Just a little gushing: I know Hulky is the man for me, but it feels really good when people tell us how great we are together . There was a lot of that at the party, from both friends and family. I don't really subscribe to the concept of "the one", but he is definitely a great match for me.
I'm writing the following since I'm not in therapy right now and I want to get it out of my head. Any insight is welcome, though I hesitate to write that because I'm not sure how well I can really explain this whole situation & how I feel about it in regards to Hulky and his secrets.
Drama at the party: I was chatting with a couple of people in the bedroom, keeping the cat company (she was freaked out by all the people, but came out for pets while we were in there with the door closed). C came in at one point and said that Hulky was not in a good head space, but he was keeping it under control. I was grateful; they are old friends and I knew C could handle it. He said something about Chip, but I didn't really understand what he meant, so I thought it was just Hulky getting too drunk, but was relieved I didn't have to concern myself with it. Someone else came in at some point and mentioned something that Hulky was talking about, which I took as a warning sign, so I went out and found that C and Chip were taking him out for a walk (or that's how it seemed). Then Chip came back in later and made me freak out because he didn't know where they'd gone. Of course, no one had their phone with them. They were "missing" for at least 30 minutes, possibly longer, but I didn't keep track of the time at that point.
What happened: Hulky got too drunk and Chip started badgering Hulky about something from his past that was triggering, basically. Hulky was not in a state of mind to get Chip to stop. Hulky and C went off for a walk around the neighborhood so Hulky could cool off. Chip followed them, but got left behind (on purpose) and then spent a while freaking out because he didn't know where they'd gone, and from his perception Hulky was in a very dangerous state of mind (that's how he made it sound anyway, but I know how Hulky gets and he just talks a lot about upsetting things at that point). Chip didn't understand that HE was the reason that Hulky got upset. He found them in the driveway after a while and Hulky basically came back in and went to bed after that. I'm glad I got him on his own at that point because he listened to me and let me get him to the bedroom to pass out. Chip continued drinking, got to about one drink too many and started having one-sided conversations with people. He does this a lot. He has issues, he doesn't deal with them, he thinks he is not worth fixing, and I'm reaching the limit of dealing with his mess (which I feel guilty about, but he's not my responsibility and neither are his problems). There were only a few people left at that point, so I told Chip I was going to bed and he should head out, so he rambled at a sleeping person about how he (Chip) was a terrible person and he (the sleeping person) should make sure everyone knows and finally left. It was unpleasant and that is unfortunately just how he gets.
Hulky and I talked a little about all of this last night. Whatever was triggering to him, whatever it was he was reminiscing, it's not something he wants me to know about. I have a general idea of what it is, from drunken confessions overheard over time. It's not even something I have ever talked to my therapist about, except as vaguely as all this. I feel like it would be a violation of his trust. Hulky will only talk about it with me as vaguely as I've written here and one time said he thought maybe he should talk to someone about the things that had happened. I didn't know what to say. You really need to find the right person to do that with and it's not easy. I don't think it's something I can encourage. Basically, the only way it can come up is if I frame it in the context of how it affects me (his current behavior, not whatever is in his past). That only really happens when it's relevant, i.e. he had some kind of "episode" while drunk. I think I need to remind him of what I said about it in the past, esp. now that we're married: It's okay for me to not know the details. It's okay for him to ask specific things of me about unlikely situations and what I should do in that event, but not explain why. But the issues/memories either need to be dealt with so they DON'T come up vaguely anymore or they DO come up, in detail, and he is at peace with it. I agreed to marry him knowing the rough nature of his secrets and I feel a little like he should respect the trust I am giving him by not asking about it. I feel a little like wanting that respect is somehow greedy or selfish of me?
I think we will need to talk more about Chip. I'm not comfortable being stuck with kicking him out and that's happened more than a few times. He seems to listen to me, but seeing him all messed up makes all my anxiety come to a head & it's very frustrating. And I am generally uncomfortable with drug use and he sometimes comes over to drunk with Hulky while high or on a trip =\.
Period - the flow was very heavy for two days and now has lightened up significantly, with no more cramps. Could just be how my cycle is going to go, or it could be from the Vit E I'm supplementing. Who knows! We'll see what happens next month.