I forgot that if I'm going to try autoimmune protocol, that means no chocolate. Ah well, one thing at a time. First eggs, then, the world.
Trigger warning: discussions of self-harm & suicidal ideation
My thoughts of self-harm have been increasing lately. I was actively thinking about it last night, and too ashamed to tell Boyfriend. I tell him when I'm really feeling bad, and I did tell him I'd been inactively thinking about dying (sort of "what if my scooter went off the road, what if I landed myself in the hospital for a physical ailment, what will it take to catch a break from myself"...which is the kind of thoughts that led me to OD on Tylenol PM when I was 15), but neither of us really knows what to do with that knowledge. Last night, I felt the urge. I could see myself doing it in my mind and got this crawly sensation on my arms. I remembered that I didn't want to mess up my arms so I can get tattoos there over the scars someday, so then I imagined cutting on my legs and felt the prickly feeling there. It's the feeling I get when people talk about gruesome ways that they've broken bones.
I'm trying to think of questions to ask myself to break down these urges and make them more rational, or dismiss them if they are not. If anyone can think of questions to ask me, please do. Don't be afraid of how harsh or insensitive they may seem. I'm tempted to post some of this in FB, asking what people would say to someone who wanted to hurt themselves.
-What would cutting accomplish?: It would serve as a distraction from my head. I could focus on the pain and the action of causing pain instead of the turmoil in my head. The serotonin release would make me feel calmer afterwards, and maybe even tired enough to sleep.
-Is RIGHT NOW worth it?: This is the question that stops me every time. Is this particular situation worth ruining 4 years of progress? No, I don't think it is. It stops me, but it doesn't alleviate much of the pressure I put on myself about these feelings.
But the #1 thing is the fear that Boyfriend would leave me. He told me once that he would, if I cut, and I'm still terrified that he'd hold to that. I don't know why, but I feel like I would feel less pressure if I knew he wouldn't leave me.