Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 71

[namelesswonder]

^It seriously can't hurt ya, give it a try! From my perspective, dose up A LOT to start with.

The good: Boyfriend's shoulder is right on track. Doctor wasn't happy about the pain and that he still needs meds to get by (inflammation, mayhaps? not that he'll listen to me), but Boyfriend can start going to class (hooray!) and doing stuff, even if it hurts. He also gets to start physical therapy. I expect a grumpy, but semi-functional boyfriend will be looming in my life. He can start making dinner again! Honestly, I'm a bit nervous about that...

The bad: I got so tired right around the time I left to take Boyfriend to his appointment and started to stress about being late. I stalled the car once and grinded gears twice within 30 seconds on the way back from the appointment. Boyfriend didn't want me to go back to work, and I think rightly so, but I can't ditch right now. So I'm back at work and feeling worn out as all FUCK. Mood is dipping pretty low. I absolutely MUST get to bed at a reasonable time. Dinner is drumsticks which is super easy, so thank the gods for that.

On being a downer & parents: They are linked, really. It's a long standing habit of mine, and even when I'm chipper and everything is looking up, I trash-talk myself. I'm too worn out to think about this more now, but it's something I should try to break down at some point. It's true though that I don't really feel like an adult or feel like I'm treated as an adult with them, and that's very frustrating. I'm not sure what they would need to be doing differently, or me.

[fpsjosh01]

With the thing about defending yourself and your food to your parents- I suspect that part of it is that you're still transitioning between being a kid in the eyes of the family and being an adult, right? After all, kids shouldn't sass their elders, but a fellow adult can have an opposing opinion.

I've converted hard CW. My parents are BEYOND CW. They're like robots. When they finally realize what they're supposed to eat they're going to ask for my help.

After all this time, being autistic, frustrated, misdiagnosed, ridiculed in my family, destroyed mentally, and worst of all, misunderstood, I promised myself I wouldn't help them. I already tried, they don't want my help.

On being a downer & parents: They are linked, really. It's a long standing habit of mine, and even when I'm chipper and everything is looking up, I trash-talk myself.

You and I probably justify it as a motivator to keep us going. Maybe I could take some of your mindset and do some introspection myself.

Don't worry, we don't think you're stupid.

[namelesswonder]

It definitely is partly a motivator. It's how I get myself out of bed sometimes, and not just when I'm depressed, though lately I've just been getting up. I really do want to be introspective about this, my brain just isn't working well enough right now to manage it.

I'm eating a very late lunch (just got hungry w/in the last half hour) of steak with green peppers & onions, and feeling mildly better, though still very tired.

I know I'm not stupid, even if I say it all the time. People at work seem to think I'm pretty awesome, which is great for my morale (and for the hope that I might get a raise at my annual review...). Ugh, but you know what term I hate when describing intelligence? "Bright." My family uses it, and it just seem condescending, like you're not actually smart, you just want the person to feel good about themselves. I have no idea why that word makes me feel that way.

[namelesswonder]

Taxes are confusing. I'm getting less than I originally thought after adding my second W-2 form, but Boyfriend set me straight: it's still a good amount of money (he said "a lot", but I don't think of it as a lot, just a decent amount for what I need it for). So I'll pay off about half of my smallest loan, which has the highest interest rate. And if I win the lottery, I'll pay them all off! MWAHAHAHAH! Ahem. Yeah. I'm just waiting on the interest form for my savings account and then I can file.

I am going to go through my closet this weekend to tidy up (it's a very odd space, it's VERY deep off to the left because it goes off under the stairs that go to the second floor, but that means the ceiling slopes down as it extends) and see if I have anything worth selling. I might polish my Doc Marten oxfords and see if I can sell those on ebay for a bit. I think I bought them for around $30. Calculating shipping for these beasts might be tricky. I might have another LP to sell (by The World/Inferno Friendship Society) too, but probably not much else.

Sleep: Boyfriend and I were exhausted, so we were in bed before 9:30 pm. I woke up once to pee (I always pee RIGHT before getting into bed so I hate when this happens) and woke up before my alarm but was feeling too drowsy to get up. I got up with my alarm and felt fairly alert, for me. I feel like I slept deeply and "thoroughly".

Food: We ordered sushi because I just kept running out of steam as the evening progressed. I think there might have been bad stuff in it (got something new, seems like there was some kind of sauce on one of them), but I felt fine after and feel okay today. I had a 3-egg omelette and 4 chicken sausages (nitrate and gluten free) for breakfast and then suddenly felt sickly full. Now I'm hungry (4 hours later). Bacon really does help fill me up with all that lovely fat, I don't get hungry until mid-afternoon. Tonight, I'll defrost some ground beef tonight for burgers for dinner tomorrow, and something else for breakfast to go with my omelette. I have one more pre-cooked steak left that I can cut up and add to something. I'd like to find another breakfast alternative (much as I love bacon) that can keep me filled until mid-afternoon or later. Lunch is never large enough to keep me going for a later supper, so I get a bit anxious trying to get home so I can cook! As I recall, a protein shake (with 25g of protein plus an egg sometimes so at least 30g) with an omelette or some other breakfast food kept me full for almost the entire day, but I'm not going to test whey/dairy yet. I might look into a rice based protein option, but there are so few protein powders without any junk added, it might not be worth it.

Brain stuff: Focus is good today. Actually it's REALLY good. Usually when I forget things, I have to start hunting around for notes on my computer or get a visual of what I was doing. Today I just have to have a 2-second tantrum in my brain (sort of mentally stomping around going "WHAT WAS IT WHAT WAS IT") and I remember. It's an odd method, I suppose, but it works. It's something I relate with hyperactivity, but I'm not otherwise feeling hyper. Maybe a little irritable, since I must be honest, but not in a low-energy kind of way. Maybe it's time to back off of the Tyrosine. I want to see how this lasts, and if it continues through the weekend first. If weekend brain matches weekday brain, I know it's not just a fluke.

Symptoms: Congestion (I should note that it's always "dry" congestion, nothing running or able to blow anything out) and post nasal drip (not so much, but it's usually on and off). Starting to get really irritated about this again.

Supplement thoughts: My new order of Theanine may arrive today so I will start back up on that with 3 doses of 200mg per day for a few weeks and then reduce to 2 doses of 200mg and assess. Vitamin D drops without citrus are 3 business days away. I feel okay without the D, right now. I am investigating the use of methionine, specifically in Sam-e, to help manage histamine levels & gut health. I have also read that low or no antibodies in the system can cause frequent infections. I know my system is fighting off yeast right now and I wonder if something like Colostrum might help with that (the histamine could just be a response to the yeast). In any event, I won't be ordering more supplements until February 3rd or later (next pay day), so I will keep researching in the meantime.

This weekend I'd like to visit the local farm and see if they care any local meat, dairy, or honey. I guess they probably don't have honey at this time of year, but it's worth checking and/or asking about. I want to see what their prices are like too. It'll be a mad house, as they're always busy on the weekend, but it should be a fun excursion anyway.

[drssgchic]

Probably because of all the bright little unique snowflakes out there with fragile self-esteem . . . *shakes head*

I don't know how or when it happened with my parents and me, but I know that they see me as an adult now. I think a big part of it is age, but also the ability to take care of ourselves. I don't know about your mom, but I worried the bejeezus out of mine for a long time because of my depression. I was younger- but I think the depression kept me as a "kid" in her mind because I needed to be cared for. I'm willing to bet that the proactive stance you're taking on managing yourself will help with being seen as an adult.

One of the things my friends have said about me is that I can find a silver lining in anything. They're right- if I'm talking about them. What they don't usually see is that if someone hands me a silver lining of my own- I will find that raincloud and hold onto it for dear life. It's the way I'm wired, and I think that has a lot to do with depression. Chicken or egg- seeing the world this way made me fall into depression or depression makes me see the world this way- doesn't really matter. It is. One of the other things I've said a lot (mostly to myself) that I suck, but everyone else apparently sucks worse. And- if I can do it (as in, what skills do I have?), why the hell can't everyone else?

The thing is- when I'm successful in finding my own silver linings, or remembering that I don't suck, or realizing that just because I get it really doesn't mean that everyone else can- then things are better. There isn't a chance in hell that I could do daily affermations of "I'm beautiful, I'm smart, I'm successful!" with a straight face. But focusing on the fact that I wrote (like your poem) rather than the fact that those 500 words were put in the story with the expectation that they will be cut makes it easier to be more positive. I don't know if this will be of any help at all to you, but I wanted to say (in a roundabout way) that you're not alone.

[namelesswonder]

It is helpful, thanks E

[namelesswonder]

Mood is back up to weekend levels today, I'm spending a lot of time day-dreaming (but not to the point of in-productivity). Pretty dresses, DIY projects, future plans, potential vacations... Mostly on Pinterest.com, some around blogs.

I walked b y someone's cube a minute ago and smelled an orange. I just about died. I did not realize I missed oranges, I rarely eat them! Next week, next week...

[namelesswonder]

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiit's link time! Today I thought I'd share some links I'm interested in and blogs I follow, just because I feel like sharing.
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Breaking the Vicious Cycle - The Specific Carbohydrate Diet BAM! Someone posted this elsewhere on the forum. It's essentially primal (since it allows raw/proper dairy) and the focus is on digestive issues. I especially like the legal/illegal list and may use it for reference.

Some general guidelines are, no grains (i.e. rice, wheat, corn, oats, etc.), no processed foods, no starchy vegetables (i.e. potatoes, yams, etc.), no canned vegetables of any kind, no flour, no sugar, no sweeteners other than honey and saccharin, and no milk products except for homemade yogurt fermented for 24 hours, prepared according to the instructions in the book.

Sounds familiar!
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Recently my tolerance for blogs has changed. I stopped following one because she posted about her return to veganism. Now, it's not the veganism in and of itself that turned me off. She discussed it in a very open manner that left out why she goes without meat, but admitted to being a "bad vegan" by eating junk food prior to this return. Just something about the way it was written, even though it seemed pretty okay, struck me the wrong way and I got pissed off and unsubscribed. Admittedly, I think the style of her blog just didn't suit me anyway. She posted pretty things and I like the aesthetics of it all, but it just wasn't "me".
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But on the other hand, we have this blog: Sometimes Sweet and despite her being mostly vegetarian (seems like she eats very little meat), she is open to a reduced grain/wheat-free diet and recently posted about her experience going sugar free after visiting a naturopath. She's promoted some health book before, one that promotes fresh food, no processed food, no sugar...but is still in the whole grain boat (and it was very gimmicky, can't recall what it was). So I'm curious about her switch to relatively grain-free (she mentions it in her most recent post because "why no bread or pasta? They both convert to sugar in your body."). The comments on that particular entry pissed me off a bit because there was a lot of the usual, and I even see this around here, "Oh my god I could NEVER give up sugar, I basically LIVE off of sugar!" Does THAT sound familiar? Yeah, it's the same CW crap about grains, but we do it here too. "Dark chocolate? I could never--" Well fuck you. End your dependency. Take charge of your life and go without for a solid 30 days. Physical or mental, it could be an addiction, and that doesn't make you much better than a druggie, IMO. Sorry, getting off-track and mean, but I feel very intensely about addictive behaviors and making excuses for them. Anyway, I also like this blog because she's an "alternative" young (29) mom with tattoos! Every Tuesday she does a feature of some other person who is heavily tattooed and asks them some questions about their favorite pieces, people's reactions to them, and their life as a tattooed person. I only have one (crappy) tattoo right now, but I have a few more planned and I find "tattoo culture" very interesting and beautiful, no matter the reason for the ink.
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Dear Baby is one I've come close to unfollowing a few times. I relate to the writer, Melissa, in many ways. She is such a sensitive person and the way she writes letters for her children is touching and beautiful. But. I see a lot in her life that I relate to in a NEGATIVE way. I just want to reach out, hug her, and guide her down the primal path. Her youngest child had intense acid-reflux, and apparently still does (5-7 mos old I think?). Based on what little she's mentioned on her nutrition, it doesn't sound like her doctor has recommended she try eliminating certain foods (WHEAT WHEAT WHEAT). Boyfriend's sister's newest babe (now 6 mos old) has had acid reflux also and she finally went on an elimination diet this month to rule out allergies. The more I know about food allergies vs. INTOLERANCES due to intestinal damage (meaning skin tests won't do jack-shit! and even looking for certain anti-bodies may not help), the more I want to shake some sense into these people. But I love the aesthetic of this blog (her fashion intrigues me, though it's not things I would wear) and the way Melissa writes. I really relate to her overly-sensitive nature and it's interesting to read about her excursions into parenthood with her brutal honesty about really not knowing what to do. Parenting is not instinctive, no matter what people say.
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I think that's all for the link-share this week. If I find more blogs or feel like sharing some others that I follow next week, I'll be sure to make an entry for it! I'll post the usual stuff in a bit.

[namelesswonder]

Blog post about fashion. I think I could go more in-depth on my feelings on the subject, but this is all I have for now. Hehe, I look kind of shocked in that photo, I'm not good at "natural" expressions.

Mood/Focus/Brain shizz: Still good! I didn't get irritable in the evening as far as I can recall. I got a bit anxious this morning when my boss called me and projected his own anxiety all over me because he was unprepared for something. I got pissed off and ground gears once as I was leaving my street. I paid more attention to the road after that and the rest of the drive was fine. I don't feel as hyper-aware as I did the other day, but still, everything is looking up. Wouldn't it be funny if I ended up being one of those obnoxiously upbeat people that you just HATE? Funny thing though, I knew someone like that in high school and she was actually fairly depressed. We bonded during our trip to Italy, she admitted to cutting herself at least once, and I told her I'd been doing it for years (and I actually suspected she had because of her response when I asked about the bandage...you became very aware of these things when you've done them yourself). It took many years before I stopped searching people's arms for scars.

Food: I thought I was all chickened out, but just some olive oil, pepper, and sea salt made those drumsticks da bomb. I got the skin to crisp a bit in places, I have three for lunch, and 4 in the freezer (uncooked) that I'll probably defrost for lunches later in the week. Tonight will be homemade fries (SP for me, regular for boyfriend) & burgers. I might make some carrot fries while I have the oven going so I can have those with breakfast or lunch tomorrow. I fucking HATE OUR OVEN. The broiler always smokes, and turns on when the oven is on, which I don't think is right. I have to air out the apartment 1-2 times a week because there's no fan or window over the oven to ventilate so it smokes up the whole place. I guess I'll spray the oven & broiler tonight and try to do something oven-free for dinner tomorrow so I can clean it. Grumble, grumble, grumble... Oh yes, I had a 3-egg omelette with some cut up steak (last of it from last week) in it and on the side. Perfectly filling though I had some hydration hunger pangs mid-morning. I'd like to have something fruity with breakfast (smoothie maybe?) but I'm wary about which fruits are okay for me (low histamine) and I don't think I handle coconut milk well though that would be ideal for the fat in it. One of these days I will get raw milk...

Exercise: Nada. My legs feel like it today (felt like they were getting a good stretch going up the stairs to the office) and I meant to this morning but ran out of time. No pressure. I can manage guilt-free lack of exercise, but can't own up to cheating on my diet. Hrmph. I don't like this all-or-nothing mentality of mine! How do I beat it?

Sleep: I didn't get to bed nearly on time last night. I got caught up in The Dresden Files (seriously fun, like noir sci-fi/fantasy in the modern world with a snarky protagonist Wizard) and tucked my Kindle light away around midnight. Oh well, I still woke up before my alarm! I was definitely tired enough for bed at a reasonable time (before 10pm) so I just need to get my ass into bed-time mode earlier. I am happy I'm not raiding anymore, as I'm taking time to level up new characters in Warcraft, which is fun because there's a lot of new content since I last leveled. But seriously, the reason I stopped was because I wanted to get to bed early so I really need to get on that!

Symptoms: Congestion, no post nasal drip that I've noticed. Some gas this morning (probably from the asparagus last night), but no build-up pain.

[fpsjosh01]

Mood/Focus/Brain shizz: Still good! I didn't get irritable in the evening as far as I can recall.

Isn't it awesome how probiotics help you so much? +9001

I'm really happy for you .

no post nasal drip that I've noticed

Good. It's slowly getting better. Take your time.