I usually just lurk in your journal but your last few post are especially profound. What you said is what I tried to convey yesterday but not as well, especially after getting too emotional about it. Being thin isn't a magic doorway to happiness, you have to be happy before you step through it.
I get what you're saying. I've held that same thinking in my day. I'm a perfectionist. It took me a long time to realize that and realize it was holding me back. If I had a training plan for a particular run, I had to run every single time it told me to, for the exact distance and pace and I could not, absolutely COULD NOT deviate from that plan. Additionally, perfectionism is holding me back from getting things accomplished at home that I want to accomplish - mostly b/c it'll take a great deal of time to accomplish them, which would leave work undone, which does not sit well with my perfectionist mind. It's part of the reason I am not any closer to getting those things done b/c in my mind if I can't finish what I start without having to walk away for a night, couple nights, or Gawd forbid, a week, why even start? This perfectionism comes through to my body image too. While I notice the improvements my body is making (there are many), I also notice the work I still have to do, and that work I still have to do is what holds me back from being happy with where I am now. I'm very proud of the 55 lbs I lost these last two years, but at the same time, I'm impatiently tapping my foot regarding the other 20-35 lbs that still need to. This seems like a good thing to talk about in my own journal and could maybe become a great New Year's Goal - setting perfectionism aside and doing what I can now and worrying about the rest later... Oy, that would be hard and would need constant reminders!
Thanks for the thought process. I will be formulating a journal post from all this.
Primal since March 5, 2012
SW: 221 | CW: 182 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)
I learned the hard way that a "perfect" body means jack squat if you aren't mentally there. I know, logically, that my body is the one many would kill to have. Heck, even my body at my heaviest is one others have striven for. I was rarely happy with it. I could always find something to nitpick about.
Being with an ex took me a long way towards loving myself. Another ex stripped that away. Scratch that. I allowed him to strip that away. Being with Geek and his clan took me further toward loving myself than I had even been since before middle school. Seeing that they loved me as I am and encouraged me to quit with the negative self talk, seeing that Geek loved me and found me desirable at any point in my weight journey was another huge step. I think the biggest one and the breakthrough I needed was Al- Anon and healing through believing I AM worth the healing, my own love, and it is extremely difficult to grok and agape someone before I love myself.
"No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
My Primal Battle Tome
And this is why I missed your updates. I have poor body and other issues that I can't really blame on exes, but they certainly didn't help. Being single and actually enjoying it has been one of the most freeing things to happen in my life. I think everyone probably thinks I'm nuts when I say I'd rather have pets than kids, but it's no more crazy than facebook drama. Now if only I can figure out how to get that feeling in other parts of my life...
And maybe who puts up with my "picky" eating hehe.
Maybe I am lucky that I got Hulky wrapped around my finger before my eating habits changed Despite having a somewhat more restrictive diet than ever, he is the most accepting of it now. He questions most of my choices (which is good for me, gotta make sure I know why I'm doing what I'm doing), but is careful to find me things w/o soybean oil . He has probably just been witness to my grumpitude enough to realize I'm not kidding about painful joints.