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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 574

  1. #5731
    Liquid Gusto's Avatar
    Liquid Gusto is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    I haven't read your full journal... I just saw where you said you think your S.O. doesn't quite get it and wanted to say it is okay for you to expect him to work really hard to get it. For all I know, he already does this!

    My fiancÚ has a pretty severe anxiety disorder. I think in order for the relationship to be as healthy as possible, it really takes effort on the part of the partner w.o. the anxiety to understand what the experience of anxiety is like. The person with anxiety can't be expected to make all the effort to help the relationship work.

    For example, if we are having a disagreement, I'm the type of person who wants to hash it all out ASAP and once it is resolved and an understanding is reached, I can just do whatever, pop right back to my pre-argument self. It took some time to understand he doesn't have this luxury. At first, I thought him not wanting to talk it out right away until it is resolved was him not caring enough or just being sick of arguing. I thought him being disengaged for hours after we had hugged and made up was possibly pouting, punishing, or... really I had no idea, but I knew I felt hurt by it. I talked to him a lot about what to do in those moments. I also read blogs to understand more of what it is like to have anxiety. I'd talk to him about what I read and ask how it compared to his experience of anxiety. I realized it's hard for him to talk about things in the heat of the moment because his body is telling him there is an imminent threat. It'd be like asking me to hash out a disagreement seconds after I just got into a car crash. No one would expect me to be able to do that! I now see if after the argument starts, if we take a break from each other for an agreed upon amount of time, when we get back together to talk, things go much smoother because he can think more clearly and express himself more easily. So, while I still really dislike how we have to take a break during arguments (I think it often makes them seem more significant than they are), and I sometimes think he is asking for a break just because he is sick of listening to me (LOL)... its just part of the deal and we both need to continually make an effort and be mindful of his anxiety in order to make things work.

    Wow, that got long winded. Sorry.

  2. #5732
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Here's another perspective:
    I, too, have been diagnosed with a whole host of mental illnesses (anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a handful of others.) Most of it stems from an abusive/ neglected childhood. From my perspective, taking care of whatever it is immediately is a nonstarter. It can't happen. I'm still in survival mode. I need time to get out of that mode before I can talk out whatever went wrong. I need time to cool down, relax, and come back to earth. There are still triggers (even someone else's physical motions) that can set me into panic mode. I'm much better than I used to be, but I still have a long way to go.
    Geek has learned my triggers. Those close to me have figured out the things that cause me to shut down and how to avoid them. I don't mean "shut down" in autistic terms. I mean it in terms of emotional shut down, nothing in or out until I'm able to get it off my mind. Until I can parse what happened or get it off my mind, I get disturbingly emotionless. After a while, most folks will pick up the bare bones (oh, shit, if I bring that up, Naiad goes all weird.)
    After a while, most marriages/ long term relationships pick up the threads of how the other works. If both have mental issues, it can and often does take longer, because you're learning each other's screwy responses, as well as what the healthy one is. Couple's therapy is a blessing here.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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  3. #5733
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    namelesswonder is offline Moderator
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    Hey Liquid Gusto! Thanks for dropping by. What you described is exactly how it is for me and Hulky. I am the one that feels the threat & Hulky is the one that can generally drop out of argument mode in an instant. I think it helped a lot when my therapist explained that it feels like I am being attacked when nothing happens. Her comparison was getting attacked by a bear may produce the same physical response in your body as hearing your partner say they want to end the relationship, out of the blue. Your life isn’t REALLY going to end, but it feels that way! He said that it was really helpful to have someone else explain it. I know I don’t do the best job. I’ll probably see if I can find anything for him to read, but it may be that having the therapist explain things from time to time will be enough for him to understand what he needs to do. I’m glad to hear you have found something that works for your fiancÚ and you .

    NK, I think having Hulky understand why I need time to calm down & think about it (because of “flight mode” in my brain) will be key here. It still drives me crazy sometimes that there’s no particular reason why I am the way I am except for neurochemistry. I experience “shut down” too. For me, during those times, I am exhausted, I can’t think straight, and I become physically hypersensitive. I just need time to recuperate or direct my brain onto something specific. I think Hulky does have mental issues, but then again, I think most people do. I think that as people get to know him deeper (and most of our friends don’t even know him this way), they might think he is somewhat uncaring except when it comes to me. He is a very reflexive person. I think that he has plenty of feelings, he just hasn’t been taught to recognize them and avoids it because they are scary. I was very happy (and told him so!) that he felt comfortable at the therapy session & shared something very helpful for both of us. It was actually the perfect example to use to start us off.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  4. #5734
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    Eeep, just one week until my two-day Christmas break! I think all of my orders have arrived, so I’ll be getting the holiday cards out soon and asking Hulky to drop those and the wedding photo books off at the post office. Packaging those up sounds like something to do tonight.

    We made tuna casserole for dinner last night, mine gluten-free (rice pasta & gluten-free cream of mushroom soup). I have definitely gained weight recently, but I really do not mind except that my pants aren’t fitting well. The pants I bought over the summer, which fit well at the time due to bicycling-thighs, didn’t fit earlier this fall, but fit okay now (just a little too loose as opposed to swimming in them). My boobs have definitely gotten bigger (Hulky loves this). My shape is nice, IMO. I just don’t want to buy new pants!

    Breakfast this AM was some cube steak. Not a lot of food, but at least it was some real solid food. Tomorrow, I’ll have chicken drumsticks or the rest of the cube steak. The tuna casserole is my lunch for the next few days. I just need to get more clementines & bananas.

    My abs are still sore from shoveling so I think my yoga session will wait until Wednesday, just making it weekly for now. As long as I can make it a weekly habit, I will consider that good. It’s supposed to snow today and I’m worried that Hulky won’t be able to shovel at all. His back is still not in a good way from shoveling on Sunday, so he can’t even throw down the Ice Melt (the bucket is too heavy for him to handle on his own). Our only option will be to do it together in the dark, tonight. That sounds suggestive hehe.

    I had trouble staying asleep last night. I’m going to stay at 50 mg of 5-HTP for now (taking it at 5 PM), but will try Theanine Serene tonight (at 7 PM).

    I really do think the potato starch is helping my digestion! I’ll hold off on details until I’m a few weeks into this experiment. If this works out well, I’ll be singing high praises of resistant starch.

    TMI – my female issues are still a problem. The prescription treatment helped, but the symptoms were back the day after the last dose. It is undoubtedly going to get worse once I get my period. I left a message at the nurses’ station at my doctor’s office, hoping to get some input about some OTC treatments I want to try. This is definitely not helping my sex drive.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  5. #5735
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    Oh good news!
    -Hulky got me a new computer mouse for Christmas. He didn't want to wait to give it to me . We're terrible with this! Anyway, it's a Razer DeathAdder Black to replace the old style DeathAdder that I got from him when he upgraded to another Razer mouse. It fits my hands much better and is nice & smooth. This probably means nothing to anyone who doesn't have an appreciation for computer peripherals esp. in relation to gaming... hahaha Just know that I love it!

    -Coach approved a second cat . Hulky has claimed final say, which is fine. This cat is more for him than for me (since Fae is still very much "my" cat), but we are getting it together so I want at least SOME say. I think my input will come from the more rational side of "Does this cat get along with other cats?" "Does this cat have any long-term illness/maintenance required outside of the usual?" He already knows what he wants to name it and he wants to get a boy cat. For a playful cat, that is probably the best idea. He said we'll have to wait until January for the $$. We're talking logistics about how to enforce some initial separation so Fae and the new cat can get used to each other's scents. Our apartment has enough doors between rooms that we can make it work, but Fae is going to be VERY whiny about being alone.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  6. #5736
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Oh good news!
    -Hulky got me a new computer mouse for Christmas. He didn't want to wait to give it to me . We're terrible with this! Anyway, it's a Razer DeathAdder Black to replace the old style DeathAdder that I got from him when he upgraded to another Razer mouse. It fits my hands much better and is nice & smooth. This probably means nothing to anyone who doesn't have an appreciation for computer peripherals esp. in relation to gaming... hahaha Just know that I love it!

    Dang, that is a sexy mouse. I've been contemplating a new gaming mouse myself lately but can't justify it. Tell Hulky he's done well

    Yay on the second cat. I hope you find one you both like that also gets along with Fae.
    somehow I manage to leave my intelligence and decorum at the door wherever I go. I doubt your journal will be an exception to that - not on the rug

    What the F&#* is a decorum? - Mr. Anthony

  7. #5737
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    Justiffyyy iittttttt



    I'd never had a good mouse before I met Hulky. He's more of an intense gamer than I am though, I am very casual. He tried a few different kinds and I inherited his DeathAdder when he got the Naga. Keep an eye out for woot.com deals, Razer shows up periodically and you can get them for about 50% off (sometimes refurbished, but I have never had an issue with that...except my Ninja blender, which I think is attacking the sides of the pitcher w/ its blades of death). Anyway, a good scroller and two side buttons are around for me. My thumb would get too tired with any other side buttons. I would LOVE a better keyboard though. I like the size of a full keyboard with number pad, but the tactile response of most laptop keyboards.

    Hulky has also threatened to get me Snuggie because I complain about being cold all the time (and mentioned this a few times). It would be a good joke gift because I would honestly use it!
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  8. #5738
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Justiffyyy iittttttt



    I'd never had a good mouse before I met Hulky. He's more of an intense gamer than I am though, I am very casual. He tried a few different kinds and I inherited his DeathAdder when he got the Naga. Keep an eye out for woot.com deals, Razer shows up periodically and you can get them for about 50% off (sometimes refurbished, but I have never had an issue with that...except my Ninja blender, which I think is attacking the sides of the pitcher w/ its blades of death). Anyway, a good scroller and two side buttons are around for me. My thumb would get too tired with any other side buttons. I would LOVE a better keyboard though. I like the size of a full keyboard with number pad, but the tactile response of most laptop keyboards.

    Hulky has also threatened to get me Snuggie because I complain about being cold all the time (and mentioned this a few times). It would be a good joke gift because I would honestly use it!


    LOL Oh, I hear you, and if I was still playing WoW I would. I always wanted a mouse with a ton of buttons to avoid having to hit the keyboard. It would have made raid healing so much easier and cut some delay to up my dps. That said, I'm doing more console gaming lately so there really is not justification beyond "but it is soooo cool." As such, I'll just live vicariously through your mouse purchases

    Good luck finding a decent keyboard. I tend to go as cheap as possible since it is a matter of time until I spill coffee on it. Back in the day I used to break about 2 keyboards a month hammering buttons on my rogue (yes, the harder you hit the button the moar dps you do. Scientific fact...trust me, I'm a rogue.)
    somehow I manage to leave my intelligence and decorum at the door wherever I go. I doubt your journal will be an exception to that - not on the rug

    What the F&#* is a decorum? - Mr. Anthony

  9. #5739
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    First keyboard I bought for myself (my dad gave me one with my first desktop built with him in college, it was SO LOUD AND CLUNKY, tiring to type on) was just a wireless thing by Logitech. Probably cheap enough. I think that died abruptly and we got the only wired keyboard we could find at Best Buy for $20. It works, but I like being able to press the buttons just a little easier. Dell actually has some really nice ones that they distribute w/ their desktops, though I'm sure they're not cheap.

    I'm glad you don't work in my office w/ that coffee spilling & keyboard hammering . You would drive me crazy(er). Some of the development guys (software engineers) in my office are keyboard smashers when things are slow and it makes me cringe.

    Hulky's performance as his favorite toon in WoW, a human death knight tank, really improved w/ the Naga key bindings. IMO, he was a pretty good tank to begin with, but I'm an awful gamer .
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  10. #5740
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    I'm glad you don't work in my office w/ that coffee spilling & keyboard hammering . You would drive me crazy(er). Some of the development guys (software engineers) in my office are keyboard smashers when things are slow and it makes me cringe.

    Hulky's performance as his favorite toon in WoW, a human death knight tank, really improved w/ the Naga key bindings. IMO, he was a pretty good tank to begin with, but I'm an awful gamer .
    Oh, I only hammer when gaming, though if you allow gaming in the office I'll move right now.

    Yeah, the key bindings are supposed to be great for helping with whatever you particular skill set is. That and a good tank is a blessing. Believe me, I was f*cked by poor tanking on many occasions as a rogue and a healer. Though this human thing...smells of Alliance. <---I am disappoint.
    somehow I manage to leave my intelligence and decorum at the door wherever I go. I doubt your journal will be an exception to that - not on the rug

    What the F&#* is a decorum? - Mr. Anthony

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