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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 74

  1. #731
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    Ahh. Good moods. I loveds thee (note: "loveds" is a very strange word that Boyfriend and I use freely in place of "love". No frackin' clue).

    Mood/brain shizz: Last night I was in such a joyous mood right before bed. I was thinking of all kinds of things that I wanted to write about (here or maybe in my blog, or both). I am feeling like my creative side is emerging more lately, since this sudden breakthrough in being able to get up on time and feeling more awake and aware throughout the day (PROBIOTICS MUCH???). I think I will write a review of my Whole30 and how I feel like it has helped me see food as less of a burden and for what I need it to be: something healing and supportive, hence the importance of choosing the right foods for me. My concern is that I will write this and then go into a mild depression for whatever the fuck reason and feel like I am such a failure, making no progress, the usual short-lived downward spiral. But today, I am thinking, "Even if I did go into a random depressive episode, I know right now that in the long run, I know I am doing so much better and I am finding the answers, AT LAST." Patience is not a virtue I get along with, but time and experimentation are definitely on my side.

    My anxiety is still occasionally slightly overwhelming which leads me to grinding gears while driving with Boyfriend, or even stalling out, as well as mild arguments that could have otherwise been avoided. I am not really looking to "resolve" this anxiety for now, as it may improve "on its own", just like my overall mental health appears to have been improving lately. This anxiety level is fairly usual for me, even when I was on medication, so it might take longer to sort out, or it may just be something I can learn to manage. I do feel like I am learning to manage, but I also think that some of that is made possible by my overall health improvements.

    Sleep: I need a new bedtime routine. Reading in bed in the computer room before moving to the usual bedroom is all well and cozy, but I am starting to have very strange dreams involving vampires and reading RIGHT before bed seems to be making me a little too thoughtful when it's time to let the ol' brain wind down. What do people do before bed? Tidying up the apartment & finishing dishes might be an option, but I really need something that will keep my brain on a very slow thought track so gliding into sleep is easier. At least the ear plug still works really well, regardless of apparent brain activity. I can't remember trying to fall asleep last night, which means it happened very fast once I put the ear plug in my open ear. I am tired today because I did not really try to sleep (put in the ear plug to block out raiding Boyfriend) until midnight-ish, and had to get up at 7 to take Boyfriend to an appointment.

    Boyfriend: THERE WAS SUCH RELIEF THIS MORNING YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE. ALL IS WELL. Falling on the stairs and catching himself with the bad side apparently did not tear anything important or surgically implanted, it just put him through about 3 weeks of physical therapy in about 2 seconds. Hooray! This means that the pain should start to abate, though with Boyfriend's inflammatory diet, that is likely to be a slow process. The doctor told him to take anti-inflammatories as that is the most of the pain, and Boyfriend said Ibuprofen isn't helping. I just chant lose the grains in my head and am cherishing the fact that he will not need surgery again.

    Food: Delicious fucking chicken thighs last night. Even Boyfriend approved (I used coconut aminos to flavor and didn't tell him, mwahahha). It was not enough and I decided to bust out the chocolate because this is my treat week (don't worry, I'm already paying for it, see next section). Fucking delicious. I felt a little worried because I knew I was eating more than I really wanted to eat, but I won't be eating it after next week except maybe in the form of cocoa powder (unsweetened) so that will eliminate any chance of binge. A trip to the grocery store tonight will be for onions (sausages, the only ones I'll have for the next month or so, onions & peppers for dinner), unsweetened cocoa powder (if I can find one that looks good), some fresh grated mozzarella, and a bag of regular potatoes.

    Symptoms & experiments: My regular milk consumption this week is finally causing some lingering issues, such as increased congestion and post nasal drip. But the milk is gone now, we'll see if butter is an issue since I'm using that regularly now. If the post nasal drip and congestion diminish to the usual amount next week after just using butter and no cheese (except maybe once this week for Meatzza), then I'll know butter is okay, otherwise it's always going to be made into clarified butter. I might even knock that out for a while and give coconut oil another shot, just to make sure I'm not weirdly super sensitive to milk (if I'm not straining the butter well enough). I am also having increased acne (cyst-like, which means I can't really pop it, but it's rather painful) on the back of my neck. As a gross aside, I should mention that Boyfriend sweats a LOT in his sleep, especially recently (weird recovery thing? who knows) and we haven't washed the sheets in a while >< It's on the To Do list, and may make a difference in my backne. I think the overall acne issues are more likely related to my increased fructose consumption this week, however, so I should start seeing improvements soon, since I'm out of fruit (okay, waiting for one banana to get spots), sweet potatoes, and milk.

    Other factors: I'm supposed to get my period today. No signs so far, but I may have been more sensitive this week? Bah, well, no physical signs. My paranoia will make me take a test if I haven't gotten it by Saturday anyway, since that'll be over 30 days and I used to be very regular every 28 days before the pill. Maybe this lifestyle is finally affecting my cycle (hopefully for the better).
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  2. #732
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    Why do I smell like garlic? I had a little garlic powder on the chicken last night, but not enough to SMELL like it. I feel very self conscious and am glad I'm leaving work soon so no one can smell me =(

    *drinks all the water*

    Slightly less successful IF today, I guess my body didn't feel like the omelette and protein shake (whey powder, mixed berries, milk, probiotic powder) I had were enough this morning. I really could've used some food to pick me up this afternoon. Not sure if I have enough of anything to make breakfast last the whole day tomorrow =\
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  3. #733
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    That's great that BF didn't re-hurt his shoulder!
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  4. #734
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    Hi! I'm just starting to work my way through the journal forum, and have barely begun yours but want to say that your journey so far is very inspiring, and you are going through/saying so many things I need to hear! I'm looking forward to catching up and excited to see you continue to find health! Cheers!

  5. #735
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    ^Hi Kat, thanks for stopping by! Let me know if you start a journal and I'll be sure to check it out

    ---

    Budget/cleaning thoughts: I did go through my closet last weekend as intended, but I found very little to get rid of. 2 shirts and 2 pairs of shoes were brought in for the silent auction at work. So far, no bids, so they'll probably end up getting donated somewhere. I'm having a hard time being objective about some of the clothes I own. I may not wear some of them often, but I keep it because it's the only one I own (red cocktail dress), or it's semi-unique (I have two pairs of knee-high boots that I don't wear often, but one pair has no heel and is canvas, the other is leather and has a chunky heel), or I hate wearing the same things over and over so I'm afraid to weed out more. The solution to that seems to be to mix and match and layer, but I'm not really good at that. I'm already wearing the same sweaters over and over to work, so I don't think it would be a huge difference to wear the same shirts at home or when I'm out with friends. This should not be such an issue for me. I can sell that red cocktail dress, but ebay is risky because that particular dress has gone for anything between $20 and $100. It's only been worn once and I want to get a good sale! I should probably get rid of both pairs of knee high boots and just save up for one heel-less leather pair that I really like.

    This site has inspired me to be a bit more thorough in my pruning. Boyfriend and I live fairly minimally. The other day we discussed getting rid of our pull-out couch (free from his sister, the pull-out bed is disgusting and mostly broken) in favor of just using the two recliners we have in the living room, or finding a love seat on the curb somewhere. People are frequently getting rid of usable furniture in good weather in our neighborhood. My biggest concern is downsizing my wardrobe, since we don't have much else to get rid of, because fewer clothes means needing to launder more frequently. Perhaps I will look into hand-washing some items (socks) so I can go longer before a wash. Lots of underwear and socks are the things I truly need to go two weeks between laundering. I'll need to rescue my wobbly clothes drying rack from my parents house if I intend on doing this.

    I am not ruling out the possibility of downsizing to a cheaper 1br apartment if we can find one in our area this fall. That would mean selling one of the beds (probably mine, sadly, since it's in better shape) and dressers (also mine, but it's old so we probably wouldn't get much for it) and probably getting an air mattress for guests. The biggest problem with a 1br apartment is that most don't come with more than one parking spot. There are municipal lots in my town, but I haven't found any information yet on how to get a spot and how much they cost. I'm not sure how much Boyfriend would like that idea either, and I definitely would not be parking my scooter there.

    ----

    Sleep: I fell asleep very early last night (no idea what time, probably as early as 9pm), and was so tired that I slept easily with the light on and Boyfriend on his computer in the same room! He joined me very late and is probably missing class right now =\ Yesterday he didn't feel tired, but fell asleep on the train on his way to class...and woke up at the same station, a full train ride later. Scary. I imagine the sleepiness is part of his body's healing process and that eating more nutritious food (and just eating MORE) would probably help him. I think one more night of reasonable sleep and I will feel much last fatigued during the day, regardless of the lack of lunch.

    Food: We got sushi last night, in celebration of Boyfriend not being re-broken. It was tasty, I was still hungry after, but I distracted myself and went to bed before I could nibble on anything. The brazil nuts are gone and I finished my last banana when I got home from work. Breakfast today was 2 eggs over easy (no more eggs till the weekend) and a pork chop (well, one and a half, I got bored halfway through the second). So tonight will be sausages, peppers, and onions, since I didn't make them last night. And tomorrow: payday and MEATZZA. I bought some freshly grated mozzarella just for the occasion.

    Symptoms: Post nasal drip is still thick and obnoxious, as is the congestion. Today I really need to hydrate and drink some green tea to try and flush this out. It might take a few days for the extra dairy to work through me and stop the inflammation. Boyfriend said I was very cutely snoring last night >< I got my period very suddenly this morning, and the cramps started immediately after. I don't appreciate the sneak attack, but the lack of PMS is nice. I am being very cautious for the first few days because my flow tends to be heavier and I sometimes get yeast infection-like symptoms during those days. Cloth pads seem to help, but I have a very limited supply and none are quite right for my flow. I am a little worried that I might have some other infection going on "down there" right now because my usual scent seems a bit off, but it's not the usual YI smell. My acne seems to be diminishing.

    Exercise: I helped rack a server yesterday and they weigh 60lbs so I did not exercise. Lame excuse, since it took all of 60 seconds to get on the rails, and I wasn't lifting it alone. I meant to lift the KB a bit this morning, but had to sew a button on Boyfriend's coat. At least my fine motor skills got a workout =P

    Brain shizz: Good. I think I might find the Tyrosine beneficial still, but maybe at a half dose. I'll try half a capsule this weekend and see how that goes.

    Weekend goals: More objective tidying and sorting of my belongings, laundering the bedding, rehanging some posters that keep falling down, and getting more eggs!
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  6. #736
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    Biometrics screening kit arrived and I'm too much of a wuss to do it myself (I can cut myself and draw blood intentionally, but prick my finger with a kit? no fucking way), so I'm having Boyfriend do it. He's not squeamish about these kinds of things, and did first-aid type training in the Army and for his job as a soccer coach last year. He knows how to put in an IV, which I think is pretty cool. I am hesitant to do it this week because of all the sugar I've been eating, I don't want to mess up my results =\ I am supposed to fast 9-12 hrs before hand, hulllooooo overnight!

    Sleep: Starting to fail on the sleep front and I'm worried. Last night I think lights were out by 11pm, but around 11:45 I was not asleep because I could hear (through the ear on the pillow, other one had the plug in) Boyfriend trying to cut up his brownies in the kitchen (did I mentioned our apartment has no insulation?). I zombied in and out to whine about the noise and don't think I really fell asleep until after he came to bed (not long after). He tried to talk to me at some point in the night and I remember him saying "I love you" and I'm not sure if I responded. Come morning, I almost did not get out of bed when my alarm went off. I can feel the tiredness under my eyes. I told Boyfriend I remembered him speaking to me and he said he spoke to me a number of times and I responded with things like, "I need to sleep!" Now I'm mad that he kept speaking to me because he fucking woke me up!

    Food: I did not want to make breakfast. Last night was a carb fest, we had rice & sausages. I don't think I can trust my body with anything when I'm on my period. I also got gelato when Boyfriend took us out (felt good to have him driving again) for a sugar run, and ate 2 servings (half the container). Over 50g of sugar. And probably because of that, I had no interest in food this morning. I chugged the last of my protein powder in water (disgusting), so there's 25g of protein at least. Water seems to be perking me up a bit, but not much.

    Symptoms: Tired, grouchy, inaccurate hunger signals. If I had the gelato with me right now, I would throw it out, but I imagine I'll keep it and finish it before next week >< My lady bits are unhappy and my flow is absurdly heavy. That usually interferes with me sleeping properly because I worry about leakage. This period is the first time I've realized how HEAVY my flow is and now I'm concerned. And you KNOW the doc will suggest going on BC. Fuck you.

    Mood/brain: Irritable, depressed, agitated. Thinking okay, but I think you can tell by the way I'm writing this entry that I'm not all right today. I simultaneously want to punch something and cry. I am trying not to think about budget or groceries or anything because I will just get more upset. Seriously, I'm getting upset because I forgot to get more BACON and I really wanted some this weekend. FML, I hope I can find something to make today go by quickly. I really hate myself today.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  7. #737
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    Tired, grouchy, inaccurate hunger signals.
    Irritable, depressed, agitated.
    I forgot to get more BACON
    I know corelation isn't causation, but let's be honest. I'm seeing a pattern here.
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  8. #738
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    AHAHAHAH

    Aahhh. If only that was it. I know the sugar is a big factor. We'll just see how the rest of February goes with no sugar except for the small amount in squash-veggies. The worst part is that once I give in to sugar, I'm reliant on it for moods. I know a spoonful of honey would perk me up right now and it has NOTHING to do with it being amazing honey and EVERYTHING to do with the sugar.

    I ate my lunch (rice & sausage leftovers) and am feeling a bit better. I think it's tea time.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  9. #739
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    Things worth sharing before I vanish from my journal for the weekend (I'll still check in

    Infographic of the Week: Carbs are Killing You [Infographic] | Food+Tech Connect
    Absolutely LOVE this break-down of macronutrient processing. Much nicer than Fat Head, but saying the same things.

    Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Self challenge!
    For a challenge on checking in with yourself, saying positive things, and self-portraits. The challenge reminded me that I'm not keeping up with my photography goals and also made me think about my critical eye when it comes to self-portraits. I know that my camera lens is not what I'd like it to be, but I think I'm very hard about how my face is proportioned when I take photos of myself. I may consider doing a self-portrait challenge for a month to try and push that insecurity a little.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  10. #740
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    that's a great info-graphic and the comments were pretty interesting too!
    Cooking Primal with Otter - Journal
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    "Not baked goods, Professor, baked bads!" ~ The Tick

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