okay for him to express it like that. Really doesn't want to make me go to my parents' house. Not the first time we've had an issue like this with them either. I really don't want to hear that kind of thing from him.

I caved and had some cake and a few cinnamon rolls on Boyfriend's birthday (he had a great day and thanked me for it <3) and felt INCREDIBLY ill this morning. I felt like pooping and vomiting simultaneously, but only managed the former. I drank some kombucha in the afternoon, stomached some kielbasa at my parents' Easter party, and am now having some eggs and bacon courtesy of Boyfriend. Here's hoping my appetite is back tomorrow or work is going to suck.

Boyfriend is having a good evening working on a presentation. I just hope he can keep busy and hopeful tomorrow while I'm at work.

[fpsjosh01]

Yuck! Don't worry about parental stuff, they always disaproove.

As for the stomach ache, yeah, drink the bucha... I had a similar experience with wheat the other day.

Yay eggs and bacon. Glad everything seems to be working out for you.

Feel better!

[namelesswonder]

I don't mind that my dad doesn't approve, it's that language I suppose... I'm not a building, I don't have graffiti on me. If someone physically attacked me on the street for my tattoo, would he back me up? I'm sure he would. So why would he support a friend of his verbally abusing me? I don't know, I have a hard time separating what's okay in terms of him "not having to approve" and what's not okay in terms of him not being rude to me. It seemed rude. I asked my mom to talk to him. He doesn't have to support the tattoo, but he should support me, and saying that I'm "defaced" does not seem supportive. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I don't want to think about it, I have enough on my mental plate.

My stomach is still not feeling great today. I struggled to eat last night, didn't even finish the two eggs. The fatty bacon seemed to do my stomach good, eating fat seemed right, but today I'm just craving fruit. I made sure to take my super strong probiotic this morning (with Vitamin D & Tyrosine) and I think it's helped because my appetite is returning. Hopefully Boyfriend will be up before lunch time and can pick up some fruit or something for me so I can swing home for lunch and make a smoothie. The only prepared food at home right now is rice and that just doesn't seem appetizing to me right now. I don't think the fruit will be filling (I could really go for some almond butter though mmmm), but it just seems like the right thing to eat.

I haven't been very active lately, but I have been trying to walk around more. I realized that I'm not as weak as I used to be when Boyfriend's sister was messing around with a 5 lb dumbbell on Saturday and I saw how thin her arms are, I used to be that thin! I love my baby biceps

It's going to be a longer week than normal. Going home for lunch today, my dentist appointment in the morning on Wednesday, and the president of the company visiting Thursday and Friday means I need to work a little later than usual and be super on time so nobody gets in trouble! At least I have Saturday to look forward to: starting to fill in my tattoo!

[namelesswonder]

Lunch = smoothie (almond milk [unsweetened, not Whole30 compliant, but extra nutrition is important to me right now), spoonful of almond butter, banana, some mixed frozen berries) & a coconut/chocolate Larabar (on sale for $0.99 at Shaws!).

My stomach is hating on me a bit right now. I'm slightly hungry, but mostly tired and nauseous. Meat does not sound appealing right now, but fat kind of does (fulfilled my desire for fruit for the time being). Fortunately I don't have to worry about le bébé (because normally this kind of nausea would make me worry about pregnancy) because I have my period. I wonder if that is contributing to this huge blow-back from my cheat. Then again, those cinnamon rolls had a lot going bad for them (wheat, soy flour, sugar, were the things that stood out to me in the ingredients).

Inspiring read of the day - Fattest People in Paleo | Paleo Parents

My yeast infection symptoms have diminished since last week, but maybe I'm just not noticing them because of my period. I'll wait at least until it's over before I decide if I'm going back on Candex for a while. I immediately stopped pooping regularly when I stopped taking it, but with the cheats I've had lately, I don't want to rule anything out until I have some consistency and am not feeling terrible anyway.

[namelesswonder]

We ate out last night (finally saw 21 Jump St, very funny) and I got salmon with veggies & sweet potato fries. My stomach was gurgley after, and I felt a bit sick, but it stayed down just fine. I still feel bloated and gassy today, appetite is still iffy. Eggs sound really unappealing right now, unless they were hard-boiled, but my eggs are probably still pretty fresh, so anyway, breakfast didn't happen. I ate a Lara Bar and a banana a little while ago, a little gurgling, but otherwise okay. My digestive issues are presenting themselves in the form of unpleasant and unusual bowel movements. I hope I don't end up ravenous later today with nothing to eat. Well, I do have a couple of potato skins (free from dinner, they forgot to cook them so we got them to go) that I could heat up, but the thought of cheese makes my stomach turn right now. I wonder why that is.

The two Lara Bars I've had over the past couple of days makes me want to get a small food processor so I can make my own "bars" with nuts & dates and suck. I wonder if it would be much cheaper, I got mine for $0.99/ea, they were on sale. My friend at paleoonabudget.com often posts coupons for them as well.

Work is mildly busy while we prepare for some network transitions (it's taken SO LONG to get to this point) and the president of the company visiting Thursday and Friday. Mostly I need to be throwing out some old equipment, which will keep me busy physically, which is a good thing. Maybe I can get my gut back into gear by burning through some of this ick, haha.

I am still feeling fairly stressed emotionally. I miscalculated my finances this month and there were some unexpected purchases (supplements) so I'm worrying about $$ as usual. Being responsible sucks. I'm going to cash some savings bonds (I have a fair few of them and none will mature for another 8+ years because of extended maturity dates) to make the next couple of months easier with covering my tattoo (irresponsible spending I suppose, but good for my emotions) and some bills I haven't been paying (medical stuff from something I mis-charged on my FSA card). Anything leftover will go straight to Savings. I do not plan on putting any extra money into my loans until I see how much I've saved up this summer.

Boyfriend and I may get a cat soon. He implicated it might be a birthday present for me. I would love to get a kitten with him, but after seeing my cat over at my parents' house the other day and how awfully fat she is, I really would like to finally take her and feed her a clean diet to see if she shapes up at all. I might post in the pet thread over in Success Stories to see if someone can recommend a serving amount & best options keeping cost in mind for grain-free food. She's at least 13 lb (pretty sure she's fatter than last year, but her check-up soon will confirm), healthy calico. I have to wait and see if my mom can help cover the vet visit (roughly $110 for visit, annual rabies, and annual feline leukemia), or if Boyfriend would cover that & some initial expenses (food, litter box, litter, flea treatment as per landlady's requirements) instead of a new kitty.

I guess I feel a bit guilty abandoning her to my family, who is not prepared to take care of her and try to manage her weight. I don't think I could give her away either. I also feel guilty because I think Boyfriend would prefer to get our own cat.

[namelesswonder]

Called a few therapist offices, heard back from a couple. I liked what one woman had to say and she encouraged me to "interview" people when I called, not just pick them for location (I mentioned her office is right up the street from my apartment). Won't be seeing her till 11:30 on the 27th, but I liked what she had to say about working with my emotional tendencies and finding what might work best to manage the situation. The second guy that called back immediately suggested couples therapy and was more interested in my abandoning therapy multiple times. I didn't get a good vibe so I awkwardly backed out the conversation and said I'd call back (lie).

I ate my two potato skins, banana, and Lara Bar for lunch. Everything is sitting fine, though I'm still very burpy and I felt nauseous for a little while after. I don't really have a good gauge on my appetite right now, really can't tell if I'm hungry or not. I have a feeling it's going to be a few days like this and I might not really feel better until I get my stress under control. I'd rather wait for a good therapist than go sooner to someone I only want to see once.

[drssgchic]

Wait for the good one. They are rare and precious. The mediocre to bad ones are worthless to damaging. I'm glad you've got a good possibility so close! It sounds like things are moving along!

[namelesswonder]

Yes, I will wait. It would be nice if I could see her sooner, but this Friday is out because of the company prez visiting. I mean, I could go, but I just don't want to risk getting not-boss cranky. And I don't want to end up working later than I have to this week. I have to stay till 6:30 PM today because of my dentist appointment [[pout]]

Bad breath: I've had bad breath my whole life, or people telling me my breath stinks for a long time anyway. Boyfriend claims that my breath wasn't really bad until I started "my diet" last summer. Then again, that's when my post nasal drip got really bad. I think everyone's pollen allergies have been absurd since last year. The dentist said everything looked good, recommended brushing my tongue more. I will continue with Zyrtec & the Flonase spray and hope that helps. I will mind-punch the allergist if he suggests saline sprays, because that shit doesn't do anything for me (though I'd probably have to use the neti pot for at least a week straight to really notice a difference). I wonder if, in the end, an ENT specialist will have the answer, but I don't feel like having any more appointments than I have to right now, so we'll wait and see if this helps, in which case, getting my allergies under control is the answer.

Budget: I don't think I'd be quite as bothered by money right now if it weren't for the stress & depression of worrying about Boyfriend. It's not his fault, I'm just too damned sensitive. Anyway, my spending is much higher than it should be this month, but I'm being irresponsible and not holding off on the tattoo because I want it and I know it will make me happy. Hopefully, I can get to the bank on Friday morning and get my savings bond cashed. I think, to avoid spending it needlessly, I'll use it as cash for the next tattoo session, pay any outstanding medical bills, make sure I come out even for spending at the end of the month (that may mean putting off a bill that's not accruing any extra charges), and put anything extra into savings. Next month, with just extra gas for the trip to Maryland, and the last tattoo session + tip, I should be able to come out even if I'm super careful in all other expenditures.

What's The Point of Getting Out of Debt Anyway?* - And Then She Saved - Started A Spending Fast. Ended My Debt. You Can Too.
My biggest short and long term motivator for paying off my student loans etc. is having money for a good life with Boyfriend, assuming things continue as we're planning at this point. It would be great to have at least one month's worth of rent (not just my contribution) in savings, just in case, and maybe also a security deposit, in case we decide to move/need to move at some point. My biggest long term motivator is probably also for our living situation, as well as being able to afford a down payment & monthly payments on a reasonable pre-owned car. I don't know how likely it is that I'll pay off my student loans in under 9 years (since I've been paying them for at least a year already) at this rate, nor how likely it is that I'll get a pay raise to make my goals more attainable, so I'm just trying not to think about it right now.

Mood/brain: I'm in a rut right now, and that's okay. I'm not sure if it's really okay though because I feel like the supplements should help with this. I increased the dose of 5-HTP last night and now I'm not sure if I should. I'm tired today because I felt lonely and upset last night so I stayed up reading. American Gods is kind of depressing, but I'm enjoying it. I have missed reading. Boyfriend is still incredibly supportive despite his own problems, but I think he's been feeling a bit better lately. Even in jest, it can be helpful to tell people when you're feeling depressed, and he's been doing that a lot with friends online. He also noted that he felt really good getting out in to the sunshine the other day (might encourage him for his annual physical soon, to check Vitamin D levels), and seemed less sensitive to my usual praise & compliments. He just thanked me, which is normal; abnormal would be how he was last week, going "Okay..." and turning away from me if I say he looks handsome.

Food: I'm still having issues recognizing my appetite. I burped a bit after dinner last night, but didn't feel sick after eating. I barely felt like eating this morning. It seems that I am less interested in eating protein right now than usual. I have another potato skin and some ground beef for lunch today, but I don't really want to eat the beef. I haven't had the time (and my budget worries are preventing me) to go get potatoes and more fruit, so my usual diet of tons of protein with some veggies is not really working for me right now. I guess my breakfasts will be 2 eggs for now, since I could barely get down 3 this morning. I feel very tired after eating anything. I had a banana and a Lara Bar a little while ago and I'm exhausted (also very mild heart burn). That is definitely not helping my mood. It's hard to tell how much they're linked, but I know I need to get this stomach thing under control so I can rule it out.

I forgot to mention last week that my blood pressure was amazingly awesome at the allergist, something like 102/64. I've never had blood pressure that low before! I'm usually nervous at the doctor (he talked at me for so long, I think it helped put me at ease) but I remember hearing 120/80 kind of numbers in the past. Kind of cool.