Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 202

[naiadknight]

*serial killer Een-een-een with stabby motions*

[namelesswonder]

I don't know. It *sounded* like wood getting chippered. Coulda been bones.

I wonder what time it was when I got up to investigate the sound. Boyfriend turned off the light so we could peer out the window together and it reminded me of living in his parents' attic, when he'd be up late on the computer, and somehow I could sleep with the glow of his monitor surrounding me.

BTW, I apparently like sardines. I even sucked it up and drank the olive oil that they were in (fat boost ftw). Guess that'll be my lunch for the next 9 work days! 26g of protein per tin, 12g of fat, but I don't know if that's including the liquid.

[justyouraveragecavemen]

Frozen people probably sound like wood getting chipped.

[cori93437]

Of course they do... I even provided that snazzy Fargo clip to 'prove'it.

Hollywood says so... it MUST be true!

[namelesswonder]

I feel like I need to ramble more.

Took another Tryptophan just now, feeling a little too overwhelmed with nostalgia.

Like NK, I get very nostalgic at this time of year. I'm prone to nostalgia in general, part of my depressive personality I guess. I used to separate my personalities, not in a really clinical way, but to define myself and try to keep some part of me separate from the depression. I'm not sure if this will make sense to anyone but me. I found the name Eowithien when hunting around for Elven sounding names online when I was 14 yrs old or so, so that's the identity I used on most places. I haven't been able to find the source site since then.

eowithien

It's weird that you can find snippets of me online from that long ago. It feels like a long time ago. I've grown a lot since then, I think.

I still have one old active online journal from 2003-2004. I just made the mistake of skimming through some entries. I want to keep reading, to get some insight into how I used to be. I was fairly eloquent for a 15 yr old, I think. But I shouldn't. It just makes me sad, to know that I was in that much pain. I don't really remember it. I don't think people understand that, when I tell them, unless they've been depressed for an extended period of time too.

Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Separation Anxiety

I don't know what to do with her. I have all those written journals too. Today is not a day to decide on that. Over the summer, at a few points, I thought I might like to read through them all, just once, and type up any entries that stuck out to me, and throw them all out. I am generally capable and good about throwing old things out, even gifts (if I don't like them), but these books... I keep thinking I should keep them locked up in the attic. What good will they do there? It's not as though I'd want anyone else to read them. Those written memories are all I have of that time of my life, except for the scars and the sad photos. Is that really something I want to hold onto?

[naiadknight]

I have old written journals dating back to when I was 12. Reading through that time frame hurts, both because of the associated memories and to know that I was in that much pain and no one saw it. They stay in the bottom of an unused desk end table. They're accessible, but not in my face. I would suggest keeping them, but in an inaccessible place, for posterity. You may not ever want to see them again, but future generations might or someone might want to write your story. I'm keeping mine for those reasons and to remind myself of how far I've grown.

[namelesswonder]

I realized I essentially have a teenage memoir that could be written from all that material. That was kind of my thought behind keeping them, that maybe I could turn it into something that is uplifting for depressed teens, but it doesn't have a really clear happy ending (yet?). I guess trying to delude other kids into thinking there is a knight in shining armor waiting to whisk them away or lift the mental clouds is not the way to go, but the truth sucks: you have to drag yourself out of that dark place.

Of course, all this makes me think of more recent dark times, like the guy I was involved with before Boyfriend. I hate knowing how manipulated I was by him. I just wasn't strong enough to figure it out and get away.

[namelesswonder]

I posted this tumblr blog on FB yesterday. Lots of lovely body-positive messages in there. I said, "Awesome blog. Really needed it today." And some Douche-nut McCocksauce (there's a Boyfriend classic for you) came in with something like, "If you are overweight, you are not healthy."

Really. REALLY. REALLY?! Because that seems totally appropriate given my comment and the nature of the blog? I deleted his comment and said something along those lines in a message to him (FB gives you the option to notify someone about why their comment is being deleted). The good thing is, I don't really know this guy, so I have no qualms about just unfriending him. He was a friend of a friend in high school. Maybe a bit rash of me, but there's no need for me to put up with things that make me uncomfortable or irritated. My immediate response to his comment was be really pissed off. I wanted to call him out, but decided it would be better to avoid public discussion, since I'm not good at backing up my arguments when I feel angry.

Shark week has arrived [[relieved]], but it brought with it a new pimple (on my chin, which I guess usually indicates hormone fluctuations), cramps, and some anxiety. That explains the irrational chocolate eating yesterday. Someone left a Godiva chocolate assortment on the kitchen table at work, and I snagged a few. I can't really savor chocolates anymore, I just snarf them down. I had steamed chicken with veggies and white rice, to which I added copious amounts of Kerrygold butter. Boyfriend wanted Chinese from a particular place and they had a "healthy" section with no added sauces or anything, so that's what I ordered from. The sticky rice was great, but I didn't feel full until I had a little bit of chocolate after dinner. I still haven't gone to stock up on meat & veg again, but we still have a couple of dinner's worth of chicken already cooked. Payday is tomorrow!

I couldn't fall asleep last night. Maybe it was too much screen time before bed? The TV doesn't usually bother me; we watched The Grey. It was pretty intense, but I liked it. I read for a while, when I realized I wouldn't be falling asleep anytime soon. At some point, I realized I felt really groggy, like I'd been woken up in the middle of the night, so I went to bed. I don't know when that was.

My knee does not hurt nearly as much today. Just a little twinge on the stairs. I should be able to do some kettlebell work tonight. I would still like to bike, but I'm not really feeling my current route and haven't been able to figure out anywhere safe but still long to ride.

I'm still trying to do a no-poo like hair routine, but it's not really working out. I like my Yes to Cucumbers conditioner; it works really well on the length of my hair, but makes my roots greasy. If I avoid my roots, they get grimy after a while. It seems like I can get by just using the conditioner once or twice a week. My head was super itchy yesterday, I think partially due to the changing seasons (the rest of me was pretty itchy last night, too), so I rubbed some oil onto my scalp (I forget what's in it, I picked it up a few months ago) and used the conditioner this morning to lessen the oiliness a bit. It helped somewhat, but it'll be another day before the oil works its way out. Brushing a lot with my boar bristle brush doesn't seem to help. Ah well, at least my hair is super soft (if a bit oily), shiny, and smells nice for today. This weekend, assuming I get to touch up my roots, I'll just use the conditioner to help get the bleach out, and I'll mix a bit in with the pink dye since the brand I'm going to buy is very thick. I also need to get my hair trimmed in the back, it's getting way too thick.

[TMI] Boyfriend agreed to take Caprylic acid for a full week while I take it too to help ensure that he's not passing yeast back to me. We're not 100% about condom use, if I'm being completely honest. There hasn't been a need to take the morning after pill in a while, after way too many "accidents", but we're still not being completely safe about it. I'll pick up a bottle at VitaminShoppe on Saturday, when I'm out that way for my eye doctor appointment.

[naiadknight]

I enjoyed that tumblr thingy you put up. I didn't catch McCocksauce or I would've bitchslapped him across the web.
I still can't do no-poo. It just doesn't work here when you need to look ok for a job.

[namelesswonder]

I'm in a better mood today and I decided to delve into one of my old online journals. It's not so scary today, but it doesn't have all the dirty details in it. The main thing I'm noticing is that my depression started much earlier than I'd been remembering. My early entries on this particular journal were from the summer of 2003, and I was clearly already establishing negative thought habits. So I think I was right, that my depression started to take hold around puberty (age 13, in 2002) and is definitely hormonal in origin. Maybe.

-I wanted to be an actor for a while. I had totally forgotten about that. I definitely don't think I was ever cut out for it though, not to mention, lack of talent.
-I thought I was really into fashion for a while. Well, I was, but only my own. I never researched the "industry", I just like planning my own outfits. I still have an interest in this, planning out clothes and coming up with combinations of things, or dreaming about clothes I would like to make (but don't have the skill to do), but I have much fewer clothes now than I did as a teen!
-I had some really great friends back then. The 3 of us were inseparable...until my OD. Then one kind of peaced out and it seemed to us like she picked her boyfriend over trying to deal with me. I never forgave her, and now I just wonder what really happened. The other is the friend whose wedding I'm going to in less than a month! We haven't spoken a lot in the past 6 years since graduating high school, but she's still very near and dear to my heart. I'm kind of hoping that seeing her at the wedding will help rekindle our friendship/contact. And for goodness sake, I can drive now! She's only in NH!