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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 35

  1. #341
    namelesswonder's Avatar
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    Primal Fuel
    To keep this more about me...we'll just say that I'm frustrated with my boyfriend's choices this morning, especially since they caused me to have disrupted sleep and he is missing class for a stupid reason.

    Moving on.

    I definitely think that the 5-HTP was helping to stabilize my moods because I feel like I'm a lot more irritated by things in general right now. Then again, I have my period, so who knows how that's fucking with me. I had my "break through" last week after I stopped taking the 5-HTP so maybe it was my body going through the reserves? I am going to try to wait until next week to see how I feel overall before I buy more.

    Today is the first off day of Lexapro. If I don't remember to do every other day, I'll just stop taking it MWF. I guess maybe I should get the 5-HTP to help with the withdrawal effects. I'm tempted to suffer through them first, as I have done before, but I'm also worried about doing damage that will take longer to repair.

    And I was thinking to myself "Goal for the week: eat cleanly so this weekend's splurge of pizza and candy will not take as long to recover from" but last night was tough. Boyfriend got home late and couldn't go to class because he was with his mom at the hospital (she is experiencing random excruciating abdominal pain) so I picked up a frozen pizza and had a beer. Man, even Killians Red isn't as good as it used to be and it used to be one of my FAVORITES. The raid went well, anyway!

    Goal for the day: Get groceries whether boyfriend wants to or not (aka. get his car key and fucking GO), make a wholesome dinner, don't forget to take water bottle to work (my lips are still very dry lately and at this point I think it's a combination of dehydration and the changing weather).

    I am eating breakfast today (3-egg omelette and a shake...maybe bacon) and IFing through lunch since we have no food.
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  2. #342
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Today is the first off day of Lexapro. If I don't remember to do every other day, I'll just stop taking it MWF. I guess maybe I should get the 5-HTP to help with the withdrawal effects. I'm tempted to suffer through them first, as I have done before, but I'm also worried about doing damage that will take longer to repair.
    Goal for the day: Get groceries whether boyfriend wants to or not (aka. get his car key and fucking GO), make a wholesome dinner, don't forget to take water bottle to work (my lips are still very dry lately and at this point I think it's a combination of dehydration and the changing weather).

    I am eating breakfast today (3-egg omelette and a shake...maybe bacon) and IFing through lunch since we have no food.
    [/QUOTE]

    All +1.

    I purposely set aside 50$ a week to eat food JUST for my self.

    If my wife comes home with more food, I shrug. It's her fault now if we spend too much money on food.

    She wants to eat out every 2 days almost, and that costs us a lot of money.

    Also, congrats on weening yourself off of lexapro!
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  3. #343
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    I'm excited to get off Lexapro (one less pill!). I wish it was a month from now so I could be well into my recovery!

    More thoughts for the day (though knowing me and my vacant schedule, I will probably post more throughout the day): I enjoyed Mark's article yesterday about supplements. Definitely makes me re-think what I want to take and what I feel is necessary for me. I do believe that my (potentially hereditary) deficiencies require me to take supplements, but I am concerned that all the L-Tryptophan or 5-HTP in the world will not solve my problems and that I will still be on them for life, either due to too drastic a reduction in serotonin levels in my teens, or from going on Celexa/Lexapro/Wellbutrin so my brain is incapable of producing its own without prompting... Even if that is the case, it will be cheaper, I will have less medical bills, and I will feel better overall. And with any luck, my sex drive will continue creeping back! It's been better on and off lately, including getting randomly aroused all on my own. Sorry, okay, I'll lay off on that. That's definitely TMI that I'm a little wary about sharing with the interwebz! Back to supplements: I will continue to take fish oil supplements a few times a day (right now, just in the AM, but I want to take them with each meal) until I can make fish a regular part of my diet every week. I just don't have the time to go out and get fish to cook that same day when I get home in the middle of rush hour.

    Going out to eat is definitely a vice of mine. Once a week is even a lot, even if it's a cheap meal. $25 for two people x 4 weeks in a month = $100 a month that could've gone towards our washer and dryer. I'm trying not to stress about it too much because we're still trying to get used to getting our own groceries & cooking our own meals regularly after living out of a mini-fridge for 6 months and being fed by our parents for the most part before that. We tend to cook the same things over and over and that gets tiresome. I REALLY need to learn how to mix up the veggies. At some point I might tell boyfriend that he will have to buy his own junk food (pasta/bread stuffs & cake/brownie mixes, as well as the occasional soda stock-up that takes him a month to finish [a minor plus]) and if he's not going to eat the food I make, he won't have to pay for it (like the spaghetti squash and sweet potatoes). But for now, we split the difference.

    For November, we are going to post our receipts on the fridge to see where we are wasting food/money and see how much we spend for the month.

    Still keeping my fingers crossed that he'll come to Maine with me for Thanksgiving with my family. I know 5hrs in a car must be intimidating (that's why he's saying he doesn't want to go, fortunately his mom doesn't want to cook for more people so he MIGHT come), but I've been making that drive periodically for my whole life and it's really quick when you have company/music/a book (I can't read in the car, get motion sick)/deprived of sleep and sleep the whole way!

    Also, after getting to work and starting my daily routine of browsing & getting work done, I feel better about my frustrations from this morning/last night. I'll probably talk to my boyfriend about it later, at least in terms of this weekend (that he needs to be mostly sober so we can take care of our guests), but having other things to do was very effective in calming me down. I feel like I handled that situation well.
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  4. #344
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    Home - Tasha Tudor and Family Vermont, not Maine. Whoops. (I have no idea where we were going- just that it was in a cute little town)

    I'll have to find the name of the book Mom gave me- it's a way readable introduction to the Stoics. I want to read some of the real ones, but philosophy is hard.

    One thing to keep in mind is that I believe depression is like cancer. It can be managed, it can go into remission, but it is now a part of you. You have seen things in yourself that most people don't. I never cut myself, but that's more because I had other ways to help my mental/emotional pain manifest physically than because I didn't consider it. Wheat being one of them, I found out. Pain is easier to deal with when it's physical. It's allowed, it's something anyone can understand because everyone has experianced it.

    That's excellent logic to allow you to hurt yourself. I mean, it helps you deal, you're not hurting anyone else, it's your body- why not? Maybe because you are hurting other people. I am sure there are people (boyfriend, parents) who hurt when they see you doing that or the results of it. I'm sure it does help temporarily. But you're getting beyond needing the easy fix for your troubles. You're getting closer to the point where you can channel that pain into action- whether it's lifting weights or researching yet another way to heal yourself. I see my wheat cravings now as a signal that something is wrong. Really wrong. And I need to address it. Maybe that's what you can see your cravings as. Just your body/mind telling you to fix something. Like thirst.

  5. #345
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    Today's IF is practically a failure even though I have not had anything to eat (just drinking water) since this morning because I'm FUCKING RAVENOUS. I'm also FUCKING PISSED because boyfriend had plenty of time to get groceries after his drunk ass got out of bed around 11am and had soccer practice at 3pm. I can't get any groceries until after he gets back because all I have is the scooter (and it's raining, so it's partially an "absolutely refuse to go" because my helmet visibility is so terrible in rain).

    I guess I could make another smoothie tonight, this time with the coconut milk that I forgot this AM. All we have is carbs (his bread junk & ramen, and my spaghetti squash & maybe a sweet potato if it hasn't gone nasty). There's some frozen meat but considering the other meat went bad, I'm hesitant to try to fast-defrost it in the sink and make meaty sauce... And mostly I'm just fucking frustrated that both of us keep procrastinating hardcore on getting some fucking food. He just got paid so it's not like *he* doesn't have any money (which is usually the case). The worst part is I could easily make due for tonight and put it off for yet another night and be just as angry at myself tomorrow. I need to get out of here ASAP.

    I just feel like crying. I know this is 90% tired and 10% annoyed at boyfriend. I am going to run away from work as early as I can (probably around 5pm) so I can curl up and cry or read.
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    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  6. #346
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    The worst part is I could easily make due for tonight and put it off for yet another night and be just as angry at myself tomorrow. I need to get out of here ASAP.

    I just feel like crying. I know this is 90% tired and 10% annoyed at boyfriend. I am going to run away from work as early as I can (probably around 5pm) so I can curl up and cry or read.
    Want to fly out to my magical bamboo forest on the West Coast? I will make us both steaks tonight and you can feed scraps to the kitty and watch her chase Benign Poltergeist around the living room.

  7. #347
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    Chin up!

    Time to cook up those sweet potato home fries and grab an EBR (emergency bacon ration.)
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  8. #348
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    Hey, if it's ToM you actually need a few more calories than normal. May not be a great time to IF, especially if it makes you "hangry" =)
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  9. #349
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    Upon re-evaluation, the best medicine is a hug. Go give your boyfriend a big hug.
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  10. #350
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    I guess this is a "primal IF" since it's not really voluntary? I hear you about the hungry/tired thing. The littlest things set me off then. *Hug* and even if it's just carbs- get some food in you. It will make the world a little easier to deal with.

    The book is A Guide to The Good Life- The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy by William B. Irvine. It's very approachable.

    5 hours? Psh. I've been doing 9 hour trips to Maine since before I was in diapers! Who's driving? Mom can't read in the car either, so she'd take hand-work- sewing or knitting usually. I usually read- in fact I read a really old version of Robin Hood one trip home. He was offed by a nun. Who knew? But I've also driven it myself a couple of times- and it's so nice to be in my own little bubble. With good music and not too much traffic- it's delightful to drive.

    I like that idea with the receipts. Because- yeah- I need to budget a little better . . .

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