Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 22

[cranehigh]

Hi! I read a lot of the journal (though not the middle) but thought I'd catch up here at the end. We have a fairly similar history (though I started a lot of things about 10 years later than you, both healthy and un).

Congratulations on the apartment! It's a hugely wonderful feeling to have your own space.

Staples... Wow, I'm bad at staples. I mostly live out of my fridge and freezer. That being said... I would get some canned food (fish, veggies) for storms and such, cooking oils, vinegar, spices, cofee/tea if you drink it, and buy and freeze a lot of any meat/poultry/fish that's on sale for the holiday weekend. I know where I am there are ridiculous sales on pork things this weekend. I'm assuming ribs are a big deal down here though I still think like a Mainer so it's hard to be sure.

[namelesswonder]

My boyfriend got us a TON of stuff, and even though he got more than I thought he would (read: everything on the list except the parmesan for the heroin chicken: FAIL). We got some staples of the tomato-based variety, plus apple cider vinegar & things like that. We're good on spices for a while, I think, and he also got REALLY good deals on some meat! Pork chops, chicken breasts, ground beef & drumsticks! Hooray! Then I got us some more stuff for the apartment and kept us under budget.

I'm picking up a few more things today, of the non-food variety (like a loufa, boyfriend does not like bathing with hands).

-My sex drive has been up lately, I feel more responsive and "interested", but there are still some mental road-blocks to work through. I'm trying not to get too optimistic about it since it's just generally been an exciting and positive week so I have NO idea if this will last. Boyfriend & I need to have a talk though, it's a bit too much for me right now and I'm not comfortable saying no even when I enjoy it.
-MUST STOP EATING GRAINS. So much gas. Of course, I'm mystified because I STILL like how my body looks! What's with this positivity, nameless? Where the hell is it coming from and how do I stop it from going away???
-Dry-mouth has been better since I increased carbs. It really didn't take much. Dry-lips are pretty annoying but I think it's related to the grains I've been nomming on lately. $5 pizza is hard to turn down.
-15lb kettlebell arrived! I've just been doing some basic swings to stretch out a bit because a) it's lighter than I expected b) my legs really need the stretch that squatting provides c) I want to get the form down before I really start to push it. My knees get pushed apart when I try to do that swing that goes between your legs, and that doesn't seem right. I guess my feet need to be turned out a little or farther apart? I bought "Kettlebells for dummies" 'cause I'm cool like that and it actually looks like a good resource.

Today I am picking up a few more items for the apartment and printing recipes

[namelesswonder]

Only ate at BBQ for boyfriend's dad yesterday. Lots of meat! I choked on an apple so yeah...not a lot of carbs. My boyfriend had to do the Heimlich, it was pretty scary. I think I'll cut up my apples for a while...

I'm going to stop drinking beer for a while. The wine and green apple Smirnoff Ice did not give me a headache, but the beer did

Having problems with the oven at the apartment. I left it on for HOURS trying to make clafoutti and it only got warm. After I wiggled the gas valve, it turned on, so it's either a problem with the valve or the glow bar (though that was on the whole time).

The kettlebell is really stretching out my legs. I don't feel anything in my arms doing the swings, but I'll worry about that later.

[girlarchitect]

Congrats on your new apartment!! It must be really great to finally have found one. (and get that gas oven looked at asap!!)

I'm hardly one to bring up alcohol intake but you might watch out for Smirnoff Ice as it is a lot of sugar. (or a treat)
- Smirnoff Ice (12 fl oz) (253 cal/38 g carbs)

[AbigailLyn]

Hey lady! I too just found your blog (day of procrastinating necessary work stuffs to find inspiration to officially start changing my life) and am truly inspired. I love that you're able to be so open both with your triumphs and struggles and it has been very powerful for me as I struggle with my own as I try paleo as a mental health boost. Congrats on your recent successes, I look forward to following your journey and continuing to use you as an inspiration for my own

[namelesswonder]

I'm sticking to wine for now. I have some wine called "Bitch", it's not very good, but it's not awful either and it was a gift so hooray!

Plumber coming to look at the oven tomorrow. It seems like it's working now, but it takes about 1/2 hr to heat up!

AbigailLyn, thanks for stopping by! If you haven't started your own journal, please do, I will definitely read it

I forgot to include that last night I had a mental meltdown over something very minor (passing comment) that resulted in tears and anger and depression. I was hoping I was done with those, but I know my body/mind needs time and I still recovered from it fairly quickly (within an hour or two). Today was a good day, finally got those deviled eggs made (breakfast/lunch for a few days at least!) and brought over some books to the apartment. Now I feel like re-reading all of my favorites, but I'm trying to read new books! I'm only just over halfway to my goal of 50 books this year

[namelesswonder]

Lots of gas, probably from junk food yesterday (too embarrassed to admit...okay fine I'll admit, I got a bacon double cheeseburger from Burger King & ate the bun & fries...and Dr Pepper). The failed-claffouti is still pretty good, I threw that and 4 deviled eggs that my mom made for me (so total of 2 whole eggs plus the claffouti) in one of the small covered Pyrex dishes for lunch. Lots of protein today! I think I'll try making porkchops tonight. That's why I got the apples in the first place! Broccoli or asparagus for carbs later, but I'd rather cook the asparagus in the oven, so perhaps the broc.

I had a protein shake this morning. Trader Joes protein powder, which has no soy, whey-based, 2g sugar and 3g carbs so it seemed pretty good. Something like 25-35g protein, I forget. Almond milk and a big spoonful of almond butter. Stayed up too late last night because I got caught up in a book; the protein does not seem to be helping wake me up that much. I didn't give myself enough time for a few kettlebell swings. I think I'll wait until I've had enough sleep before I mess around with those in the morning. I guess if I'm going to mock the leptin reset, I should do it after work anyway.

Sorry this is so choppy, my brain is not on top today. I will miss that feeling. Tonight is another raid in WoW so unless we finish early, I won't be getting to bed early enough again

I have therapy tomorrow. I don't know what I'll talk about. Usually that's a good sign, but this is around the time when I usually stop going because I feel pretty on-track, but I know it's "too soon". This is about the same time that I get exceptionally fed up with feeling "broken" because I don't respond rationally to high-stress situations.

[namelesswonder]

Made an apple & pork chop thing yesterday, very tasty. Boyfriend didn't care too much for the apple & onion bit, but he seemed to like the pork chop! He's making dinner tonight and we have no pasta so it should be me-friendly. Plenty of chicken, pork-chops and ground beef in the freezer! He cooked up the asparagus for us, which is making me quite gassy this morning.

I started reading "The Mood Cure"; it's yet another thing that seems too good to be true in terms of really helping to stabilize my moods. It is helping me understand how drugs like Lexapro work, and why things like Fish Oil are good to take. I am making myself wait till I finish reading it before I buy anything, but now I see why someone here recommended 5-HTP to me. And this is yet another book I want to pass on to my mom (for her ADD-like scatter-brained tendencies) and my sister (vegan, former anorexic, on anti-depressants like me). I understand now what happened last week: I ran through my reserves in my excitement over the apartment, which made me feel really good then, but was also apparently snappy & irritable towards my boyfriend, and resulted in a sudden drop a couple nights ago that left me crying and obsessive.

I'm now on 5mg of Lexapro. Hopefully I won't notice too much of a change within the next couple of weeks as my brain adjusts. If the rain keeps up, it's going to really mess up my observations because I always get more fatigued and grouchy when it's cloudy out!

I accidentally turned off my 6:45am alarm so I got up at the only alarm at 7am this morning. I think I'll just turn on the 6:45am alarm for tomorrow so I can have more time to eat & prepare for riding my scooter in the rain Riding in the rain SUCKS. I need to get Rain-ex for my helmet's visor; I can't see a damn thing. We got to bed fairly early last night, but I think I'm still catching up and recovering from last week, so I am quite tired today.

I'm going up to Maine this weekend with my sister to visit my grandma. Baba really wants to get rid of lots of her plates & such, so I might be bringing home some apartment supplies. I hope we get some decent weather on Saturday because I'd really like to walk on the beach while we're there.

[namelesswonder]

Step 1: Cut package of bacon in half, cook half minus 2 strips.
Step 2: Cook chicken breast with some light seasoning in the bacon grease.
Step 2.5: Cook green beans to nom on while you're waiting for the chicken to cook (add salt & olive oil).
Step 3: Defrost another breast for le boyfriend who is out at some first-aid training thingy. Wait forever. Cook that after you make the last couple pieces of bacon.
Step 4: Resist eating boyfriend's food.
Step 5: ???
Step 6: Profit!

After 1 smallish chicken breast, 2 servings of green beans (half a bag) and 1/4 package of bacon, I was still hungry! I ate some banana chips because they are delicious, but I feel like that made me more hungry (no added sugar). I drank some wine from the bottle because I could. I was still hungry. Finally, after some water and a while (1 hr or more), the hunger feeling seemed to go away.

I have not been hungry in the morning lately and I think it's because I'm eating too late (7 or later), but that's 10-12hrs between dinner and breakfast. I finished off my almond milk this morning with a protein shake, but didn't have the hunger for anything more. Now it's 3 hours later and I'm famished. Maybe it's because my dinners tend to be so large, but my other meals are fairly small. I'm going to have to force myself to swap that around, and it's going to suck. I guess I'll boil up some eggs soon to eat at work during my 10am hungers, after I have something initially when I wake up.

I think I'm not eating enough of everything (carbs, protein & fat), but at the same time, the amount of food seems right for my body size, so I wonder if there's something nutrient-wise that's messing up my hunger readings. I am going to be adding 5-HTP and Fish Oil capsules as supplements soon, so I hope those make a difference somehow.

I did some kettlebell exercises yesterday. Got sore and sweaty and shaky before the 25min cicrcuit was up, not sore this morning. I did a Kettleworx video; I could not lift the kb very well for most of the arm exercises so I just did the best I could and held it at my chest with two hands when I needed a breather. It made me feel pretty lame for getting the 15lb kb, but it will probably enable me to get stronger faster... at least I hope! My kb for dummies book arrived, so I will be perusing that soon!

[namelesswonder]

What was the other thing I wanted to say....
-Thank goodness for my mom lending me her car so I did not have to suffer the rain on the scooter today. I haven't driven that car since I had my permit (so...maybe 7 years?) and it was WEIRD. High clutch, high seat, not as loud as I'm used to so I actually had to use the tach for shifting reference, and TINY steering wheel. It's a '98 VW Jetta.
-I accidentally mentioned skipping breakfast or lunch occasionally (IF-ing) at therapy and my therapist got somewhat alarmed. I kind of tried to explain that if my body is in good shape from eating well, there's no reason why hydrating well and skipping a meal should have any short or long term negative impact (like depression that evening or whatever). I think I may stop seeing her soon. She has been helpful for me to come up with questions for myself to sort out various issues, but I get the sense she doesn't think improving my nutrition will make a big difference in my mental health. It has already, so poo to her. I feel like I am almost at the point where I can come up with the right questions on my own and am sorting things out pretty well aside from the occasional argument that I need to work out.
-The WoW raid got cancelled Tues, so it's happening tonight. We usually drink for raids so the stupid people are more bearable, but my performance suffers greatly and my options are vodka or beer. I'd take the vodka except I prefer more flavorful liquors. Meh, maybe I'll stay sober. This also means I won't be getting enough sleep unless we finish early (unlikely), because we'll be finishing at midnight and I get up at 7 for work. BOO.