Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 212

[namelesswonder]

I forgot that if I'm going to try autoimmune protocol, that means no chocolate. Ah well, one thing at a time. First eggs, then, the world.

Trigger warning: discussions of self-harm & suicidal ideation

My thoughts of self-harm have been increasing lately. I was actively thinking about it last night, and too ashamed to tell Boyfriend. I tell him when I'm really feeling bad, and I did tell him I'd been inactively thinking about dying (sort of "what if my scooter went off the road, what if I landed myself in the hospital for a physical ailment, what will it take to catch a break from myself"...which is the kind of thoughts that led me to OD on Tylenol PM when I was 15), but neither of us really knows what to do with that knowledge. Last night, I felt the urge. I could see myself doing it in my mind and got this crawly sensation on my arms. I remembered that I didn't want to mess up my arms so I can get tattoos there over the scars someday, so then I imagined cutting on my legs and felt the prickly feeling there. It's the feeling I get when people talk about gruesome ways that they've broken bones.

I'm trying to think of questions to ask myself to break down these urges and make them more rational, or dismiss them if they are not. If anyone can think of questions to ask me, please do. Don't be afraid of how harsh or insensitive they may seem. I'm tempted to post some of this in FB, asking what people would say to someone who wanted to hurt themselves.

-What would cutting accomplish?: It would serve as a distraction from my head. I could focus on the pain and the action of causing pain instead of the turmoil in my head. The serotonin release would make me feel calmer afterwards, and maybe even tired enough to sleep.
-Is RIGHT NOW worth it?: This is the question that stops me every time. Is this particular situation worth ruining 4 years of progress? No, I don't think it is. It stops me, but it doesn't alleviate much of the pressure I put on myself about these feelings.

But the #1 thing is the fear that Boyfriend would leave me. He told me once that he would, if I cut, and I'm still terrified that he'd hold to that. I don't know why, but I feel like I would feel less pressure if I knew he wouldn't leave me.

[naiadknight]

Are these feelings worth hiding the scars?
Is this who I am, or is this the [anxiety, depression, whathaveyou] talking? Who is in control, the emotion or the human?
Do I really want to explain this later on?
If I take that final step, others will follow me, if only to bring me back. Mine won't be the only life hurt by that final decision. Is it worth hurting others to do that?
Is this mental boredom, mental anguish, anxiety, or a problem in my mind that won't shut up? Can I handle this alone or do I need help? (Cutting and the final decision don't count as handling it alone.)
Are the permanent scars worth the temporary release? Is there a more constructive, rather than destructive release I can use? Can I funnel this somewhere more positive?

[namelesswonder]

Are these feelings worth hiding the scars? - No

Is this who I am, or is this the [anxiety, depression, whathaveyou] talking? Who is in control, the emotion or the human? - I don't think it's me, but it's hard to separate from the feelings.

Do I really want to explain this later on? - I don't want to have to tell Boyfriend, regardless of whether he'd leave me or not. I don't want to have to tell my therapist. There isn't anyone else who would necessary find out, aside from folks here. I would feel like I've let you all down.

If I take that final step, others will follow me, if only to bring me back. Mine won't be the only life hurt by that final decision. Is it worth hurting others to do that? - This is something I've never been able to wrap my head around. I had a friend once, I saw her cuts and staged an awkward intervention immediately after with another friend. I don't think we helped any. I can't really imagine how my actions would affect others.

Is this mental boredom, mental anguish, anxiety, or a problem in my mind that won't shut up? Can I handle this alone or do I need help? (Cutting and the final decision don't count as handling it alone.) - I think I need help, but I'm not sure how/what to ask or do. I'm never sure how close I am to "danger" (actually cutting) since I always think "but I won't do it". What if one time I DO? What do I really want/need? I feel like my brain is in flight mode, like I need to escape something. I know there are plenty of things worth staying and fighting for (not just talking about not dying here), but these feelings cloud the importance of it all.

Are the permanent scars worth the temporary release? Is there a more constructive, rather than destructive release I can use? Can I funnel this somewhere more positive? - With the low motivation, it's hard for me to come up with things I actually feel like doing to get a release. I think of tons of things that would probably help, but I don't do them. Sometimes, it just takes time for the motivation to kick in. I'm still cooking dinner because we can't afford to eat out (though Boyfriend has been picking up the slack here and there for me) or order out, and I'm making those nighttime treats for myself (cocoa and rice pudding), but that's not much. I kind of want to bake, but I should not be eating baked goods with my gut the way it is. I don't feel like doing anything for the apartment.

[cori93437]

Pm...

[naiadknight]

Are these feelings worth hiding the scars? - No

Is this who I am, or is this the [anxiety, depression, whathaveyou] talking? Who is in control, the emotion or the human? - I don't think it's me, but it's hard to separate from the feelings. If you are not in control, if you cannot send away the emotions, you are not the one in control. The emotions are. Being able to at least determine when the emotions are in control and making sure no major decisions or, at least, recognizing the emotions as such and ignoring them, is a step that's hard to make. When you aren't the one willingly having the thoughts, the emotions are controlling you.

Do I really want to explain this later on? - I don't want to have to tell Boyfriend, regardless of whether he'd leave me or not. I don't want to have to tell my therapist. There isn't anyone else who would necessary find out, aside from folks here. I would feel like I've let you all down. You would not have necessarily let me (us?) down. It is very difficult to do that when we love you so much. We want to help you and I know I'm willing to help talk you out of your darkest times, even online or via text. My phone is always on and fb msg goes to it. You are not alone. There are at least a few of us that have been there before and want to help.

If I take that final step, others will follow me, if only to bring me back. Mine won't be the only life hurt by that final decision. Is it worth hurting others to do that? - This is something I've never been able to wrap my head around. I had a friend once, I saw her cuts and staged an awkward intervention immediately after with another friend. I don't think we helped any. I can't really imagine how my actions would affect others. I'll leave this one alone for now, this is something I need to talk to you more on.

Is this mental boredom, mental anguish, anxiety, or a problem in my mind that won't shut up? Can I handle this alone or do I need help? (Cutting and the final decision don't count as handling it alone.) - I think I need help, but I'm not sure how/what to ask or do. I'm never sure how close I am to "danger" (actually cutting) since I always think "but I won't do it". What if one time I DO? What do I really want/need? I feel like my brain is in flight mode, like I need to escape something. I know there are plenty of things worth staying and fighting for (not just talking about not dying here), but these feelings cloud the importance of it all. When the emotions cloud, the emotions are in charge. One thing Geek and I have agreed to, and that might help you, is the knife agreement. If he can tell it's seriously on my mind, he asks for my sharps. That's usually enough to snap me back away from that edge. I can also ask him to hold my sharps and keep me out of the kitchen, if I can feel myself going that direction. Not having that option, even metaphorically, forces my mind down a different path. Another friend I know will symbolically tie her knives shut or put them in a makeshift holster, to remind herself not to if her brain is on that path. Another method is having a go-to, someone willing to talk to you day, night, 3 in the morning, when these thoughts even cross your mind, if you do not trust yourself. Then, be willing to reach out to them. (I know, that's the hard part.) Those that have been there, to my exp, are willing to help anytime, anywhere, any way.

Are the permanent scars worth the temporary release? Is there a more constructive, rather than destructive release I can use? Can I funnel this somewhere more positive? - With the low motivation, it's hard for me to come up with things I actually feel like doing to get a release. I think of tons of things that would probably help, but I don't do them. Sometimes, it just takes time for the motivation to kick in. I'm still cooking dinner because we can't afford to eat out (though Boyfriend has been picking up the slack here and there for me) or order out, and I'm making those nighttime treats for myself (cocoa and rice pudding), but that's not much. I kind of want to bake, but I should not be eating baked goods with my gut the way it is. I don't feel like doing anything for the apartment. Have a hobby, craft, joy, book, something on hand that you can use as distraction and constuctive. If you need to, have it set aside for ONLY those times. Whenever the thoughts come, emind yourself of the little joy or constructive energy thing and use it. Keep it in easy reach, just in case you're feeling particularly low on motivation.

[namelesswonder]

My head is in a much better place today. I had better start writing this entry before I forget things.

Food:
-This blog is inspiring me to find a new breakfast routine. I could easily prep some squash (instead of sweet potato, just in case SIBO is part of my problem) to nuke in the AM, along with pre-cooked chicken or something else.
-Also, that blog reminded me that since I went paleo, I have been wanting to try my hand at brussel sprouts. Roasted, or maybe tossed in a pan with bacon grease. Or roasted with bacon grease drizzled on. I don't know, I keep reading about them with bacon grease or bits and it sounds awesome. I don't even know if you can find them this time of year.
-Had more rice pudding last night. MMPH. So good.
-Had a cup of the butternut squash soup my mom got me (has soymilk in it). I was feeling desperate because I hadn't gotten around to eating lunch yesterday. It was meh. I should dump the rest.

Supplements:
-I took 100mg of 5-HTP just before dinner last night. After dinner, I realized I was sleepy! I played WoW for longer than I should have, took another dose around 9:30 PM, and was in bed by 10.
-I am going to try using the 5-HTP in the evenings instead of Tryptophan during the day. I already feel like it's helped a lot more than the Tryptophan was (felt like it helped initially, but stopped being as effective).
-I'm going to need to get more of my multi-vitamin soon (3 tablets left, I think) so I can take it in the morning. Taking B6 with 5-HTP or the morning after taking it is important for absorption, apparently. I need to re-read The Mood Cure.

Sleep:
-Slept like a log and had a fairly easy time getting up this morning, despite the darkness (very cloudy day plus swiftly decreasing sunlight). Awesome.

TMI:
-I took about 8g total of Vitamin C yesterday, finishing off the sustained release tablets I had, and taking some of the Ester-C in the morning and evening. I also drank an Egyptian Licorice tea that my mom gave me (what was left of the box, anyway). I had a couple of BM's last night, definitely "old" (very dark, odd smell).
-I took 2g of the Ester-C this morning and will take 2g more tonight, and drink a couple of cups of that tea. I don't know if it will be enough, but it's something. My new powdered C might arrive today. I should probably try sticking to one action plan at some point ><
-I'm relieved that it seems like I don't need as much Vit C as I did last week, since I took 8g over the course of the day, instead of 8g+ every 4 hrs and it produced something.

Boyfriend is still being extra supportive and sweet. I told him about my really dark thoughts yesterday and he was very calm about it, asking me when I have therapy again (Friday) and asking me if I'm getting work done (no). He wanted me to write out things I need to do today and he would call me to check in, but I forgot to write the list. I'm still feeling like "ehh...I can put this off, right?" about things at work, which is BAD because I really can't put these things off! It's up to me to pressure the stupid developers in my office to let me do stuff to their computers (stuff that they won't like, to be frank, but it has to be done). A co-worker described me as a borg representative a few weeks ago, in regards to making these changes, and it made me laugh.

"youve been awesome and I reazlie you have a tough position since you are like the borg representative
telling the planet that their planet is being assimilated
and you just are asking them to bring whatever stuff they want not assimilated aboard the [company] cube
most planets dont like that 8-|"

[namelesswonder]

Ah yes, and I was feeling so spry this morning, I did 3x 30 reps of kettlebell swings! I really think I need to get a heavier KB for the swings. Maybe that will be my Christmas wish list this year. I don't think I'm going to get hot buns with low weight and high reps.

And thank you, to everyone to messaged and commented yesterday. I really appreciate your thoughts and support. I'll probably write more introspective stuff later this week, but I'm tapped out right now. And that's a RELIEF.

[Finnegans Wake]

My head is in a much better place today.

Also, that blog reminded me that since I went paleo, I have been wanting to try my hand at brussel sprouts. Roasted, or maybe tossed in a pan with bacon grease. Or roasted with bacon grease drizzled on. I don't know, I keep reading about them with bacon grease or bits and it sounds awesome. I don't even know if you can find them this time of year.

Brussels are awesome. When I was a kid I was subjected to that holy terror of overcooked, soggy vegetables. Smooshy Brussels are Satan's spawn, but you can cut them in half and nuke them, or better still halve them and roast (350F-400F, about 20-30 minutes, until you get some nice crispy bits), turning once. I coat them in some olive oil, S&P, and ready to roll, but bacon grease would be a splendid add. Just roasted some the other night with chopped scallions, and you can add in stuff after they come out, like walnuts and/or bleu cheese (or goat cheese, or whatever).

Roasting brings out the sweetness, and also gives them a nice crunch. And this is the time of year when they're rolling into farmers markets and even grocery stores. Our one local chain just sells whole stalks, you cut them off the stalk yourself. I like that, because one stalk makes a ton of servings, and the sprout-less stalk looks like funky alien spine or something.

Yeah. Sprouts. Good.

[Kakes]

OOOHH... Brussels sprouts. I adore them. The second recipe on this page (Brussels Sprouts, Bacon and Lime) is incredible. I also came up with a Chicken Bacon Brussels Sprout Soup that is to die for. Homemade chicken broth, onion, garlic, mushrooms, red peppers, chicken, bacon and brussels sprouts. It's ridiculously good. I love a good pan of sprouts simply quartered and drizzled in melted butter, salt and pepper and then roasted (about 425 for 30 minutes or so).
Okay... I'll shut up not. I could go on forever.

[naiadknight]

i'm glad your head is in a happier place and you were able to hash out a plan with Boyfriend. I really am.
As to the sprouts, I parboil 'em for a few min, toss 'em in bacon grease or olive oil and garlic, and put 'em under the broiler until the right firmness.