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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 544

  1. #5431
    namelesswonder's Avatar
    namelesswonder is online now Moderator
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    Primal Fuel
    I was just realizing how nice it was to get out of my head this weekend. I got to talk to a bunch of people and I think I really needed that after feeling so cooped up with Hulky being sick. I really wish I'd gotten to bed early last night though, I'm so tired today. I hope my sleep improves this week. I won't be taking any sleep aids.

    Mustang - Hulky is going to fetch it from his parents' house soon. His dad needs to clear out some junk from inside, but hopefully I can do some cleaning in there and get the back seat re-installed. I'm fairly certain it would pass inspection now esp. since it is exempt from emissions testing. Perhaps Hulky can take care of that this week. We should probably scope out some snow tires this winter, but getting some for the Civic is more of a priority, since ideally the Mustang would not be going anywhere (rear wheel drive in snow = scary driving).

    Primal things....

    BM - Nothing Saturday (didn't eat much). Type 5 Sunday morning.

    Body - My right leg is all tight after this weekend. I think it's a combination of poor eating & not doing squats. Back at it today!

    Food - The leftover chili my mom made got mixed into the pasta dish too well to be separated So Hulky has lunch for the rest of the week and I do not. I didn't want to have to buy more groceries until after the 31st, but I guess it doesn't really matter when I buy it as long as I have the money (it just means I technically went well over my grocery budget for the month). I'll have to go get something at the store during my lunch break today, as all I have is an apple and orange. Argh, I forgot that someone brought by a caramel apple last night! I could've taken that

    I think I have to give up cow's milk again. I can tell I'm more congested with it, though it doesn't seem to bother my gut anymore. I'll finish off this container and then go back to goat milk, despite the price. I guess that means no cottage cheese for lunch, but I wouldn't want to eat it without honey anyway.

    I got some Knox gelatin over the weekend and it isn't mixing well into hot milk. I guess I'll have to try letting it "bloom" in cool water first and then mix it into the hot drink?

    Today's food
    -3 eggs over messy in bacon grease w/ glass of apple cider (collagen hydrosylate, slippery elm powder, iodine, Vit E, Vit D/K, biotin, niacinamide)
    -apple
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 10-28-2013 at 07:24 AM.
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  2. #5432
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    Just a little gushing: I know Hulky is the man for me, but it feels really good when people tell us how great we are together . There was a lot of that at the party, from both friends and family. I don't really subscribe to the concept of "the one", but he is definitely a great match for me.

    I'm writing the following since I'm not in therapy right now and I want to get it out of my head. Any insight is welcome, though I hesitate to write that because I'm not sure how well I can really explain this whole situation & how I feel about it in regards to Hulky and his secrets.

    Drama at the party: I was chatting with a couple of people in the bedroom, keeping the cat company (she was freaked out by all the people, but came out for pets while we were in there with the door closed). C came in at one point and said that Hulky was not in a good head space, but he was keeping it under control. I was grateful; they are old friends and I knew C could handle it. He said something about Chip, but I didn't really understand what he meant, so I thought it was just Hulky getting too drunk, but was relieved I didn't have to concern myself with it. Someone else came in at some point and mentioned something that Hulky was talking about, which I took as a warning sign, so I went out and found that C and Chip were taking him out for a walk (or that's how it seemed). Then Chip came back in later and made me freak out because he didn't know where they'd gone. Of course, no one had their phone with them. They were "missing" for at least 30 minutes, possibly longer, but I didn't keep track of the time at that point.

    What happened: Hulky got too drunk and Chip started badgering Hulky about something from his past that was triggering, basically. Hulky was not in a state of mind to get Chip to stop. Hulky and C went off for a walk around the neighborhood so Hulky could cool off. Chip followed them, but got left behind (on purpose) and then spent a while freaking out because he didn't know where they'd gone, and from his perception Hulky was in a very dangerous state of mind (that's how he made it sound anyway, but I know how Hulky gets and he just talks a lot about upsetting things at that point). Chip didn't understand that HE was the reason that Hulky got upset. He found them in the driveway after a while and Hulky basically came back in and went to bed after that. I'm glad I got him on his own at that point because he listened to me and let me get him to the bedroom to pass out. Chip continued drinking, got to about one drink too many and started having one-sided conversations with people. He does this a lot. He has issues, he doesn't deal with them, he thinks he is not worth fixing, and I'm reaching the limit of dealing with his mess (which I feel guilty about, but he's not my responsibility and neither are his problems). There were only a few people left at that point, so I told Chip I was going to bed and he should head out, so he rambled at a sleeping person about how he (Chip) was a terrible person and he (the sleeping person) should make sure everyone knows and finally left. It was unpleasant and that is unfortunately just how he gets.

    Hulky and I talked a little about all of this last night. Whatever was triggering to him, whatever it was he was reminiscing, it's not something he wants me to know about. I have a general idea of what it is, from drunken confessions overheard over time. It's not even something I have ever talked to my therapist about, except as vaguely as all this. I feel like it would be a violation of his trust. Hulky will only talk about it with me as vaguely as I've written here and one time said he thought maybe he should talk to someone about the things that had happened. I didn't know what to say. You really need to find the right person to do that with and it's not easy. I don't think it's something I can encourage. Basically, the only way it can come up is if I frame it in the context of how it affects me (his current behavior, not whatever is in his past). That only really happens when it's relevant, i.e. he had some kind of "episode" while drunk. I think I need to remind him of what I said about it in the past, esp. now that we're married: It's okay for me to not know the details. It's okay for him to ask specific things of me about unlikely situations and what I should do in that event, but not explain why. But the issues/memories either need to be dealt with so they DON'T come up vaguely anymore or they DO come up, in detail, and he is at peace with it. I agreed to marry him knowing the rough nature of his secrets and I feel a little like he should respect the trust I am giving him by not asking about it. I feel a little like wanting that respect is somehow greedy or selfish of me?

    I think we will need to talk more about Chip. I'm not comfortable being stuck with kicking him out and that's happened more than a few times. He seems to listen to me, but seeing him all messed up makes all my anxiety come to a head & it's very frustrating. And I am generally uncomfortable with drug use and he sometimes comes over to drunk with Hulky while high or on a trip =\.

    Period - the flow was very heavy for two days and now has lightened up significantly, with no more cramps. Could just be how my cycle is going to go, or it could be from the Vit E I'm supplementing. Who knows! We'll see what happens next month.
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  3. #5433
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    We all have "stuff" in our past that causes issues in our present. Maybe it would do Hulky good to just tell you and get it out so he isn't trying to bury it anymore? I admire you for being okay with not knowing and for letting him have his secrets, but a little confession goes a long way in healing past wounds. And you may be able to help him deal with it, and let it go.

    As for Chip............ he doesn't sound like much a friend -- and if he's leaving your place in such a state of drunkenness how is he getting home? Is he driving? He's going to kill someone.
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  4. #5434
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    Chip lives two blocks away, with Hulky's parents. He moved out here last December to save up a bit with a good job (working with their dad) so he can move closer to his son, back in Minnesota. Kind of a "fresh start" kind of arrangement, but he isn't really taking advantage of it yet. He's pretty unhappy and thinks he's "too smart" for therapy. I maintain that he just hasn't had a good therapist and doesn't understand what it can really do for him. He just thinks he's a bad person and that's that.

    C knows Hulky's secrets, or at least enough of it. I think it helps that he has that outlet. But Hulky really does not want me to know. I think he is afraid that I will think lesser of him or be afraid of him, despite me trying to reassure that that would never be the case.
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  5. #5435
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    Sounds like he did something that is causing him to feel shame. Shame is never a good emotion as it accomplishes nothing but self loathing. If he could turn that shame into conviction he may be able to get somewhere with the healing process. Conviction often results in action whether it be confession to someone who can help heal, or to asking forgiveness to a person who has been hurt or wronged. I hope he finds a way to gain some peace and move forward.
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  6. #5436
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    Wow, not a great weekend for friends.
    I agree with Tomi. It most likely has something to do with shame or blame. That said, if he won't talk about it, you can't force it. It might be beneficial to talk with C and see if there's some roundabout way you could help without needing to know the details of the incident. There are dark moments of my past that Geek has helped on without realizing it, just by saying the right thing at the right time.
    As to Chip, if he thinks he's beyond the reach of a therapist, he's right. A therapist only works if you're willing to work with them. That said, you might encourage him to find something similar to AA or Al- Anon. It's free, and if he doesn't like it, they'll refund him all his misery. Even just a therapy group with no associations could probably help. Either way, it would be a good idea to institute a shut down time for when people come over. As in "we go to bed at midnight, so clear out before then." Obviously, that can flex, but it's a good way to get people headed toward the door.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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  7. #5437
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    Getting some insight from C might be doable at some point. He might be able to offer some insight. It helps that he's known Hulky for about 15 years.

    Chip is definitely not willing to work with a therapist. I think something like AA might be good for him, but I doubt he would go and I don't feel comfortable suggesting it. I will talk to Hulky about this and a bedtime policy could work. I know Hulky is uncomfortable with some of Chip's shit too, he just doesn't know how to deal with it. Chip is 9 years older than us and Hulky often feels like he is being the older brother. All Chip really wants to do is drink and so if they go out, they drink, and if they stay in, they drink. Unless Chip starts doing other things, I don't think that's going to change, so Hulky is stuck trying to figure out how to spend time with his brother without ending up feeling like a caretaker. He also doesn't like avoiding his brother. They only spent some years growing up together, as Chip lived with his mom for quite a while, so they are just reconnecting for the first time as a adults, after Chip moved here last winter.
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  8. #5438
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    Hmm... that is a squirrelly situation. That might require sober talk between the 3 of y'all, which isn't really feasible from what you're saying. A good idea might be to have a cut off limit of so many drinks per night or drinking stops after X time, to keep Chip from getting wasted and forcing Hulky to take care of him. I dunno. I haven't had that issue.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  9. #5439
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    Oh I forgot Chip was hulky's brother............ that detail certainly muddies things up. Hulky might need to set some boundaries. Make suggestions for non-drinking outings. Maybe a family hike someplace?
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  10. #5440
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    yeah, that's unlikely Tomi . It's just awkward because he's a grown-ass adult at 34 years old and isn't really interested in having his life together from what I can tell. I don't think he'll sit well with an imposed # of drinks, esp. since his tolerance is well above either of ours. We'll figure something out. Maybe Hulky is willing to tell his brother to get his act together, or they can keep their drinking nights over at their parents' house so Chip doesn't even have to go anywhere.
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