Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 3

[namelesswonder]

Today is another day of me pondering my body image and self confidence/esteem. I don't look on my body fondly except at the gym, when I feel like it looks "okay". I did a rough BF% calculation online and it come in around 21%. According to CW (I forget what that stands for), that's a good percentage for fitness. Looking at my body and what other people get when they are really lean (from what I've seen around here), I'd like it to be mid-teens. But again, I still want my focus to be health and feeling good, knowing that the look I want will probably follow. I am going to try to swim today with my boyfriend around noon, but I don't know if other people will be waiting for the cleaning to finish (at noon) and my scooter is out of gas so I might not make it home let alone to the gym!

I really wasn't hungry this morning so I only had a couple spoonfuls of Greek yogurt. I got to work and my stomach started grumbling, but I didn't feel like eating so I didn't and the feeling has gone away. I always worry that something bad is happening when I wait past the hunger.

[girlarchitect]

I'm impressed if you like the look of your body when you are wrapped up in gym lycra and are hot and sweaty. It's not a look I'll ever fall in love with on myself.

I'm suffering from a negative body image thing today to. I know rationally I am doing the right things but I am focusing on the negative and that little mean gremlin in my head is making me want to climb back into bed and pull the covers over my head. Doing that will, of course, only make me feel worse, so I have to ignore him but darn it he is loud today.

hmmmm ... maybe time for some music.

I think you are right to an extent about eating when you are hungry. The problem with not eating breakfast and then finding yourself hungry in an hour or so is that you aren't actually listening to what your body is telling you. Are you skipping breakfast because you really aren't hungry or because you don't want to be hungry? Remember - in the morning you haven't eaten anything for 8-12 hours and you probably should break that fast so that you have energy for the day. Eating only two meals a day is fine but you need to get enough food or your body will decide you are starving and won't let you lose the weight.

[namelesswonder]

I don't know what it is about the gym. Maybe it's the lighting. My body always looks better there and worse at home. Granted, the cellulite (I thought that only happened to old people, but it appeared within the last year or so) shows up no matter where I am, but it seems less noticeable in the locker room and window reflections when I'm in my bathing suit at the gym.

My shoulders are really sore today, probably from the batting cages/golfing last night at the company outing and then swimming today. Oops. My back is also starting to pop a lot so I guess it's time for the chiropractor soon! Man, wanting to loose some fat is a great motivator for better posture: sitting up straight makes the tummy blob look smaller =)

I'm still going through carb flu, my typing is still pretty affected, but I feel pretty good energy-wise today. I am definitely not as unfocused as I was earlier this week. My mom tried to tempt me with french bread pizza after work, but I'm sure I can find some freezer food or leftovers when I go over before the movie.

I need to stop posting 5 million times a day. This is the problem with having my own journal thread: I dump my life into it and call it a record of fitness!

[namelesswonder]

Hmm okay one last thing and then I won't post until after breakfast tomorrow, at least!

Okay two things.

1. I'm on birth control and Lexapro. I think I forgot to post that before. The birth control is for protection, acne, and the heavy periods that come out of this small body of mine. Recently (past 2 months) I've been having breakthrough bleeding, aka. bleeding during the 3rd week when I should only be bleeding during the 4th week when I'm on the placebo pills (I don't actually take them, it's just sugar). I'm considering going on an IUD, but I'm not sure where my insurance stands with this, and getting an apartment is more important to me right now. Some BC pills give me migraines, some give me constant breakthrough bleeding. This is the only one that's worked consistently for a couple of years UP UNTIL NOW. Curses. I would go back to condoms if it weren't for the heavy periods. Maybe they'll be better when I'm eating better, but they are very stressful for me due to some accidents I had when I had just started menstruating.

2. My sex drive/desire for sex is pretty much dead in the water. Some of it is in my head, I know, because I feel pressured even when I'm not being pressured to have sex (even just intimate kisses make me want to close up/push him away), but I never get randomly horny or anything, like I used to a couple years ago. I'm hoping that dietary changes will help this/maybe I can get to the point where I'm not on Lexapro and that will stop affecting my sex drive (though I know the BC pills are too, another reason for an IUD). But I also know that I need to be a better communicator and get him to cuddle with me and shut up and stop taking charge every time. The last time I had a sex drive was for a little while last fall, when I went off BC for a bit because I was getting migraines/it was affecting my mood. I had a sex drive for a little while, and then I went back on Lexapro and it disappeared again.

[namelesswonder]

Blood results came back. Vitamin D is "a little low" and cholesterol is "a little high". Wonder what that means. Wonder how things will look once I'm eating better/more veggies and some VitD supplements.

[namelesswonder]

My eating primally is still = not eating much. I haven't had time/energy to get to the grocery store and figure out what I can/want to eat, so I think I am having a sandwich at lunch today (probably BLT mmmm). I know, bread is bad, but I'm getting fed-up with being HUNGRY.

Another morning of "eh" but I will probably scramble a couple eggs up as soon as I get dressed. Tonight is seeing an apartment that we can barely afford and then probably getting some groceries. I want me some BACON. Biggest problem I'm having right now = finding FAT. Greek yogurt with any % of fat in it does not seem to exist in my local grocery stores!

[girlarchitect]

Buy the BLT and eat the innards - lettuce, bacon, tomato smeared with mayo (yum) - and toss the toast. That's pretty primal and good solution when you haven't packed a lunch. Thanks to Atkins, tossing the bread from a sandwich is not all that strange anymore.

You don't need yogurt to get fat - in fact some people here don't eat dairy at all. Bacon will give certainly you some fat. Nom Nom Paleo shows here how to easily cook bacon and save the fat for cooking later (mmmmm delicious). Buy good fats to cook in - olive oil, coconut oil (if you can find it), butter (ideally from grass fed beef - look for Kerrygold as it is the one your grocery will most likely carry). Meat has lots of good fat - buy a steak and a couple cans of tuna packed in oil. Do you eat avocados? Lots of good fat there - cut up half of one and throw into you salads.

I can't help with the lack of energy to go shopping - you just have to do it. If you tell me you are a single mom with three kids, two jobs and volunteer to feed the homeless in your off-hours, I could be convinced that you don't have time to go to the store. If you have one job, working 12 hours a day / 6 days a week - you have time to go to the store. The time demands for shopping are really pretty minimal unless you have a long drive to and from. You will no longer be shopping in the center aisles and just running around the perimeter which is much faster. Weekends are typically great times to go shopping and do some of the cooking for the week. But, assuming the store is close, you can easily stop in for a quick pickup midweek. On weekends, I try to go early in the morning as the lines are usually short. On weekdays, it's tougher to avoid lines after work but if you can keep the food selection fast (less browsing more deliberate shopping) the line shouldn't add up to much time.

Taking care of yourself includes feeding yourself well matters - that is a core idea of primal living - and you are the only one who can make certain you get the quality of food that you need. Getting to the store is part of the effort. As I read your postings, I wonder why the effort to care for yourself is so low on your priorities. This is the one thing I'd love to see you thinking about changing more than anything else.

[namelesswonder]

Okay, I did it. I had my eggs, I didn't really enjoy them, but I felt a bit perkier for a few hours. It faded around 11AM and now I'm starting to get hungry. I don't want to cheat today, I don't want to cheat at all if I can make this work. Maybe there will be something I can pick up at Shaws during lunch.

FAT, FAT, FAT. Still having a hard time finding good fat to eat. I'm still reading PB. Some of it is starting to make sense, but it's so "science-y" at times, that my tired brain kind of goes "I got it, I got it...wait, no I don't" as the understanding slips away. I want to understand it so I can tell other people, but it's so hard to accept things that are so contrary to CW!

[namelesswonder]

GA, oh I definitely have time, but I have trained myself to make my lack of energy = no time. Yes I know I need to kick my butt into gear and just do it. I have started using olive oil and butter for my cooking mostly because that's what I have, plus it tastes better anyway. I'm down with avocado, but haven't found anything I really like to conduct salads regularly for lunch so I haven't bought any yet.

Very true that taking care of myself is kind of a low priority. I find myself taking days off work to do just that, but even then, sometimes I just sleep or take a "mental" day. This is not good at all because I have very few PTO saved up (been at this job for just over 2 months) and definitely need the moolah. I desperately want to take a vacation this summer, but there's no way I'll have enough days saved up to do it and I'm not close with anyone at work to have them donate PTO. I'm such a fatalist.

I'm tempted to stop posting because I hate that all I'm doing is whining, but if I don't keep posting, I will be less likely to encourage myself to keep doing this. I am being very pessimistic today, so that's enough for now.

[girlarchitect]

It's always a good idea to document what you are doing. I'm terrible at it but studies show people who document what they do have more success. I really should post in my journal today.

You don't need to take off time from work to go grocery shopping and you know it. In fact, I would suggest that you shouldn't. We are in the midst of a pretty awful recession and having a job means giving them 110% effort or face losing it. There are lots of people that would love to have your job. And yeah, no vacation for the first year kinda sucks but the paycheck generally makes up for it. As part of this nation's 14 million unemployed, I can assure you that you are fortunate to have the job and need to give them the very best effort you can so you might keep that job.

I know the science is a bit much and honestly I understand more the big picture than the details. I do think I have a pretty good understanding of the theories behind the lifestyle and I do read what I can to understand the theories. But I don't talk about what I'm doing with many people. My parents, brother and two close friends know. Rather than explain the details I sent them a link to this website and a couple others. I figure it's better to let them read what I've read and decide for themselves. If I promise to send a couple links, I find the conversation can move on.

In the bigger picture, I don't really every feel that I need to explain why I don't want to eat something - I just say no thanks (even when I really want to grab a couple cookies and toss them in my mouth like cookie monster). It's no one's issue or decision but mine what I eat and I figure most people really don't care what I'm eating. I hate icecream cake and always turn it down - it's really disgusting - and I find no one really cares if I don't eat it as long as they can eat it. Personally, I find talking about diet plans as to be as interesting as listening to a non-smoker hail the benefits of giving up or a born again Christian trying to convert the sinners who haven't found the light - essentially it's dead boring and there is nothing I like less than being boring.

I think this article is a great outline of primal. What I think is particularly interesting is order of what to do - hiking, sprinting and lifting weights come before food. Are you including these in your day? How is the swimming going?

Now, I must go write an entry in my journal ...