Page 730 of 933 FirstFirst ... 230630680720728729730731732740780830 ... LastLast
Results 7,291 to 7,300 of 9327

Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change?

  1. #7291
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    5,421
    Shop Now
    I don't know how bad things are for the two of you, but for us... husband was begging me to kill him by pushing him under a train. He wasn't washing. He wasn't getting out of bed. He wasn't feeding himself. Every day I would climb the stairs to our front door expecting to find him dead in the flat.

    Eventually, after months of me trying (and failing) to carry him, I gave him an ultimatum: go to the doctor and sign on as unemployed or I am kicking you out (I was aware that he had nowhere else to go - he would have been homeless). It was the first step in his recovery.

    Of course, then I went to pieces for a while...and ended up having to take the happy pills and talk to a nice lady in a quiet room for an hour a week.

    However, me refusing to carry him was the start of him (and us) getting better.
    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm and (in development) Vanguard! 3D printed miniatures for sci-fi RPGs.

  2. #7292
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    MA, USA
    Posts
    13,222
    I am listening.

    The ultimatum may be the thing that gets him moving as much as I hate them. Hulky is not as bad as all that, Badger, but he is very willing to not do anything productive. Yes, I am afraid to stew in my own anxiety... My therapist has often said to me, "I invite you to sit with the discomfort, because it will not kill you."

    I am thinking of saying, "I need to step back from your depression. I realize I have been taking over dealing with it for you in some ways and it's too much for me. If you want help, you will have to ask and then tell me what you need. I'll let you know if it's something I can handle." Hulky is at least medicated (yet to see if this is the right stuff, it probably hasn't kicked in yet) but does not follow up on anything unless I prod him a lot.

    I don't want to threaten to kick him out .
    Journal
    Current interests - Starting Strength (reading it very slowly)

    Depression Lies

  3. #7293
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Pacific NW
    Posts
    9,312
    time for tough love...........

    do you discuss finances - or do you just take on that responsibility? Does he understand the burden you are under carrying the entire financial load for the both of you?

    does he know you're trying to find a less expensive apartment because your paycheck just doesn't stretch far enough?

  4. #7294
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    MA, USA
    Posts
    13,222
    He knows all of that. We talk about it. I am the only one looking.
    Journal
    Current interests - Starting Strength (reading it very slowly)

    Depression Lies

  5. #7295
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    5,421
    I work. Husband is at home and is primary parent. It's a struggle, but I don't actually care that the financial burden falls on my shoulders or that I do most of the cooking and more than half the cleaning. I do expect him to be a partner though and to provide love and emotional support when needed, to raise our son and play to his strengths. We will both always be fragile and a little co-dependent at times - it's probably part of why we ended up together - but I expect him (and he always has since) to take responsibility for his mental and physical health.

    There's give and take in any relationship, of course, but you cannot allow yourself to get sucked in to caring for him like one would a child.
    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm and (in development) Vanguard! 3D printed miniatures for sci-fi RPGs.

  6. #7296
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Posts
    2,738
    I have been where you are. I am an adult child of alcoholics and a fixer. It was my therapist that made it clear to me that by doing for others--my ex husband and children-- what they should be dong for themselves I was selfishly helping myself and hurting them.

    Hearing that helped and I often repeated the mantra-- "Sit in your shit. It not only helps you, it helps your love ones gain confidence in their ability to handle their shit."

    I don't think threatening to kick him out is a good thing at this point. That being said, I would make it clear that therapy should be entered into immediately.

    But then again, I have a hard time understanding how/why doctors prescribe antidepressants without, at least, suggesting( possibly mandating) therapy.

    And FWIW, therapy saved my sanity/well being and possibly my ex's life.

  7. #7297
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,706
    It feels a little strange to read and comment on these journals sometimes. Like yes they're purposefully public and nothing is shared without permission, but this is deeply personal and heavy stuff. It's probably easy to say the wrong things.

    Sitting with your emotions is a great way to better understand them and yourself. One problem with it though is that we often confuse our thoughts for emotions. Bad thoughts feed into the bad emotion and amplify the emotion. If you can, try to sit quietly with your feelings and really focus on them, without adding in any of the stories. The stories we tell ourselves can confuse things and take us further from reality :/

    If you can feel the emotion as a physical sensation in your body, try paying very close attention to that. And try to remember that you're not defined by your emotions. Emotional states are friendly visitors. You're not sad; you're experiencing sadness. Sometime in the future you won't be.

    I hope you feel better soon <3
    Music of the day/week/month/whatever:

    The Bird and the Bees - Love Letter to Japan https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWYoIoqJURA

  8. #7298
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Melbourne
    Posts
    5,421
    Quote Originally Posted by Nellodee View Post
    It feels a little strange to read and comment on these journals sometimes. Like yes they're purposefully public and nothing is shared without permission, but this is deeply personal and heavy stuff. It's probably easy to say the wrong things.

    Sitting with your emotions is a great way to better understand them and yourself. One problem with it though is that we often confuse our thoughts for emotions. Bad thoughts feed into the bad emotion and amplify the emotion. If you can, try to sit quietly with your feelings and really focus on them, without adding in any of the stories. The stories we tell ourselves can confuse things and take us further from reality :/

    If you can feel the emotion as a physical sensation in your body, try paying very close attention to that. And try to remember that you're not defined by your emotions. Emotional states are friendly visitors. You're not sad; you're experiencing sadness. Sometime in the future you won't be.

    I hope you feel better soon <3
    I really like you. You are a wise and gentle soul.
    My journal: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/forum/thread60211.html Into RPG table top games? Check out FateStorm and (in development) Vanguard! 3D printed miniatures for sci-fi RPGs.

  9. #7299
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Hudson Valley
    Posts
    5,749
    +1. I think I may become a vegetarian.

    I love the part about stories. I am often upset about things that haven't happened yet or add to my anxiety by rehearsing for conversations and events ahead of time.

  10. #7300
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    MA, USA
    Posts
    13,222
    Shop Now
    Nell, you basically just voiced most of the things that my therapist tells me over and over. Haha, tomorrow's session should be productive as I tell her that my online friends did her job .

    Yeah, thoughts vs. emotions is tricky ESPECIALLY with depression. Ultimately I have to do what I want Hulky to do: suck it up and make a decision. I know I am avoiding the uncomfortable conversation that will be "Suck it up. If you can't handle XYZ on your own, you need to go to therapy. I can't go for you and I can't handle your affairs on top of my own while trying to run this household." FYI, the doc did tell him to go to therapy, but hasn't been pressing the issue in follow-up appointments.

    I rehearse conversations in my head a lot. It's worse when I'm stressed/depressed/anxious, obviously. There have been a lot of arguments in my head with Hulky lately.

    Badger, the arrangement you described with your husband being the homemaker and you being the bacon-bringer (how I put it instead of "bread winner") is kind of what I imagine us doing someday. Hulky wants to be a "stay at home Hulky" which is mostly laziness IMO, but I would be happy with him being a stay at home dad ONLY IF we are making enough to have only me working with no financial strain AND I get to be at home for at least the first 3 months after birth. Anyway, that's years away. I hope.

    ---

    Sleep: Had caffeine too late yesterday, couldn't fall asleep until around 1 AM.

    Gut: Coffee yesterday got things moving, had another BM this morning. I took Constipation Stop last night. I will probably take it again tonight just to be sure.

    Food: I'm avoiding rice for now. I think that may have been part of the problem. I am undereating a little bit, but doing okay. We came in under budget for groceries last month, but did eat out several times.

    Body: I think the next progression in chin-ups is going to be stopping at various points during the descent from a negative chin-up. And holding. And then lowering all the way. Once I can do that to some degree of success at all depths of the descent, I will try mini-chin-ups, starting from the top and only descending a little before pulling back up. I think this just might work... This morning's bike ride felt pretty good. I am working on switching to a more difficult gear ratio, since I was pretty settled on 3x5 (21 speed bike), so now I'm trying to get to 3x6. I am sure I'll be doing 3x7 with little trouble by the end of the summer, as long as the weather cooperates.

    It's a hot one today! I've been good about hydrating lately, so not too worried about keeping hydrated today. In fact, I already need to refill my water bottle.

    Time for tea & collagen.
    Journal
    Current interests - Starting Strength (reading it very slowly)

    Depression Lies

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •