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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change?

  1. #7291
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    I am listening.

    The ultimatum may be the thing that gets him moving as much as I hate them. Hulky is not as bad as all that, Badger, but he is very willing to not do anything productive. Yes, I am afraid to stew in my own anxiety... My therapist has often said to me, "I invite you to sit with the discomfort, because it will not kill you."

    I am thinking of saying, "I need to step back from your depression. I realize I have been taking over dealing with it for you in some ways and it's too much for me. If you want help, you will have to ask and then tell me what you need. I'll let you know if it's something I can handle." Hulky is at least medicated (yet to see if this is the right stuff, it probably hasn't kicked in yet) but does not follow up on anything unless I prod him a lot.

    I don't want to threaten to kick him out .
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  2. #7292
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    time for tough love...........

    do you discuss finances - or do you just take on that responsibility? Does he understand the burden you are under carrying the entire financial load for the both of you?

    does he know you're trying to find a less expensive apartment because your paycheck just doesn't stretch far enough?

  3. #7293
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    He knows all of that. We talk about it. I am the only one looking.
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  4. #7294
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    I work. Husband is at home and is primary parent. It's a struggle, but I don't actually care that the financial burden falls on my shoulders or that I do most of the cooking and more than half the cleaning. I do expect him to be a partner though and to provide love and emotional support when needed, to raise our son and play to his strengths. We will both always be fragile and a little co-dependent at times - it's probably part of why we ended up together - but I expect him (and he always has since) to take responsibility for his mental and physical health.

    There's give and take in any relationship, of course, but you cannot allow yourself to get sucked in to caring for him like one would a child.
    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm and (in development) Vanguard! 3D printed miniatures for sci-fi RPGs.

  5. #7295
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    I have been where you are. I am an adult child of alcoholics and a fixer. It was my therapist that made it clear to me that by doing for others--my ex husband and children-- what they should be dong for themselves I was selfishly helping myself and hurting them.

    Hearing that helped and I often repeated the mantra-- "Sit in your shit. It not only helps you, it helps your love ones gain confidence in their ability to handle their shit."

    I don't think threatening to kick him out is a good thing at this point. That being said, I would make it clear that therapy should be entered into immediately.

    But then again, I have a hard time understanding how/why doctors prescribe antidepressants without, at least, suggesting( possibly mandating) therapy.

    And FWIW, therapy saved my sanity/well being and possibly my ex's life.

  6. #7296
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    It feels a little strange to read and comment on these journals sometimes. Like yes they're purposefully public and nothing is shared without permission, but this is deeply personal and heavy stuff. It's probably easy to say the wrong things.

    Sitting with your emotions is a great way to better understand them and yourself. One problem with it though is that we often confuse our thoughts for emotions. Bad thoughts feed into the bad emotion and amplify the emotion. If you can, try to sit quietly with your feelings and really focus on them, without adding in any of the stories. The stories we tell ourselves can confuse things and take us further from reality :/

    If you can feel the emotion as a physical sensation in your body, try paying very close attention to that. And try to remember that you're not defined by your emotions. Emotional states are friendly visitors. You're not sad; you're experiencing sadness. Sometime in the future you won't be.

    I hope you feel better soon <3
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  7. #7297
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nellodee View Post
    It feels a little strange to read and comment on these journals sometimes. Like yes they're purposefully public and nothing is shared without permission, but this is deeply personal and heavy stuff. It's probably easy to say the wrong things.

    Sitting with your emotions is a great way to better understand them and yourself. One problem with it though is that we often confuse our thoughts for emotions. Bad thoughts feed into the bad emotion and amplify the emotion. If you can, try to sit quietly with your feelings and really focus on them, without adding in any of the stories. The stories we tell ourselves can confuse things and take us further from reality :/

    If you can feel the emotion as a physical sensation in your body, try paying very close attention to that. And try to remember that you're not defined by your emotions. Emotional states are friendly visitors. You're not sad; you're experiencing sadness. Sometime in the future you won't be.

    I hope you feel better soon <3
    I really like you. You are a wise and gentle soul.
    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm and (in development) Vanguard! 3D printed miniatures for sci-fi RPGs.

  8. #7298
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    +1. I think I may become a vegetarian.

    I love the part about stories. I am often upset about things that haven't happened yet or add to my anxiety by rehearsing for conversations and events ahead of time.

  9. #7299
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    Nell, you basically just voiced most of the things that my therapist tells me over and over. Haha, tomorrow's session should be productive as I tell her that my online friends did her job .

    Yeah, thoughts vs. emotions is tricky ESPECIALLY with depression. Ultimately I have to do what I want Hulky to do: suck it up and make a decision. I know I am avoiding the uncomfortable conversation that will be "Suck it up. If you can't handle XYZ on your own, you need to go to therapy. I can't go for you and I can't handle your affairs on top of my own while trying to run this household." FYI, the doc did tell him to go to therapy, but hasn't been pressing the issue in follow-up appointments.

    I rehearse conversations in my head a lot. It's worse when I'm stressed/depressed/anxious, obviously. There have been a lot of arguments in my head with Hulky lately.

    Badger, the arrangement you described with your husband being the homemaker and you being the bacon-bringer (how I put it instead of "bread winner") is kind of what I imagine us doing someday. Hulky wants to be a "stay at home Hulky" which is mostly laziness IMO, but I would be happy with him being a stay at home dad ONLY IF we are making enough to have only me working with no financial strain AND I get to be at home for at least the first 3 months after birth. Anyway, that's years away. I hope.

    ---

    Sleep: Had caffeine too late yesterday, couldn't fall asleep until around 1 AM.

    Gut: Coffee yesterday got things moving, had another BM this morning. I took Constipation Stop last night. I will probably take it again tonight just to be sure.

    Food: I'm avoiding rice for now. I think that may have been part of the problem. I am undereating a little bit, but doing okay. We came in under budget for groceries last month, but did eat out several times.

    Body: I think the next progression in chin-ups is going to be stopping at various points during the descent from a negative chin-up. And holding. And then lowering all the way. Once I can do that to some degree of success at all depths of the descent, I will try mini-chin-ups, starting from the top and only descending a little before pulling back up. I think this just might work... This morning's bike ride felt pretty good. I am working on switching to a more difficult gear ratio, since I was pretty settled on 3x5 (21 speed bike), so now I'm trying to get to 3x6. I am sure I'll be doing 3x7 with little trouble by the end of the summer, as long as the weather cooperates.

    It's a hot one today! I've been good about hydrating lately, so not too worried about keeping hydrated today. In fact, I already need to refill my water bottle.

    Time for tea & collagen.
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  10. #7300
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    With regard to the chin-ups, I've been doing that same variation, stopping and holding on the descent and I think it's really helping.

    Lots of good advice on emotional issues. Hubby's been anxious lately so it was good for me to hear those suggestion.
    Life is death. We all take turns. It's sacred to eat during our turn and be eaten when our turn is over. RichMahogany.

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