Thank you, everyone
Thank you, everyone
For me, Goldie is right. With one notable exception, every therapist I've gone to was worse than useless. There's something about my journal and the people here that helps me get beyond the issue at hand. I think that's why I stick around, y'all make for some awesome feedback and therapy.
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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I'm so sorry NW-you get one more hug, coming your way. Goldie had such an awesome idea of a little ceremony for you and Hulky. That could be tremendously healthful. Don't rush yourself to feel better, rather, why do you think it still lingers? Maybe that will help you choose the next step for yourself. I have the same fears of burdening people w/ my things and find it hard to be open.
Re: the dyglizz licorice (i am not going to type that whole word! ) You don't have to take it before meals. I just kept a little bag of it with me to chew one when I felt heartburn. And they make it dyglizz'd because people w/ heart conditions can't ingest extra amounts of glycerine. If you have no heart history, just plain black licorice candy can oftentimes work.
“you aren't what you eat - you are what you don't poop.” Wavy Gravy
Today I am Fillyjonk. Tommorow I will be Snufkin.
Hey, I also don't think that you should blame yourself. Almost everyone in this world, at one time or another, has had sex while inadequately protected. It's not as if you had a one night stand with some random guy and didn't use a condom. You two were in a committed relationship. I think that makes a big difference.
Re: the timing of having kids. I think it is probably a good idea to wait until you have a bit more financial stability before you start having kids. Otherwise it can be very stressful. I think you said that you're 25. You're still young; you have plenty of time. I totally understand not wanting to have kids after 35, and I think that's a good idea. I also don't think that I'll have kids after 35 because of the risks, and, given that I'm 31, I guess it's not happening. But 35 for you is 10 years from now so still plenty of time.
The IUD actually makes it easier to get pregnant once you decide to do it. It usually takes a few weeks/months (even years for some) after getting off hormonal birth control before a woman's hormones normalize and she becomes fertile again. But with Paragard, you can get pregnant again as soon as you remove it. Yeah, you have to make an appointment to have it removed, but it literally takes five minutes. You can even do it yourself if you're brave (but I don't recommend it--sounds scary).
Anyway, hugs, and I hope you feel better soon! <3
I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you've gone through over the past months. I want you know that I can somewhat relate to what you're feeling.............. here's my story:
When I married the first time - I was 21. We decided to start a family right away because he was 35 already. So, I went off bc pills and we waited for nature to take its course. Months turned into years and no baby. After 2 full years of unprotected sex and using a thermometer to gauge ovulation the doctor had me take Clomid to force ovulation. I was pregnant after the first dose and learned 12 weeks later that I was carrying twins. I was thrilled! I'd always wanted twins. At 21 weeks I quite my job and was planning on taking it easy for the rest of my pregnancy and prepare for the babies to come. The second night after quitting my job I woke in the night to go potty and found that I was hemorrhaging and cramping. We rushed to the hospital and were told it was too late for the doctors to do anything and that my babies would be born that night. Needless to say --- my babies were born, and did not survive. They were listed as Non-viable. They're lungs were not yet developed and they never took their first breaths. The doctor told me I had a weak cervix and it could not bare the weight of a twin pregnancy.
My grief came in waves and in different forms. But the main focus was on self-blame. Had I not taken the fertility pills I would not have conceived twins - so I blamed myself and my selfish desire to have children for the entire horrible loss of my babies. That was nearly 28 years ago. I spent too much time being angry with myself for making choices that I later deemed selfish and desperate. I hated myself for taking the Clomid, and I hated my body for not being strong enough to carry my children until they were able to survive on their own. I went through some dark and difficult psychological struggles. Years later I explained to a counselor what I had experienced and he told me that I was very lucky to have been able to work through those things on my own because what I was experiencing could have easily caused me to be institutionalized.
The truth of the matter is............ things happen in life that we have no control over. Self-doubt and self-blame never help us grow and learn from the things life throws at us. What happened to you was unfortunate and painful, but blaming yourself isn't going to change it. You've done the right thing by deciding to go with the IUD - you've done the mature thing, the responsible thing. A baby will be in your future when the time is right, and when you are both ready.
Grieve the loss of the baby - but don't blame yourself for what happened. Grow, learn, move forward.
As for timing.............. well -- babies change EVERYTHING! some good and some bad......... but definitely everything! Enjoy this time with Hulky - relish in the freedom and spontaneity you have now, cuz once children are a part of the equation life gets busy, and messy and full and exhausting and expensive! And if it weren't also joyful it would certainly NOT be worth it!
Go on your honeymoon and don't think about babies for a long time!!!!
Sorry for the derail Tasha but Tomi, I just wanted to say I'm really, really sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how difficult that must have been. I hope you worked through things and came out the other end stronger... I'm sure you did. L.o.v.e ♥
"I think the basic anti-aging diet is also the best diet for prevention and treatment of diabetes, scleroderma, and the various "connective tissue diseases." This would emphasize high protein, low unsaturated fats, low iron, and high antioxidant consumption, with a moderate or low starch consumption.
In practice, this means that a major part of the diet should be milk, cheese, eggs, shellfish, fruits and coconut oil, with vitamin E and salt as the safest supplements."
- Ray Peat
Tomi, thank you for sharing that. You made me cry, but it was a good thing . I feel more hopeful that the grief will pass and I can stop blaming myself. Knowing it's foolish is step 1, accept it is foolish is step 2.
I will add my hugs to the mix nw. It is perfectly ok for you to grieve! You lost a baby. Please don't feel guilty. It certainly wasn't your fault. I agree with the little ceremony idea if you think that would give you closure & help you move on. Oh & you could've been using condoms faithfully & they have still been known to fail & pregnancy happen.
Hugs to you as well tomi.
Goal: Don't worry be happy!