Random thought: talking to Boyfriend over the past couple of weeks, talking about how I feel like self-injury is no big deal when I'm really down, but as soon as I snap out of it, I don't think there's anyway I could do it again. He said, "That's what addiction is like." I don't think I've ever had someone tell me that this is an addiction. It's been years, and I still think about it. I wonder what it will take to break the cycle. I want to break the cycle.
Bit moody today.
Primal since March 5, 2012
SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)
The flushing and headache and nausea does occur while drinking, or immediately after (within an hour or two). I don't know if that's enough.
I explained to Geek how my brain works when I'm suicidal and he said it sounded like a junkie wanting a fix. Sad thing is, when I'm on the other side of that, I see what he's saying. Hell, even when I'm down deep, I kinda see it like that: the ultimate "fix." Once I've done it, things are gonna get better, because I won't be here. Even the environment based "I could do it with that, or that, or that...." kinda reminds me of how an addict sees a joint in every wadded up piece of paper and a beer in every can of soda.
I still get that, if I'm not careful. Not the intent, but seeing a "fix" everywhere in my surroundings. It's almost like a creative outlet. Scratch that, it IS a version of a creative outlet, because it doesn't happen when I'm in the middle of a project.
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
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Brad's face turns bright red too... might be intolerance, but are we all, on some level, intolerant to alcohol? If we weren't, we wouldn't get drunk.
Primal since March 5, 2012
SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)
I get the red face too. I would say - if the body is having adverse effects - there is an intolerance.
I haven't ever had the desire to hurt myself - like cutting. But I've been on the suidal side several times through out my life. It was always due to some situational depression or extremely difficult life event. Only once did I act on it - and it was a 1/2 assed attempt. It was a few years ago actually - when things were are the worst in my marriage due to step daughter issues and my health was at its lowest due to the fibromyalgia. I was up late one night - unable to sleep and drinking rum and coke to numb my brain and mask the pain in my body. I decided to see what would happen if I took my remaining 8 cymbalta - couldn't be any worse than it already was, right? So, I swallowed the pills and went to bed. I slept for 15 hours straight - and spent the next 3 days in a blurry stouper. I was now out of cymbalta so spent the next 2 weeks detoxing. And all my problems were still there.
But, things are better now. Thats the upside of not acting on those feelings of wanting to just be gone and out of all the crap!!! Usually, the crap will go away - yes, with some work and perseverance, and life changes. "Life is a gift" and "life is what we make it". Both cliche's......... but true and right nonetheless.
From what I've read about cutting behavior it is a release of some kind to "feel" something other than pain in your mind and heart. I think the key is in finding what brings your mind and heart its true joy. What do you love to do? Where is your passion? Find that - and you find your true joy and peace.
Read post #2626
I spent this whole weekend feeling hungover to some degree or another. I had drinks last night when we went out with friends. It was well worth it and I don't feel so terrible today as I did Friday, so maybe alcohol intolerance is not an issue here. I also decided to screw my stomach and have some sugary treats from a bakery in Boston. I got a chocolate ganache (wasn't really sure what it was, not liking it as much as I'd hoped) and two dark chocolate peanut butter cups the size of a regular muffin. I had one of the PB cups so far and it's uuummmpphh. So good. Can't wait to have the other, but I think some real food is in order first.
My allergies are going nuts lately, so much congestion, but the alcohol is probably the culprit here. I got my first nosebleed of the season. Once I get a handle on congestion, I think that will be less of an issue (less nose fiddling, which I've been prone to for my whole life).
Mood is iffy, but having a good time with friends last night seemed to help a lot. My knee is still killing me, again, probably due to inflammation from drinking and some questionable food. I'm convinced that it should be much better by tomorrow if I keep things on track today.
Now, time for some eggs! I haven't had any all week.
 I touched up my roots Friday night and did a fairly good job considering the tiny hand-held mirror I had to use to try to get the back. I'll finish up the back sometime over the next couple of days, since I just bought a $5 big hand-held mirror. I also got a $5 off $20 or more coupon that's valid at Sally's Beauty Supply next week. I could use it stock up on 2-5 different hair colors, depending on what brands I pick It'd be fun to have a few shades so I can mix up my own.
Last edited by namelesswonder; 11-18-2012 at 01:07 PM.
Sleep: I played Fallout New Vegas before bed and I think that messed up my ability to fall asleep. It took a while. One thing I was reminded of recently is how quickly I fall asleep when I'm taking 5-HTP. I used to spend hours trying to fall asleep every night, so while having a hard time falling asleep is very familiar, it still sucks! I think overall I've slept much better for the past nearly 3 years (just over 1 month away from our anniversary!) I've been with Boyfriend, but with 5-HTP, it's amazing. I know I woke up too early this morning because I forgot to change the time on the thermostat and I woke up when the heat kicked in at 5AM (instead of 6).
Body: Snap, crackle, pop. My body is like rice crispies today. My knee still hurts a lot. I guess I need another day to distance myself from inflammatory foods. It's better than it was Saturday night, at least. I think I'll see the chiropractor next month, but I need to remember to stretch my right hamstring more often.
Food: Boyfriend ordered out for us last night so I had sushi. I still felt hungry after, but it was probably due to the carb-heavy eating the day before. Lunch today is just a tin of fish, which I realize is not much, but I was too groggy to put anything else together.
Supplements: I fell off track on Saturday, since we were out for about 12 hours. Catching up with Vitamin C is not fun because my appetite suffers and my stomach feels awful until I catch up again. I'm at 1 3/4 teaspoons of Vitamin C. I was down to 1 1/2 on Saturday morning, so I'm hoping to get back to that once this inflammation passes. Today is my first day trying 3g of Maca Root (2g in the morning, 1g in the evening). I definitely feel like it gives me more energy and focus, but it's not helping with libido...yet?
Plans for tonight: I think my overall improved mood lately has made it easier for me to keep busy in the evening. Tonight, I'm going to start laundry as soon as I get home, see about making dinner if I'm hungry, finish re-bleaching my roots in the back (picked up 40 vol bleach & a large hand-held mirror yesterday), and I'll go to BJ's later tonight to get pumpkin puree, bacon, and sardines. If my hair dries/there's time, I'll slap some hairdye in too. I'm going to mix a little bit of purple with pink so I get a darker pink.
Other: I got Boyfriend's dad to sign the form that should make it so I don't have to pay sales tax on the Mustang, and I got the title. I called a local insurance agent and she's looking into putting together a policy for me. Fingers crossed it's as cheap as the quote said (I should hear from her later today). I hope I can get all the paperwork done this week, but we'll see. We will be towing the car to the garage this weekend. I just signed up for AAA, so I should be able to get free towing!
Loved your sweaty carnations blog post. I would never have the guts to go to a concert alone.
I will be dying my hair tonight too so maybe I won't quite look 20 years older than you when we meet.
Primal since 9/24/2010"Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes
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