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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 38

  1. #371
    drssgchic's Avatar
    drssgchic is offline Senior Member
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    Call me crazy, but some punches shouldn't be rolled with. I'm not good with relationships (maybe why I'm single? Hmm) but I DO know that you're not supposed to take your frustrations out on your loved ones. Not that I haven't been guilty of it, but I know it's not good. Venting is one thing. Calling you a jerk as way of apology? Project much?

    Only you can figure out if this relationship is more positive than negative, but you need to think about it. It's not a matter of keeping score. It's a question of whether it is helping or hindering you. Being single is hard. Particularly if you're used to being in a relationship. I'm just saying this because I know what damage other people can do to people like us without trying- frequently without even knowing they did it. You are strong- because you're healing- but you're still fragile because of all the damage done in the past. I just don't want to see you backslide because he's a turd.

    In the meantime- if you get him to lay on his belly, you can kneel over him to use your bodyweight to dig deeper. Might help. Also- glad to know I'm not the only one with suddenly chapped lips. You can end up dependant on chapstick if your body decides it doesn't need to moisturize any more. However- if I can find my blinkin' chapstick, I'm busting it out. I can't take it anymore!

  2. #372
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    namelesswonder is online now Senior Member
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    Oh the relationship is overall positive, it's just these situation to situation deals that I can't figure out. I would consider going back to therapy just for this, but it wasn't any help before when I'd try to work out what to do. When I get exceptionally frustrated or depressed after/because of an argument or moment of tension with my boyfriend, I do sometimes think "Is it really worth this? Do I really want to stay with him if he's going to behave so childish sometimes?" But I do want to stay with him and I do think it's worth it. Things have definitely gotten better in the way that I handle these moments, I just have to remember that it takes time. If he continues to be a dick and does not improve himself, however, that lease may not be getting renewed next year. It's a two-way street, but I think it's not worth reminding him since then I just sound accusatory. He'll either work it out on his own, or he won't, and that'll be that. His overall attitude has improved quite a bit since we've been together. He has a lot more patience with people now. I will continue to try to let my behavior and responses be the light for him (if he's flipping out and I respond calmly and/or walk away from the situation, I'm pretty sure it will flip some switches for him at some point).

    I've definitely taken my frustrations out on him, but I always make an effort to apologize for it later. Sure, it doesn't undo my mean moments, but I just want him to understand that I now know what I did/said was stupid and I will learn from it. That's the point of an apology, in my view. Maybe he doesn't get that. Maybe next time I apologize for something, I will sound it out completely. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier, I regret letting myself get overemotional and not walking away before I said something hurtful. I'm hoping that by saying this to you now, this may not happen in the future." Sounds silly, but I can imagine it being effective, especially in that if there's a next time, I would be rather embarrassed by having to say it again!

    His chest pain: I will gladly brainstorm with him, but not when he's being irritable. With all of the shit that I've had to try to figure out with myself, I went through the same problem he has gone through so many times: doctors just don't have the answers. Obviously this is not true 100% of the time for 100% of all possible problems, but it has largely been the case for me. I think that he is not going to really see improvement until he chooses to educate himself and take his health into his own hands (and I am SURE his irritability would decrease with a proper diet). But I love him anyway, and part of why I love him is his intensity and passion. He needs to make the decision to heal himself before I can truly help him.

    Thanks for the concern guys I'm not worried about backsliding because I already feel over it for the most part and I am able to keep in mind all of the progress I've made these past 4 months. I think I'll try not to post on here when it's been within an hour of some kind of argument or whatever that was. It helps me process the situation to write it out (for example, this post, where I decided that I'm not going to bring it up), but for my sake, I am going to make a renewed effort to put those frustrations in my written journal. It's just as effective for my brain and it's good practice for my creativity. Also my leather-bound journal is pretty and I write with a fountain pen =D
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  3. #373
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    I love my leather-bound journal. But a fountain pen . . . hmm . . . I agree- writing things out is useful. I need to do more of it.

    I'm glad things are good. I was probably reading too much into it. I have . . . wierd . . . reading habits and that can bleed over into reality. It sounds like you've got a good handle on the situation.

  4. #374
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    namelesswonder is online now Senior Member
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    I have GOT to get away from the computer screen before bed. Tonight is another night where I won't be doing that because we have a raid scheduled and unfortunately they must be 10pm to midnight because most of our raid group is on the west coast. Even just an hour earlier would be so much better! I got caught up in some silly things in WoW yesterday and did not get to bed early. Then I was not able to fall asleep until boyfriend came to bed and warmed me up.

    Day 2 of No-Poo: Fought with the desire to shower and decided not to. My hair feels dirty, but not unmanageable. I might comb some BS through the roots to loosen it up a little.

    Off to the chiropractor. Plus side to today: "working from home" in the AM because my appointment is at 10! I got to sleep in till 8:30.

    I'm a little hungry, but skipping breakfast. More on food later.
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  5. #375
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    Chiropractor: very good visit. He used his big massager on me so my back feels at least minimally better. My left side is super tense, and my tense back is pulling my hips back so yyaaayyy. All kinds of messed up. I will try to get back in about a month. He recommended doing some yoga stretches that I am familiar with (cat & cow, and child's pose) to gently stretch my back. I recommended them to my boyfriend as well. He must be feeling better today because he was stretching all over the apartment (feet on the countertop in the pantry) when I got back. I love my chiro. He takes such good care of us. And my copay is only $7 with my new insurance!

    Food yesterday: I nibbled on my smoothie throughout the day, but wasn't feeling as ecstatic about it as I had been the first day. I think I am going to lay off on the protein powder for now. It's getting boring and I'm not a huge fan of the vanilla flavor. I'm not sure if I want to try their chocolate flavor or go with a different brand (but I like that one serving has 25g of protein). Dinner was stuffed acorn squash (stuffing was ground pork, onion, apple & a small handful of pecans). I added some cinnamon and I really enjoyed it. The flavors were really interesting together, especially the apple and onion. Boyfriend was not into it (too "complex" for him I think) so his dinner is my lunch today! I had two rows of my chocolate bar because I was still peckish (the apple cider I had probably didn't help), but the hunger faded once I was in bed.

    Food today: Leftovers (I scraped out the squash-half that was boyfriend's and added that to the stuffing in a tupperware), which I am really looking forward to. I opted not to go for breakfast. I was kind of hungry, but with 2 eggs in the fridge, I was really not interested in any food and a smoothie/shake did not sound appealing in the last. I went to the chiro and moving about seemed to alleviate the hungry feeling. False feelings, I think. Dinner is up in the air, but I do have a couple of pork chops defrosting in the fridge. I need more beef, but I am wary about freezing it since it all went back last time. Maybe I'll stick with the steak strips or something, since those have been fine in the past.

    Getting outside felt good, if only for a little while. I walked to and from the train station for my chiropractor appointment. I enjoyed the sunshine and beautiful weather we're having today. I took a couple of pictures on my phone as reminders that I want to go back with my camera sometime.

    Supplements: I ordered VitD drops, B-12 drops, and 5-HTP online yesterday. It will probably arrive sometime next week. I am excited about using these and monitoring myself for changes.

    I had some very loose stools yesterday immediately after eating dinner. I haven't a clue what it could have been from. I'll worry about it only if it occurs again within the next couple of days, but my stomach feels fine today and I'm not having any gas.
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  6. #376
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    Day 3 of No-Poo: "washed" with BS/ACV. My hair is still drying, but it feels okay. Definitely less of a filmy/greasy feeling than the last time I washed it this way. Hopefully I can go longer next time, but I'm sure I'll need to let my scalp adjust to the lack of chemicals for a few weeks. A bit more blue rinsed out, but it's still looking pretty awesome

    Yesterday's food: Dinner was alone, since boyfriend had a soccer dinner. I was happy to find that he took my advice and made the pork chops I was defrosting with the rest of our mushrooms and eggs. Then he went and had pasta & pizza at his soccer banquet >< Oh well, one step at a time. Leaving him good food is at least one way to get him on-board. I am much more confident with my microwave's defrost options now and was able to defrost and cook some delicious chicken thighs (in BACON GREASE), sided with broccoli (with olive oil & salt). I was still hungry after and had a spoonful of CO. I was still hungry after that, and it felt like the "fake" hunger I had yesterday, but water didn't help. I had 2 pieces of pumpkin pie (without the crust) and a row from my chocolate bar (just hoping to kill the hungry feeling, did not really enjoy it) and it was not until we got into bed that the hungry feeling went away. I am getting quite annoyed with my stomach. I should have had my last sweet potato.

    Boyfriend's issues: His back is back to "normal" apparently, and it's just his chest pain that was bothering him/freaking him out. He went to the doctor again this morning and the pain had subsided a lot. The doctor then pressed into his abdomen in a particular area, which hurt boyfriend a LOT, and determined that it may be a colon issue. I suspect it may have something to do with his digestive system! I really hope whoever he sees next suggests an elimination diet!!!

    Back: Still very sore. I'm focusing as much as I can on posture at all times today. I really want to move about this weekend, including changing the oil on the scooter and helping my dad clean the garage so my scooter can get stored for the winter at some point. I took 600mg of Ibuprofen this morning and I feel like it has helped me feel a little more mobile. I will take more this evening if my back feels absolutely terrible again (which seems to happen every evening after a day on my feet moving about), and continue doing that for a week before I consider getting help for the pain. Hopefully it's alleviated by then.

    +a million primal points: Because someone on another forum I go to asked me about paleo and asked for some tips! She said she only wants to do it for 2 weeks to let her gut heal from a bug she had. I spilled out a ton of information (including links to my journal here and MDA's 101 info) including encouragement to try it for at least 3 weeks, if not a whole month. She's lost a lot of weight over the past year (there's a general support "weight loss" thread on that forum that I post in for general health, but I don't update often, usually just there for support) eating pretty well, with lots of healthy fats, protein & veggies, but she does eat fruit & grains. She learned recently that dairy makes her break-out, so that's at least a step in the right direction. I hope I don't scare her off and she gives it a try... For some reason she thought paleo is deficient in nutrients?

    Today's food: Too tired for breakfast and we're out of eggs & bacon (I know, a crime), so I skipped. Feeling okay, just that vague hunger. I don't have lunch prepared so I'm toughing it out until dinner with my family at an Iranian restaurant (dad is 56 today). It's a kebab place so there will be meat & veggies, but TONS of rice. If necessary, I will leave hungry and defrost some meat and have my SP at home so I don't eat too much rice. I DEFINITELY need to stock up on some veggies (my mom recommended Trader Joes for some frozen peppers & such, I think I will go this weekend and check that out).

    Overall feelings: I feel much recovered from last week's failures and Monday's wheaty-products. My energy is back to normal aside from the continued difficulty getting out of bed and awake feeling as soon as I climb under the covers at night. I am happy to be back on track and really looking forward to seeing how I feel in 2 weeks as long as I can keep this up! My goal is to stay clean and 100% primal until Thanksgiving. If there's anything worth indulging on at that time, I will do so with a clean conscience.
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  7. #377
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    Sounds like you're on track! That's great!

    It does take some time to adjust. I started no 'poo when I went to visit my parents for a week. Mom was probably wondering if she'd end up with another kid that looked like a bum, but it did let me just let it go without worrying about icking out my coworkers. As it is now, I probably am letting it go longer than I should to look really "bathed," but I figure as long as it doesn't smell, they can deal with the look.

    Be careful with painkillers to let you move. Sometimes it's necessary to work through "I don't want to" pain, but since your back seems to be more than just a muscle issue, you might want to be careful about numbing the natural indicator that you've had enough.

    (I just realized that I sound like your mother in your journal- it's not personal! I tend to mother-hen.)

  8. #378
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    Quote Originally Posted by drssgchic View Post
    Sounds like you're on track! That's great!

    It does take some time to adjust. I started no 'poo when I went to visit my parents for a week. Mom was probably wondering if she'd end up with another kid that looked like a bum, but it did let me just let it go without worrying about icking out my coworkers. As it is now, I probably am letting it go longer than I should to look really "bathed," but I figure as long as it doesn't smell, they can deal with the look.

    Be careful with painkillers to let you move. Sometimes it's necessary to work through "I don't want to" pain, but since your back seems to be more than just a muscle issue, you might want to be careful about numbing the natural indicator that you've had enough.

    (I just realized that I sound like your mother in your journal- it's not personal! I tend to mother-hen.)
    Pain isn't something you want to ignore anyway. Coming from the therapist, you don't want to live on pain meds.

    Make your boyfriend give you a back rub ;-)

    If it doesn't go away, it's time to ask your chiropractor for an x-ray or something.
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  9. #379
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    Okay okay, so I will talk to my doctor and/or chiropractor if I'm still in a lot of pain next week. It's less uncomfortable just sitting today, so that is an improvement anyway!

    I appreciate the mother-henning! It's nice to have people who care about me and understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, instead of worrying about how many grains I'm eating (my mom). At the very least, my mom understands the importance of an elimination diet, so it's something. Funny thing: I remembered recently that my dad lost a bunch of weight several years ago (probably 10yrs at this point, I don't remember) by cutting out bread. He ate a lot of salads, and probably not a lot of meat, but I'm pretty sure he started every day off with an omelette (realized recently that I always make my "omelets" feminine, oh well!), lunch was always a BAS, and he always had salad with dinner too. HMMMMM...
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  10. #380
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    A couple of things I think I forgot to mention:

    -Doctors: My pcp emailed me back finally and recommended that I talk to another doctor at her office about adrenal fatigue & such. She also suggested that I might have an overgrowth of yeast in my system based on my symptoms. I read it with a roll of the eyes and a sigh and am not decided if I want to follow up with those doctors or go it alone. She also referenced my sleep issues from over the summer. I have not had any sleep apnea issues (waking up feeling like I'd stopped breathing, gasping for breath) for a couple of years IIRC, but I wonder how soundly I'm sleeping, even with 5-HTP knocking me out. I think I will find out how much the insurance might cover for a sleep study, just to know, but I imagine it will be expensive and I won't bother doing it. I think I will get a buckwheat pillow to rule out support issues while sleeping, since I tried one before and it was very comfortable for my neck.

    -Medical records: I recently called up the hospital I was in after my suicide attempt in '04 to get a status on my request for medical records. They had sent a form to my home address, despite me putting my new address on the form... Anyway, the forwarding FINALLY got it through to me...the day I called (found it after I called). I faxed it in, they called later to say it was too faded to read. I faxed it again today and forgot to call, so I'll call Monday and find out if it's legible this time. Only a few weeks to a month away from finding out what I did to myself back then!
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