Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 356

[namelesswonder]

There is less than 6g in what I ate, I think.

[Kymma]

Pot has always helped my depression. As a treatment plan? Self medicating only takes you so far. Inner work is the only long term method. I've got 17 years of self medication and 5 years of inner work to compare. BUT you have to let people figure their shit out theirselves. Which is hard for me the control freak. Hence the depression and anxiety, lol.

[Kymma]

NW, I used the owl totem to remind myself to become the observer and deal with my anxiety. Just a thought, I am on to the willow totem now.

[namelesswonder]

I'm not familiar with this totem concept you are referring to. It is hard for me also to let go of other people's choices for treatment. I worry about my sister and feel frustrated that she does not even acknowledge my advice, let alone take it into consideration. It's not like I don't have experience with the same issues! Sssiiiggghhh. Let it go.

Photo spam!
I swung by the Nordstrom Rack (clothes discounted for damage or discontinued styles from Nordstrom) on the way home from jury duty. I found this cute peplum style dress. It was $23. I didn't buy it, but now I know that I can totally rock this style.

My legs always get all splotchy when they haven't seen sunlight in a while ><.


I would have had to cover mah nips in some way with this dress, with that open back (would not want to wear a bra). It was a little short, but I think I could manage it. Very soft. I can apparently wear a size small in some styles, still.

Ssiiigghh. Had no occasion to buy it and money must be reserved for gas in the next 2 days, so it went back on the rack. Goodbye, adorable dress. I noted the brand (Lush), but have not found it online yet. The color was listed as "cobalt", which is my favorite along with basically any shade of purple.

Jury duty was less stressful today. My lunch was a small container of almond butter (2-3 tbsp), a MacIntosh apple, a banana, a Larabar (and another for a snack), and 4 provolone & salami roll-ups. Would have been good with a little mustard, but I don't use it for hardly anything, so not worth buying. Snack/lunch tomorrow will be much the same, except maybe half an orange for the snack. I may have to stay the whole day, but we won't know until things get going tomorrow.

I think I might roast a chicken tonight. My mom lent me her vertical roaster. I'm nervous! Last time I tried to roast a chicken, I bugged Finnegan's Wake about it the whole time because the damn thing just wouldn't cook in the middle.

[Kymma]

I use totems as reminders. There are all kinds of symbolism in objects, animals, plants, so it is best to envision things you feel drawn to, that mean something. Let's take the owl. For instance, I have always lived my life like a hawk, constantly circling and hunting, going after what I want, but in constant motion, anxious. So I visualized how to best handle my anxiety when it comes up. I saw the owl, sitting there observing the world, not anxious, just watching. The owl spots something it wants, and with laser accuracy gets it. When the anxiety starts to build, I become the observer, the owl, by asking questions, but not engaging emotionally, I am sitting on the branch observing, not flying around like the hawk actively engaging, just watching. What is bothering me? What is happening? Is my heart rate going up, is my mind flying around, can I pinpoint a thought. If I can stay in interest mode, I can sometimes find the core issue. Am I worried that if I spend $2 that I might forget to write it down and then I will incur a charge if something bounces and then I won't be about to pay next month's mortgage and if that happens I'll be behind for a few months and if the car breaks, then in 6 months, why, we could be homeless. If I can find the trigger, fear that I won't write it down, then I can observe that isn't going to happen bc I send myself a quick email or put the receipt where I need to, then I can disengage from the emotional whirlwind and the anxiety quiets. If I cannot find the core, then I can work backwards and at least figure out that the intense feeling is false and start to get rid of it. I will not be homeless in 6 months because nothing is happening in this moment to make that happen. It also helps pull me back into the here and now, not some fearful future. It can also be as simple as touching the pendant to bring me to the now.

I'll talk about the willow some in the coming weeks in my journal as I explore what it means to me. This totem is because I have lived like the oak, strong, proud, in control, the protector of the forest, making sure everything was alright, but almost falling in some of the storms of my life. Very masculine energy that I need to balance. The willow is flowing, gorgeous, blows in all winds, calm or fierce. I am learning to be the willow, the wise woman of the forest, not the protector force of it.

Hope that clarifies what I mean, it is just a symbol that helps me cope.

[Kymma]

and you look fucking hot in that dress and I think you should tell Hulky if he has a spare $25 you promise you will make him holler!

[namelesswonder]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Kymma. I recognize my own thought patterns & strategies in what you wrote. Finding the core concern & separating myself from the anxiety is what I am trying to do with the idea of "I don't want to do this" vs. "I can't do this." Recognizing the choices I am making as just that makes it easier for me to say, "Okay, time to make a different choice."

I don't get into spiritual stuff here much, but I have been feeling a connection to imagery of ravens & crows for the past several months. I have not yet looked into what that means to me or common associations with those birds.

I forgot to send the picture to Hulky. Feel like a jerk, I put it on MDA and Facebook before even asking him what he thought. I am sure he would love it and that I would not be allowed to wear it for long in his presence . I don't have the energy to go out for it tonight, but if he is insistent, I may at least stop by tomorrow & look for it.

[canio6]

and you look fucking hot in that dress and I think you should tell Hulky if he has a spare $25 you promise you will make him holler!

Uh, yeah, this and more of this.

[namelesswonder]

Interesting, Hulky said he prefers me in "other styles". I thought it was similar to other dresses I've worn (and he's loved seeing me in). Hmmm. Odd man.

[drssgchic]

Other than The Raven of Poe's fame, Odin's were named Thought and Memory, I believe.