Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 92

[namelesswonder]

Okay so I like the doctor, but the office is super busy so he basically gave me a (very accessible) run down of allergies, why I have reactions to things I'm not allergic to (grains, soy, because they are pollen plants), what to try, that it will take experimentation. I am okay with experimentation! For the next 6 weeks, I'm going to take my nasal spray & Zyrtec, just to see if it helps. If that helps, I may switch from Zyrtec to one of the natural supplements I've been looking into, something like this maybe (something with Quercetin). I don't think it will cure my allergies, but I'd rather take something natural than yer average OTC option. And I HATE the idea of spraying steroids in my nose, plus that shit has never worked for me. Maybe I should give the neti pot a full month's trial of daily (in the morning) use. =\

A couple of things that he suggested that seem well worth trying: vitamin C (apparently many of his patients find their allergies vastly improved by supplementing C) and an air purifier. Boyfriend has an air purifier, it just needs rescuing from his parents' attic and a new filter. The doctor said that some people find their allergies vastly reduced just by sleeping with an air purifier on, so their bodies can handle a day's worth of allergies after having a break. He did mention some things about gut health and it sounds like he wasn't getting into it because of the complexity, but it sounded like he is definitely aware of the impact of gut health on the overall body. I was very happy that I was able to follow everything he said and pretty much already knew it all from the reading I've been doing (take that, internet-research nay-sayers).

The confusing part, that I didn't really know how to ask about because he just sped through everything and I didn't have the opportunity to say much, was when he refered to "sinus disease". Quick Googling reveals that this is just sinusitis, which is basically a catch-all term for fucked up nose-ness in the boogery sense. Sinusitis is tricky because there are so many things that can cause it, and apparently even reducing my allergies with regular shots (which requires a long term commitment, once a week for a few months, and then once a month for a few years)

So in summary, I'll be taking Zyrtec & Flonase to see how that helps allergies for the next month. We'll re-test after that to see if my responses are diminished and make a plan for going forward. I just made an appointment with the dentist for 9AM next Wednesday, and I will ask them if anything seems off that may affect my breath. I may see about seeing an ENT specialist to see if there is anything unusual about my sinuses that may be affecting the post nasal drip, but considering how not-clear my nose is, I don't think that would have anything to do with it. But what do I know!

---

Brain/mood: I started taking 5-HTP again last night after a couple days off. It seems like I usually end up slightly depressed when I start back on it. Maybe this means the dose is too high? I'll just do 50mg for the rest of the week and continue taking the Magnesium at night to help with falling asleep. I woke up very tired this morning and rather anxious. I had a couple of waking nightmares, where I get stuck in a train of thought that's really depressing and dark, and I can't get out of it until I think it through to some kind of conclusion. This morning, it was going into the other room to find Boyfriend dead, and then imagining how he might react if he found me dead or severely injured (I almost slipped and smacked my face on the counter this morning).

Boyfriend has been really depressed this year and has been missing a lot of classes. He's depressed because he can't be as mobile as he's used to and he's still in a lot of pain, even his doctor is baffled, but his shoulder is healing up well. He said he might look into seeing a therapist. I wish there was more I could do for him, I know I am letting this bother me more than it should. It's not my fault he's depressed and I believe I'm doing all I can for him. He's getting better about letting me help him, like letting me nag him about leaving for class. I wish I could get him to look into acupuncture or talk to our chiropractor about his shoulder pain, but he's so demotivated right now, I don't even know if he'll seek out a therapist.

Food: I'm allowing white rice and potatoes on my Whole30. I'm mostly just doing this to get back on track with avoiding artificial sweets (including flour-based stuff), junk food (like pizza), and dairy. But according to my allergy test, dairy and eggs aren't an issue (hooray!), so that at least is a huge relief. Milk is super convenient for protein shakes, when I have whey protein powder (don't currently), but it makes my throat so much more mucous-y.

Exercise: I took a 1/2 hr walk around the buildings by my office yesterday and plan to do another today in lieu of a lunch break. Yesterday I was wearing my moccasins and I walked toe-first, it felt good on my calves (like they were getting stretched). If the ground dries up, I'll go barefoot for the walk today. I might walk to the grocery store to get potatoes (and milk, I want to make cake in a mug for Boyfriend for his birthday on Saturday) when I get home from work, and I'll lift the KB a few times & do some ab work this evening. Nothing intensive, just doing something mindfully is enough for now.

[namelesswonder]

Some things I forgot I wanted to jot down...

-I get EXTREMELY ANNOYED at the overuse of ellipsis. I went through a period in my teens when I used ellipsis excessively. As a teen, it kind of makes sense: everything is dramatic. My not-boss uses ellipsis like nothing else I have ever seen. It's hard...to get through....an email...when...he...enters everything...the...same way he speaks. Not kidding, he speaks like that, except with a lot more "uh"s instead of actual pauses. It kind of makes me want to drag my nails through my desktop, it makes me incredibly tense. But, from the outside, it is kind of funny too.
-[edit - I remembered!] I am on my last dose of all anti-candida supplements (except for the probiotic, I'll keep taking that until I run out and then probably use a different one regularly). I've had some vague itchiness lately that makes me worry, but we'll see how it goes. I'm just hoping I can keep up with the regular increased carb intake and not have any dastardly affects. I want to supp l-glutamine, but I'm hesitant to spend more on supps this month with so many other financial factors going on right now.

Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Forecast: optimistic.

DAMN THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE AND NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER GRRR Been like this all day. Almost got in a fight with my not-boss. Bad.

[namelesswonder]

The other thing I forgot: my body image changes a LOT when I'm depressed. I thought I must've gained about 5 lbs the other day, but I'm still hanging around 120 lbs. The bloating I experienced (probably from an absurd amount of rice) is gone today and I'm back to what is becoming a "regular" image, to me.

I am really scared for Boyfriend right now. And myself, if I'm being truly honest. Last night he finally opened up to me about how he's been feeling lately, and I knew he was depressed, but I had no idea it was this bad. Does it count as "suicidal" if you just "want it all to be over" but aren't necessarily thinking of actively making that happen? It was incredibly painful to hear these things from him, having been there so many times myself, and knowing that I can't do anything to help him. We have to wait for it to pass and/or find him the motivation to do what he needs to do. He has probably missed half of all of his classes this semester, is getting an incomplete in one class because he missed so many attendances, almost failed a lab (prof said they could "work something out" but there have been no further details so...don't know if that's all set or not), and still can't sleep well because his shoulder is hurting him all too often. He is fed up with being injured, or sick, or in pain, and basically not able to do what he wants/needs to do, and now he just doesn't want to do it. In addition to just being scared about how badly he's feeling, I'm scared he won't end up looking for work and our lease will be compromised when the semester is over and the Army isn't paying him monthly anymore.

I am depressed today. I simultaneously want to cry and sleep. I wish I could take time off to make sure he gets to his classes (I set a bunch of alarms for him today so hopefully he will get up later to go to one of his labs). He stayed up all last night after venting to me, feeling too depressed to try to sleep with all those thoughts running around his head. I feel guilty and keep reminding myself that none of this is my fault and it's okay that I can't do anything for him except continue to try and be supportive. I practically cried myself to sleep last night after he left because I didn't want to make him feel worse.

I found the phone number for the counselling office at his university and may try to set up an appointment for him ASAP, but I'm not sure he'll go unless I can go with him and make sure he gets there. I technically do have the PTO to take the day off (and still have a couple days just in case, but I only have about 3 days worth right now), but I don't know if this would be an appropriate circumstance to take time off in the eyes of not-boss and actual-boss. Does that make me a bad person, that I won't take time off unless it's an emergency? Is this an emergency? Should I have brought him to the ER for a psych eval last night? I don't think I'm going to get any work done today, so maybe I should go home. Could I just say "there's a situation at home, I'm not comfortable getting into it right now, but I really need to be there" and go? I don't want to compromise my job >< and I don't want to tell anyone that my boyfriend is potentially suicidal.

[drssgchic]

*Hug* I don't have much wisdom for you, but we are here to help you through this.

Would it work to ask him if he needs to go to the hospital? The only time I've heard of that being a positive thing is when it's the idea of the person that needs the eval.

It just occurred to me- what about counceling for you? Yes, he's in a bad place, yes, he needs it, but if he's not taking action himself, what if you start going for your OWN issues. Kind of leading him into it and giving yourself extra support at the same time?

The fact that you can't take time off unless it's an emergency is not because you are a bad person. It's because our system values "making money" over all else- so things like mental health are forced to the side. If you don't keep your job, you two will be in an even worse position than you are right now. This IS taking care of him in a kind of tangental manner.

Make sure you're taking care of yourself in this. It's too easy to get sucked into someone else's spiral when it's so familiar to us.

[namelesswonder]

I absolutely hate finding a new therapist, but yeah, a few visits to get ideas on how to help him at least would be a good idea. Now is not a good time for this to be happening, the president of the company is visiting next week, but when is? Geezus, I hate my insurance's "find a doctor" application. I seriously doubt there are no behavioral health centers that take my insurance in the 20 mile radius around me!

I considered asking him if he wanted to go to the hospital for a psych eval last night. I will remind him that it's an option. He was pretty uncomfortable asking me to take him one time he was in a lot of pain, but he did ask on his own so I think he would do it again if he really felt like he needed it. I asked him to please promise me to try (not to do it, just to try) to tell me if he really feels like me might do something, no matter what, no matter when.

[ASmallOne]

NamelessW- (I almost used an ellipsis there and had to stop myself) - admittedly I have not read your whole thread. But I read this last page and I am sorry for what you are going through. I have also experienced the stress bloat and I am so glad you recognize that the retention of water etc. is just stress, so it will go away when the stress goes away.

It sounds like you've got some very challenging problems on your shoulders. I am afraid I would give terrible advice on dealing with these but I do suggest that you think as "marginally" as possible. Address today's problems today, tomorrow's problems tomorrow, etc. For example, it's important to think about your lease, but it's more important today to make sure your bf is alive until tomorrow. The lease thing is moot if that isn't taken care of.

Best to you. (I want to put an ellipses here too, must resist!)

[namelesswonder]

Haha I still drop in an ellipsis here and there, they are useful after all, but occasionally whining about it makes me more aware of how I use it.

Your location made me laugh, btw. Thanks for dropping by and please don't ever read my whole journal, I'm sure it's confusing hehe

I am super bored and counting down the hours till I can leave. I managed to distract myself by oggling pretty dresses and wondering what style would suit me, but then I got even more bored because I can't just go try them on and see what looks nice! I want a pretty dress. And can I just say that sparkly rings are a bit daunting?

[namelesswonder]

I am going with Boyfriend to a walk-in appointment at his school's counselling center. It was better that I made the call than him because I was able to relate some of the things he's said without feeling too uncomfortable.

Now to put in a few hours of work & keep myself together.

[Anime DVD UK]

Anxiety, depression and laziness are just a few problems that we encounter in our daily lives. i myself experienced anxiety and depression, and it's really hard to get over it. by the help of prayers and my friends i was able to survive it. otakucastle.com was able to help me out also because after watching DVD's i have fun and enjoyed life to the fullest

[ASmallOne]

And can I just say that sparkly rings are a bit daunting?

i specifically asked the husband for a ring that was "durable" and he proposed to me while in a blizzard on a 13000 foot mountain with a solid band of aircraft grade titanium engraved with a mathematical function.

oh, the fun i have raging on LI. Such as why are all the bridges down at one end? and why am i on the other end?!?