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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 76

  1. #751
    drssgchic's Avatar
    drssgchic is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    This is just a random thought- but maybe the fact that you are fighting against the box you find yourself in is a good thing. I mean- acting out or speaking out means that you're thinking OUT not IN. Dunno about you- but that's a good thing when I do it.

    Rant away. I think we need to sometimes. Just to get it said.

  2. #752
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    namelesswonder is online now Senior Member
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    It's definitely okay for me to rant here, I just feel like it's not okay sometimes. I guess it's just one of those stupid things ingrained in me by society that women are not allowed to be emotional. I mean, I don't even like me to be emotional to an extent. I don't want to be hysterical. Oh gods, I feel like I'm back in one of my feminist courses. Those were fun and simultaneously stupid.

    I sent an MDA link to a co-worker today because I was chatting with him on FB chat this morning and mentioned making an omelette in bacon grease. He was all "ew I'm trying to eat healthy so that grosses me out." I sent him a message with a link & admitted that bacon is not the most nutrient dense food, but it's not as harmful as they say. I hope he checks it out, though he was very skeptical when I said "Fat's not bad for you, trust me." My only proof is that I haven't died yet, and I should find out soon if my cholesterol is amazing or not. I think the success stories speak for themselves, but every "diet" has a success story, I just think primal/paleo success stories are more complete (not just about the weight, it's about quality of life).

    Brain shizz: I am still ANXIOUS and FRUSTRATED as all fucking get out. What the fuck does that even mean? Yeah I'm swearing a lot more and that's usually a sign of frustration for me. I've increased my dose of Theanine to 300mg, 3x daily. If things are still screwy by the end of the week, I'm back on the full 500mg of Tyrosine instead of 250mg to see if that helps. I'll probably give up and change it sooner since I usually feel a difference pretty quickly when I change something and it actually works.

    Sleep: Feeling slightly caught up. If I can stay off the computer tonight, I should have an easy time getting to bed early. I did not sleep much last night though, because I went to bed just after 11PM, woke up around 1AM to tell Boyfriend to join me, and was awake before 7AM when my brother texted me. Feeling okay despite the lack.

    Food: Steak with peppers & onions last night HIT THE FUCKING SPOT. I let my steaks come to room temperature and took them off the heat when they still looked kind of raw in the middle, but they finished cooking and were just pink throughout. Fucking delicious. And I was really craving peppers and onions, for some reason. I cooked the veggies in, you guessed it, bacon grease. Om fucking nom. I haven't decided if I'm having lunch today, but I have a teeny bit of leftovers from the weekend to polish off if I need it in an hour or two (not hungry now, had breakfast). Oh yes, and I had sugar last night. 2 squares of 90% dark chocolate and the rest of my cottage cheese with honey. It didn't get rid of my headache, but it's finally gone this morning and everything is put away so I will hopefully not raid the cupboard before the end of the month. At this rate, I am not doing well enough to allow myself a treat on Valentines Day.

    Symptoms: Congestion may be slightly less? I don't know. I should probably stop thinking about this for another week or so and see if it still seems bad. Oh right, my appointment is on Monday. Okay I guess I'll revisit this at the end of the week anyway.

    Exercise: I didn't do my squats & KB swings last night but I did them this morning! I realized that the things I do could be multiplied throughout a short session to make an actual work out session out of it, instead of just a few minutes, but right now I'm just trying to make it a regular habit.

    The silver lining: I need a silver lining today, I'm not sad, but I'm just not happy. Today's silver lining is brought to you by the inexpensive hostel I found for our trip to DC next month, and the fact that I only had to pay a 10% deposit right now, so Boyfriend can probably pay the actual bill next month. Hoo-fucking-ray. I'm going a little crazy. Oh yes, and if my budgeting goes well for this month I am going to buy myself some moccasins. They should be good for all seasons and aren't too expensive. My only other non-essential expense for the month is going to be taking my brother to the movies this weekend.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  3. #753
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    Hooray on the silver lining! And good luck on the moccisins. I think I failed to mention that those boots you posted earlier are AWESOME!

    Well, if you took feminist courses, then you probably know what the solution was for hysteria. So next time you feel hysterical, just ask your boyfriend to play doctor . . .

    I'm with you on the emotional suppression. I'm sure at least some of it is the New England Stoicism. But I think part of it is also that we're only supposed to show positive emotions. Unless we're emo or on a reality TV show. Then we're allowed to be depressed or a bitch. I'm like you, though- no poker face at all. So if I show ANY emotions, I tend to show ALL of them. Including the ones we're not "supposed" to have. Just a thought.

  4. #754
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    namelesswonder is online now Senior Member
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    Haha yes I know the cure for hysteria Sex is still somewhat of an issue for me. Boyfriend always wants it, I rarely do on my own, but I'm much more responsive now than I was before. I think there are still some things to work out physically in terms of nutrition and supplements, and then the rest is just me being a crazy bean.

    How to Change Your Life: An Epic, 5,000-Word Guide to Getting What You Want
    I'm still sloughing my way through this, it's very long, but holy moly, it really strikes some chords with me. I'm the type who goes moment to moment "Okay I'll finish this, and then I can move on" or else I go from thing to thing and never finish. Meet my day at work. I like some of the ideas in this article and might try to implement them. Getting up an hour earlier to exercise would certainly be difficult (and help enforce an earlier bedtime), but I'd probably do 1/2 hr because 7AM just seems more reasonable. I like the idea of "staying in over your head" all the time, because it teaches you how to cope on the fly, something essential in our society in these modern times, but I worry so much about being capable. Could I handle a poorly planned vacation? Will Boyfriend and I have a good time if we put off making any reservations or buying any tickets before our trip to DC? I'm so used to planning everything, even when it doesn't work out, and I am so terrified of being without a plan and preparation. That is something I'd like to change.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  5. #755
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    Rant away, girl! And I bookmarked that article too... a good read! xo L

  6. #756
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    namelesswonder is online now Senior Member
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    Food: The good - yesterday was my first 100% successful sugar-free day. Carrots are starchy, I suppose, but I don't think two carrots are going to be the issue when it comes down to it. The bad - I am realizing for the umpteenth time that I really need to have lunch or find more food to have at dinner. Eating twice a day works fine for me, IF I get enough food, and that's just not happening right now. I'm feeling like I don't know what to eat, again. Breakfast yesterday was a 3-egg omelette with some steak cut up in it. I had a bit of rice with mixed veggies mid-afternoon, was mildly ravenous by 6PM and had broc, chicken & bacon for dinner. I was hungry about 1hr later and ate the rest of my mozzarella. I was still hungry so I had 2 carrots and was finally feeling full. I drank water all throughout the day, so it's not like I wasn't hydrated. I'm tired of feeling hungry in the evening, but I really don't know HOW MUCH to eat. I realize no one can answer this for me, and I'll have to figure it out on my own =\ Sugar cravings are definitely part of the evening hunger though.

    Sleep: Inspired by the article I posted yesterday, I set my alarm for 7AM this morning, but turned it off and got up at the usual 7:30AM instead. I didn't get to bed early enough (11:30PM) so I guess my attempts to get up earlier really will have to wait until I can manage to get to bed earlier. I knew that, I was just in denial hah. Boyfriend is going through withdrawal from his pain killers so he's not sleeping well and is still missing class due to headaches & nausea. I'm finding that my energy levels are more appropriate throughout the day, but only when I move around periodically. I would not mind finding a more active job if the pay was comparable or better, but I can't think of anything appealing.

    Exercise: I wanted to work out this morning but I just pressed the KB a few times while I made breakfast. I felt too groggy to do anything but poke around the computer until 8AM. Ultimately I want to be able to work out in the morning, getting up at 7AM so I have time to workout, shower, breakfast, and get to work on time.

    Brain shizz: I feel a bit less frustrated and anxious today so I'll just keep doing what I've been doing. I have more things to do than I have lately, though, so that might be a factor, we'll see how the day progresses. I still had strong sugar cravings last night and I might try L-Glutamine if they continue.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  7. #757
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    namelesswonder is online now Senior Member
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    Okay I needed a bigger breakfast because I'm drooping. I've got nothing. I know that an apple or banana would perk me up enough to make the rest of the day bearable, but as it stands, I'm planning to leave work early so I can get home and start cooking ASAP. I'm going to have to make myself a lunch tomorrow which means another big grocery bill for next week because this will use up our meat supply. I'm taking my afternoon Theanine, a GABA Calm, & trying not to count down the seconds until 4:30pm.

    I don't think I can do low-carb anymore. I'm sick of it. I don't want ketosis breath, I need a bloody standard so I know what's wrong with me. I'm having some bloody potatoes tonight because my body is rebelling and I need the carbs and I don't know what else to eat. I don't know how I'm going to kick this candida outta my system, but it's not fucking working like this (bc apparently the Whole30 wasn't enough? but we don't even know if there's still yeast in my system). I WANT TO EAT NORMALLY. I'm itchy. I have dry skin. My natural scents are off. I'm exhausted. I'm mad at that stupid nutritionist for telling me I need to go low-carb and no-sugar to kill the yeast BUT STILL EAT SOME FRUIT??? WTF? I can't wait for my appointment on Monday, I just want a damn anti-fungal and go back to my Whole30 routine, which included fruit, sweet potatoes (which I think were actually yams but whatever, delicious), and, y'know, CARBS.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  8. #758
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    Interesting, it seems like the crash two days ago was for upgrades, not a hacker. Odd that they did it in the middle of the day though, if that's what it was. Maybe it was hacked and then upgraded. Who knows.

    Food: I entered my food into FitDay for yesterday. I did not eat enough at all. I am trying hard not to berate myself over it. I was starving, I felt it, and I didn't do anything about it because dairy was the only quick thing I could think to get and I don't want to over-do my dairy consumption. I'm looking forward to grocery shopping this weekend. I want to go to BJ's Wholesale for a good deal on meat and I intend to hunt around a little for good deals on the veg I need to stock up on. We need a better variety of veggies to eat. It seems like we just have the same things over and over in various combinations: asparagus, broc, cauliflower, carrots, peppers (usually with onions). Mix, match, rinse, repeat. I'm down with squash, but I'd need to combine it with something else so Boyfriend does not mind that it is sweet. I need to find a way to cook zucchini and squash like that because I'm not a fan of the texture, but they taste okay.

    I'm on the hunt for a low-additive protein powder. Chocolate or unflavored, preferably. Jay Robb and Optimum Nutrition seem to be recommended brands. I think adding protein powder at breakfast might help my budget as well as successfully managing on 2 meals a day (morning and evening), but I'd have to save it for work days only, since there's no excuse for not making time for lunch on the weekend. That'd be ~$40 as part of my "supplements" costs for the month.

    Sleep: I've got dark, sunken eyes today and I suspect it has a lot to do with not eating enough yesterday because I was in bed before 11PM. Boyfriend and I failed to get up at 7AM as planned, but he's still struggling with pain killer withdrawal (and has apparently broken up more scar tissue so is in more pain today), so I'm not too surprised there. Try again tonight, as always.

    Supplements: I'm back up to 500g of Tyrosine as of this morning. If I feel significantly better for the next 5 days or so in terms of anxiety, I know I need to stick with this for a while longer. Then I run out and have to buy more =P Wow vitacost has it for $5.49 for 100 capsules (100 days)! Sweet, looks like my supplement costs will be low this month. I just hope I don't run out of the probiotic powder, as that was expensive (~$50) and I've been taking more than the recommended dose for the most part. Sometimes I forget and just do once a day during the week, but usually I have some with breakfast and dinner. I imagine I'll want to take this for a few months at least once a day, so I'll probably have to order more within the next few weeks.

    Brain Shizz: I was grumpy & melty yesterday, but didn't explode and was able to recognize that it was a good day to order out and fuck the budget because I was too stressed to deal with our burny oven. Of course, I'll have to deal with it tonight, but I'll do what I can to prepare for it >< I feel like the Theanine is helping me keep my head a bit, but I'm still getting very frustrated and it's not clear to me if it's stress that's out of my control or something else. Today turned out to be a really good day for increasing back to 500mg of Tyrosine because I'm multi-tasking like a madwoman and trying to fix a severely infected computer. Fun! And no, that's not sarcasm, I love doing this, even though I'm fucking up left and right apparently!

    Exercise: 3 x 20 wall push-ups & 3 x 20 squats while waiting for breakfast to cook.
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 02-09-2012 at 11:05 AM.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  9. #759
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    Man and now I feel overwhelmed to the point of tears just thinking about how hard this first WEEK of sugar-free has been.

    Queue rant: I want to eat leftover food for lunch so I don't have to worry about "energy levels" and "hunger", but if histamine tolerance is an issue for me, that's out of the question. I don't want to see that nutritionist again, I just want my doctor to tell me I can take an anti-fungal and follow my regular diet and I'll be okay. I don't want to end up having chronic candida infections because I ruined my system before going Primal. I want to feel like I can afford, both with time and money, to make lunch! I want to learn how to MAKE FUCKING SALADS (seriously? Why is this such an issue? It comes up again and again and I keep wussing out and feeling like it's not worth making, but mostly they're so NOT FILLING that I don't want to bother).

    Right now, I am tired, and feeling very forlorn. I would rather be at home dealing with my smokey oven because then at least I could anticipate having some delicious oven fries. Fuck the starch.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  10. #760
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    You sound huuuunnggrrry!
    How about a spoon of coconut oil in the afternoon?
    Try looking into bulk supplement and protein places. I like Pure Bulk and TrueProtein. I can mix up something that has a very similar profile to the PB whey isolate for like $12/lb. Plus, if you customize you can leave out unnecessary stuff like color, flavor, sweetener (or add it in!). I save those big protein powder tubs and have them send me powder in bags, which is cheaper. Man, I used to do a lot of protein shakes, and I'll probably have them once in awhile because I noticed I'm not getting very much protein.
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