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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 737

  1. #7361
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    The fruit cravings could be seasonal. I know I tend to want more fruits in the summer and more starches in the winter.
    I'm glad there's a method for Hulky that's helping y'all survive better. Whatever it takes.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  2. #7362
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    Nearly had a bad morning. Second morning in a row that I've woken up exhausted. I don't recall waking, so something is off about my sleep quality. My gut isn't back to a decent place yet either, so maybe that's part of it.

    My system with Hulky only works so well. At some point, he has to make these To Do lists on his own. I found out yesterday that he didn't do something from one of the first lists and didn't mention it or put it on a subsequent list (calling about large medical bills we shouldn't have received). So it's on today's list. I am fighting being very frustrated about that.

    We have several new people joining the office soon. I have to get to work on getting their software and hardware in order. Today, I just feel irritated about it rather than looking forward to having something to do!

    Food: I need to simplify my diet again, get back to just meat, squash & green beans. If my tummy behaves, then I will add in ONE vegetable or fruit for a few days. I feel like this would be easier to do in the winter time, when I am not craving fruit so much. I had another smoothie this morning and tossed in some frozen mulberries from a friend's mom's garden. Yay for local fruit.

    BM: I'm still doing the potty sitting time in the AM, but haven't managed to restore the morning BM. It comes much later in the morning or in the afternoon. I took two Constipation Stop last night, no BM yet.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  3. #7363
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    Anxiety today. I am feeling the need to micromanage and thus getting upset at the actual lack of control I have over other people.

    It's my mom's birthday. Hulky said he's willing to go over for dinner with me. Why am I so anxious about this?

    Chance of rain has gone down so I am going out for a walk.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  4. #7364
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    Bored. No patience. Venting.

    I still have a lot of anxiety about dinner tonight.

    TW: scars & past self-injury

    My forearm scars are very visible this summer. I guess I am getting more sun than usual, thanks to bicycling so frequently. I swear I must have been more tan at some point in the past 10 yrs but my scars weren't really noticeable then. Hulky rarely notices them, but when I told him they were brighter, he agreed. I feel conflicted about it. On the one hand, they are a part of my past, a sign of victory considering they are all old (none newer than 8 yrs). On the other, there is increased risk that someone else will notice and comment. I am an arm-watcher: I look out for other people with scars. Sometimes I see them and I feel good and bad. I'm not alone, but that means someone else suffered like I did. I wish there was something I could say, but if it was me, I don't know that I'd want someone to say something to me.

    I can't wait until I have the ideas/money to get them covered with tattoos. That has been the plan for a long time. The only forearm tattoo idea I had recently shifted to a calf. I think the design is going to be too big to fit on a forearm. That is is probably the next one that I'll look into getting, but that's a long ways off with the way our financials are going.

    I really want a flower tattoo. My chest piece will probably be flowers. Roses and magnolias are my only ideas so far. A weird combination, I guess, but there will probably be some central flower or image to tie it all together. I also really like sunflowers. A chest tattoo is even farther away, as I'd want to fill up my arms a bit more first.

    In other news, I made it 6 days before feeling like I really needed to wash my hair. 1 TB baking soda and 1 TB ACV in pre-boiled water (separate cups) worked quite well yet again. I try to shower after work so it's dry before bed and brush before I shower to distribute the oils. I am going to be able to have a small pony-tail by the time I get to my monthly progress photo on July 23. Time to get some hair elastics!
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

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    My scars get comments too. I have slashes over my carotid that people (people are so rude) ask me about frequently - is that where you attempted suicide? No, I say, that was surgery. Then, if I'm feeling mischievous, I'll pull up my sleeves show them my arms and say: THIS is where I attempted suicide, and this one over my wrist was a scratch from a hedge, but I picked at it.

    Best friend is saving to get arrows tattooed over hers. And then there's my beloved Frank Turner...

    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm and (in development) Vanguard!

  7. #7367
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    I have had people ask about certain scars I have near my wrists, asking if I cut myself. Most of the time, I point to a single faded scar along a vein and say solemnly, almost reverently, "only once." That's usually all it takes to shut them up. If I'm feeling more humorous, I point at each of them and say stuff like "chain link fence, 1995" and "cedar tree, 2007." Either way, they get the point.
    I've thought about getting a tattoo sleeve on one leg to hide scars, but I like telling the stories behind the scars.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  8. #7368
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    Continued scar trigger warning (just in case):
    My stories behind most scars are: I was trying to cope with depression. I think if someone actually asked me about them in a way that wasn't respectful, I would be not very nice. I think that's why I value some of my non self-inflicted scars (they have stories), like the one on my lip that was caused by a dog bite, but of course no one ever notices that one.

    Scarification as an art form/form of body modification is fascinating and can be quite beautiful, but not for me! The scars (covered by the scarification) in the photo in that link were originally deeper than any of mine (I was always very careful), but the amount looks similar. Mine don't really show in photos. I am possibly overreacting about their visibility. None are very distinctive, though there are a couple on my thighs and elsewhere that used to say things (partially faded out or didn't scar).

    Thanks for commenting on the scar stuff though. It's nice to have a little conversation about it, even if it doesn't result in anything happening. Solidarity, I guess.

    -----

    Sleep: Another morning of waking up tired. I woke up around 3 AM. Hulky slept poorly too, so maybe it's just that we keep disturbing each other? He said he slept fine earlier this week though. I don't know, I'll just blame my tummy. I got out of bed just before 6 and had time to make some lunch at least.

    Gut: SUPER awful gas pain yesterday. I had mashed potatoes & beans with dinner, which is possibly part of the problem. I took my Constipation Stop (I think just one capsule) earlier in the evening and had my BM first thing in the morning.

    Body: I am working at the chin-up stuff. I am noticing that my right side seems weaker than the left now. That is usually opposite for me so I am more than a little confused! Maybe some over-head presses with the kettlebell will help.

    Brain: Dinner at my parents' house was fine. Everyone behaved. I feel better than I did yesterday, but not as care-free as I did earlier in the week, knowing that Hulky still hasn't called about the medical bills he received. We have been playing pass-the-stick with this doctor's office about a bill for several months. They keep needing more information from insurance or something, we get it all together, and then they send us the bill for the full amount again when it should have been sent through insurance. He is just anxious about calling, not that anything bad will happen (unless he DOESN'T call).
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  9. #7369
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    Oooo ooo and I started Hulky's anniversary gift last night! It's coming out awesome so far. I should have taken some photos of the process, but I can probably take some of tonight's session, assuming I have time to work on it. I'm using freezer paper as a stencil (cut out the design & iron on the freezer paper so you get clean lines) and just need to do one more layer to put down the black sections, then let it dry, iron it for a few minutes (with paper protecting the design) on both sides, then wash & dry. The paint should hold up quite well over time. I'm using a sponge brush to apply. Some of my edges came out a little messy, but I think that has to do with how I applied the paint. I'll try to stick with consistent strokes next time and use less paint initially. I think it's going to look pretty professional when it's done. I'm so excited to give it to him.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  10. #7370
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    I tried to go for a run after work, but the GPS on my phone wouldn't work and my shins started to hurt really badly after not very long. I was out for about 20 minutes, but probably half of that if not more was just walking. That attempt put me in a really foul mood, but at least it didn't deter me from trying again (when my shins feel better, which will probably not be for several days).
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

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