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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 448

  1. #4471
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    True. Say we move out at the end of August. August's rent was paid when we moved in (last month's rent). We get our deposit back (which is 1/2 month's rent for stupid reasons). The money we would have paid for September's rent becomes last month's rent or security for the next place, then we'd need extra to go towards a full deposit, assuming it's a full month's rent. Because our deposit was only 1/2 month's rent, we would need more than a month w/o rent, but because we paid last month's rent, we would end up with "extra" money, just not much. We DEFINITELY could not survive two months without murdering people at my parents' house and Hulky's parents' house doesn't have room for us now that his brother is there. If only his sister would move out =P.

    Plus there are tons of places here that require a broker's fee. We try to avoid those, but will probably have to go with that at some point if we want to move and can't find anything else. For now, we're just extremely limited by location for Hulky's schooling and my work, otherwise we could shave a few hundred off rent every month!

    Positives: with the insulation installed, we should be saving money on heating this winter. Negatives: We need that money now, not this winter!

    I might have to cash a savings bond. At least it's money I won't miss for another 10 years, when these things finally mature.
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  2. #4472
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    Sorry, there I go again. I'm really trying NOT to gripe about money! We'll figure something out. A silver lining that I thought of last night: with Hulky out of the house in August, I'll save some money on groceries. That money might go towards hanging with Venus (either going to visit her in CT or a trip to Salem), but it'll be worth it for the stress relief.

    My friend's lakehouse trip is on for the weekend of the 27th. I have to start thinking of things I can bring for myself. I can make myself some eggs and something for breakfast, but I'll need snacks and something lunch-worthy. Dinner is usually grilled stuff, so I can meat it up. Last year, I brought a rotisserie chicken and nibbled on it with some cheese, as well as some yogurt and maybe something else that I'm forgetting. The cheese and yogurt are probably not a good idea for me now. Maybe I'll bring a melon to share. And a metric ton of Larabars.

    I had to tell Hulky that Texas is off the table if SB5 passes. He doesn't mind, mostly just wants a change of pace and better income/cost of living ratio. Hmm.... how's Arizona?

    My arms and shoulders are even more sore today than they were yesterday! Hulky's are too. He said it's because we didn't stretch. I woke up pretty tired this morning, no idea why. Hulky dropped me off at work because the forecast calls for thunderstorms starting anytime after 11 AM. The rest of the week isn't looking too good either.

    I'm still having a hard time remembering to take digestive enzymes. I forgot to bring them to work today, but have been remembering them to take with lunch for the most part recently. Dinner is probably 50/50. I have no idea if they help. I feel like they don't, but don't want to try to make an assessment if I can't be consistent with them.

    Gut: I had to load up on Vitamin C to get things going yesterday. I think I took about 6 g, not including the tablets of Ester-C I had at work. That stuff doesn't seem to work the same way the buffered Vitamin C powder does. I took more Vitamin C this morning and will take more when I get home.
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  3. #4473
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    DOMA has been declared unconstitutional. I believe this means that same-sex marriages, no matter where they are performed (even in a state that does not allow them to occur), are eligible for federal benefits of marriage. That is fucking awesome.

    [edit] I guess that's not the case? I don't really understand how it works. It seems like a good thing though.
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 06-26-2013 at 07:39 AM.
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  4. #4474
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    Do you have anything you can sell? A yard sale or something's on Craig's list would clear some clutter, make it easier to move and bring some cash. Even try to sell some nicer/ wanted essential stuff with a higher price tag if you really don't use it. Personally, I suck at this, but I know many people who have gotten out of a bind this way. I "sell" stuff by putting it on the curb with a free sign

  5. #4475
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    We're thinking about selling the laptop. It's about 2 years old, barely used, and we could sell it with a fresh install of Windows, the recovery discs, and Office 2010 installed. We might be able to upgrade the memory too, which should get us a better price, but not sure if it's worth it (I'm hoping we could get $350 for it, but the memory upgrade would cost around $60). Other than that... we really have nothing to sell. Most of our stuff is old & was given to us by family members. Not that most of it is sentimental, I mean it's just been used heavily. The TV would probably sell decently, but I don't think Hulky is willing to do that =\. It's his, so that's really up to him.

    [edit] Hulky doesn't want to sell the laptop, but I just don't see any other way to get the money we need for the next few months.
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  6. #4476
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    Okay, goddammit. I am stressing out today. No big decisions.
    -There are a lot of sad things going on in the world right now. The good things about the stuff in the US are not quite overruling the bad (Voter's Rights Act, Google it, I had no idea about this until yesterday), in my mind. There are fucking INTERNMENT CAMPS in Greece segregating trans* people (and homeless and sex workers and drug addicts) and this isn't being covered in the news. I feel powerless. This is why I avoid global politics for the most part. What can I do? I am too empathetic.
    -Having the decision of selling the laptop left to me is very stressful. I want someone to give me the answer. Hulky says it's up to me, but I don't feel comfortable selling it if he doesn't want me to (the right decision does not have to be an easy one). We rarely use it. If we're lucky, someone we know might want it, which would simplify the selling process. I don't think I'd want to deal with eBay for something like this, too much risk.

    Okay, happy thoughts... Engagement party is just over 2 weeks. Hulky is making cheese-stuffed burgers for dinner tonight that should be amazing (Epic Mealtime did a tutorial video for them). Lakehouse in one month. My body is awesome. I am awesome. I will be okay.
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  7. #4477
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    I remembered that my mom still owes me at least one more payment for the scooter, so that might help with some of the immediate financial woes. I might be able to sell the laptop through a friend, just waiting for him to find out if his acquaintance wants/needs it. I'll probably ask on Facebook if that falls through.

    Yesterday, I made avocado chocolate pudding, aka. poop pudding or pooding. Seriously, it looks like baby poop. It's brown and green. It's pretty tasty anyway, or tasty enough for me. I finished off the honey I bought ages ago (for baking, need more, it's not raw but I like using "wet sugar" for baking) and then splashed in some maple syrup for the sweetener. I didn't measure anything, but it was 3 avocados worth. I ate half last night and will be digging into the rest shortly. Hulky made burgers for dinner. I think we each got over 1/2 lb meat (before cooking, so no idea what it was after baking). He tucked shredded cheddar cheese in the middle, baked it at 400F for about 45 min. I think this would be really good with mixed meats. Epic Mealtime used sausage, ground pork, and ground beef. I took two digestive enzymes and two Lactaids before eating and I was a bit bloated, but mostly from eating a lot (so, yay, Lactaid does seem to help?). I had a bit of gas, but not a lot (though I woke up with some, again). I felt peckish afterwards, but it didn't feel like actual hunger. I probably could have had more water, but didn't want to wake up to pee.

    Today's lunch is awesome. I woke up early and baked 4 small burger patties (baking is SO MUCH SIMPLER, but I guess it's harder to control the done-ness if you don't want "well"). Hulky got the rest of the shredded cheese, a bun, and two small patties for lunch, plus a banana. I hope that's enough, I didn't have any starches prepared to go with it. My lunch is two small burger patties, a nuked sweet potato (I splashed a little coconut oil on it after scooping it out of the skin, but forgot cinnamon), apple, banana, and, pooding. I'm gonna munch on my 2 brazil nuts right now and then go grab the pooding from the fridge. Mmmm. Poop.

    I think, starting soon, I am going to go a week or two without regular potatoes. I don't eat other nightshades very often. I want to see if that helps with this recent bloating. I am still supplementing Vitamin C again. It helped get things going yesterday. I forgot to take the colostrum this morning. I am running low on 5-HTP and my vitacost order isn't due till Saturday. I hope I have enough.

    My arms are much less sore today, but it's supposed to thunderstorm again, so we probably won't get out to do pull-ups. I have noticed lately that the larger cast iron pan seems heavier and I think my wrists got weaker after I stopped playing with the kettlebell occasionally. I did some swings with it the other day, it felt pretty good and not tiring at all (probably too light for swings), but I don't know how my form was.

    Hulky's mustache really amplifies his ridiculous expressions. I still need to get a photo, just in case he never sports a mustache again. He had to shave the rest of his face this morning and had run out of shaving cream, so I had him use some of my Yes to Cucumber (paraben & SLS-free) conditioner. He said it felt like dry shaving, but his face felt great afterwards (to me). I might get him to try coconut oil. Neither one should require that he use lotion after, but he did anyway.

    So, chlorine seriously messes with my hair & scalp health. After swimming on Sunday, my scalp was getting progressively grungier with every shower. The essential oil doggy "shampoo" I'm using wasn't helping. I used my shampoo bar (essential oils, coconut milk, other good stuff) last night and the doggy shampoo after and my hair feels great today. I guess I will have to make it a point to use the shampoo bar after swimming.

    I'm not sure if I should bleach my hair this weekend, after my trim, or wait till next weekend. I don't think I'll dye my hair until next weekend either way. I want to give it a week to make sure I can get all the dye off my scalp before the party and make sure my hair won't "bleed" when/if I swim. I am still undecided on color.
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  8. #4478
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    I has teh thoughtz *trigger warning - self-injury*

    As noted in this entry's title, it comes with a trigger warning for self-injury.

    Last night, I was watching an episode or two of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (so, um, spoiler warnings too?). In the episodes, the character Willow, who has been a witch for several seasons, is dealing with quitting "magic". She, for all intents and purposes, became addicted to the use of magic, to the point that she endangered Buffy's little sister just to get a fix. As Willow's friends pack away all tools that she might have used to perform magic and Willow adjusts to the slower ways of doing things, she struggles with temptation. I was surprised at how much with this resonated in me with my experience of giving up cutting. I'd have to re-watch the episode to jot down some of specific references and dialogue (I might do that & discuss this in a blog post) that really seemed to fit. The sense of "just this once" is something that I think every addict deals with at some point during recovery. It stopped me from quitting for a while.

    The main thing that seemed familiar to me was the temptation that lingers, even after so many years. If I ever got in a really low place again and Hulky wasn't in the picture anymore, I can easily imagine myself "relapsing". The reason why I see cutting as an addiction to me is something the character Xander said: "Relapse is part of recovery." I didn't think I was "addicted" to the behavior for a long time, but the difficulty with which I had to give it up pretty much proves that. There was this warm feeling I got, not physically warm, but something that felt like buzzing inside of me, when some of the characters were talking about getting used to living without the familiar behavior. It's a feeling I think I used to have when I would disassociate from my surroundings & cut myself. Feeling it last night, I didn't feel like I was in any "danger", but it was strange to have that feeling come up without a direct trigger in my life (some traumatic event). It's a familiar feeling, which makes it seem safe, but I know what it means for me so it made me uneasy at the same time.

    One of the things that made it easier for me to distance myself from cutting as an option (sometime in the last year, one of those miraculous revelations just made me feel like it was never going to be an option again) was to tell myself, "I am an ex-cutter." This statement has more of a concrete feeling to me than "I used to cut."

    It's been 7 years since I quit, with 2 relapses since then (last one being 5 years ago). I'm pretty fucking proud.
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  9. #4479
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    You should be proud. I never cut, but I think that it may also be like people giving up certain foods. The longer away from it, the easier to avoid it. It is like your brain stops seeing some things as food. I can smell bread and enjoy the smell but have no impulse or desire to eat it. Maybe this how you are with cutting. You can remember all the parts that you "enjoyed" if that is the right word for it? But in actuality, you would not go through with it. You know it is not good for you. Don't know if this comparison works for you, but may be another way to think about it.

  10. #4480
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    In a way, yeah, I can see how it would be similar. I don't think it was anything like a chemical release that I was addicted to (caused by the act of cutting) and I think people with food addictions aren't necessarily addicted to the chemical response in their body (esp. w/ the consumption of sugary foods). It really can be "all in your head" in a completely psychological way. I also don't think that makes it any less of a legitimate problem (not saying you're saying that, just thinking aloud). I think a familiar action can be enough to cause addiction. This comes up on the forum sometimes with discussions of binge behavior. I wanted cutting to be a release, and so it was.

    I think the kind of "ghost" of an impulse (what I felt last night) will always be there for me. I can't hold a single-edged razor without thinking about what I could do/have done with one. Maybe it will change over more time, but I'm fine knowing the impulse is there without feeling a real need to act on it. At the height (or depth) of my depression & cutting behavior, I definitely saw it as a need, but as the years went by, I could see it as a "want", and then say, "I don't need it."
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