Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 45

[fpsjosh01]

Yay.

[namelesswonder]

^See previous post for review of doctor's appointment and things I'll be doing soon in regards to health and finding answers.

And now, for your entertainment: what happened to me 7 years ago when I OD'd on Tylenol PM.

A couple months ago, I mentioned here that I was looking into retrieving my medical records from my hospitalization in 2004. The papers finally came in a couple of days ago, and included a formal report of my status from within 24 hours of my intake, a formal report shortly before I was released, and my doctor's hand-written notes from throughout my 3-4 day stay. The only health concern that was noted on the papers was of course the excess of Acetomenaphin in my system, and how that was treated, and sinus tachycardia. This explains the elevated heart rate I experienced around that time. It's interesting to note that I continued to experience excessively elevated heart rate after this for at least several months, which may indicate inappropriate sinus tachycardia. I never brought this up to doctors after, or to my parents, as I wasn't really concerned about my health at the time. I was still too depressed to care, but I can remember clearly how difficult even walking home from school with a light backpack was for a while. It was a long time before I really felt physically recovered from that, but I am pretty sure I have no lingering issues for that.

The doctor's hand-written notes quoted some of my comments, which was really the most distressing part of the whole package. It was upsetting to read about how I felt at the time, as I could suddenly remember saying all of those things. I wouldn't say that the memories were repressed, but without a trigger, I definitely would not have recalled ever having said that I felt like I was a burden on my family. I nearly cried reading those words, but more out of relief that I am no longer in such a dark place, than self-pity. I spent a few moments reflecting on my extreme sadness and helplessness years ago, and then went and played more Skyrim. Overall, I'm glad I finally got those records, and will be storing them someplace safe for reference/simply for preservation.

---

Stuff about today...

Supps: fish oil, Tyrosine, Theanine (oh yeah, doc said to stay on that & fish oil before the urine test, but stop everything else for 2 days), plus the 300mg of 5-HTP last night. I decided to go without the GABA Calm this morning, just for the heck of it, but I have some in my bag if I want to try some in the afternoon. I am in a good mood today and looking forward to going out to some circus show with a friend tonight. My focus isn't awesome, but it's not terrible either. I had trouble remembering my supplements under "pressure" at the doctor's office, but that is pretty usual for me. I wonder if the GABA would have helped with that. I might take the GABA soon to see if my focus changes over the afternoon.

Sleep: I seem to always wake up around 7am, but am truly incapable of getting out of bed until at least 8am, which means I really need to keep making an effort to get to bed early. I still keep fighting the tiredness that comes around 10pm and staying up till 11 and 12. Cortisolllllll daammmnnn yyyoouuuuu... Fingers crossed that the saliva test comes up with anything conclusive!

Food: The freezer really turned things around last night! I forgot we had another lb of ground beef, and half a bag of frozen peppers, so voila. Beef & peppers for dinner (so much water from both being frozen [defrosted beef before cooking obv, but it still retains a lot of water], I hate straining dinner). The added salt & pepper really helped. I cooked it all up in coconut oil (licking the knife after getting it out of the jar and into the pan, it's always solid in my apartment) and thought it was pretty tasty, though definitely not enough food after 24hr fast. I didn't realize until later in the evening that since I hadn't eaten all day, I had done a 24hr fast! It DEFINITELY helps my brain to do these long fasts. I bought some cottage cheese (~4% fat), honey & KERRY GOLD BUTTER, and had some of the first two items for brunch here at work. I should probably put the honey away in my bag in the fridge in the kitchen...it's much tastier than the stuff I have at home and it keeps whispering to me...

I FOUND KERRY GOLD BUTTER AT SHAW'S! I was looking for sticks, and then I saw it, in a little tub, tucked next to some fake butter. I am happy. Unfortunately I'll still have to wait to use it, unless I have a sweet potato when I get home before I go out for dinner. Groceries will be gotten tomorrow! And the spilled bacon grease (never try cooking two bacon weaves at the same time) in the oven will be cleaned tonight! Since I also got oven cleaner =P

[Patrick]

Sleep: I seem to always wake up around 7am, but am truly incapable of getting out of bed until at least 8am, which means I really need to keep making an effort to get to bed early. I still keep fighting the tiredness that comes around 10pm and staying up till 11 and 12. Cortisolllllll daammmnnn yyyoouuuuu... Fingers crossed that the saliva test comes up with anything conclusive!

Actually, it could simply be related to blue light/electronic light before bed. Read for 20 minutes before you sleep and see if that changes things over the course of a few days. Going for a night walk or reading before sleep makes a big difference for me. I now get up by 6am without issue, fully awake and good to go.

(Sorry for crashing your journal -- have seen you post before on other threads I've followed.)

[namelesswonder]

No prob dude, comments are always welcome. Yeah, reading before bed instead of going straight from the computer to bed is one of my goals for long-term and short-term. I read last night, so that was a plus at least!

[namelesswonder]

Weekend has been way too busy. Not giving myself enough time to relax, but that's what next week is for (I only work Mon & Tues). I have been eating well except for the egg nog I bought (I know, I know, I AM going to make my own). Kerry Gold Butter is like unto godliness. My boyfriend simply said that it had a strong flavor (a DELICIOUS flavor), but he ate his eggs and enjoyed them. +1 for me.

Feeling quite anxious today, no doubt from not taking any supplements for a couple of days except for the fish oil & Theanine (to prepare for pee-test Monday AM). Tonight is my sister's birthday dinner (b.day tomorrow) and we're going to a vegan restaurant. I took a glance at the menu. Soy, soy, gluten, gluten. Gluten-fried gluten. I'm kidding (kind of). I will eat beforehand I guess =\ I called ahead and they said I could get steamed veggies (and white rice), but no thank you. Not worth it, even if it's free. I don't want rice tonight. I am just trying to chill but not knowing how I'm getting there is stressing me out.

[fpsjosh01]

Weekend has been way too busy. Not giving myself enough time to relax, but that's what next week is for (I only work Mon & Tues). I have been eating well except for the egg nog I bought (I know, I know, I AM going to make my own). Kerry Gold Butter is like unto godliness. My boyfriend simply said that it had a strong flavor (a DELICIOUS flavor), but he ate his eggs and enjoyed them. +1 for me.

Feeling quite anxious today, no doubt from not taking any supplements for a couple of days except for the fish oil & Theanine (to prepare for pee-test Monday AM). Tonight is my sister's birthday dinner (b.day tomorrow) and we're going to a vegan restaurant. I took a glance at the menu. Soy, soy, gluten, gluten. Gluten-fried gluten. I'm kidding (kind of). I will eat beforehand I guess =\ I called ahead and they said I could get steamed veggies (and white rice), but no thank you. Not worth it, even if it's free. I don't want rice tonight. I am just trying to chill but not knowing how I'm getting there is stressing me out.

OMG Kerry gold butter is awesome.

I fry My Bacon in it to lessen the o6 ratio.

Yay.

Keep it up.

[namelesswonder]

^That sounds glorious. Maybe I'll do that in the AM.

I played Skyrim and the focus really helped with the anxiety. I went over for dessert (TJ's coconut milk sorbet, pretty tasty but I only ate a little bc I was not in the mood for more sugar) and felt okay, but had a hard time speaking (words straight in my head, but come out all wrong) & wasn't even comfortable making eye contact for any long period of time. With my own family! Classic anxiety.

1.5 hrs more until my last saliva collection. Peeing in a jar in the morning, hooray!

[Patrick]

Skyrim and peeing in a jar. Suh'weeet!

[namelesswonder]

Ouch, for a number of reasons. Bleeding, for two.
-Too much rice last night. Blood in toilet today. An unpleasant reminder that I CANNOT EAT MORE THAN 1 CUP OF COOKED RICE IN ONE SERVING. That one bowlful of home-made fried rice was too much. Probably 2-3 cups of cooked rice. It's a good thing I didn't go out to eat with my family, because I probably would have eaten even more rice.
-Period begins. I've been having cramps since yesterday. Since my mood has been unreliable lately, I can't say that my PMS was better or worse than usual, since I was irritable anyway. The cramps are definitely worse than usual. I am going to start taking that magnesium regularly again, I stopped taking it for no particular reason a while back.
-Emotionally, I've been a wreck. Yesterday was painful for me, being fully aware of how terrible I was being to my family (I snapped at my mom, felt really pressured to join them at dinner when I was really anxious), feeling guilty for missing my sister's birthday dinner, and even feeling guilty for not eating cake (sister's bf asked "So what are you not eating?" and I felt like such an outcast). I still feel very sensitive today (thinking about this is making me tear up), but infinitely more focused. Thankfully I can start taking my supplements again today.

I will get to bed early tonight. 10pm, in bed with Vampire Hunter D (it's a book, haha). I have to go in tomorrow morning to get some bloodwork done. The lab is open at 8AM, and that's when I want to be there so I don't have to get to work late. That means getting up no later than 7AM, since I can't eat beforehand. And no eating after 8pm tonight.

No 'Poo: I've been getting tips on how to do this from a number of sources now. My hair definitely likes the conditioner as a wash, so I will investigate a cheaper option if I have to do that everyday to keep it manageable & presentable (at this rate, it's going to be a new bottle every month at least). I went through the weekend with just conditioner washes and did a BS/conditioner wash this morning. The new hairbrush I got really helps with body and making my hair look nice and healthy. It's been about 3 weeks since I conventionally washed my hair. I'm feeling encouraged to continue this. As for the color, my hair is about as faded as it was 1 week after dyeing it the first time, with regular hair-washing every day. At this rate, I might not be able to bleach it before the New Year because the color is really lasting on the highlights underneath (they were brighter than the ones we did on top) =P Oh well, at least my hair is healthy. It no longer keeps the crimp I get from wearing my glasses and scooter helmet over wet hair in the morning all day long. I guess that means I probably won't be able to curl my hair ever, but I generally do it once every couple of years anyway.

Food today: Wasn't hungry at breakfast. My appetite kicked in around 11AM, but then I went to the bathroom, and the combination of blood & cramps really turned me off from food. Plus my lunch is leftover fried rice, which I do not think would be wise for my bowels right now! It's going to be a rough day. I will make dinner as soon as I get home and eat coconut oil by the spoonful if I have to, up until 8pm. My tummy needs a break. At least there's no sugar in the house except for honey, but there's nothing to put it in. I'm not in the mood for tea, even if peppermint is my favorite and that's all we have.

Dealing with "non-believers": The only people I really have to 'deal' with in regards to my 'abnormal' diet are my family. My mother is the queen of forgetful and finally got the "no wheat" part, but gifted me a bag of rice-based, gluten-free pasta the other day. I kept quiet and thanked her. Especially with the way my emotions are right now, I am FED UP with trying to explain why I'm doing this. So after next paycheck (probably within the next couple of days because of the holiday), I will gift my mom a digital copy of TPB ($3.99 on Amazon) and BEG her to read it, for my sake, and maybe if I'm lucky she'll get something out of it too. It's not just forgetfulness, it's RUDE when I tell her I'm not eating grains except rice ON OCCASION and she suggests that I eat rice for dinner. Really. Because my sister can't deal with me being absent for a meal at a fucking vegan restaurant full of soy and gluten because I can make my own rice, which I don't want to eat, at home. CHRIST ON A CRACKER. That incident yesterday really got my goat fired up on the BBQ. I wish it was a real goat so I could eat it.

My dad should be getting a Kindle Fire for Christmas, so I'm tempted to buy TPB for him too, but he's good about keeping his thoughts to himself and has never commented on my diet. He is happy to make me omelettes when I ask. I am going to get him some high-quality sardines or anchovies for Christmas. He did a no-bread diet once and lost a lot of weight swimming & biking one summer, but then went back to his regular diet. He focused a lot of fresh veggies & salads at that time, but probably not much on meats & fats. I wonder if he would have an easier time accepting TPB as a proper way of eating than my mom would (probably).

I would like today to be over simply so I can eat some real food and relax at home. My emotional-brain is not ready to be back at work.

[fpsjosh01]

Emotionally, I've been a wreck. Yesterday was painful for me, being fully aware of how terrible I was being to my family (I snapped at my mom, felt really pressured to join them at dinner when I was really anxious), feeling guilty for missing my sister's birthday dinner, and even feeling guilty for not eating cake (sister's bf asked "So what are you not eating?" and I felt like such an outcast). I still feel very sensitive today (thinking about this is making me tear up), but infinitely more focused.

I'm there with you. I'm thinking about binge eating at my parents house on thanksgiving and just letting it go because I won't die. I'll just feel really crappy and gain a bunch of water weight. Emotional stability when dealing with parents and family is by far the worst lose/lose situation. You're damned if you do (eat bad food physically feel crappy,) and damned if you don't (don't eat bad food, feel stupid guilty about it.)

This whole forum probably regrets thanksgiving dinner just for that reason.

Dealing with "non-believers": The only people I really have to 'deal' with in regards to my 'abnormal' diet are my family.

Yup. I hear that.

It's not just forgetfulness, it's RUDE when I tell her I'm not eating grains except rice ON OCCASION and she suggests that I eat rice for dinner.

Yeah, you can't win here either, they have your "best intrests in mind."

Can I honestly hug you over the internet? I need one myself.