Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 217

[naiadknight]

Geek's gotten a similar bug up his ass before. Because of my fear of anger, I generally leave it alone, especially if it's likely he's just irritated/ frustrated and overheating (feeling hot, temp wise, turns him into an asshole.) If it seems like something I should really say something about, I wait until he's stalked into another room and cooled off for a while, then I go in and ask "How did I handle that wrong? I'm sorry for [x], and want to fix it to do it right in the future. What did I do wrong?" The answer is almost always "It wasn't you, I've just been [x] lately for [reason.] I just needed time to calm down."

[Finnegans Wake]

Men, we're such moody bishes.

A little bruise to the ego - guys like to be in control, and The Fax Crisis was an example of not being in control! - and suddenly you're the one who's bitchy. Don't take us too seriously. We tend to bounce back, water off a duck's back, forgotten and gone, while you ladies get to stew over the replay tape, studying nuances. Sucks how you get that end of the deal, but there it is.

[namelesswonder]

I guess I won't be topping things off in fat for the time being (noooooo), and maybe switching to olive oil instead of coconut. Or I'll splurge for ghee. I could make it, but I'm lazy. I think it's about $10 per jar, but I think they are smallish jars. Either way, I'll have to buy something because we're low on EVOO and don't have any Kerrygold buttah (or cheesecloth). I'll try CO at just one meal a day (with eggs) for now and cut it out entirely if I need to.

My extra-sensitivity from the depression and mood swings has a lot to do with the extent of my being butt-hurt about Boyfriend's reaction (was that confusing enough?). But I tend to respond poorly to his foul moods anyway. FW, I've definitely seen that to be true for me and Boyfriend (he gets over it in an instant, I stew). I hate apologizing for things that I don't feel like are my fault, but I realize that is often the only way to start talking about things. Right now, I am overwhelmed with this sense of responsibility, like I am the only person I can rely on to get things done (cooking, cleaning, groceries, so basically anything to do with apartment maintenance). Last night, I was pissed because he wouldn't was the dishes. I hate waking up to dirty dishes, we've gone over this a dozen times before, and I asked if he'd wash them that night and he said no. It came across very mean to me, no doubt because he was in the middle of a game that he'd been particularly yelly about (btw, he talks on Skype to friends while playing and yells at other players that can't hear), but I didn't feel like waiting to ask. I get really tired of always being the one to walk away and try to diffuse things.

Forgot to mention that I had eggs this morning. I'll continue to stay off the dairy for now since it gives me painful gas, but I'm doubtful that eggs are an issue since nothing improved at 2 weeks off. I don't think it would take that long to notice a difference, but who knows.

[Finnegans Wake]

Or I'll splurge for ghee. I could make it, but I'm lazy.

This is me, as well. And I don't mind spending time in the kitchen, putting together complicated dishes, but the idea of making ghee just bores me. But I should do it.

being butt-hurt about Boyfriend's reaction

LOL, I'm sorry, you kids today speak in ways I find humorous...

Right now, I am overwhelmed with this sense of responsibility, like I am the only person I can rely on to get things done (cooking, cleaning, groceries, so basically anything to do with apartment maintenance). Last night, I was pissed because he wouldn't was the dishes. I hate waking up to dirty dishes, we've gone over this a dozen times before, and I asked if he'd wash them that night and he said no.

I can see both sides of this, actually. When it comes time to flop, man, I just wanna flop, and if Mrs. FW asks me to do something and I've already flopped, she's getting the cold no. Or the incredibly long seething shuffling grumbling compliance. But when one person is doing most of the domestic shit and the other can't lift a pinky for the simplest effort, then maybe it's time for that person's sphincter to meet a butane torch/light a fire under his ass. Passive aggressive slamming shit around might get his attention. Or you could take a bowl of soapy water and the dirty dishes out to where he's gaming and wash them in front of him, saying that you don't want to make him feel guilty or anything, but here's how effin' easy it is, if you can kill video monsters, surely you can swirl a dish in some sudsy effin' water. Or maybe that's too over the top, LOL.

[namelesswonder]

Glad it was humorous. I'm never sure if my sense of humor shows in my posts or not. My odd word choices are really the only way I can put it across.

He does not respond well to passive aggressive behavior or guilt-trips. He either doesn't understand them or gets supremely pissed off that the person in question is not just talking to him plainly about the issue. Frankly, I think he needs to pull his weight a lot more than he is. I don't know what's going to happen when he starts working full-time next month and we're both wiped after a full work day AND he wants to work overtime to pay off some bills. Right now, I don't think he's going to be very open to adjusting financial responsibilities to try and even things out again. I've been covering pretty much everything, and he went and upgraded his damn computer with some spare money last month. I don't really know how to talk about this with him without it becoming a war in spite because I am bitter and resentful and he'll be pissed that I didn't talk about it sooner, even though I'm pretty sure he'd still be just as irritated if I brought it up right away. Basically, he wants an emotionless discussion about an emotional issue. You see my dilemma.

[Finnegans Wake]

Yeah, that right there is some Koyaanisqatsi voodoo bullshit with an expiration date coming up before the Mayan calendar runs out. But don't worry, the gauntlet of holiday bullshit will surely be a rather large de-stressor.

The passive-aggressive suggestions were more in the vein of isn't this what you'd like to do? than this is what you should do. Since you've got multiple issues on the burner, maybe try the approach of needing the knight in shining to come along with the solution that's painfully beyond your powers of cogitation. I just don't know what to do, I can barely keep this domestic household shit above water as it is, and when you go back to work... and I'm feeling stressed about all the money I've been laying out, and (aforementioned) holidays loometh... oh fair knight, do rescue me! IOW, let him feel smart by coming up with the solution that you're leading him to: he can pitch in a little here and there, it won't be hard! And he can throw some fundage back into the pot once working, just watch! Don't oversell it, just pitch it somewhere between exhaustion and tearful exasperation, and let him be the hero.

Now I'm thinkin' like a crafty dame!

[namelesswonder]

Thanks, Kakes!





Digest-Zen and Balance essential oils. Assessment so far: they smell nice. Here's hoping!
(I already feel more optimistic, but that might be from a really therapeutic argument, cry, and chat with Boyfriend [I did the crying])

[justyouraveragecavemen]

He either doesn't understand them or gets supremely pissed off that the person in question is not just talking to him plainly about the issue.
{snipped}
You see my dilemma.

I actually made a scoffing noise when I read this; he wants plain ol' big boy talk but snaps at you, ignores you, and yells at people playing a game that can't hear him. He can't help you wash dishes, even though you make the money in the household, and blows his extra money on frivolous computer upgrades. Dilemma indeed, for one of you anyway. The other has got it figured out, IMO.

[namelesswonder]

Things came to a head last night with heated words. I thought he was breaking up with me at one point. In my current mental state, things like "I'm done" and "I can't deal with it anymore" in regards to perceived behaviors in our relationship can only mean one thing. I think that goes to show just how terrible I've been feeling, but also how our communication styles could use improvement. It all came down to the same thing it always does: we need to talk more. We decided to make a conscious effort to sit down at the table for dinner. I think I'll save the rest of my thoughts on this for therapy tomorrow. Maybe I will write some of it down in my handwritten journal tonight, so I don't forget. I do think I want to talk to him more about the cooking arrangement. There are some requests he's disregarded that he then got annoyed about (I "nagged" about the heat he was using on the pans after asking him to warm the cast iron on low heat prior to putting anything on, and he still uses cooking spray on things that I eat from time to time), but I think we can work those things out along with being more communicative as things come up.

Essential oils: I'll be using the EO's Kakes sent me twice daily (morning and evening, probably about 12 hrs apart). With all the other things I'm doing in terms of supplements, I don't think it'll be easy for me to know for sure if they help, but I will still use them. I'd love to cut the Vitamin C out entirely to see how/if the digestive blend helps, but I'm nervous about potentially halting my digestion (especially since it's been so sporadic lately).

Supplements: I'm trying 2 tsp of Vitamin C every 4 hours today, because 1 3/4 yesterday didn't seem to cut it. The rest of my daily supplements lately have been 10,000 IU Vitamin C, 500mg L-Tyrosine as needed (took one this morning, have two in my pocket for today), and a total of 250mg of 5-HTP in the evening. I'll be adding my daily multi back in as soon as it arrives (tomorrow, I think), which includes some trace minerals such as Iodine and Selenium. Er... Is Iodine a mineral? Whatever. I'm just about out of Quercetin and not sure I want to continue using it for allergy relief. I'm not sure how much of an impact it would have at this time of year anyway, but I guess I'll find out soon enough when I run out.

Digestive stuff: I just rescheduled my appointment for the 29th to the 26th. That means no therapy, but I think right now I'd rather see the doc about my gut. I'll still have therapy tomorrow and on the 2nd, I'm sure.

Hormones: I'm being such a nutter with all this experiment and stressing that I have probably totally thrown off my blood test for hormones. I noticed a sign of high progesterone (er...ladies, PM me if you really want to know) a few days ago so the Dong Quai is away in the cupboard so I won't be tempted to take it. I feel like a couple weeks of a double-dose should not have given me symptoms like that so quickly. So maybe, if this IS the issue, it's only during PMS week that my progesterone levels are low. Bah. Maybe next month I will try it during PMS week, and just keep working on the gut stuff for my depression overall.

Reading: In rereading The Mood Cure, I was reminded that I still have some sub-lingual GABA Calm. I think there are some recent situations that taking GABA Calm would have really helped my response to. I'll have to try to remember that I have it. I should portion some out to leave at work so I have some in both of my primary locations, and then I can leave it somewhere in view.

Social: One thing that Boyfriend and I talked about last night was that I need to get out more. He said I need more female friends. I haven't had a close girl friend since high school (the friend whose wedding I am going to next week; I just messaged her about making time to hang out). I am also still thinking about something Booter mentioned to me last week, which is possibly checking out a local parish. As much as I love my MDA community, you aren't physically close to me and it would probably be good for my anxiety to push some boundaries and try socializing with new folks. Boyfriend is more than willing to make the car available to me in the evening or weekends so I can see folks. I kind of like the idea of going to my parents' church for familiarity, and a few people I wouldn't mind seeing/chatting with there, but I'm not particularly interested in sitting through the services. They're just so somber!

Budget: This is a big one. Every time Boyfriend and I discuss money, he is astonished by how much I stress about it. "It really means THAT much to you?!" One of you (or several of you) said something about this...one time...I don't remember when. That the small stuff, like taking care of the apartment or dinner or stocking up on supplies or cat food, really should not be weighing so heavily on me that I can't enjoy other things. I've been letting these responsibilities engulf all of my free time. I'm young, we are getting by, and it's not JUST because I'm budgeting my life into oblivion. More on this on the blog.

Sleep: I got to bed around 10:45 last night. I woke up at least once, when Boyfriend went to bed, and I think a second time when he went to watch tv because he couldn't sleep. I had some extra time to kill this morning because I showered last night, which was nice. Bedhead suits me and I like driving to work with dry hair, so I may continue this routine.

[namelesswonder]

Okay, now for fun stuff.

If I were to buy minimalist shoes, which should I go for?

Merrell Barefoot Wonder Glove Black - Zappos.com Free Shipping BOTH Ways More work appropriate. I could make them work with slightly dressy outfits. Not good for cold weather, but indoors (at the office) and could probably make them work, and out-and-about with decent socks, or if I'm not walking outside for long with any socks.

Merrell Barefoot Pace Glove Lavender Lustre - Zappos.com Free Shipping BOTH Ways Super casual, but I could still wear them at work. Good for if I ever start going to a gym and/or running/exercising out of the house. Obviously would not work for dressier outfits. Also not good for colder wear, but again, socks.

There's also these Merrell Barefoot Frost Glove Waterproof at Zappos.com (I'd probably go for black, but I kind of like the charcoal). I have a nice pair of LL Bean winter boots, very warm and waterproof, but they are a huge pain to walk in. I don't know how likely it is that I'd really need winter-appropriate boots though, since I'm not tromping around in the snow that much. The Merrell's also would not provide much in the ways of protection should I wear them on the scooter and get in the accident (the Bean boots definitely would, given their weight and thickness).

My mom is willing to go halfsies on any of these, I think.