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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 89

  1. #881
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    My hair feels even better and cleaner today, and of course, tomorrow would be the one week point from last wash. The trouble with doing an egg wash now is we've turned off the heat in the apartment and it's rather cold this week so I'm more inclined to take a hot shower. I'm not sure if the temperature I used this morning (which was unfortunately as warm as it would go and it wasn't very warm) is hot enough to scramble the eggs, which I don't want to happen. I've read of people going 10 days between washes. I could wait till Saturday to be all squeaky clean for my tattoo, I guess. I don't know, we'll see. Being lazy helps I think the musty smell has calmed down, finally, but I'm hesitant to ask Boyfriend to sniff my head.

    There's a challenge over on the Fitness forum about moving more when you work a desk job. I love the idea, but I just get bored walking around the building (too cold for me to feel like going outside). "It hardly seems worth it" so I don't do it. I should be going up and down the stairs once an hour, at least, but then I'm afraid of using that as a time-tracker, which will make the day pass so much more slowly. The mornings are so much easier to get through.

    I took 3 (usually take 2) of my C. Away capsules this morning. Already I am feeling less itching (itchy all over in the underpants this morning!). I will keep a higher dose for the rest of the week and I think this will work rather than resorting to that dose of anti-fungal I have in the cabinet from my yeast infection in December (from the antibiotics I took in case I had a sinus infection, now I know better!). I'm going to be hard pressed to take antibiotics ever again considering my sensitivity to yeast and how easily I "get infected". I did finish the ice cream last night, and had some chocolate after. I wasn't even really hungry and didn't want to finish the chocolate, but didn't feel like I could leave it either (it was only part of 1 square). I felt surprisingly full having 3 eggs over easy with my supplements this morning, that's unusual for me. Maybe as a result of last night's protein heavy dinner plus the ice cream? It wasn't much, I'd mostly finished it the night before. Meh, who knows, don't feel like speculating. Getting through today without lunch is going to be tough.
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  2. #882
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    Posted in my Yahoo group for teens who self-injure (yeah I realize I'm a little old to be posting at 23, but I made the group and don't feel like I can pass it on to anyone as it's pretty inactive):

    It makes me sad to remember that I'm not alone in my struggles, sometimes. If I was the only person in the world that had to deal with the urge to cut, I'd feel better knowing that no one else has to know what that's like. But I was on tumblr and found myself looking for posts on self injury (there's a recent ban on sites promoting eating disorders and self harm, which I think is good) and I felt so sad knowing how many people are out there that have had thoughts just like mine. I wish I could shelter everyone from that kind of pain.

    How long has it been now? 6 years since I "quit" and 4 since I last slipped up. Sometimes I feel like that's a long time, sometimes it feels like nothing. My boyfriend said he'd leave me if I ever cut again (he hasn't been with me when I've been cutting, we've been together over 2 years now), sometimes I wonder if he remembers saying that.

    It's so frustrating to feel like hurting myself and realizing that I have NO REASON to. I'm not really depressed, just kind of bored at work. So what's the problem?


    Trying to read into these thoughts, I wonder "Why don't I feel like I deserve to be sheltered?" I feel responsible for a lot of things, not necessarily in a guilty kind of way, just that I should (be able to) handle certain things. Funny that I often get this huge sense of responsibility when I'm not doing anything and don't have anything TO do. I haven't thought about cutting for a while, really. Well I have, just thought of it as a topic, and of my past, but not of actively doing it. Not till today. I remember going to the bathroom in high school with scissors I kept in my backpack. Fortunately, there's no way for me to do that here at work, no scissors or sharp objects small enough to be discreet on my way out. And why? Am I seriously just bored? Now I'm angry about this. I don't want to talk to Boyfriend about it because he may respond with exasperation.

    I did not sleep well last night, with the space heater fan turning on periodically and I am unaccustomed to that noise. I absolutely must get in bed by 10:30 tonight and will take two doses of 5-HTP to ensure sleep! Maybe I'm just overtired. I did end up falling asleep for a good 3 hrs yesterday in the evening.
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  3. #883
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    I feel better today, I can tell already (even though I'm writing this at only 9:41 AM). The 5-HTP helped me sleep, but I woke up probably around 6:30. 6-7 hours of sleep, interrupted by Boyfriend coming in around 2:30. Not ideal, but better than the past few nights.

    My nails have been peeling all week, I need to cut them short tonight and use a file to try to get a clean start. My hands are still absurdly dry and I think that's partially due to the space heaters drying out the apartment. Would Spring please stick around already?

    My breath smells like rotten meat if I don't gargle with Listerine. I was in a hurry this morning so I poured a little baking soda in water and gargled quickly with that. There's salt in the kitchen here at work, I might use that with warm water later because I'm sure this won't last long as a solution. It's not going to get better until I can get my post nasal drip under control, which means constant sudafed and/or allergy treatment.

    I washed my hair with egg & castille soap this morning! I used maybe 1 tbsp mixed into a "scrambled" (mixed with a fork as though I was going to cook it for scrambled eggs) egg, I might forego it or use less next time. My hair dried super quickly and feels soft and clean. It was feeling a bit too dry after the wash so I left the water & white vinegar solution on my head for a few seconds before rinsing it out before I got out. If my hair smells like anything, I hope it's peppermint (from the castille). We'll see how my head responds to this, but it's vaguely itchy so either too much soap or didn't leave it in long enough. The egg was fun to mix into my hair, it felt very thick and lathery. And fortunately for me, the water wouldn't get very warm, so I didn't cook the egg

    I'm on the hunt for a good 20-30 minute ab routine to do once a week. I did one of those "ab shredder!!!" things once last summer and I think that might be a good choice, just have to find it again. I figure that'll make it easier for me to build some core strength through KB swings and idly work on the vanity aspect of visible abs.

    We start my tattoo's outline this Saturday, I'm very nervous and excited. I hope it heals quickly. I know I want to share it online (Facebook, here, any friggin' where), but I'm trying to decide if I should wait until it's totally done before I post anything (I would still take pictures of the outline and in progress).
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  4. #884
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    I’m Calling for a New Paradigm | Go Kaleo

    This made me think of the "fitspiration" images I've seen around tumblr and on a friend's pinterest site. A friend who used to identify as anorexic. I saw the images she was pinning and was beginning to feel like they were very much like all the pro-ana images I've seen, but wasn't sure how to say it. I hope she reads that article (I shared it on facebook and she's very active there) and considers how she's using those inspirational images, even if I'm totally wrong about what I'm seeing.

    It also made me step back and think about how I view my body and my fitness goals. I know I'm not always consistent with what I want and what I'm working towards, but I think that's okay. I know I might not ever get visible abs, and if that means I'm healthier, that's okay too. I really do just want to be fit, to feel good, to be healthy, and the better I feel, the less the aesthetics matter to me.
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  5. #885
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    Final post for the day: I emailed my mom with some information about how paleo has helped me with my yeast infections. I encouraged her to give it a few weeks try, see if it helps with her chronic infections, see how she feels (I did toss in that she'd probably lose weight as well). She said she's too swamped with doing the vegan thing for my dad right now, but will look into it after Easter. I responded that I really wish I could convince them that veganism is not the answer for optimal health or avoiding heart disease. I explained that I know my opinions will be met with bias because of how they conflict with what most doctors recommend, but that she can probably understand why I mistrust many doctors (history of being told how to fix things and having them not work, not getting answers, being lied to about medication etc.). I linked her to MDA's 101 section and mentioned that the articles are fairly short so she can use them for idle reading whenever she wants.

    I will buy her the damn 21-Day Transformation book if she will do it! I really hope she will. I did say also that true gut health can take a while to obtain (I just said up to 6 months, but it really depends on how strict you are, I think it could definitely take longer) because I don't want to mislead her, but I believe this may be the answer for her.
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  6. #886
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    I am feeling more depressed today. I think this may be related to the current state of my gut, what with the lots of yeast crap going on. I caved last night, frustrated and sleepy and constantly feeling like I needed to pee, and took the Diflucan I had in the cupboard. I don't know if that'll help the mild UTI that appears to have developed (no burning, just the "urge", but that's usually how it goes for me), but hopefully it'll quell the yeast so I can start over with this. I just hope my intestines are in better shape so when I finally do get my yeast down to an appropriate level, I can keep it that way! Everything seems to indicate that that is the case, so here's hoping.

    I just don't want these past 2 months to go down the drain for all my efforts. I'm going to do a Whole30 next month so I can keep away from ice cream and things like that. I might drink on Pascha (Orthodox Easter), but I won't be having the Easter cheese my mom makes (lots of powdered sugar goes into the creation). That's going to be rough! I will also probably give myself a break for Boyfriend's birthday, which is that same weekend, since his parents will probably take us out to our favorite Japanese steak house. Geez, this is going to be harder than I thought; PAX East is the first weekend in April and IIRC, the food options were terrible and there aren't a lot of places to eat in the area. Huge breakfasts FTW? I don't want to ruin our convention weekend by wilting due to lack of fud.

    I'm listening to Dear & The Headlights again today. I'm seriously bummed that they broke up, but I'm glad I got to see them play live (it was amazing) once. I wish my boyfriend had though! We have this fun sappy thing where we sometimes text the lyrics of their songs back and forth to each other, especially the more romantic ones.

    Dear And The Headlights - I Just Do (Lyrics) - YouTube
    The song in question that ended up on my Facebook page as well.

    I guess I'm a huge sap when I'm depressed. Okay, I've known that for a long time. Embracing that makes the depression a little easier sometimes. Sometimes. Or a little easier. Better than not at all, I suppose?

    I want to sleep today away. If I was still working at Sony (the other store in my area is apparently closing so glad I got out when I did after all!), I probably would've taken a mental health day today. I miss being able to do that, but not being able to is a decent reminder to keep my wits about me and keep trying and getting better.

    I got to bed on time but the discomfort (itchiness, urge) kept me awake, as did Boyfriend, who also could not sleep. Tonight should be better since he's raiding.

    And GODS would my face just fix itself already? Most of the acne is cleared up, but I've got this honkin' zit on the edge of my lip and pretty painful to try to pop (I know I shouldn't). I am dousing it in tea tree oil when I'm at home and putting coconut oil over it at night so here's hoping it's at least somewhat reduced tomorrow. It's probably actually a cold sore and I'm scarring myself hah but it doesn't feel like one.
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 03-29-2012 at 09:43 AM.
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  7. #887
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    It's time for a longer catch-up. I know, I write so much as it is, but I feel like I need to write more today.

    State of my mind address (get it? like state of the nation? I'm not funny, it's okay)

    I am still depressed today, but maybe marginally better. There are a lot of thoughts floating around today, things I don't think I should try to think about until I'm feeling better, and being able to recognize that definitely indicates that I'm feeling better. Hooray. I appear to learn things. But I do want to voice them so that they've been laid out somewhere, because my concerns are valid, even if they are excessive.

    I thought Boyfriend was going to propose to me in June. He's been talking about me not planning anything for June 22nd (now moved to June 20th?) since last November, I think. After we discussed marriage and made some dreamy plans earlier this year, I was pretty sure he was planning something and was going to propose. And let me be clear, the discussion of marriage even included him worrying about not being able to afford a really nice ring, and meeting with his mom to price things, so it's not like I'm making this up, I think I have some pretty valid reasons for thinking it was going to happen! I started dreaming hard about all this, following some wedding blogs, imagining what kind of ceremony and reception we might like to have, looking forward to telling people, whatever. I've never dreamed about a wedding like this before, not even when I was little. I really got my hopes up, but yesterday he said he isn't proposing for a few years probably. He said the time isn't right. I don't know if it's just my disappointment (but definitely at least partially that), but I just don't feel like that matters. I don't care if it's a simple/cheap ring. I don't care if we still wait to get married a few years from now, I just want the solidity of an engagement, and I'm not one to vote in favor of long engagements because I feel like it cheapens the concept of a fiance. Like, if you're going to be married for the rest of your lives anyway, why say you're doing it and then wait so long? Part of me really doesn't want to believe this and is hoping that he really is going to propose and is just trying to mislead me.

    He got drunk last night while playing Warcraft and apparently wants a guildmate of ours to come visit. The guy in question (player's name is something like Roto, so we'll call him that) is 21, from Canada, and is a chef (he didn't know what paleo is, and Boyfriend's explanation was so off the mark, really pissed me off)! We've been playing with Roto for over a year, at least, now, and he seems like a nice guy. He's apparently well off financially and said he would cook for us while he visited. He even said that we should revisit it when Boyfriend is sober, so I like that he seems responsible. I told Boyfriend I wanted his facebook page so I could investigate. I don't really like the idea of inviting someone to our home to meet them for the first time, especially since that means they could be alone in our house for periods of time while we're working and/or at school/whatever. Boyfriend went to bed when I got up and was exceptionally sweet (he is heart-breakingly honest and loving when drunk, unless he's irritated, then he is a huge PITA), telling me I'm the best girlfriend ever, telling me that he wanted me to snuggle and that I shouldn't because he knows I need to go to work even though he really wants me to stay home and snuggle. It's stuff like that that just makes me want to cry (fucking depression, making me tear up typing this) because I know I want to be with him for the rest of my life and I really don't want to wait to make that official. I will be talking to him about all of this, my depression over the postponement of the impending proposal and the visitor, later today if he seems well enough recovered from his night of drinking.

    Body

    Oh this body o' mine. I'm pretty convinced (read: I don't know what the fuck else it could be, so I don't see why it wouldn't be this) that the yeast overgrowth is the cause of my depression this week, what with the crappy food choices I've made lately, including pizza last night. I have hope because my body DOES recover faster (no more week-long bloat, my body will be a-okay by tomorrow and it really looks fine today), but it's still very frustrating how easy it is to go overboard with sugar and get a yeast flare-up. I have no idea if I should "start over" with my recovery process. I've been taking extra C. Away and I think that's helping because I've had more bowel movements, but maybe it's just that time in the week. I added the Magnesium Malate I have to my supplement mix, taking 3 at dinner and 3 before bed (with my second dose of 5-HTP) for a total of 6 to make up ONE SERVING. Man, why can't they just pack more into the pill?! I've still been sleeping pretty poorly though. Last night I woke up around 3 AM and felt wide awake. I went to the bathroom, drank some water, chatted with Boyfriend (when Roto visiting came up), and managed to fall back asleep for a bit longer. I was definitely awake before my alarm, but Boyfriend was still awake and talking to someone (or himself?) in the other room, so it might not have been my "natural" wake-up.

    Yesterday I started to worry that I'm getting too lean. What if I'm below a healthy body fat % for sustaining my health? What if that's why I haven't felt okay lately? The solution would be to get more sweet potatoes and squash and eat them, I guess. What if that makes it so I can't kill off the yeast overgrowth? I don't know, I guess we'll find out next month during my Whole30.

    Why does this matter? Do I really need to detail out all this stuff? No, not at all. I don't think it helps anyone for me to write all this shit out so I'm not sure why I do it. I function on a day to day basis for the most part, so it's not like looking back on this will do me any good, and planning ahead rarely works out except for parties and vacations. Wow, the pessimism is strong today.

    Weekend plans:
    -Saturday morning, I am going to make bacon & eggs. It will be delicious. I will shower, go to Whole Foods for some Kombucha and an apple or some other carb-y snack, and be prepared for my tattoo appointment at noon! I am hoping the kombucha will be a good non-sugar-y option in case I start feeling hypoglycemic during the appointment. They encourage you to bring a snack or drink like Gatorade, so I feel like kombucha would be a good option (Gatorade has a foul taste anyway).
    -Sunday is laundry day, parting with my rent money, and probably being depressed about my financial situation. Uh... Yeah. No goals really, just got stuff to do.
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 03-30-2012 at 08:23 AM.
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  8. #888
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    Large tattoos hurt so much less than small tattoos because you have time to get used to the feeling and block it out. 2 hrs to do the outline today, probably two more sessions of the same length to fill it in. Next session in 3 weeks!

    Worth the broke-ness. Completely. It's gorgeous. Yes, I'll share pictures.
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  9. #889
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    I'm still kind of settling into the fact that I've put myself in this financial situation and am kind of happy about it. I'm still getting Boyfriend a couple of t-shirts for his birthday, but the RAM for his pc will have to wait a while. After the tattoo (which I should be able to finish before my birthday in June if no other outstanding medical expenses pop up) is completed, I need to set aside enough money to get us a washer & dryer this summer. I've seen them listed for about $150 on craigslist, but getting them into the apartment basement is going to be difficult. I'm not strong, Boyfriend should not be lifting heavy things, and we don't really have any friends around either. Or a truck. Well, I suppose the right deal will turn up for us eventually and we'll luck out.

    I've been enjoying carbs lately. I got a bunch of HUGE sweet potatoes at the grocery store over the weekend and have been having at least one a day. I'm still struggling with my appetite. I feel like I am eating enough considering how inactive I am, but maybe my metabolism is more effective than I think and I still need to eat like I'm active. We'll be doing a mid-week grocery run this week and I want to get avocados, sweet potatoes, and fruit, as well as more butter. We haven't been using much olive oil for cooking lately because butter is delicious.

    After last week's infection-palooza, the yeast symptoms seem gone (but I think tomorrow will truly be 100%) and the UTI also seems gone (that took a little longer and might still be an issue). I doubled-up on C. Away for a couple of days and picked up Candex (at patski's recommendation) at Whole Foods, since I was there and it was there and it just seemed fortuitous. It's only enough for 10 days, I think, so then I'll just go back to the regular candida protocol I've been doing, but I hope it helps make up for the sugar-induced-flare-up I had last week and maybe helps my gut progress a bit more! I'm not sure how long I should continue on all these supplements, the doctor originally said 6 weeks of the sugar-free diet and supplements, which means after this week, I'm technically done, but I'll continue until I run out. I'm still adding fruit and more carbs this month, candida be damned. I'm determined to not be so damn hungry all the time. This morning I had 3 eggs cooked in bacon grease and a large sweet potato with a pat of butter. I'm still hungry. I just feel like that should be enough!

    My mood has improved as the yeast infection has improved. I've been over-joyed since Saturday, when I got my tattoo. It's nice feeling like something about yourself is just RIGHT. I'm sure I felt exactly the same way about my sad little faded "hope" tattoo when I got it about 5 years ago, but I still feel like "this is different". I cannot wait to see what it's like when it gets filled in.

    Owl & Bald Eagle, started 3/31/2012 by Elize at... - Nameless findings
    Click the pictures for larger views. Oh btw I'm using coconut oil on it instead of unscented lotion It works really well for acne, for me, so I'm hoping it will help heal up the tattoo faster! It isn't really sore today, only slightly when my shirt seam brushes over the top part too much (moving my arm a lot), yesterday it just felt like a sun burn. The lines are still slightly raised and it will probably flake at some point later this week. I hope I can protect it well enough/it's healed well enough to be okay possibly bumping into people at PAX East this weekend.

    This week I want to do more little work-outs, as I have been doing, since I took a break after the yeast infection got bad last week. I want to make up an intense ab routine to do once a week.
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  10. #890
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    I need to order more 5-HTP if I'm going to keep on this supplement routine for some time (in terms of brain-stuff, not the gut stuff). I should check the Tyrosine bottle while I'm at it. I don't feel like testing this stuff right now, I'm happy as they are and basically think I'll wait for change.

    I've been intrigued by all this talk of "more carbs" around the forums lately. It's making me re-think my eating habits. I'm curious to see if, when I get through the Candex supplement, the yeast in my system (if there's any left) will tolerate my regular fruit and starch consumption. I'm now having at least one piece of fruit and sweet potato every day. It's helping me reach my caloric goals and feel a bit less hungry, though I'm still not eating enough! I think I lost weight over the past few months because I was in caloric deficit, not because I got an A+ in primal eating. My body is probably totally cool being 5-10lbs heavier, I'm just caught up in this mental image of thinness, as much as I don't think I am. I'm really trying just to focus on satisfying my appetite right now.
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