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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 545

  1. #5441
    namelesswonder's Avatar
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    Hulky agrees that we need to figure out a way to manage Chip at least when it comes to our home, but we don't know what to do. If he doesn't drink here, we probably won't hang out with him. If he does drink here, once he's drinking, there's no way we'd be able to keep him to stick to x # of drinks or "get out by midnight". Unfortunately, he does not turn into a pumpkin. He also doesn't like to hang out with us outside the house too much because he feels like a third wheel, so I guess we're just stuck for now. I don't particularly want to hang with him anytime soon anyway.

    SIL went into labor last night and delivered another beautiful baby boy! Sounds like everyone is healthy. I don't think he has a name yet (got me thinking about what name I would choose...Probably something with Walter). I hope we can see him this weekend!

    Sleep - I was really dragging this morning. I'm going to have to start scheduling sex or aiming for bed at 10 instead of 10:30 so I can get to sleep on time!

    Food - I didn't finish yesterday's food log because I barely ate and I ate graham crackers for dinner. Seems like drinking always throws my food plans/resolutions off for a few days. I didn't eat breakfast because of my fatigue, just took AM supplements & had a glass of apple cider w/ collagen hydrosylate. I only have some fruit for lunch, but may go out to get something at the store. Pre-flavored cottage cheese isn't ideal, but it's convenient...

    An interesting observation on increasing fruit & sugar in my diet - I'm not getting acne. It seems like that is mostly a response I get to PUFA's and possibly wheat. Sugar alone does not seem to be an issue.

    I'm slacking on the neti pot use, as usual, and could really use it today. It was very dry last night and my nostrils felt uncomfortable upon waking. We're entering into nosebleed season so I really need to be using it.

    I've got some kind of rash from my period, I think. First time that has ever happened. I really hope it goes away soon because it's incredibly irritating . I think I'll try some ACV on it...

    BM - Type 1 after work yesterday and then type 4 in the evening. Type 4/5 mid-morning today.
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 10-29-2013 at 02:47 PM.
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  2. #5442
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    I feel a ramble coming on, but not sure what I'm writing about yet.
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  3. #5443
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    I have been rambling HARD all week all over the internet on whatever topic I happen to be on at the moment. I am not usually this social, and I sense spontaneous withdrawal from social media soon. Hopefully I'll do it by myself and not because the army got busy.

  4. #5444
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    Part 1.

    I think I've written about J before, but I wanted to record the whole story. "For posterity." I don't know what got me thinking about this part of my life recently. I think it's from Venus visiting. She knows practically everything about me from how we met (on my Yahoo support group for teens dealing with self-injury) and I probably wrote about all this stuff on there. We also talk about it on occasion and it's nice to have it be "no big deal". Just another part of my history. To tell this to people who don't know the story yet usually brings up responses of shock and while that's not unexpected or necessarily unwelcome, it feels better to just have acceptance. Most of the time, it feels like this happened in someone else's life. The memories feel faded, like old photographs, or video clips filled with static.

    Trigger warnings: self-injury, suicide attempt(s), and very bad depression

    In 2004, I was severely depressed. I was cutting myself regularly, in secret. My parents found out in February. I was active with photography & poetry (and some prose) on DeviantART.com at the time and at some point, a user found me and started commenting on my work. We starting chatting through the note system on the site and then through AIM. J lived in Texas and was two years older than me, which seems like a big difference, and can be, when you're fifteen years old. Of all the things that come and go, I haven't been able to forget that our "anniversary" was April 22nd. I remember feeling excited and wondering how someone could care for me like that from our interactions, which felt somehow limited. It was both the reality of an online relationship and the limit of my ability to feel because of the depression. I remember he asked me out on AIM. I was in my bedroom on my dad's laptop. I didn't have my own computer yet. During this time, my best friend L and J's best friend Z started chatting too and they also began a relationship.

    J was also depressed. It was difficult to have a relationship in secret, long distance. I used a phone card and called him late at night from my parents' house, thinking that would mask the destination of the call. L was able to use her cellphone sometimes and we'd share it to talk to our boys. June 1st, I had my suicide attempt and asked L to pass on the word that I needed to be single. L, to Z, to J. I didn't miss him. I was wrapped up in my own world. I thought I would recover. I promised not to cut anymore and I thought I never would again. In August, I broke that promise. My parents banned me from going online that summer after my sister told them about the online relationship, but I used the internet at L's house sometimes. J to Z to L, I found out that J still loved me. I wonder now if he really did love me, or if it was some kind of infatuation. How much could we have really loved each other, as depressed as we were? I think the inherent danger of the whole situation was very appealing to my depressed, hopeless romantic brain. I spoke to him on the phone and agreed to get back together. We continued our covert relationship w/ late night phone calls through L's phone (she had a friend in Texas she used as cover for the phone calls) and online through L's computer & computers at school. Online relationships or meeting people from online was pretty taboo at that time and the few school friends that knew about it were shocked.

    Z started planning a trip up to see L for the first time. I can't remember when this was. I went with her and slept on the floor in the hotel room while they fooled around. I remember feeling really upset, maybe just really lonely. In November, Z planned another trip. He said that J was coming, that he could cover J's travel costs and then, last second, J couldn't make it for some reason. I was disappointed, but suspicious. A friend dropped us off. When we got to the hotel, the receptionist mentioned a man in an army fatigue jacket, which is something J wore. In the hotel room, I poked around and found some things hidden under the second bed. L climbed into bed with Z and I answered the knock at the door. J was standing off to the side, wearing a black knitted beanie and the army fatigue jacket. I opened the door and ran off to the other bed, hiding under the blankets. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with nerves. He sat in the chair next to the bed and I crawled out after a few minutes and into his lap. I felt bold. This was not the kind of touch I had ever experienced with anyone. I wanted to do this, but I felt lost. He held me gently and we whispered and talked. We eventually got into bed and kept whispering and talking. I don't remember the sound of his voice anymore, but he had an accent, not too strong. It seemed friendly to me. He asked if I would kiss him and I remember I appreciated that he asked, but I felt so clueless, I wanted him to initiate so I didn't have to fumble. We only kissed a couple of times that weekend, but both times was too much tongue and I didn't want to kiss him anymore! I had hoped my first kiss would be gentler, just lips maybe, or just to start out with. I had my hair up in bobby pins. I think I still had braces, but they might have come off not long before we met. He took the bobby pins out of my hair and I ended up leaving them at the hotel.

    At some point, we went for a walk around the hotel and outside. I remember he gave me a piggy back ride. I felt shy to look at him. I marveled in how much taller than me he was at 6'2". I felt like I was living out a story, some kind of sad modern fairy tale, but it didn't feel real. I remember that we found a little stream by the hotel and he caught me when I almost fell in. I felt foolish and clumsy and I think he thought I was his YA fiction heroine. I felt idolized and not really in a good way.

    The next day, we met up at the mall close to their hotel. L got a t-shirt and a Neo Geo Pocket Color from Z with a game in it (can't remember what it was now). J gave me a "mix" cd, with one song. Smashing Pumpkins "Beautiful". He also gave me a long-sleeve shirt that he liked to wear and a black cashmere scarf. I slept in the shirt & wore the scarf whenever possible. I listened to that cd over and over in my Walkman, to and from school. During study hall. Trying to sleep. I still love the song, but it's also ruined for me. I can't listen to Smashing Pumpkins or A Perfect Circle without feeling depressed because it was music that he listened to and that I listened to because of him. It's a response I can't help. When we parted with the boys at the mall, I almost missed the bus while hugging him goodbye. I don't remember what we did at the mall with them, but I do remember ending up on a bench in the loading dock area with J. I think we just talked. Maybe we smoked cigarettes. I know I was smoking occasionally (a cigarette now and then) that year, but I'm not sure if I did with him or if that was all after.

    {cont in next post}
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  5. #5445
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    Part 2.


    Z and L broke up sometime that Fall, I think. Z basically admitted that he had another personality and it came out and freaked L out. Z was still willing to help J and I keep in touch. I remember calling J's house once and his dad answered. He said J was out or asleep and I asked if he'd let J know that I called. He recognized my name from J talking about me and gave J the phone. I guess J didn't want to be bothered by anyone but me. I had no idea what J's life was like, I couldn't imagine it. He didn't have many pictures to send me, but I sent him plenty & kept uploading to my deviantART page. He would tell me about going for walks all night long to keep the demons at bay. He wore leather pants sometimes. He went to parties and drank sometimes. He woke up shirtless once and found other people around him and didn't know what happened. He once came out of a bad episode of depression to find himself on a chair, trying to get a rope around the ceiling fan and his neck. He cut himself a little. I don't remember if I kept him apprised of my self-injury. He knew about it, but I don't think I told him when I was doing it. I don't think he ever saw my cuts, but there were more after him than before him anyway.

    Christmas and New Year's came and went. He was getting harder to keep in touch with. I don't remember if he was still in high school or if he was working somewhere (he would have been 18 at that point). I felt like everything was one-sided, like I was putting out a lot of effort to have this relationship, but he was not reciprocating. In February of 2005, I was visiting my sister at her school in Maryland. I logged onto dA from my aunt's computer and sent him a message, ending it. He sent me some self-deprecating response, but accepted it. I cut 10 lines into my thigh for 10 months wasted "with" him, though not counting the couple of months that we split, it technically was only 8 months. The scars are still there, albeit somewhat faded. I remember that he knew about all the tattoos I wanted (none of which I have gotten or will get) and the piercings (I did get my eyebrow pierced).

    Over the years, he would message me on and off. Sometimes he was drunk. He still loved me. I made another dA account, but still logged in to check the old one sometimes. L and I still checked Z and J's pages for activity sometimes. J found my new account and then when I made another, he found that too. The last time I had any "contact" from him was when L and Z reconnected a few years ago. She was having some doubts about her engagement and found him on Facebook. They chatted and she ultimately found he hadn't changed, but pulled the "still have feelings for you card". He has a kid now. He's married. His wife went a bit psycho and L had to block her to stop the messages. Not L's fault that Z is a twisted person and tried to deceive his wife. Z said that J is living in AZ with a guy (someone I remember hearing about, a friend that he was kind of into), but would drop everything if he could be with me again. Still. It had been at least 6 years since we broke up. I think I was living with Hulky in his parents' attic then. Hulky knows all of this stuff (though probably not the finer details of the relationship as I talked about here) and was not phased. I had a hard time explaining to him how it was scary to me. I think Hulky was pretty comfortable with the idea that J would likely never come here (something I was afraid of, for no real reason) and that he couldn't do any harm from afar. I found the guy's Facebook page and saw a picture of him in J's army fatigue jacket. I don't remember his last name now.

    I still check their dA pages from time to time, but there's no real information there. J stopped updating anything on his a long time ago, before we even broke up. I still have my 3rd deviantART page. J had commented on one old poem (one from around the time we "met") several years back. I am still not sure what to do with that account. I've backed up all the poems & prose. I have all the photos on my computer. There's nothing really there for me anymore. I will probably just delete it soon, like I did with my old accounts. No looking back. One more thing that I can make a clean break with.

    So. That's my weird teenage romance story.
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  6. #5446
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    ((Hugs)) It was really brave of you to share that.
    Maybe one day I'll share some of my dating stories from way back when. I could share the ones about P or J, those are safely boring. The ones of Stalker, MSBoy, and De Sade are stories for another day.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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  7. #5447
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    Closure is a foreign concept to me. Or it was for a long time. Sometime within the last couple of years, I suddenly just felt BETTER about all of this. I didn't feel afraid of this ghost of J anymore. I felt safe. Since then, I haven't felt weird about talking about this chapter of my life. It's kind of a funny story to me. Despite all that, I feel like it needs to come out. I have more stories that I want to process that might be written up sometime soon. They're mostly about my brief stint at the mental hospital though, so I'm not sure if I want to post them here. I might put it on my tumblr & just leave a link here.

    Hallowe'en is the witches new year. Maybe I am looking for a fresh start. This year has been a good one and I want another.
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  8. #5448
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    Some other thoughts on this: The scars on my thigh are so unnoticeable to others, but one of many that I hope to cover with tattoos someday. I think I'd like a sunflower there, but I'd like it to be part of a larger piece.

    I realized that Chip reminds me a bit of J. I think I'll talk to Hulky about this esp. regarding my discomfort with having to "deal" with Chip solo, if Hulky gets too drunk and has gone to bed. It's only happened a few times, but it has made a strong impression. I feel paralyzed by fear of what he might do to himself, but I never really fear for my own safety.

    On a somewhat funny note: at the party, when Chip was convinced that Hulky was moments away from a meltdown and insisting that I just encourage a good time and let Hulky drink more (after he came back inside), Chip showed me some real loyalty. It was weirdly sweet. He said if shit ever went down, he would go outside and fight his brother, probably lose (it's true, but I had to try hard not to laugh in his face), but do whatever he could to make sure we were safe. He told me I can always call if I need back-up. I think it's more likely that I'd call their dad if I ever needed help, however unlikely that may be, but I appreciated it anyway. They are an odd bunch of boys with all their own odd histories.

    Part of why I was so willing to take Hulky's last name (and become Mrs. "Hulky" ) is because of how safe I feel as part of his family. My family was never neglectful in any way that I can really think of or explain, but I feel like I have missing pieces with his family. They are incredibly supportive. I think they seem more supportive to me because they are so NOT passive, not like my family. They love and support and fight without reservation. I am still a part of my family and that name is still a part of me even if it is not on any documents and I feel very good about my choice.
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  9. #5449
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    *Hugs* thanks for sharing your story. It's a difficult thing to do.

  10. #5450
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    Thanks for the love. I think I may have more stories this week, but I'm not sure which ones yet. The ones that are coming to mind are really key stories to my history, I think. They are defining stories. They are things I usually share with people that I feel very close or safe with. My MDA journal is a little safe haven for my brain and I like to know that you guys are out there, kind of taking care of my brain crap whether you read it or not . I think I am in a good place to start analyzing these stories and really find out what they mean to me and why.

    If you want a holiday card from the Hulkys this year, PM me with your address! I'll ask again later, but I got thinking about it yesterday and want to start compiling my address list soon. I can probably afford to send a couple of letters overseas too. If I can get the wedding photos (the friend who took them said to keep bugging him in the evenings & he'll upload them to Dropbox for me), I may use one for a custom card.

    Drama - Okay, not exactly drama. If anyone has some insight on this, please do share. So the friend that came back into my life, lets call him N. He's staying with a friend of his for now, but spends all day looking for jobs and it's only been a few weeks that he's been back here (maybe a month). No job yet. He has three interviews today and he's interviewed elsewhere already, including at my office. Who knows when they might get back to him, however, as they mentioned bringing people in for second interviews at some point and he was the first to interview for the position! Anyway, his friend had hoped to see him "on his feet" with a job by Halloween, but that hasn't happened yet. N is not sure how much longer he can stay with this friend and asked if he could stay with me and Hulky while he gets a job/finds a place. We have the space and N said his family could pay for his groceries, so that's not an issue (and that he'd pitch in to rent or whatever once he gets a job, but I don't think I'd want him to so he can put that towards an apartment instead). It's a very awkward position for him to be in and to put us in (which he is aware of). I want to be there for him. I'd love to be the kind of friend that people can fall back on like this. Hulky said he'd ask Coach (landlord) because he ultimately has the final say. I think Coach would probably set a time limit on this, but if he doesn't, how can I say "you can only stay here for this long"? How do you enforce that? This has the real potential put strain on our friendship and I don't know how to say no without doing that as well. I said we'd call back tonight.

    Sleep - I got to bed early last night. I wore clothes to bed because I've been cold lately (but Hulky was back to his usual furnace-self). I slept well, but still snoozed in the morning. I think it's just an unfortunate consequence of the light levels these days. I'm taking Vit D/K, around 5000 IU for D every morning. Hopefully another night of early bedtime will have me feeling a little more energetic.

    BM - Type 4 last night before bed.

    Food - I had some chocolate last night. Cocoa powder doesn't seem to bother me, but chocolate does. I wonder why. I also had chocolate milk that Hulky picked up. I thought it was really cute that he went to Whole Foods for me last week & got himself some chocolate milk from a local farm. It's expensive, but VERY good. C's family used to have it delivered to their house in glass jugs.

    Today
    -hot milk drink w/ gelatin (supps were slippery elm powder, Vit E, Vit D/K, iodine, niacinamide, biotin, l-glutamine), forgot the prunes!
    -

    Tonight, I have my gut massage appointment. After dinner, I need to decide if I'm going to go out to look for some cheap red shoes or wear something else with my "costume" to work tomorrow. I also need to get more candy for my ghost buddy today.

    New blog post: Nameless Wonders: What bicycling did for me
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