Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 203

[naiadknight]

I'm in a better mood today and I decided to delve into one of my old online journals. It's not so scary today, but it doesn't have all the dirty details in it. The main thing I'm noticing is that my depression started much earlier than I'd been remembering. My early entries on this particular journal were from the summer of 2003, and I was clearly already establishing negative thought habits. So I think I was right, that my depression started to take hold around puberty (age 13, in 2002) and is definitely hormonal in origin. Maybe.

-I wanted to be an actor for a while. I had totally forgotten about that. I definitely don't think I was ever cut out for it though, not to mention, lack of talent.
-I thought I was really into fashion for a while. Well, I was, but only my own. I never researched the "industry", I just like planning my own outfits. I still have an interest in this, planning out clothes and coming up with combinations of things, or dreaming about clothes I would like to make (but don't have the skill to do), but I have much fewer clothes now than I did as a teen!
-I had some really great friends back then. The 3 of us were inseparable...until my OD. Then one kind of peaced out and it seemed to us like she picked her boyfriend over trying to deal with me. I never forgave her, and now I just wonder what really happened. The other is the friend whose wedding I'm going to in less than a month! We haven't spoken a lot in the past 6 years since graduating high school, but she's still very near and dear to my heart. I'm kind of hoping that seeing her at the wedding will help rekindle our friendship/contact. And for goodness sake, I can drive now! She's only in NH!

Are you sure you're not me? Really?
I made the same realization about my depression from handwritten journals. It started around the onset of puberty, at 13 (1998.)
Mine wasn't acting, mine was writing. I entertained stage acting for a while, but ego tripping directors beat that idea out of me.
Back in the day, there was a pack of us. Dallas Guy, RA Girl, Blue Haired Wonder, and I were the core. Others kinda drifted in and out, but the 4 of us were pretty close. Then BHW made a rash of bad decisions and fell off the face of the planet (I only recently found her on fb,) her and Dallas Guy broke up, I went off to college, and RA Girl went up north to go to college. RA Girl got very religious, I got very atheist. The group broke apart for several years. Here in the past several years we've reknit via fb. RA Girl and I are back to old friends, BHW and I are slowly getting to reknow one another and figure out what needs to stay in the past, Dallas Guy and I are still recovering from trying to date before I met Geek, RA Girl is reknitting with BHW and Dallas Guy, and Dallas Guy is recovering from dating or crushing on all 3 of us. Dallas Guy had to bow out of being my man of honor due to life getting in the way; I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid for RA Girl when the time comes; and BHW named one of her spawn after me while she was away.

[namelesswonder]

Oh I was an awesome emo poet as a teen too. Shifted to wanting to be a "writer" in late teens and in college, but never got serious about it. Hence: English major. My Drama teacher in high school was mostly awesome

@ crushing on the gals: After I lost that one friend, I started to hang out with two guys, for the most part. One, a new student from San Diego, was so non-threatening, he became a very close friend of mine (attended his wedding in Virginia last year). The other developed a crush on me (now he travels the world doing trapeze stuff, it's pretty awesome, but he's turned into kind of a tool and we don't really talk anymore). Sex scared the living daylights out of me until about 17, and I have no idea why. I was repulsed and terrified by the idea of someone wanting to do anything more than kiss and cuddle. I'm very glad that that friend never acted on that, or our relationship would have fallen apart a lot sooner. Maybe when I can drink beer again, I'll invite him out for drinks.

I can't imagine having someone name their kid after me. That's pretty cool. I have no idea what I'd name my hypothetical future children. It's not something I ever thought about all that much (nor did I dream about my wedding, like a lot of stereotypical girls supposedly do). I just know I don't like Juniors.

[namelesswonder]

Mood thing worth mentioning: I just wanted to log on to play some Mists of Pandaria last night, but my add-on client (Curse Client) is bugged. It's actually a Windows component that's making it bugged, but it meant I spent at least an hour, if not longer, getting irrationally pissed off at my computer. I tried everything I could to fix it, based on the solutions I found, but it's fucked. I have to reformat if I want to update my add-ons. I can't even uninstall the programs affected! I'll probably start the back-up process tonight, but keep playing without worrying about the add-ons. They work just fine, I just can't update them. I'll fix it on the weekend.

I HATE reformatting. Re-installing all your programs really sucks. I have a solid state drive so I really don't have to worry about stuff slowing down, so reformatting is pretty pointless for me.

Anyway, Boyfriend was very cool about reminding me to chill the fuck out, instead of flaring right back up at me. I just hate coming home to have to fix things like I do at work. I tend to lose my patience when helping my mom with computer things, too. Something I must try to be more aware of.

Also, I really need to write up directions for my brother so he can take photos off his camera. I'm pretty sure he's never emptied the memory card, and he's had the camera for over a year now, I think.

[jenn26point2]

Holy crap, I was 22 or 23 when you were thirteen!!

As for lacking skills, you can always find a not-so-expensive sewing machine on Craigslist or even at Walmart (they have some low end models that are really affordable) and practice til you DO have the skills to make clothes. Maybe it can be your next new hobby??

[naiadknight]

Oh I was an awesome emo poet as a teen too. Shifted to wanting to be a "writer" in late teens and in college, but never got serious about it. Hence: English major. My Drama teacher in high school was mostly awesome

@ crushing on the gals: After I lost that one friend, I started to hang out with two guys, for the most part. One, a new student from San Diego, was so non-threatening, he became a very close friend of mine (attended his wedding in Virginia last year). The other developed a crush on me (now he travels the world doing trapeze stuff, it's pretty awesome, but he's turned into kind of a tool and we don't really talk anymore). Sex scared the living daylights out of me until about 17, and I have no idea why. I was repulsed and terrified by the idea of someone wanting to do anything more than kiss and cuddle. I'm very glad that that friend never acted on that, or our relationship would have fallen apart a lot sooner. Maybe when I can drink beer again, I'll invite him out for drinks.

I can't imagine having someone name their kid after me. That's pretty cool. I have no idea what I'd name my hypothetical future children. It's not something I ever thought about all that much (nor did I dream about my wedding, like a lot of stereotypical girls supposedly do). I just know I don't like Juniors.

Yeah, I thought it was cool. She knew that I prefer my middle name over my first name (just too lazy to actually get people to do that and everyone mispronounces it), so she named her kid that.
I've thought about my hypothetical kids names. The possible first girl will in all likelihood be Eris [family middle name I dodged.] The possible first boy we don't have figured out, but I can guarantee you it won't be Geek's name. Geek is already a junior, and I'll be fucked if I'm having a III as a kid. We were thinking about Ares, Odin, or my father's name.

[namelesswonder]

Holy crap, I was 22 or 23 when you were thirteen!!

As for lacking skills, you can always find a not-so-expensive sewing machine on Craigslist or even at Walmart (they have some low end models that are really affordable) and practice til you DO have the skills to make clothes. Maybe it can be your next new hobby??

I was born in '88. I think you are 8 yrs older than me?

I've had a sewing machine for years, I just suck I've gotten better over the years, but it's definitely not something that comes naturally to me (or maybe I could use some real instruction from a seamstress).

[naiadknight]

You're about 3 years younger than me (Feb '85.)
I actually taught myself to sew on the machine with a 9 square quilt, or whatever it's called (the one where each large square is made of 9 mini squares or alternating fabrics.) Once I mastered straight lines, I started trying to tailor things I really didn't care if I lost (like pants that were way too big anyways.) Beyond that, I started with VERY basic patterns, like a circle skirt and worked my way up. I'm still uncomfortable sewing knits or elastic.

[namelesswonder]

Resizing t-shirts was my thing for a while, but I always mess them up in one way or another. I can't deal with measurements, those clothes come out terribly; I just pinch & pin, or use existing clothes as reference. I also take in/up my pants when needed (I like straight-leg pants, which is between skinny & boot-cut).

I have a few sweaters/shirts that need taking in, I can probably manage those without mucking it up too badly, but gone are the days when I buy thrift store pieces solely for the purpose of reconstruction. I'm not that adventurous anymore and my hemming skills are atrocious.

[jenn26point2]

Actually, I'm 11 years older than you. December 79.

I'm ok with quilting (usually do it by hand, not machine), and I created some clothes once for 4H, but haven't done anything since. Haven't tried, nor do I have the time to try. Maybe someday.

[WarlordBlade]

*checks his fingers* How come I'm 8 months older than jenn but 2 years closer to nameless??

Must be fuzzy Washington Math or something...

I still feel old.