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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 43

  1. #421
    namelesswonder's Avatar
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  2. #422
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    I haven't been able to access the site until just now all morning! My day's amusement has been severely set back. And no, I didn't get more work done because there was simply no work to do.

    Last night: I started to feel very ill in the afternoon and rushed straight home after work (so I hope to go to the grocery store after work today). I felt foggy in my head, like the lack of focus I get with a headcold, without the headcold. My boyfriend put me straight to bed and I slept for 3 hours. I had the grogginess of too-long-nap after and ate a sweet potato with butter because it's all I felt I could stomach. I warmed up a mug of whole milk & added a spoonful of honey. I don't remember having that as a child, but it made me feel very nostalgic, so I guess I did. It was tasty. I hope to try this with non-ultra-pasteurized milk sometime, but don't have access to that right now. I had a hard time falling asleep because of the nap. Getting out of bed was especially hard this morning. I have no idea what came over me yesterday, but I felt like all the will and energy was sapped out of me.

    Today I feel empty. I feel detached. My focus is okay, better than it has been, but I feel so weird that it hardly matters. Today is my first day of Theanine & GABA calm (sublingual, the peppermint is a bit overwhelming for me unfortunately). I need to take my second dose of each now. Since my headspace is weird to begin with, leftover from yesterday's weird illness I guess, I can't really use today to see how it affects my anxiety except for the drive home (the drive to work I was really scatterbrained so that made me more anxious than I probably was to begin with). I noticed that as my anxiety increases, my blushing becomes worse. Today I did not blush when I spoke up to the rest of the IT group about a joke, so I think that's a good sign. Yesterday, I blushed hard at the attention. I also took 4 capsules of fish oil (closer to 2g of the fatty acids, maybe more like 1.5) because I read something recently about how that helped someone with nasal congestion. I think it helps mine minimally. I always have nasal congestion now and it is quite annoying. It seems unlikely that I'm allergic to anything I'm eating now. It doesn't ever seem especially worse.

    No 'Poo: My hair smells musty and looks clumpy (though it feels okay, just the usual kind of grimy). That is not helping with my overall drifty mood/headspace. I can't wait to get home & wash my hair. It felt squeaky in the shower so I thought it would be okay. No such luck. I am going to do a BS/ACV wash after work & use the cool air setting on my blow dryer for a bit. I don't like how much longer it takes to get my hair to dry like this. I would like to get some sulfate/silicone free shampoo from Whole Foods this weekend to see how that makes my hair feel.

    Food: Yesterday I could not eat. I wonder if the drumsticks I made went bad before I cooked them? Nothing sounds appealing today, but I am vaguely hungry. I had a 4-egg omelette with cheese this morning to try and hold me over until dinner. I am starting to feel ill again, on top of a bit hungry. It's not a queasy feeling, but almost feverish, without the heat. I am going to have to fight hard not to fall asleep before 10pm tonight, or if I do, stay in bed until the morning!
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  3. #423
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    Have you tried dry-shampooing? You can poof a little face powder onto your scalp with a blush-brush and then brush it out really good. My hair is tempermental curly/wavy so I have to avoid sulfates/silicones to prevent frizz. I used to like the Burt's Bees shampoo, but it's really watered down. Right now I like Nature's Gate because it's cheap, thick, and smells like balsam!
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  4. #424
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    I haven't tried dry shampooing yet because I haven't gone looking for a product that's "natural". What is face powder made of (what kind of face powder are we talking about)? I used dry baking soda once in a hurry and it definitely helped de-clump my hair, but it didn't feel good. My hair is super straight & fine so I do all I can to add a bit of body (but I've never been one to bother with "product" except when I had a mohawk and short/spiky hair). Whatever I use I do want to go the cheap yet natural route, so that rules out the aerosol options.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
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  5. #425
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    The GABA might be partially at fault for the detached feeling. When I ODd on it, I was pretty spacy the next day. Just a thought for you to ponder.

    I hate how easily I blush! I can say almost anything (which is really entertaining since I don't look like someone who could) but I frequently can't without blushing. Maybe that's why I like writing. Less blushing.

    I couldn't get in this morning either- I was distressed! What am I supposed to do at work if I can't be here?!

  6. #426
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    That'd be unfortunate if the dose of GABA is too much, since I haven't found a sublingual formula that comes in a lower dose. I don't feel as detached today, just kind of ponderous and bored (which is usually how I feel at work), so maybe it was just from the weird sleep things happening.

    I didn't get to bed as early as I wanted to last night. Damn my Skyrim addiction! I was in bed around midnight. Boyfriend was mad at me, I stepped over the line and inappropriately expressed my irritation about some things he does, so he slept in the other bedroom. My mind took some time to wind down, but I experimented with sleeping without a pillow. I think his bed is too soft for my back. I felt a bit sore in the morning, but I feel fine now. I will keep experimenting sans pillow. Boyfriend's back is pretty bad again and he can't get in for a catscan yet because his doc is stupid and didn't forward the papers the radiology dept needs to make the appointment. I was hoping that sleeping in the other bed (which is firmer, but very comfortably firm IMO) would help his back, but perhaps not yet.

    Tonight I intend to stop playing video games at 10pm, and then read. I have a couple of books that I actually want to read, and one of them is already started. That usually helps my mind wind down for bed. The plus side of my sleeping alone last night is I felt no pressure to get out of bed, but also was not inclined to stay in bed. My alarm went off at 7:30am and I spent 20min staring at the ceiling and going into child's pose occasionally, just thinking and blinking so I would not go back to sleep. It felt nice to take some time to stretch out and not worry about waking boyfriend by moving about. I wish he'd get up at the same time every morning (or with me), which he claims to like doing, but hasn't done this semester. Oh well, he is dealing with a lot right now, from the chest pain and the back pain, to missing a lot of class and being in danger of failing courses because of his ailments. I need to focus on supporting him and worrying less about the vices that concern me, for now.

    No 'Poo: I washed my hair with BS/ACV last night. I don't think the ACV works well for my hair, no matter how little I use. It just instantly gets clumpy. I need to find/use something else. I scrubbed/"washed" with my sulfate/silicone-free conditioner from WF this morning and my hair feels okay. Not too grimy, not stinky, and not clumpy. I REALLY need to get that round brush though, and my helmet lining desperately needs a soak (it's stinky like ketosis breath/dirty hair).

    Food: Last night I made burgers with some cheese. They were slightly over-cooked, but I blame that on our broiler, which is difficult to access. We have a broiler under the oven, but because the handle on the broiler door is thick, it keeps the door from opening flat and you can't pull the broiler pan/rack out easily. I experimented with adding an egg to the ground beef, which I've never done before. I don't think I mixed it well enough, but I liked what it did with the consistency. I had another mug of warm milk with honey. I figure this is a pretty harmless & pleasant indulgence, though it probably has more sugar than the dark chocolate I was binge-eating on previously. The milk will be finished up tonight. I'll save it for my reading time. Maybe I'll get some goat's milk at WF over the weekend and try that (also want to get some local honey).

    This morning I did not feel like eating, which seems to be happening a lot lately, though I definitely get hungry later. Nothing sounded appealing, but I had my small glass of water with VitD & B12, showered, took the rest of my supps (first doses of Theanine & GABA calm for the day, 4 capsules of fish oil though I wanted to take 5, I just couldn't swallow another), and ate 3 eggs over easy (2 were perfect, the last was a little dry/burnt from running low on bacon grease). I really want to try baking something in a cast iron, it's so perfectly non-stick right now, but I don't want it to come out bacon-y since I'd want to bake something dessert-like!

    Still no KBs. I will walk around today during my lunch break if it's not raining. I am coming to realize that I should not worry about not exercising. Yes, it helps me feel good, but right now I am working on my head & proper food. If I do some swings or push-ups, great. If I don't, that's okay. I know my body liked/worked well on a breakfast & dinner schedule, so I hope to get it back to that.

    Head: Bored & ponderous. I don't feel happy, but I don't feel sad. I don't like feeling so neutral. Maybe it IS related to the GABA calm. I will try it for a few more days before I try without and see how I feel. I feel like writing so I think I will write out some of my concerns & frustrations in my written journal. I need to think about how to appropriately express my frustrations with other people, but I think in the end it will be best if I keep my concerns to myself. Boyfriend already knows what I'm concerned about and why, and if he doesn't act on those things, then that's a battle for later on that I hope we never get to (because it would mean that I've grown & improved myself and he has not). Little anxiety, big improvement over last week, especially considering I had to take the scooter today & it might rain (riding in the rain is SCARY, I can't see much in the dark because my visor doesn't stay clear & the helmet fogs easily).

    Blushing: I blush when I read sometimes, but not when I write Knowing I'm blushing probably makes me blush harder. Male teachers used to make me blush, not necessarily because I was attracted to them, but because my anxiety made me uncomfortable with them. They could be the nicest most father-figure-like teacher ever and I would blush if they addressed me. Embarrassing! I've somewhat come to terms with the blushing, which is why it surprised me the other day, and that's when I realized I hadn't been blushing as much lately. My mom blushes a lot too. It's funny how similar we are. I wish I could convince her to try to manage her brain the way I am.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  7. #427
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    Also I write a LOT here. I don't worry about it anymore because I find it therapeutic. I find it comforting that people who are on similar journeys for health are reading about my life (maybe skimming, but that's okay) and sympathising or caring at all. The anonymity makes me more comfortable and it is more helpful to know that someone is reading it than to keep it to myself, even if they don't say anything.
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  8. #428
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Also I write a LOT here. I don't worry about it anymore because I find it therapeutic. I find it comforting that people who are on similar journeys for health are reading about my life (maybe skimming, but that's okay) and sympathising or caring at all. The anonymity makes me more comfortable and it is more helpful to know that someone is reading it than to keep it to myself, even if they don't say anything.
    I said it once, and I'll say it again.. This is your journal, and I love the update I get every day on how you're doing. Keep strong. I don't get mad at my wife, in fact, I had a choclate cupcake with chocoloate chips smothered in caramel sauce yesterday because my wife worked very hard on making them.

    Sure I got fat from it. The happiness I gave my wife when I showed her that I haven't really changed as a person was more than enough to give her the boost of confidence that she deserves.

    Every day she brings up the fact that most people who try to lose weight in marriages want better sex partners or to cheat on their wives. This is tough for her. Just give your boyfriend some time.
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  9. #429
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    ^Good words, friend. My brain is iffy right now so I can't think to say much more than that.

    I called boyfriend to check in and he was very distant. Sometimes he sounds like that when he's upset with me (he has a rule that even if he hangs up on me, he will always answer my calls), sometimes when he's in a lot of pain. It could be both right now. I tried to apologize basically for being too pushy and not being supportive enough with the back/school stuff lately, but my brain shut down and I started to get really upset (he said I don't need to help him, which just makes me feel like he does not understand what it means to have support from a partner during difficult times). I had to fight the urge to cry for my whole walk outside. I took another GABA-calm when I got back in a started to calm down while I was writing in my journal, but now I feel fairly depressed. I haven't taken second dose of L-Theanine yet (taking it now).

    (potential) Contributing factors: not enough sleep lately, not enough veggies lately, too much sugar lately, still need extra Tyrosine (my week off from it ends tomorrow), period approaches (within the next week, I forgot to mark it on my calendar so hopefully it won't be an inopportune surprise), one of the new supps is no good for me. Sleep, veggies, and less sugar are things I can work with. We'll see if the Tyrosine helps tomorrow (starting at a smaller dose again).

    My mental clarity is pretty good, I can focus well enough, but I just feel very drained and like the focus is not worth the effort. Here's to hoping the evening does not end in tears and boyfriend is not being distant when I get home.
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  10. #430
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Here's to hoping the evening does not end in tears and boyfriend is not being distant when I get home.
    When he comes home today, just give him a big hug! Guys get little hints from big actions. Not the other way around, haha.

    Gawd I need to stop posting on your blog!!
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