Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 49

[namelesswonder]

Ow ow ow. Intense gas pain. Like I think I'm going to go to the bathroom and people will think they're under fire. Gawd. I want to prick myself in the intestines and let it OUT.

I am eating my failed pumpkin pie for lunch. It tastes like the pumpkin smoothies I made. Definitely not enough spices. I did a big drizzle of honey instead of the sweetener in the recipe, but I don't think it was enough if I'm going minimal on the spices, so definitely MORE SPICES. I wonder if I can fix it somehow, but it seems wrong to blend it with more spices and try baking it again. The only really bake-able thing in it is 2 eggs...so maybe not. I shall save the rest for this afternoon if I'm desperate or tomorrow for lunch or breakfast. Who fucking knows. It's getting eaten, that's what.

My brain is poop today. If it weren't for the sick and lack of sleep, I think I'd be really on top in terms of mental clarity. Booooo. I need to pop by the grocery store on the way home to get some eggs, at the very last, and more frozen broc or some other veg. Does the grocery store sell socks? I need socks. Boyfriend decided not to do laundry this weekend and I apparently have only one weeks worth of long socks.

Looks like I'm back to narrating my life on here. I'm okay with that. I feel a bit bottled up and it's nice to know that people are reading and sympathizing even if I'm rambly.

But most of my posts can be summarized to GAWD MY HAIR. IT'SRIGHT/WRONG/GRIMEY/STILL GREEN. SOMETHING IS WRONG INTESTINALLY AND I'M TOO LAZY TO DO GAPS. I DIDN'T EAT PROPERLY OH WAIT I DID RIGHT THEN YAY PRIMAL! Hah.

[namelesswonder]

Oh AND I've just decided that I'm going to dedicate the next couple of months to cutting back on sugar FOR GOOD. For now, no ice cream OR gelato. I'm going to get a few apples as well as my usual 5 or so bananas every week for smoothies, but the apples will be for moments of desperation when I really want a treat. They make me hungry, so i will suffer and be reminded that it's not worth it. Maybe. or I'll want another apple. I'm trying REALLY HARD not to get a crate of clementines. They're my favvorrriittteeeee

[Gay Panda]

But most of my posts can be summarized to GAWD MY HAIR. IT'SRIGHT/WRONG/GRIMEY/STILL GREEN. SOMETHING IS WRONG INTESTINALLY AND I'M TOO LAZY TO DO GAPS. I DIDN'T EAT PROPERLY OH WAIT I DID RIGHT THEN YAY PRIMAL! Hah.

That cracked me up. I'm happy to see other people rambling in their journals as mine is just one long ramble, too.

You and Lady Friend need to bake pies together, because you don't use enough spices, and she looks at the recipe and cries, "That CAN'T be enough!" and doubles every spice there. The average of you two will create one awesome pie.

[namelesswonder]

That sounds perfect. My food tends to be quite bland, but I followed the recipe this time and anytime something calls for 1/8 tsp, that's just WRONG. Not my fault, so there. Humph.

[drssgchic]

Actually, reading your posts is really helpful for me. You know how it is with depression- you feel isolated. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but it is good to know that I'm not the only one. Oh- and that healing is possible. Sometimes I forget that.

Glad your dad seems to be doing better. It's hard when family is sick.

Good luck with the cooking. Oh- and according to the way my mom cooks- just add pepper. To dang near anything. It'll fix it

[ottercat]

Good luck with the cooking. Oh- and according to the way my mom cooks- just add pepper. To dang near anything. It'll fix it

or from King of the Hill, just add nutmeg! =P

[namelesswonder]

My stomach is crazy. First my blood sugar was very low (maybe? I felt shaky and like I was either going to pass out, puke, or shit myself) and I nearly blacked out while driving. I cooked up my steak (tasty, but boyfriend said too much vinegar? I didn't taste/smell it) and had that with a sweet potato. And then I had a banana. And then an 8" pumpkin pie (just the filling, no flour). Uh...

Yeah I'm fucking ravenous. I bought some eggs (forgot cheese! damn!) and probiotics at Shaws on my way home. I had one of the probiotics before eating. Do you take them before eating? Every meal?

I tried to eat some coconut oil to see if that would help, but my stomach is undoubtedly full. I keep peeing a lot, though I don't think I'm drinking that much water. What to do. I hate feeling so hungry. I don't think I have a fever. Tomorrow is going to suck if I feel this poorly again

[namelesswonder]

After spamming you all with massive updates yesterday, I was blessed with a busy morning and am just now checking into MDA for the first time!

Sleep: I took 200mg of 5HTP last night as well as Nyquil. I started sneezing a lot just before bed and didn't want congestion to get in the way of a full night of rest. I think it was too much sleepy action because I snoozed several times this morning and got to work pretty late. I will be getting to bed a bit later than I'd like tonight (midnight) due to a raid, but lucky for me, boyfriend isn't running any for the next couple of weeks due to finals.

Brain: I have a nice focus today. I felt really grumpy when I first got up, but once I started going, things started to clear up in my head. I took a probiotic pill, 100mg of Theanine, 500mg of Tyrosine and my VitD (12,000IU again, back down to 10,000 for the rest of the week tomorrow, then 8k until I get my blood test results) & B12 drops in a cup of tea when I got to work. These are all going to be part of my "standard build" of supps for now, so I will summarize in the future and just clarify if asked. I take them all before eating. The VitD has been a really nice addition to my brain-regimen. It's really wonderful to be able to enjoy the beauty of fall and encroaching winter instead of getting trapped in my depressive muse. She is welcoming and familiar, but I would rather have the option to avoid her and the Vitamin D really helps with that.

Last night I was not in a good place emotionally. Lately I've felt very sensitive & raw. Watching Full Metal Alchemist (great show!) made me tear up repeatedly! Even today, feeling much better mentally, I can tell I am more sensitive than usual. One potential factor is hormones and that my period just ended. More and more I am feeling like hormones may be playing a role in my mental health. I will wait to get blood test results before I act on that, though I'm not sure if hormones were part of the testing. Yesterday evening, I realized that one recurring point of stress for me is concern over my boyfriend's health & schooling. He's had a lot of trouble with both, also with health affecting his schooling, this semester. I was not in a good state to try to tackle those concerns last night. Today, thinking about it, I feel more comfortable accepting that all I can do is support him. Asking about his plan of attack and helping him get to class by calling him after his alarm is supposed to go off is more helpful than stressing over it. Being able to "consider, accept, & release" things that worry me is such a relief, but I have to be in a good mental state to do it. It's like something was unlocked in my brain and now I can just DO IT. Before, I could not, as much as I wanted to, release the issues.

Food: I was hungry in a normal way this morning so I drank a cup of kefir (kind of gross after brushing my teeth) with my supps. I nibbled on some leftover turkey (I love cold turkey!), but the kefir really filled me up. I felt like the turkey really helped perk me up this morning. Since I got up & ate late, I easily by-passed the 10AM munchies and it's now almost 1PM and I'm only a little hungry but water is reducing the feeling a bit. The kefir made my throat a bit phlegmy so my cough is back, hence the tea at work. Unfortunately, I don't think it's decaf. Dinner will be another boring meatloaf. I'll probably stop by the store for some cheese & bacon to jazz it up, but I'm not sure if Shaws carries uncured bacon. I am trying to focus on hydrating today since I didn't much over the weekend or yesterday.

The 10AM munchies and not really feeling awake until after then confirms my suspicions about improper adrenal function. I am going to be very confused if my tests come back okay!

Hair & bathing: After reading a thread on no-soaping yesterday, I let my hair dry without brushing it. I used some conditioner after rinsing & scrubbing my hair & scalp, and then massaged that all around my scalp. I found that focusing on the massage helped me spread it around so I didn't have to use a ton. My hair was manageable after so I just used my fingers to get the part and put everything into place. It feels slightly filmy, but it's consistent instead of being just in certain spots. I definitely need to bring a brush to work if I'm going to do this in the future. I wanted to try not using soap, but my armpits smelled bad even after scrubbing so I gave up. I felt kind of grimy (these words just look wrong without an -ey, I'm weird) anyway. I think I want to get a deodorant stone.

Overall health: Last night was rotten. I had so much gas and it was really painful. My stomach is almost normal today and there's no gas or pain. I am feeling much better overall today! I am tired, in a curl-up-right-here-and-sleep kind of way, but not feeling like I'm going to black out or puke is really nice. I am a bit congested and it's giving me a somewhat dry cough, and I can feel the phlegm in my throat, but drinking water seems to help clear everything out. My hip is sore, but I am often a bit sore for a few days after eating wheat, even just a little (my left hand was sore yesterday).

Exercise: Meh. I did some wall push-ups a few days ago before bed to relax. I did 20 squats, but my hip kept popping and it was uncomfortable so I stopped. I want to go to the chiropractor again soon, but my insurance is still figuring out how to bill/how much I owe for the last visit, so I am waiting for that to go through first. I feel like doing something today so I might do some squats and wall push-ups in the bathroom. If I do those with somewhat regularity, I think I will find that exercising with the KB will be less intimidating and I won't put it off so much. It's beautiful out today so I'm going to take a walk outside as soon as I get off this phone conference.

Money & Primal living: My grocery calculations came out to roughly $220 for the entire month of November for mutual groceries (I kept out things that I bought just for myself, like supps and kefir). That may be including some household items like soap or toilet paper. I spent a bit more than my boyfriend, but since his income situation has been a bit hairy, that's okay, and will probably continue for the next couple of months. I'm not in danger of spending more money than I earned for the past month, but I don't think I'll have made any savings. I don't think I'm going to actively track my spending until after the holidays. My brother's birthday in January will be the only "event" that I need to spend any money on for a while, and I'm planning on making some band-related decorations for his bedroom (used to be mine, he moved in sometime in the last couple of months). Overall, I'm really surprised that we didn't spend more than that for the month. Keeping the weekly budget in mind was helpful for me to not spend too much in general, let alone over food. We can definitely live like this.

[fpsjosh01]

Good job with the budget.

[namelesswonder]

Thanks! My own personal spending is still an issue, but one thing at a time. For sugar, first I conquer ice cream (decided to allow myself one bar of super dark chocolate as a treat every week or two if resisting the cravings is too much of a bother). For food in general, no ordering out in December (will make sure I always have eggs). For spending, first I conquer budgeting the essentials, continuing to limit myself to one non-food treat a month. Come January I'll assess my spending as a whole by tracking income & purchases in a spreadsheet. I really wish I could start something crafty for additional income, but I'm not good at marketing & none of my skills are honed enough to be worth selling. Cleaning is also a focus I want to have for December, both just generally around the apartment as well as deep into the drawers & closets to get rid of unnecessary clutter. I think I need to list these goals out in my blog so I don't forget.... Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.

Oh wow. Okay maybe this much coconut milk does not sit well with me? I ate some more of my failed pumpkin thing and I am instantly gassy and bloated! I feel a bit more "off" in general. I thought maybe it was the probiotic, but I felt fine when I took it this morning, so it must be this thing. I will throw out the rest, since I'm not terribly hungry and really just need to drink more water. Coconut milk, canned pumpkin, 2 eggs, some honey & spices... It could be the pumpkin, I guess, but I think it's more likely too much coconut milk for me. I feel like I had a similar feeling with my pumpkin smoothies in the past, but I didn't use as much coconut milk in those so the effect was less.