Oh, that changes how I was looking at this. So if he knuckled down and just got a bunch of work done, he would be all set because he's almost done. Gosh, that must be incredibly frustrating to try and balance the empathetic, supportive side with the "you really need to get it done" side.
Do you think he has anxiety about actually finishing up school and having to move on to the next phase? One of my sons routinely digs himself giant holes at school, with missing assignments and and hiding from the consequences. He is paying for it this semester because as a freshman in high school, teachers are finally expecting him to meet deadlines. They gave him some 2nd and 3rd chances, then drew the line. So he actually failed a class this semester and got poor grades in another subject. It wasn't until he failed that he took it seriously and it makes me want to rip my hair out, because I've been trying and trying to just have him finish his goddamn homework! There are no issues if you simply pass your assignments in on time. But he has this thing where he goes into total avoidance mode when the hole gets too deep. It's like he just gives up and I'm shouting into the wind and he is giving me lip service to shut me up in return. It's so frustrating because he needs to learn to be responsible for getting things done by himself but I also don't want him to fail.
Last edited by namelesswonder; 03-30-2015 at 07:14 AM.
I move into avoidance mode a lot too. I avoid conflict and I avoid things that stress me out (i.e. people I have strained relationships with, dealing with financial stuff, cleaning my house) so I can understand the logic you speak of. But sometimes, you have to stop ignoring the elephant in the corner or you'll find it's gotten so big it's now sitting on your chest.
It sucks that he got so sick and it sucks that he fell so far behind, but at some point, you have to put on the big kid britches even when you don't want to and take care of your responsibilities. I really hope Hulky can find the strength to pull it together long enough to get everything for school done.
And I hope he does it soon so as not to further stress you out. Hugs to you. The pressure you must be feeling is unfair.
Primal since March 5, 2012
SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)
My favorite quote too. Hang in there girl.
Female issues update - I had another appointment with the gyn today. She said that there aren't any studies that show that probiotic suppositories really do anything, but from her tests today, it does seem to be helping. There were still signs of inflammation under the microscope (white blood cells), but she suggested I stick with this for a couple of weeks, and then taper back and keep at it for a few months to see how it goes. My period is due next week so I'm not sure I'll be able to continue straight through, but I'll use it for as long of a stretch as I can. When swabbing, I had some bad pain inside. I thought she must be scraping my cervix, but she was swabbing the walls. My pelvic floor muscles are a bit tight right now. Hopefully that will go away and is just remnant from the UTI. She knows about my history with physical therapy for weak pelvic floor muscles and is keeping it in mind just in case. Feeling hopeful and hoping I'm not wrong about the probiotic approach. I want to get in two weeks straight and then every other night for a week, then maybe 2-3 times a week and see if the itch stays at bay.
Your counselor is giving you excellent advice. Hulky's reactions are not your fault or your responsibility. To take that further -- his schooling and what he does with it is also not your responsibility. I understand that he needs some help right now because he's in an emotional funk with the depression.......... but you can't do it all for him. Why are you the one talking to the Dean and doing all the legwork in this??? I hope this isn't just terribly insensitive to say.... but............ You are not his mother - and he is not a child! He's a grown man - and if he can function on a daily basis with most everything accept the school issues --- then he needs to buck up and take responsibility with what is happening with his education. He should be talking to the Dean not you. He should be working on how to complete the work and take the incompletes, and he should be doing the research to figure out what to do about the Physics class. And if he chooses NOT to -- then he must also own the consequences.
I understand it would pose a financial burden on the two of you......... but, that's HIS to own as well. I just think you're taking on WAY to much of this. Its unfortunate that he got sick and missed so much school - but now its time to take care of business and figure out what to do about it.
I apologize if I've been rude or harsh....... but I think you're taking way too much on yourself and that's allowing him to avoid doing it himself.
Tonight, I'm dragging the small area rug out of the bedroom where Snuggle Pumpkin is living, so it can be vacuumed for fleas. I guess we'll leave it out for now so it doesn't get re-infested (if it is now) somehow.
Last edited by namelesswonder; 03-30-2015 at 07:15 AM.
I can hear the desperation in what you're saying. You feel that if you don't ACT then nothing will happen. But - it isn't your job or your responsibility to take care of this for him. He needs to take care of it himself. He's a grown man, not a child who needs to have his hand held.
And what IF nothing happens? He won't finish school? Well, that's his problem. He'll have to figure out how to find a job without a degree. Its not his fault that he got sick......... but it is his responsibility to take care of business now that he's well.
As for talking about this with him...... just remember the "I" statements. I feel.......... Let him know his inaction is causing you stress and anxiety.
Okay........ now I'm going to talk to you from the point of view of the "older woman". I don't mean this to be condescending - but as a older woman who's been married my entire adult life I guess I've learned a thing or two. So............ Don't mother your husband. If you get into the pattern of being his caretaker you will set the stage for the lifetime of doing for him. Eventually you will grow to resent this position. And you will lose respect for him as a man. Let him be a man by stepping back and forcing him to handle this on his own. Let him do this himself. Just step back and say........ This is yours and you have to figure it out, but I'm here to help if you need to talk about stuff.
You have your own stuff to take care of.
I agree with tomi. He has to step up or every time he comes up against something he doesn't want to deal
With you will own it. I've dealt with this with several people in my life.
You just have to suck it up, sit back and watch them pass or fail. Unfortunately the financial consequences are yours to bear as well but it sounds like one way or the other you are likely gonna end up paying. Lighten your load, let him deal with it, being an adult is hard sometimes this seems like something he can handle but why if you are going to
Sent from my iPhone using Marks Daily Apple Forum
I find your lack of bacon disturbing.
I've been dabbling with wheat on and off lately, but I'm back to gluten-free for the time being. I'm sure that will be best for my own health & moods. I haven't been taking any supplements in the AM lately except for Allegra & Flonase for allergies. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't having any odd ill effects from the Vit D, Vit K, or aspirin. I also haven't been taking the thyroid supplement. I found that it started making me feel anxious when I'd take it midday. I think it works better for me now in the evening, but I'm taking a break from it for now. I'm just trying cut down on my supplements to get a better idea of how my body is doing. I don't feel any of the usual issues with Vit D deficiency (moodiness on overcast days), so I think my blood serum levels are finally okay.
It's chilly this week, after the heatwave last week and on Monday. We turned the heat off and the house got down to 54°F last night (temps in the 30s outside overnight). It's supposed to start warming up again and get into the 60's during the day, so I hope to keep the heat off from here on out. I should be able to go cycling this weekend and I'm still fairly certain I can start commuting by bike next week.
I am so anxious about the certification exam (first is next Monday). I'm having some trouble with avoidance of scary problems of my own! I didn't get any studying done yesterday because I was too stressed about Hulky's stuff. Now it's all on me. No TV tonight, I have to study.
Last edited by namelesswonder; 03-30-2015 at 07:15 AM.