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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 75

  1. #741
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    me2
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    Though I know it doesn't always feel that way it does sound like you are on your way up. If I was graphing your progress my guess would be that it would go up then dip, up then dip, but overall it would still be heading in a positive direction. At least you are motivated and working hard towards your goals.
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  2. #742
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    [QUOTE=namelesswonder;706119]< My lady bits are unhappy and my flow is absurdly heavy. That usually interferes with me sleeping properly because I worry about leakage. This period is the first time I've realized how HEAVY my flow is and now I'm concerned.QUOTE]

    Couple of things about this. When my periods went uber-heavy I started wearing the Always ThinMaxipads to bed along with the Superplus tampons. I still had to get up four or five times a night but at least I had a backup against leakage. When I FINALLY went to the doctor (I hemmoraghed) it turned out I had fibroid tumors that were causing the heavy bleeding. Get your girl parts checked to eliminate tumors as a possible cause of the heavy bleeding.

  3. #743
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    ^Hi Kat, thanks for stopping by! Let me know if you start a journal and I'll be sure to check it out

    ---

    Budget/cleaning thoughts: I did go through my closet last weekend as intended, but I found very little to get rid of. 2 shirts and 2 pairs of shoes were brought in for the silent auction at work. So far, no bids, so they'll probably end up getting donated somewhere. I'm having a hard time being objective about some of the clothes I own. I may not wear some of them often, but I keep it because it's the only one I own (red cocktail dress), or it's semi-unique (I have two pairs of knee-high boots that I don't wear often, but one pair has no heel and is canvas, the other is leather and has a chunky heel), or I hate wearing the same things over and over so I'm afraid to weed out more. The solution to that seems to be to mix and match and layer, but I'm not really good at that. I'm already wearing the same sweaters over and over to work, so I don't think it would be a huge difference to wear the same shirts at home or when I'm out with friends. This should not be such an issue for me. I can sell that red cocktail dress, but ebay is risky because that particular dress has gone for anything between $20 and $100. It's only been worn once and I want to get a good sale! I should probably get rid of both pairs of knee high boots and just save up for one heel-less leather pair that I really like.

    This site has inspired me to be a bit more thorough in my pruning. Boyfriend and I live fairly minimally. The other day we discussed getting rid of our pull-out couch (free from his sister, the pull-out bed is disgusting and mostly broken) in favor of just using the two recliners we have in the living room, or finding a love seat on the curb somewhere. People are frequently getting rid of usable furniture in good weather in our neighborhood. My biggest concern is downsizing my wardrobe, since we don't have much else to get rid of, because fewer clothes means needing to launder more frequently. Perhaps I will look into hand-washing some items (socks) so I can go longer before a wash. Lots of underwear and socks are the things I truly need to go two weeks between laundering. I'll need to rescue my wobbly clothes drying rack from my parents house if I intend on doing this.

    I am not ruling out the possibility of downsizing to a cheaper 1br apartment if we can find one in our area this fall. That would mean selling one of the beds (probably mine, sadly, since it's in better shape) and dressers (also mine, but it's old so we probably wouldn't get much for it) and probably getting an air mattress for guests. The biggest problem with a 1br apartment is that most don't come with more than one parking spot. There are municipal lots in my town, but I haven't found any information yet on how to get a spot and how much they cost. I'm not sure how much Boyfriend would like that idea either, and I definitely would not be parking my scooter there.

    ----

    Sleep: I fell asleep very early last night (no idea what time, probably as early as 9pm), and was so tired that I slept easily with the light on and Boyfriend on his computer in the same room! He joined me very late and is probably missing class right now =\ Yesterday he didn't feel tired, but fell asleep on the train on his way to class...and woke up at the same station, a full train ride later. Scary. I imagine the sleepiness is part of his body's healing process and that eating more nutritious food (and just eating MORE) would probably help him. I think one more night of reasonable sleep and I will feel much last fatigued during the day, regardless of the lack of lunch.

    Food: We got sushi last night, in celebration of Boyfriend not being re-broken. It was tasty, I was still hungry after, but I distracted myself and went to bed before I could nibble on anything. The brazil nuts are gone and I finished my last banana when I got home from work. Breakfast today was 2 eggs over easy (no more eggs till the weekend) and a pork chop (well, one and a half, I got bored halfway through the second). So tonight will be sausages, peppers, and onions, since I didn't make them last night. And tomorrow: payday and MEATZZA. I bought some freshly grated mozzarella just for the occasion.

    Symptoms: Post nasal drip is still thick and obnoxious, as is the congestion. Today I really need to hydrate and drink some green tea to try and flush this out. It might take a few days for the extra dairy to work through me and stop the inflammation. Boyfriend said I was very cutely snoring last night >< I got my period very suddenly this morning, and the cramps started immediately after. I don't appreciate the sneak attack, but the lack of PMS is nice. I am being very cautious for the first few days because my flow tends to be heavier and I sometimes get yeast infection-like symptoms during those days. Cloth pads seem to help, but I have a very limited supply and none are quite right for my flow. I am a little worried that I might have some other infection going on "down there" right now because my usual scent seems a bit off, but it's not the usual YI smell. My acne seems to be diminishing.

    Exercise: I helped rack a server yesterday and they weigh 60lbs so I did not exercise. Lame excuse, since it took all of 60 seconds to get on the rails, and I wasn't lifting it alone. I meant to lift the KB a bit this morning, but had to sew a button on Boyfriend's coat. At least my fine motor skills got a workout =P

    Brain shizz: Good. I think I might find the Tyrosine beneficial still, but maybe at a half dose. I'll try half a capsule this weekend and see how that goes.

    Weekend goals: More objective tidying and sorting of my belongings, laundering the bedding, rehanging some posters that keep falling down, and getting more eggs!
    I am digging your journal! I like how you go through different areas- I may *steal* this idea of yours lol to keep myself on track!! love it!

    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

  4. #744
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    Feel free to steal! I've broken down the parts a few different ways a few different times, this just happens to highlight my main concerns lately. It changes from day to day, sometimes.

    Weekend goal report: Objective tidying was somewhat of a fail. I will try again in the summer when I'm actually wearing some of those clothes. If I'm not wearing the tank-tops, out they go. Bedding got laundered (mmmm snuggly and fresh). I forgot to hang up the poster that fell (I like this style of art). I got more eggs, but not from the local farm because I was fed up with driving everywhere on the weekends and just wanted to chill. I did get to chat with my dad (who is looking a bit better, less tired and stressed, and has possibly lost some weight) about some home improvement projects for the parents' house. I'm totally down for tearing up the floor! Literally!

    Warning: Anything negative and depressingly pensive that I report today might be part of sugar withdrawal.

    -----------------------------------------------

    Symptoms: The post nasal drip and congestion still feel kind of "thick". I think cottage cheese is even going to be out. I have a serving or two left in the container, so I will finish it off and be done with it. My YI symptoms disappeared after a couple of days, probably helped by the pills I take when the symptoms begin, and the probiotics. My period is sticking with the 2-heavy-days-and-then-practically-nothing flow that it started after dropping the oral birth control. It's almost like the flow that used to be spread out over 7 days is now condensed to mostly 2, and then a couple days of "trickle". I am going to give it one more month, so I can have a really clean month prior to my period including NO SUGAR INDULGENCES THE WEEK BEFORE (that definitely didn't help me trying to determine emotional PMS signs), then talk to the doc if things are still unsettling. I have had a bad headache for the past two days from sugar withdrawal/overdose, coupled with some nausea. I might have to resort to an Excedrin Migraine pill today so I can make it through the day. This fluorescent lighting isn't helping.

    My boyfriend's mom commented recently that I didn't look okay. Boyfriend is with me so often, he just sees the changes as they occur, so he can't say whether he feels like I look unhealthy in anyway or not. He is happy that I'm happy to be back at my college weight, but he is worried that his mom thinks I look unhealthy. A bit of a twisty way to see it, I guess, but an "outsider's" view is the only way for me to be semi-objective about my health sometimes. Potential factors: who knows how much sleep I was getting when I saw her and she said that, who knows if that was during my sugar binge, which I'm sure left me looking a bit off. My body looks fine, I am not emaciated in the least. My face... I have no poker face. I'm feeling ill, I look it. If I'm feeling stressed, I look it. As much as I feel like I can be objective about my body, I can't be objective about my face. I only see the flaws, the bags, the tiredness. Today I feel very pessimistic about my appearance. I feel like I had some times during my Whole30 where my face was looking good, less tired, less stressed, but I killed that with the sugar binge and not keeping a proper sleep schedule. But that also means it's possible to get that back! I also feel a huge FUCK YOU towards his mom because she's a heavy smoker and knows nothing about proper diet (though I am happy she is trying a "no carb" [but I see her cheat all the time] diet to loose weight, has lost 14lbs [no idea how long that took], and is walking a lot). So fuck her (a little, I mean, I do like her, I'm just deflecting) because she doesn't know shit about what healthy should look like.

    Brain shizz: My focus has been fine, but my anxiety has been very high lately. I am definitely chalking this up to the increased sugar intake. I was very irritable and emotional over the weekend and got close to a meltdown over roasting some potatoes (goddamn oven SMOKED OUT THE APARTMENT AGAINAS;DOIFJA;LSIDJF;LAJIEF;LJD, but Boyfriend will clean it <3) yesterday. I imagine this will all improve as the week continues and my system gets used to no sugar. At least, I hope so.

    Exercise: I lifted heavy things a few times over the weekend, practicing my functional strength (moving a box of computer equipment, moving a mattress downstairs for the trash). It doesn't count as exercise, but it's nice to be able to do these things and feel how quickly I recover from them. My legs had that "Do something with me!" feeling as I came up the stairs to work today, so I am promising myself some squats and KB swings when I get home It's also supposed to be very nice out so a walk during my lunch break is definitely in order!

    Food: It was very hard to keep myself away from snarfing brownies over the weekend, but Boyfriend is more on board with keeping me in check with my diet since my Whole30. I definitely appreciate his dedication to my diet haha. I think the only way he will "let" me cheat is if I choose to buy something for myself/for us (like a pizza night) and tell him I know that I'm not following the plan. The sauce we used on our meatzza Friday night had soybean oil in it, so I can't say for sure what caused the mild heartburn after (tomatoes, cheese, soybean oil...all potential factors). I will have to source out a better sauce for future testing, but I don't think we'll have meatzza for at least a couple weeks, until I'm sure that the occasional mozzarella isn't going to mess things up for me. One ingredient at a time.

    Sleep: I slept when I wanted over the weekend and overall woke up about 8 hrs after falling asleep. That seems to be the magic number for me. I had trouble falling asleep last night though because of not keeping a regular bedtime over the weekend and because Boyfriend kept moving around. Straight to bed after Castle tonight, which means I have to be ready for bed by 10pm, before it starts.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
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  5. #745
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    Quote Originally Posted by me2 View Post
    Though I know it doesn't always feel that way it does sound like you are on your way up. If I was graphing your progress my guess would be that it would go up then dip, up then dip, but overall it would still be heading in a positive direction. At least you are motivated and working hard towards your goals.
    Thank you, it's nice to have someone else's view on this I do feel like I am overall "trending positively", but hearing from the person closest to me (Boyfriend) that he thinks I'm doing worse is really a de-motivator. Then again, he doesn't study my moods quite so closely and has his own shizz going on that may be a factor in his perceptions. I forgive him, haha, and hope that he will see the positive trending someday too.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
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  6. #746
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Thank you, it's nice to have someone else's view on this I do feel like I am overall "trending positively", but hearing from the person closest to me (Boyfriend) that he thinks I'm doing worse is really a de-motivator. Then again, he doesn't study my moods quite so closely and has his own shizz going on that may be a factor in his perceptions. I forgive him, haha, and hope that he will see the positive trending someday too.
    When you're starting a gaps like protocol, you will get a bit worse before you get better. You have to trust your body is ok.

    If you're craving sugar, just eat it. I had white rice last night and I don't regret it and I didn't crash either. Another good idea might be to eat some more fruit in your day. A banana or some grapes might be a good idea. Or lots of berries. I love those.
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  7. #747
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    I'm not craving sugar today. It's easy for me to write off sugar even in fruit from by just telling myself it's not in the budget. I really want fruit overall, but I don't want to take the chance that I'm overfeeding the yeast in my system until I can confirm that the levels are normal. I see the doctor that ordered my testing on the 13th, so we'll find out then if I get to re-test or what. It makes sense to me to re-test before doing an anti-fungal, but the test results took a while to come in. I still need to pay that bill too...it's on this week's to do list since it's due by the 10th.

    At this point I highly doubt my congestion has anything to do with the yeast since I didn't have much sugar last month and was taking a lot of probiotic and felt no change in that. I'd rather put my chances in allergy testing for common environmental allergies (probably mold is going to be one), but that might require finding another doctor's office.
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  8. #748
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    I went on a bedding cleaning craze this weekend too... we got a new down comforter to replace the 18-year-old one that had come to feel (in my husbands words) like 'sleeping outdoors under a slightly damp section of newspaper, hobo style.' hahahaha....So of course everything else had to be washed and fluffed all around it cuz if you give a mouse a cookie.... And stick with that closet purge. It will feel good once you give it time. I always have a 'purgatory' area where purged clothing can loiter out of sight for a few months, then if I really havent missed it I can discard it with few qualms. There is a great blog by a diehard shoe collector which I can't name off the top of my head... but every year she 'claims' her shoes all over again by wearing them at least once... you might try that with the boots before you say goodbye! xo L

  9. #749
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    That's a good call on cleaning out the boots. I already know the canvas pair is going away because I get terrible blisters on the back of my heels due to the way the shoe bends. The ones with the heels are sexy, but my feet fall asleep when I wear them. It's time to clear out, save up, and find a pair that's comfy. I've got my combat boots as a stand-by (I like wearing them for dressy occasions), they just don't go up to my knees What I really want are these: Elf BOOTS/Handmade Moccasins Knee hIgh pointy toe by earthgarden
    Journal on depression/anxiety
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  10. #750
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    Fuck it, I want to rant.

    On weight loss: I'm not going to revisit what I've written here until it's my 1 yr anniversary (so early July), but weight loss has never been my primary goal. I want to feel good, look good, and feel good MENTALLY. So it's BEYOND frustrating and confusing when 90% if not more of the people around the forums are here for weight-related issues. Honestly I think this has a lot to do with me being confused about how much and what to eat most of the time. What makes the paleo/primal movement different from "diets" is that it's not JUST a diet in the sense of a way of eating, and it's not just a diet in the sense of weight loss, but that is how most of the people that talk about it use it. And then it seems like all those other blogs highlight semi-ridiculous things like crossfit and whatnot. I'm not saying crossfit is ridiculous in and of itself, but the blogs that write about it make it seem like THAT IS WHAT THEY DO 24/7 AND TO DO ANYTHING ELSE MAKES YOU LESS THAN HUMAN. It's just a bit frustrating that there isn't more discussion about us normal, struggling folks.

    On struggling for weight loss: I follow a bunch of odd journals around here, and many of them belong to middle-age women. Is it because they have the most active journals? Partially, and also I think I just relate with their mindsets and insecurities more than a lot of the other journals. I also pick journals based on age and writing style, but not any of these things exclusively. I think what most of these people would REALLY like to see is a Friday Success Story about someone who is still working towards a goal weight, or someone who really struggled. Maybe they have something in particular that opened the flood gates, so to speak, or maybe it was a long slow descent towards their goal weight, but they felt better for it. Maybe I'm just biased from the journal I read, but there seem to be a fair number of women who just struggle (but I don't have a sense of whether they are stuck or trending downward, so it's just a thought).

    On struggling for mental health: And what really gets my goat is those people who get these insta results and anyone who can even just say "Yay I lost 1lb this month! It's just a pound, but it was something", I'M FUCKING JEALOUS. My only meter is my mind, and that is what I am trying to fix. My journey is a fucking slow one and it is incredibly maddening sometimes to realize that I have no idea how far I've come or how far I have yet to go until I feel like I am really doing well. I don't even really know what the end goal is. I want to be happier, healthier, calmer. I want to keep my head during arguments and be able to recognize quickly when something needs to be left alone for cooler heads to discuss. I am definitely doing better than I was in July, when I was still on Lexapro and my birth control, but there's no way to know how close I am from being how I want to be. Beyond the chemical and hormonal, there's also just the ingrained thought processes that I need to get away from, like negative self-thoughts that have become habit. When it will be my turn to shed mind-weight effortlessly? Or am I the slow, up-and-down but trending downwards type, that won't get to see how well she's doing until she's been there for most of her life? I am impatient. I want results NOW. I want the cure-all diet or supplement or exercise.

    I keep using the word frustrating, but it's all I have for it. It makes me feel lost, like I want to go get my eyebrow pierced again because that was a part of me that I had to get rid of for a job, and not for me, and I don't know, I feel like it's something I want, or maybe need, to feel whole. Stream of consciousness, baby, I'm a mess today, but at least not melting. I mean, is this kind of entry, is the NEED for this kind of entry something that I should not have if I'm "doing well"? It's okay to be frustrated, I know that, but if I'm doing well, I feel like that should mean that I can put aside my frustration instead of airing it out like this. But is this such a bad thing? Is this the kind of thing I should be pondering about in therapy? I don't bloody well want to.

    Long term fitness goal: Be able to bike to and from work and not be dead on my feet upon arrival, if I so choose.

    Shorter term fitness goal: Regular exercise throughout week and regular biking on weekends when weather allows.

    Short term fitness goals: Keep doing what I'm doing, sporadic exercise throughout the week and testing functional fitness (lifting things, just doing stuff that uses my strength/body).

    Long term mental goal: Fuck if I know. I guess I want Boyfriend to recognize how far I've come & see myself largely improved in terms of mood management and proper communication about frustrations and anxieties.

    Shorter term mental goal: Fuck if I know.

    Short term mental goal: Don't have melt downs.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

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