Yeah and Disney owns Star Wars now.
Wait what were we talking about?
Haha, I like what your preacher said. As a teen, I often felt like I was more mature than my peers. I'm coming to realize that whether I was or was not is irrelevant. The bigger issue is that we're led to believe, simultaneously, that we must be very similar or very different than our peers (or anyone) in order to be "special". The reality is, we are just special. No matter how similar or how different, it's all relative and we all have something to offer.
I was going to rant about how Disney glamorizes relationships (esp. those based on unequal power) and how that's ruined Romance for a lot of people, but it's more than that. It's not just Disney.
Don't even get me started on that crap! I really do not want more Star Wars. Even if they could make it better.
I'm thinking about potential fall-back winter date ideas. Since Boyfriend doesn't know my first pick anyway, he won't miss out if I change my mind. I need to start planning this soon though. I don't want to make this come down to "gift or date" but I might ask him which he'd prefer in case I can't afford both.
I realize this would be better suited for a written journal, but I want to write it down now while I'm thinking about it. If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, please chime in!
-First year, he planned (technically right before we started dating). We had dinner at a favorite Italian place in Boston, a horse-drawn carriage ride, and went to a Celtic Christmas concert.
-Second year, he planned. Dinner at Top of the Hub (yeah, this is when he had money to spare!), then the Celtic Christmas concert again. We left during an intermission because we were both falling asleep, but we had fun anyway.
-Third year, I planned. I bought us tickets for a local Nutcracker production and reserved a spot for us at a kinda fancy restaurant in Harvard Square. This was before his shoulder surgery so he was drugged up and in pain, so we ended up leaving during an intermission and ordering dinner in I made bacon wrapped scallops, at least, and we killed some time at a bar before the ballet, so it wasn't a huge flop, but I was really disappointed.
This year, I really can't afford much. He might actually have enough cash, from overtime from the job he's starting next week (we'll see, though) to make the date fancier, like it's been in the past, though that money should go to medical bills. I'm going to have to keep spending reaaalllly tight in December for any of the things I'm thinking about. Fortunately, I don't really need to get any gifts. I can make applesauce this month and gift it in December.
-Rock climbing: there are a few local gyms, it wouldn't be too pricey, but I'd need to figure out how we can climb together since I'm new to it, but he's pretty experienced. I don't think his shoulder is in good shape for this. He'd do it happily, but probably end up in a lot of pain. I'd also need to find us a good place to eat afterwards, and it would be a morning date, which puts a lot of pressure on me to find something to do for the entire day.
-Something at home: I could make dinner, we could make cookies and/or hot cocoa/cider, watch a movie(s), order a pizza, something that's just us and cozy and fun. We could always just do a movie date (something new in theaters) and keep it more casual.
-Dinner: Just go out to dinner somewhere we like or somewhere kinda nice. No activity, just us and food.
Work costume from yesterday is viewable on Facebook and costume thread in Odds & Ends. I didn't get to participate in the costume contest because I got stuck on a work call, but I don't think there were prizes anyway.
Mood/brain: I'm on the edge of something. I still feel like I'm coming up out of something, but I'm retaining a sense of consciousness that I only really feel when I'm depressed. Maybe it's just something I've glamorized about my feelings over the years, but it makes me feel a little more creative than I do normally. It makes me feel a little like writing, but the part of my brain that says, "Shut up, you're worthless," is still a little too loud for me to try.
I spoke to Boyfriend about my winter date concerns and told him about the rock climbing. He got excited and said we are absolutely doing that. He also seemed a bit confused that I wanted to pay for it all myself, so there's a possibility of us splitting expenses. Just as we discussed recently: just because we used to/planned to split things evenly does not mean that we always can or should. That is terribly relieving. I have plenty of time to figure out a nice lunch for us and arrange for the climbing, which I'd like to do the weekend before the 21st of December.
I also voiced my concerns about the car, a bit. Well, I couldn't say much. I told him that I feel like I'm doing better (than a couple of weeks ago, staying steady on 5-HTP), but there are still some things that totally throw me for a loop. Just trying to talk about the mustang I want to take from his dad puts me into flight mode. I basically burst into tears just trying to tell him this! I don't remember if he answered when I asked if he would come with me this weekend to talk about car stuff with his dad, but I think he will. Either that, or I'll pave the way for myself by shooting his dad an email (need to get his address). I don't know how often he checks it, but it'd probably be easier to get a link/website that way anyway. Thinking about making the logistics of repairs work for this car reminds me of how distressed I was trying to deal with my broken Bug 2-3 years ago. It wasn't a good time for me and I'm afraid that that's how things are going to start off with this car.
I did have a positive thought about the car though: in the Spring, I can go back to using the scooter. The money I save on gas might be enough to put aside some cash for some repairs and maintenance for the Mustang. I can either sell it or keep slowly fixing it up. OR I could sell the scooter and put that money towards maintenance on the Mustang. Either way, nothing I need to figure out now, it's just nice to dream a little. Stress-free.
Sleep: I never sleep well during shark week. I didn't wake up or anything, but I did not feel well rested this morning. Probably has to due with the candy I ate, too (as I also have a headache and stomachache).
Food: I ate a TON of candy last night. No idea how much. Probably at least 10 "fun-size" pieces, if I try to envision the wrappers on my plate. It was enjoyable, and I won't be having anymore. Yesterday's food was omelette, bone broth, bone broth with last of the chicken (aka. "meat soup"), apple, another apple, chicken with broc. Boyfriend handled dinner and I'm going to see if he'll handle it for the rest of the week (except Saturday, we're going out with my family for my dad's birthday). I forgot that he was supposed to. My bone broth is almost finished off, I have at most two servings left. Making a full chicken once a week would not be too difficult, and it's not THAT time consuming. I'll have to double-check Whole Foods price per lb vs. Trader Joe's again, then I'll pick a day to commit to the chicken. I should also experiment with seasonings a bit more. I usually just use a variation on Nom Nom Paleo's slow cooked chicken. My crock pot fits a 4-5 lb bird, with some veggies in the bottom (like...one medium onion).
Exercise: After the little workout I did two days ago, well, I'm still pretty sore. I could probably do it again tomorrow, but I think I should also do kettlebells this week. I feel like I'm ready to start working my way back into my little weekly routine. It started off at only 2x weekly, and then I progressed onto a little bit everyday, which was great. I'd like to get back to that, so that someday, I might actually invest more time per workout, instead of just 5 minutes. Is it weird that one of my reasons for wanting to get healthy and fit is for my future children? I'm not planning on having any for a while yet, but I want my gut and mental health in a good place before I do. I figure that if I am able to maintain a fitness routine now, it'll be easier for me to stay fit while pregnant (in 5-10 years, probably).
Thinking about closing the Yahoo! group I started almost 9 years ago for teens dealing with self-injury. It's been inactive for a while now. I'm talking to my sole moderator (my friend, that I went to Salem with last month) about it. I'll email the group today to see how people feel about it. I don't want anyone to feel like they've lost their only resource or place to vent, so I'll definitely find some other websites as an alternative to share with the members. I think it will be a bit relieving to have the group closed. I'd rather be a participant in this kind of thing right now.
I'm glad you're getting things worked through with BF. That's some of the hardest shit to do, is tell your beloved that things aren't going according to plan and you need help.
As to the writing, maybe you can trick your brain. Start it off as a journal entry, and slowly inch your way over to the story. You maybe able to get to story going, even just an outline, if you go slow enough. I've used that trick before.
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
My Latest Journal
I think the trickery is slow moving for me. Just keeping the blog going and taking thoughts here and expanding on them there is as much as I can manage right now. It feels good, anyway, so I know I'm doing the right thing. At some point, I might tackle fiction again, but I want to start reading regularly first.
I'm glad you're starting to feel better. Hope Shark Week goes smoothly.
Primal since March 5, 2012
SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)