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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 26

  1. #251
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    namelesswonder is online now Moderator
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    Borrowing my dad's '91 VW ecodiesel Jetta for the rest of the week. Will troubleshoot and kick scooter over the weekend. His car is fun to drive even though it's very stinky (75% biodiesel in the tank right now so it smells like fried chicken!), it just has the feeling of a very sturdy vehicle. But maybe that's just because I'm used to driving my boyfriend's '05 Honda Civic. It's nice to feel like you're above the road every now and then.

    Last night
    D: Delicious and moist farm chicken from Maine cooked on the stove with some tamari and spices. Very simple, very tasty. Boyfriend was weirded out by the moistness! Silly boy doesn't know good chicken when he eats it! And bacon-wrapped asparagus Out of veggies again...

    Today
    B: Nada. Have an apple, banana & sugary yogurt drink that I picked up at my parents' house when I swung by to get the updated registration for the diesel. Might have the banana when I get hungry around 10. Might have the apple before lunch. Might just IF. Almost DEFINITELY throwing out the yogurt drink. The only benefit to it is the probiotics! Why not just take probiotic pills?!
    L: Spaghetti squash scramble with leftover bacon-wrapped asparagus. Yummm.
    D: ? More farm-fresh chicken prolly. Thinking of doing chicken parm over spaghetti squash.

    One nice thing about eating well now is that I can share some meals with my sister, the vegan. I found a primal recipe for a pumpkin pie creamer that we're going to try making this weekend. I don't drink coffee usually, but I really like the pumpkin spice lattes from $tarbuck$, and I have to say that they have just enough caffeine to give me that much-needed boost. MUST. NOT. BECOME. ADDICT. It's so easy for me.

    +2 primal points for getting to work almost on time today. It's been difficult lately. I was only 1/2 hr late (supervisor is lax about when we come in) so I'll stay till 5 to make up for it, just as I did yesterday.

    Thinking of cashing some savings bonds...so broke right now. I would probably not get much $ for any of them since they don't mature till 2020 or something absurd like that (they keep changing the maturity dates because they don't make these bonds anymore).
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  2. #252
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    namelesswonder is online now Moderator
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    Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: SWEEPING GENERALIZATION
    I just wrote a huge rant on proper nutrition solving illnesses. Would love some comments... Also let me know if you have a blog so I can follow you!

    I hope my sister does not try to talk to me about it because I don't want her to argue with me (or say something snide that makes me want to sock her, like "So bacon is going to cure your depression?"). I am partly inspired by her (former anorexic, now vegan ><) and by Gay Panda reminding me that there IS a solution for depression. I just haven't found it yet, for me.

    Edit: I find myself hunting for cures to everything now! Such as this post-nasal, lump-in-my-throat feeling that I've had for...months? I attributed it to allergies, but now I don't think so (since it doesn't change on or off allergy meds). I don't eat much dairy so I doubt it's that. Maybe not enough Omega-3? Even the glands under my jaw feel a bit swollen. I guarantee the doctor will tell me nothing useful so I'm hesitant to make an appointment. It makes me feel like my throat is going to close when I try to sleep, which is a feeling I attributed to my sleep apnea a few years ago (I would wake up choking & coughing occasionally, having felt like I stopped breathing).
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 09-22-2011 at 11:33 AM.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  3. #253
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    namelesswonder is online now Moderator
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    Let's re-cap on my awful week, shall we?

    My job is at risk because I keep missing work from being sick and having transportation issues. Monday: took the day off to fight a traffic violation and got it reduced to avoid points on my record (supervisor told me he thinks it was a waste of time, he can go fuck himself). Tuesday: woke up with a killer migraine and my scooter was not working again so I worked from home. Got reamed out by supervisor about missing more work (not his fault, I've been really fucking up by missing a lot of work and working from home when that's really only allowed for poor weather). Wednesday & Thursday: borrowed my dad's car to get to work. Sometimes have to use a wire to start it, but it still starts. Friday: FML, had to jump start the car which resulted in me getting in 2 hours late (so I have to stay 2 hours later now), and my boyfriend missed an exam. My dad didn't tell me that the battery likes to randomly drain overnight.

    Trying not to cry at work is the WORST (and I'm failing). Sometimes I really don't feel like I'm cut out for life/"the real world". Apparently I can't even dedicate myself to a REALLY GOOD JOB. I've been pretty bored at it, but it's because my boss out in CA isn't giving me more roles & responsibilities because I'm being so inconsistent. So I brought the boredom on myself! Today of all days, I really don't want to be here, but I actually have things to do so I'm trying to pull myself together so I can get to work and feeling incredibly guilty for venting online.

    I wish it was easier to pick myself up out of this, but I knew I was going to end up crying as soon as that car wouldn't start. It wasn't resigning myself to it, it was acceptance. I know me well enough to know when it's just going to happen.

    Now to see if I can sneak off to the bathroom to make myself a little more presentable without running into anyone...

    Edit: after a few more sobs in the bathroom, I realized that these were lame-ass pity tears and promptly stopped. I realized for the umpteenth time that yes I'm fucking up, but the only person who can fix it/help me is me. This is both reassuring and terrifying, as usual. I can't tell you how many times I've come to this realization, every single time feeling like "this is it, I've finally got it", but apparently, I never do. I feel a little better for now anyway and today should be not quite so terrible. The rest of my life remains to be seen.

    I reaaallly don't want to talk about this in therapy next week.

    Edit edit: SUGAR. Okay I had the banana & apple last night and was rather constipated (there was a little blood) later. I could not settle down to sleep, too much on my mind, so I finished off my dark chocolate (WANT MOAR). Stupid stupid stupid. I think my body is not used to fruit/sugar anymore and maybe that has something to do with my depression this morning. At least I resisted boyfriend's donuts. +1 primal point, bringing me to 9. If the car starts, I will go to Shaws during lunch to get moar chocolate, coconut milk (canned) & more almond butter (it's $10.99 for 16oz at $top'n'$hop!!!).
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 09-23-2011 at 08:47 AM.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  4. #254
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    amieable is offline Junior Member
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    *hugs for nameless*

    I am a tutor and often deal with people who should be doing very well on tests yet consistently screw them up. I worked with a girl five or six years back now who came from an immigrant family and they put a LOT of pressure on her. She was told that unless she achieved a certain score on her college entrance exams and got into an "acceptable" (their definition, and it only included 5 or 6 ridiculously selective universities) university, that she would fail them, and completely negate the hard work they had done since arriving in the United States.

    She was brilliant in liberal arts but not that great at math, and every time she sat down to do a math section on an entrance exams, she would end up crying. I asked her to walk me through her thought process one time, and it went like this:

    "I don't remember the equation for a circle. I can't believe I don't remember this formula. It's because I was so bad at Geometry. I'm just bad at math in general, and I never worked hard on it, and now because I was lazy I'm going to mess up this test and not get into an acceptable school, and I won't be as successful as I should be and my mom never saw her mom again after they left Korea and..." *sobsobsob*

    What I told her helped her, and although I don't know if some adaptation of it will help you or not, I thought it was worth sharing at least. I told her sometimes you have to look at something and say,"I can only miss 'x' number of problems on this test and I think I just missed one. It really, really sucks, but I can't change it, and if I don't get myself together, I'm going to make more mistakes. So bite me, problem 37, you beat me fair and square, but I won't let you ruin the rest of my test." Then take a deep breath, metaphorically turn the page, and refocus.

    I find in my own life, too, that I tend to let things snowball and then little things become big things and big things become so overwhelming I just can't take it. So from time to time I like to stomp on the snowball by giving myself some of the above advice, and occasionally by literally stomping around a little bit before going back to it.

    I hope either the advice or the suggestion to stomp around a bit lifts your spirits a little bit. I'm rooting for the rest of your day to be better. <3

    PS. I'm new around here, but I've been reading your journal, so I thought I'd just jump in. Hope that's okay.
    We are indeed much more than what we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are. -Adelle Davis




  5. #255
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    Haha now I think I might stomp around (appropriately, I wore combat boots to work today; nobody believes me when I tell them they're super comfortable) the parking lot if the rain holds off, though I think I'm too late for that. You gave a good example and it's exactly what I'm trying to accept today (and I definitely think my parents attitude had a huge affect on my negative attitude toward my own capabilities, though I don't want to blame them for everything). What holds me back is that I know how many times I've been through this before, and it honestly makes me feel a bit suicidal realizing that I STILL have not figured this out. But I have to eventually. I want to. I just have to keep thinking, "Maybe *this* time, I'll get it right."

    You are so welcome to post in my journal! I glow a little whenever someone comments, I definitely relish the attention online no matter how awkward or shy I am in person. And welcome to the forum!

    My sister said much the same thing to me about accepting the loss and moving on to try to not do it again when I bitch-texted her earlier (bitch-text: it's like a bitch-fest, but in text form). I was honestly very surprised to hear such sage advice coming from her, but she's done even more therapy than me, so I shouldn't be Anyway, I'm glad to know that she at least is doing much better than I had assumed!

    Positive things:
    I am looking forward to lunch (which I will heat up as soon as I stop hearing people using the microwave; more spaghetti squash scramble, without cheese this time), relaxing after work, and going adventuring over the weekend, including an apartment-warming party in Boston (note to self: buy some two-buck chuck). My mom is going to buy me a vacuum so I can actually clean our carpets & couch, yay!
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  6. #256
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    I'm up much earlier than I wanted to on a Saturday morning, but I got 7-8 hrs of sleep, so that's about right.

    Last night: went out to dinner with my sister. Persian food. LOTS of rice, but tasty chicken too. Was pretty hungry after since the veggies were a pretty meager helping. Had a glass of pinot grigio, didn't like it much. Then we saw Contagion with our mom. Succeeded in making me a slight germaphobe and keeping my hands from my face for the whole movie, but that's about it! Meh. I like Matt Damon though.

    Today: starting laundry at my parents house, going to Whole Foods for yummy stuff, seeing if my scooter will work (had bad dreams about it, really hoping it's working okay now), more laundry, making tasty things, riding scooter around to ensure maximum workitude, apartment-warming party in Boston tonight. Hopefully I can go get my vacuum today!

    But first: a shower!
    Journal on depression/anxiety
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  7. #257
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    Party in Boston last night was fun. I managed to monitor my drinking so I got to the point I wanted to be at, sustained it, then let it wear off. I did have one or two beers. They were familiar, but not terribly tasty. Un-fun part of the night: caring for puking boyfriend. I really wish he would not get that wasted. Today I got him to agree not to drink more than 2 sodas a week.

    My period arrived out of nowhere (but was expected, just 1 day late) yesterday. Cramps & tenderness came with it. I have no idea if I had PMS leading up to it because I was just so stressed out this week. This weekend was not terribly de-stressful either, unfortunately, because my scooter is still not working & I did a lot of running around yesterday doing errands, laundry, and trying to figure out how the hell I'm getting my scooter fixed. Today, I need to get the car from my parents so I can have transportation next week.

    I have been waking up to dehyradation headaches lately. I am definitely drinking enough water.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  8. #258
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    Yesterday's cheat was a Boston-creme muffin made by the Gingerbread Construction Company. I want to say "it was sooooo good", but it really wasn't. I liked the creamy filling, but that was about it. I had hoped I would not be saddened by this, but I am! Time to learn how to make paleo maine-crunchies (bakeless cookies that use oats, that's just what we call them in my family)! I feel very awkward now that my boyfriend and I are eating so different. He still eats plenty of wheat, when he can, and I don't really like sweets anymore. Halloween is probably really going to throw me off-track.

    I had a friend at the party Saturday night ask me to send him some links on "that paleo thing". I just sent him a ton of info and recommended "Wheat Belly" and "Diet Cure" for intro reading (as well as MDA & Robb Wolf's FAQ/101 stuff). I hope he gets on-board!

    We saw "Drive" last night. It was VERY good, but the violence really comes out of nowhere, so brace yourselves! I loved the anti-hero protagonist and think I might read the book it's based from.

    My mom bought us a vacuum cleaner and they applied a coupon at the register that made it cost less than the discounted price, including tax. It seems to work quite well and it was very nice to walk around on my freshly fluffed rugs last night. Only thing is it's hard to pull when it's on because the suction is so powerful.

    Okay, food:
    B: couple scoops of chilled coconut "milk" (from a can), 1/2 can of pumpkin puree, few splashes of coconut milk (from a carton), some spices. Blend. It was very thick and I liked the "spiciness" of it, but my boyfriend thought it was "meh". I guess it's just because I prefer things to be less sweet now.
    L: will be spaghetti squash scramble. Only 1 egg in it because we're out (sad faces everywhere), so I expect to be hungry.
    D: Heroin chicken!!! But we don't have enough for a full meal. I really hope boyfriend picks up some veggies at the store...

    I've been ignoring my scooter because it's too stressful to deal with right now. I might try to ride it up to the shop tonight if I get home at a reasonable time (shop closes at 7) and take the bus back home. They can't pick it up till probably mid-week and I need it working ASAP. I am getting rides to and from work from my parents this week because they need the car/both cars are not completely functional and need some tinkering. Sigh. My family.

    50 kettlebell swings & 7 assisted push-ups this morning! I did 50 on Saturday too, after getting some advice from folks over at Nerd Fitness Rebellion HQ . My arms already feel more defined but it's probably just post-workout swelling. I don't mind!

    I am trying really hard to stay calm this week. I had to cancel therapy for tomorrow because I don't think I can get there (I have no idea if I'll have a car, and if I don't, I'll have to pay over $100 for missing the appt so I just cancelled now). I am going to accept that minimal food in the house just means IF during the day, which I've done before and is not bad at all. I can pick up some conventional milk, worst comes to worst, for a protein-shake in the morning, with bacon on the side. I am going to do something fun this weekend, instead of crazy chores & running around like I did this past weekend! I am not going to let the fact that I bled on the sheets last night, after doing laundry, ruin my week.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  9. #259
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    Hi there!

    Just read your journal (all of it)... very interesting to see the progress!

    So, I had a few thoughts I'm just going to toss them all out there, feel free to sort through and use or toss at will.

    Glad you're reading The Mood Cure-- great book! Another good one is "Depression Free Naturally"-- same concept, on how getting the right nutrients can help with depression/anxiety/etc.

    You mentioned reading about adrenal fatigue and seeing a lot of symptoms. Speaking as someone who had it-- and badly-- it does take some time to recover, but it's one of those things where until you start you don't get better, so starting is better than not! Plus you can do a lot of stuff without a lot of $$, as most of it is about removing stress or getting the tools to handle stress better. I recommend the book "Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome" by Dr. Wilson. Also Chris Kresser's website www.chriskresser.com. He has a lot of posts on adrenal stuff and thyroid stuff and basic hormone level issues.

    I have hypothyroidism, but that and crappy eating and tons of stress led to adrenal fatigue and all kinds of other hormone imbalances. It took a while to get back, but I am much MUCH better now.

    Sex drive-- that can be the Meds, or if you are having some endocrine/hormone issues it can be due to that. And stress will down the sex drive on it's own. Also-- interesting to note-- there are many roads to sexual desire. Many people start to feel because they don't "feel" like having sex, that they have no sex drive. But often, they need to have the mental/emotional/physical attention first-- then they become more desirous. In other words, they have to make the effort-- sending sexy texts, leaving sexy notes, making dates, planning, touching more, etc. They don't just "get horny". And that's absolutely normal.

    It does sound like you've got a lot of stress going on for sure. I'm finding a lot of reading about mindfulness is helping me deal with emotional crap. There's a great book called "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach-- sort of buddhist, talks about a lot of things, but I highly recommend it. She has a website www.tarabrach.com and if you scroll to the bottom there's a link to "audio talks" and there are a TON of them. Really great stuff, I listen while I'm working.

    Anyway, just some thoughts I had. You seem to be doing REALLY well in doing what you need to do. I'd say two things-- have patience, it will probably take a bit longer than you'd like. And keep plugging away-- sometimes you have to fix one thing to realize another thing is broken too and get working on that.
    "Boy I got vision and the rest of the world is wearing bifocals" - Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

  10. #260
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    "Depression Free Naturally" is now on my Amazon wishlist (might buy it after payday this Friday). I'd seen it, and maybe had it recommended, but didn't follow through for some reason. Sometimes one more voice is all it takes! Re: sexual desire, what you say makes a lot of sense and I can definitely understand the different feelings vs. horny... It's just that I know what I used to be able to do, so without that, I just feel "wrong." I don't know if I need to adjust or if it is possible for me to get back to how I felt before.

    I'm down with Buddhism more so than many other religious practices so I will definitely check that out too. Just from the brief descriptions and reviews, it sounds like something that would at least make me happy and hopefully for a time, if not actually help me in the long run!

    Thank you for your thoughts.

    ----

    Okay I forgot about my primal point system. What's the point (harr harr) of it? Let's give myself a goal... 50 pts by the end of the challenge. Okay since the points are arbitrary, this might not work. I guess I could make a point system based off the 10 PB tenants? Maybe later.

    +3 points for the KBs I did the other day. -1 for the yogurt drink. So...10?

    Yest: Heroin chicken & broc for dinner. I could not get full! I should have had some coconut oil or something, but instead I ate ~1/2 a bar of delicious organic 85% dark chocolate from Whole Foods. It was SO GOOD.
    Suppl: Took 1 50mg 5-HTP around 9pm. Fell asleep quickly around 11pm and slept well, but accidentally overslept this morning (5-more-minutes became "Oh crap, it's been 30!"). Good thing my internal alarm (the kind that goes "Shit, what time is it?") is so active.

    Today
    B: Nada. IF till lunch (around 1pm prolly).
    L: 1 leftover heroin chicken drumstick & the rest of my spaghetti squash. Meager and unfilling. Sigh. It's going to be a long road till dinner.
    D: Sausages (which will be painful, but I need to eat the food I have available) & green peppers.
    Suppl: Have to remember to take fish oil at dinner. Took the usual B-complex, allergy pill, 4000IU VitD (thinking of making that a regular dose, maybe higher).

    Raid tonight. Not looking forward to it, as usual. I need to watch some videos to prepare for the bosses because it's new content that most of us haven't done before. Which means we are going to epicly fail!

    I am still feeling very, very sensitive and starting to worry that I'm still feeling so wiped out and stressed out from last week. I guess I am not recovering well. I need to find out what my brain needs to recover so I can feed it!
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

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