Posted in my Yahoo group for teens who self-injure (yeah I realize I'm a little old to be posting at 23, but I made the group and don't feel like I can pass it on to anyone as it's pretty inactive):
It makes me sad to remember that I'm not alone in my struggles, sometimes. If I was the only person in the world that had to deal with the urge to cut, I'd feel better knowing that no one else has to know what that's like. But I was on tumblr and found myself looking for posts on self injury (there's a recent ban on sites promoting eating disorders and self harm, which I think is good) and I felt so sad knowing how many people are out there that have had thoughts just like mine. I wish I could shelter everyone from that kind of pain.
How long has it been now? 6 years since I "quit" and 4 since I last slipped up. Sometimes I feel like that's a long time, sometimes it feels like nothing. My boyfriend said he'd leave me if I ever cut again (he hasn't been with me when I've been cutting, we've been together over 2 years now), sometimes I wonder if he remembers saying that.
It's so frustrating to feel like hurting myself and realizing that I have NO REASON to. I'm not really depressed, just kind of bored at work. So what's the problem?
Trying to read into these thoughts, I wonder "Why don't I feel like I deserve to be sheltered?" I feel responsible for a lot of things, not necessarily in a guilty kind of way, just that I should (be able to) handle certain things. Funny that I often get this huge sense of responsibility when I'm not doing anything and don't have anything TO do. I haven't thought about cutting for a while, really. Well I have, just thought of it as a topic, and of my past, but not of actively doing it. Not till today. I remember going to the bathroom in high school with scissors I kept in my backpack. Fortunately, there's no way for me to do that here at work, no scissors or sharp objects small enough to be discreet on my way out. And why? Am I seriously just bored? Now I'm angry about this. I don't want to talk to Boyfriend about it because he may respond with exasperation.
I did not sleep well last night, with the space heater fan turning on periodically and I am unaccustomed to that noise. I absolutely must get in bed by 10:30 tonight and will take two doses of 5-HTP to ensure sleep! Maybe I'm just overtired. I did end up falling asleep for a good 3 hrs yesterday in the evening.