Thyroid testing: I forgot! Yeah, I haven't had a full panel done, and I would like to, just haven't gotten around to it. That, and at least asking about SIBO, would probably be worth going back in for. At least report back and say that Vitex seems to be helping my PMS symptoms.
SIBO- Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth - Welcome
Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth. An extended & strong dose of antibiotics would treat it within a few weeks. But I don't think it's easy to diagnose via tests.
oh got it. Probiotics wouldn't take of it? Probably not as quickly as a week or 2 of antibiotics huh?
This is going to sound weird if you've never felt this way, probably. Bear with me (rawr).
Lately, I've been actually feeling loved. Part of the depression I experience is complete emotional isolation. I remember specifically in college, when coming off Prozac, the nearly overwhelming feelings that suddenly seemed to return to me. All of a sudden, I could feel. It was as though on the drugs, I was only going through the motions. And those motions get twisted and manipulated when you don't really know what you're feeling. I mostly felt sad, stressed, or some variation of upset. If I ever felt "good", it didn't really seem worth it. It was tiring. It wasn't that spectacular. What was all the fuss about? Maybe that is why I lose myself in fantasy novels and romantic YA fiction. I like to read about the strong emotions of others because I simply can't understand it.
I feel like I've come out of a thick fog. I find myself wondering when the last time I felt this good was, if ever. I cannot remember. That's more than a little frightening. How long have I been going through the motions? It makes me wonder how well I was conveying my love for others because I did not feel it like I do now. I certainly did not feel their love for me. I know Boyfriend loves me. Now, I feel it. His gestures, the thanks he gives me, the way we banter. I worry that it's too much, but I remember the progress I have made. I remember that we have been working through the hard stuff together, recently. I realize over and over that there's no way he would be with me now, after everything we've gone through together, if he didn't really want to be here. I feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again. Maybe that is why I am so nostalgic this year, thinking back on the early days of our relationship, when I first felt like this. It's easy to forgot past relationships and say, "I've never felt this way before!" It's easier for me than most, given my memory. I don't think it matters if it's true or not, but that's how it feels to me now.
I feel like I cannot express to him how much I love him. I want to buy him everything he wants. I want to write him repetitive love letters every day. I want to come up with the best date activities for us. I want to pick the most entertaining movies for us to view together. Nothing feels like enough. I'll have to live with that. I am happy to know that there will be more of this and every day can be more fulfilling with him than the last.
Maybe I will send this to him in an email.
 And what inspired this post was trying to figure out a new date idea for us. I'm kind of thinking a night in would be really nice, but only if I can splurge on some destructive food (pizza from our favorite place) so I don't have to spend the whole time cooking (which means having the right enzymes & such to prevent total discomfort, but I don't know if that'd be doable for this weekend). I do have some frozen bacon-wrapped scallops from Trader Joe's (pretty clean, the bacon is uncured and has a little brown sugar on it), but that's really more of an appetizer. I've been wanting to watch "Stardust" again, but I'm wondering if there's something new I can find for us that we might like.
Last edited by namelesswonder; 12-17-2012 at 01:03 PM.
I totally understand the emotional onslaught. Dysthymia means you don't feel much of anything. When the cloud lifts and you feel again, it's damn near traumatizing. It's a 180 from the world you knew. Trying to explain it to someone who hasn't been there is like trying to expalin color to a blind person. You feel and you want to keep feeling and make sure the world knows you're feeling so it's not just a happy dream. All the rest of the world knows is that suddenly you've gone from PBS to Lifetime and they have no clue what the hell's going on.
Let Boyfriend know what's going on, in whatever way you need to, so he's not blindsided.
"No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
My Primal Battle Tome
Thanks, NK. <3 That was perfect.
I just saw the picture of you and your boyfriend at your Aunt's? wedding. I thought to myself "How beautiful, they obviously love each other." It made me love him too. Just the way he was looking at you. Swoon.
I get the never feeling loved thing - and then coming to the realization that I truly AM loved! It was eye opening. And it didn't happen until about 10 years ago. So I spent 40 years never really feeling loved.
As for the emotional awakening - I sorta had a little of that when I stopped taking my anti-depressants. I would cry at the drop of a hat (or a emotionally charged commercial) - and all of the sudden I was feeling joy for the first time in my life ! It was scary and weird.
I agree that talking about it with boyfriend is a good idea - let him share in this new found emotion!