I'll start making notes of any particularly uncomfortable incidents in case I choose to discuss it with anyone. At present, I can only remember one particular incident that really got to me, other things are just general, like feeling like he treats me as a secretary. Not sure it's entirely appropriate for him to ask me to contact another person in the office to see if an email was received. I mean, sure, I can do it, but couldn't he call this person just as easily? I'm not going to get everything right if he asks me to do it, I wasn't involved with the original email exchange! Or asking me to look at something with his computer and then telling me he doesn't have time to deal with it... So maybe we should do this later, when you have time? Instead of him getting irritated because his computer is slow and he doesn't have time to deal with it.
Good thing I brought lunch today, company lunch was sandwiches. I put together a salad and ate it with the leftover chicken parm w/ rice pasta. Not really filling, but it was fuel. I ran away as soon as my salad was made, cannot stand eating in crowds, especially not today. And I made sure to take a stroll outside.
You could- perfectly innocently because you want to make sure that you understand and you're doing everything right- ask if you should be sending those requests for him. After all, you want to be sure that you understand everything your job entails so you can do it all well, right? This could (maybe, possibly) shed light on the fact that he's mis-using his employees- and not-even employees!- and they need to look into his management practices without you ever having to actually complain.
On the writing thing- I'm finding that I like the "draft" feature on my blog. I have several that are there if I can't think of anything to post- but it lets me take a couple of days to put one together, letting me edit if I need to.
On the period thing- I hate periods on vacation- good timing! Isn't that always fun, though, you need it and it's stressing you which is just pushing it futher off . . . 95% of the time I love being a woman, but sometimes . . .
Otter's Primal Log
"Not baked goods, Professor, baked bads!" ~ The Tick
"I Just Do" by Dear and the Headlights (with lyrics) - YouTube
One of my favorite bands (broke up last year, QQ) and my favorite song of theirs. I think I would like my wedding recessional song to be this, or maybe processional. ShutupIknowIdaydreamaboutmyweddingtoomuch. I like to sing loudly to this song when driving.
Go listen to some Dear & the Headlights. I think you need to be in the right headspace to hear them for the first time, but they are just so good. I love the raw sound that the vocalist gets that's just pure intensity, not style. And they don't edit out his breaths and the way he works the lyrics is just GAWD I COULD JUST GUSH FOREVER ABOUT THEM. Boyfriend is tone deaf, but he absolutely LOVES these guys for how they twist their lyrics and words. Just go read the lyrics if you get confused (he's hard to understand), it's brilliant.
Last night I dreamt that I was 1/2 hr late to my tattoo appointment, my mom was taking me because I was too scared to drive, and when I finally found the phone number for the place, they told me that Elize (the artist) no longer works there. I was devastated and started wondering if she would tattoo me even without a shop. I felt like I'd lost something I hadn't even gotten yet because some part of me, or something I wanted to make part of me, had been denied. It wasn't a good feeling. I think some of my anxiety about the trouble communicating with Elize and other people saying they've had trouble getting in touch with her manifested into this dream.
I woke up feeling depressed. I don't attribute it to the dream. I had a really hard time getting out of bed and opted to just have a protein shake in coconut milk for breakfast (the light stuff from Trader Joe's doesn't bother my stomach so much) since I have lunch and Boyfriend will be around to not make dinner at 9:30pm tonight. We need to get eggs tonight, and maybe some more veggies, but we have enough meat to last till we leave on vacation Anyway, I just had one dose of 50mg of 5-HTP last night and I am going to stick with that through the end of next week. We'll just have to wait and see how that goes. I realized that I am going to have to count out my supplements so I don't have 6 different rattling pill bottles with me on our trip. I can bring my Vitamin D because the container is only 1 oz, but the fish oil will have to stay behind.
Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Separation Anxiety
^Here is an example of feeling inspired. I don't really edit my entries (just a couple of scans to get out awkward grammar, highlighted spelling mistakes, and maybe re-arrange a paragraph or add a sentence here or there), I just let them flow out. And that's why writing is hard for me (see, that's not right grammatically, but it's a complete thought so I write it as such). When I get inspired for a story, I just write, but I rarely know when I want to go with it, and sometimes the inspiration ends before the story does. I don't know how to finish a story that never had an ending, if that makes sense.
I haven't done any exercise the past few days, but whatever bloat I got over the past couple of days has dissipated. I think carbing up helps, oddly enough (considering I've had a lot of carbs over the past few days, but I've had false-hunger as a result). When I don't have to worry about macros, I think I eat pretty well for my body. I'm not really worried about things like energy levels, just allergies/congestion & mood support. I left a message with the allergist office I found, and will try calling again today. They have odd hours and I'm not sure if they do testing or just shots.
Apparently I'm still a bit irritable, but it's the kind of irritability I attribute with feeling depressed and not the anxious kind I had the other day. I'm feeling more like snapping at idiots on the forum than the people around me today. I get the lost feeling that so many people come here with, I know I was like that myself, but I still have no patience for them. I guess I'm more frustrated with the fact that these people are getting to this point of feeling lost because of how uneducated we are about how to appropriately seek out assistance (when to go to the doctor, what advice is appropriate to seek online help for etc.), not the people themselves.
And I think I just started a fight with my sister because she's been acting so weird with her new boy-thing. I say I don't care, but I do, I'm just fed up with censoring myself because she's being an idiot and gets butt-hurt over the truth. Always has.
Maybe I'm not okay today as I thought! Looking forward to taking a walk later!
Hey nameless -
Thought I'd drop by since you've been so helpful with my journal
You are BEAUTIFUL. And I don't throw that around willy nilly. I'm not that nice.
I am a very private person and generally don't like to talk about my anxiety and social anxiety, but I've been finding it easier to open up on this type of forum (hint: just look at my journal!). Ever since I was younger, I've always been incredibly shy. It evolved into a pretty severe social phobia at points. And I used to get anxiety attacks a lot. Just your general sweating profusely, heart pumping and panting for hours on end-can't-go-to-sleep kinda thing. My family is very prone to depression, but I've never been clinically depressed. It's the anxiety that's always gotten me.
You are strong and of good heart, and just know no depression or anxiety will ever take that from you. One thing I tell people who deal with any depression and anxiety, is that you can't just passively wait for it to go away. And you have the strength to stand up to it. For example, I remember when I was deeply entrenched in my social anxiety and found it hard to leave the house. I first started by driving around at night by myself, driving through the busier parts of my town. I was around people but safe in my car. I started walking my dog in the morning with few people out, and adjusted to the open space. I migrated to sitting in coffee shops, reading and studying.
I was always prone to social anxiety, but it didn't hit me until about junior year of high school, and it developed into a pretty bad phobia senior year. It's been a lot of hard work fighting it since then, but I know it's worth it. For a sense of normality and serenity.
Hope my story helped a bit. I'm not a huge fan of writing long paragraphs about MYSELF on ANOTHER person's log, but sometimes it's helpful to hear what others are going through.
Good luck nameless.
Last edited by kcarol; 03-08-2012 at 10:51 AM.
Thanks kcarol! Don't worry, I'll take your narcissism in stride (kidding). I guess I'm lucky with my "generalized anxiety disorder". It hasn't stopped me from doing much so far. Driving myself to work got me pretty much over my fear of driving. I have yet to find something that will help me manage myself in environments with a lot of people, my brain just shuts down. I can make idle chatter, but I can't really "step out of the box". It's only one step down from stage fright for me. Even if the store is empty, I get sensory overload from having so many OPTIONS around me, and feel judged by store employees. It drives me nuts, but I know I can manage this and find the answers. Today is just one of those days where I'm all talk. "YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK." "I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU." "GROW THE FUCK UP ALREADY." I really just want to take a swing at anybody who even remotely pisses me off, but I know that a) I can't (they're on the internet) and b) I'll be over this soon enough. At some point, I tell myself, knowing that makes it easier. I've learned enough to know that I need to stay off the main forum for the rest of the day, I was snippy with someone and feel a bit guilty about it, I just can't deal with anything making me impatient today.
I think some people who experience depression and anxiety have the unfortunate experience of growing up too fast. I thought you were older than you are based on your writing so I was kind of surprised to discover that we're so close in age! Those age-perceptions are always changing though. 2 years ago I might've felt like you were a lot younger than me, considering you probably graduated high school when I graduated college, but we've probably been through more than the average young woman and have gained subsequent maturity and wisdom (well, a bit at least) as a result. Can I retire already and be a crazy tattoo'ed cat lady?
Yes of course you can retire to be an old cat lady!
I always get told I act/sound older than I am. I REALLY don't try! Especially since half the time I act irrefutably retarded. I think it's the general distaste of teenagers that pushed me along a bit, lol.
I KNOW what you mean about picking fights! There are some days that I have unleashed on everyone before (note the day I yelled at my first boyfriend AND angrily confronted my first boss on the same day...not a proud day).
If it makes you feel better...choosing not to fight is a sign of maturity, but knowing when to pick your battles is good too. I personally don't like people that stew in their own hatred because they're too wimpy not to speak their mind. If you feel like today's the day to pick a fight, well...I won't stop you. And don't forget to dish the details later.