Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 198

[namelesswonder]

Hrm.

-I have a pimple on my chin. This is usually an indicator of hormone fluctuations. I already know my hormones are whack from my last period and the crazy moods I've had...for basically this entire month.
-Shark week should be soon? I'm not really sure at this point. I'll get a test if it's not here by the weekend. With all the obvious hormonal issues I've been having, pregnancy is definitely a relevant fear right now (I did take a test when I got a mid-cycle period earlier this month).
-I got a cold sore sometime late last week. I didn't really pay attention to it until Saturday evening when I realized it IS a cold sore. Very small one. I'm tea-treeing it and then slathering on Carmex. It's diminished in appearance and much less sensitive. I don't know how people manage to get rid of them within a few days, it always takes me a full week. I haven't had one in over a year, at least. Maybe not since going Primal. My poor system is clearly stressed.
-The itch is back. Not intensely, but it's there. I'm taking grapefruit seed extract again for a little while. The cookies are gone and I have no coconut milk to make hot cocoa, so sugar should be low. I'm still going to have potatoes a few times a week though. Probably a stupid idea, but I'm sick of eating LC.

I had a weak moment and bought the new Trader Joe's coconut cream. Ew. Don't buy it. It tastes and smells like wood pulp. They have a very liberal return policy so I was even able to return the opened can. I just want some affordable full-fat coconut milk! I don't think the cashiers believed me, they were just like, "Oh, I should try some in the back room!" NO DON'T IT'S DISGUSTING. They seemed to tune out or completely not comprehend the part where I said, "I wanted something with more fat," it was amusing.

Also, yes, so I made more almond flour cookies. They were really bland with coconut oil instead of butter. I have another bag of flour... I keep saying to myself, "Well, it's gone now, no more," about different things, but then I either a)eat something else that's bad for me or b) make it later anyway. I don't know what to do differently to make that not happen, so all I can do is keep saying it. The cookies are gone now and I won't make more for a while. I think almonds are too inflammatory for me. My knees were very stiff this morning when I did some kettlebell exercises.

I did not reach my fitness goals last week. I didn't get on the bike once. With my allergies still coming on really strongly, I felt wiped out for most of the weekend. I didn't sleep properly. Anxiety kept me up on Saturday night when Boyfriend stayed out drinking (he did not think he would be out all night, but got too drunk and crashed at a hotel with other people he was out with). I figured he was safe, but it still makes me feel really terrible, not knowing for sure. I had to stay up until I felt sick to my stomach with fatigue (2 AM), so I got about 4.5 hrs of sleep.

I need to bring a small stash of Tryptophan to work. Some days, I can tell one capsule was not enough. Today, I am feeling overall okay, but a bit pessimistic. I am lamenting several things I wanted to do this season that I don't think I'll be able to do. I wanted to write a blog post about it, but I try not to be too mopey on the blog. I should not be so afraid of letting other people know how I'm feeling, I guess.

Halloween: Boyfriend and I were going to be Castiel and Anna, angels from the show Supernatural, but his costume requires too many purchases. We're going to try to think of something easier/more affordable. Bruce Banner post-Hulk would be an easy/fun costume for him (he loves the Hulk and it's one of his nicknames due to similarity to his last name), but I don't know what I could be to go with that (Natasha Romanov? Appropriate for the name, but I would need boots, utility belt, and some kind of stretchy/zippy top to go with black leggings). Last year, we threw a party and it was pretty cheap and fun. I think this year, we might just go out dancing & for drinks. I wonder if I could find a t-shirt with an image of a male bare-chest for him, since he could not go shirtless to a club. This weekend, we went out to dinner somewhere new (sushi, it was good, service was very slow). It felt like the first time we've really sat down and spent time together in a while. Boyfriend said, "This is our season." My memories are too caught up in the recent past, I can't remember what our previous Autumns together were like, but it's heartening to know he feels that way. Every week, I realize more and more things are changing with him, things that I'd forgotten were missing or not quite right, and it's terribly relieving. He's been showing how he feels much more lately (lots of affectionate gestures), and it's all positive. <3

The changes are still slow, there are still times that he worries more than he ought to, or it takes more pressure than it should to get him to do something simple (cleaning up is the #1 problem), but they are changes. I am willing to be patient. I think I've gotten better at it. I almost feel inclined to melt down a bit, knowing that he can be there to help me now. That's foolish. I have nothing to melt about. I'm doing fine, but the pressure sure has bottled up this year. No wonder I am trying to blow my money on everything.

You know what I really want to do? Snuggle and watch The Nightmare Before Christmas. I realized yesterday that this is my longest relationship yet, at 2 yrs and 9 months. I broke up with my ex around 2 years and 8 months. This relationship feels much longer already than that one, but probably because we aren't apart during the summer or winter breaks.

[naiadknight]

Goofy as hell, but y'all could do Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable.
I know the bottling issue and the need to melt down. It's hard to have a cathartic release when you don't have a straw to break the camel's back. I know I occasionally hafta go dredging into the muck to get what I need for a release to make everything feel better. I wouldn't recommend it unless going without a release is worse than going dredging. (sounds like you may need a sappy movie or dredging though, just sayin'.)
It is Nightmare season. Get Boyfriend in for a cuddle.

[namelesswonder]

I forgot I used to watch that show! I think I was older than the target age group. It's all good. Was she the one with braces? Wait no, that was Braceface.

Today is a rough day already. I am having a hard time letting myself feel things. I feel like all my little tumblr posts and reblogs (basically re-posting something someone else posted because I agree with it or find it interesting/pretty etc.) are not me, today. Like, why did I not consider that it's okay for someone to have (what I think are) stupid knuckle tattoos, and fuck the "history" behind knuckle tattoos and the fact that it says "PRINCESS"? I might think they will regret it, but they are entitled to make their own mistakes. I shouldn't be so judgmental, but I should also stop caring what other people think.

I've got GABA Calm if things get crazy, but I think it's just going to be a slow simmer kind of day. Meaning, I might melt down at the end of the day, but I've got it handled for now.

[naiadknight]

As related by a prev post of mine, I totally get you on letting yourself feel. And worrying what people think while wondering if you're being judgmental. There are just days you want to throw your entire emotional side in a cage for the day and tell it to sort its own damn self out. I can tell you that, you aren't being particularly judgmental with the tattoo thing. You have your own opinions, and they don't mesh with what the owner of that tat thought. It's not judgmental to have your own opinions. It gets judgmental when you start extrapolating out from the tattoo to the character/ personality of the person. As to what others think, I've said it time and again, esp on fb: fuck'em. I know that's hard to pound through your own head. The fuck'em attitude is one place where I literally faked it til I made it. I pretended like I didn't care, I went on a little tirade abt how it's none of their damn business, over and over and over, until it became a habit and I actually started believing it.
As to the cartoon: yeah, I was older than their demographic too (I think we're approx the same age). It was the one with the redhead and the nekkid mole rat.

[namelesswonder]

Re: faking it till you make it: This was never an area I excelled in. My friend once gave me "confidence lessons". We worked on my posture and walk. I was shocked to find it working, we got a lot of ogles from older guys while strutting the beach (we were 16). I was a scrawny teen, she was short and...endowed. I'm better about my presence now, but my face rarely hides how I'm feeling and that can be problematic. Today, I am trying to restrain the copious sighs that want to erupt from me.

I want to touch up my roots this weekend and re-pink. Boyfriend doesn't really want to help with the back (not enough mirrors in the world would make me do this on my own) because it's "so slow and boring" so I guess I will see if my mom will do it.

Can it be Friday now? I will have more money and can mentally reset my budget for October.

Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: J&#39;suis là pour ça

[naiadknight]

With fake it til you make it, I have issues doing it without copious amounts of effort. I can usually control most of my expressions, but the initial expression still makes a lightning appearance if you're carefully watching my face.

[jenn26point2]

I'm not good at faking it til I make it either. Too much work.

[namelesswonder]

Things I forgot to note:
I voluntarily broke my wheat-free streak today when a co-worker shared some apple sharlotka (a Russian cake/pie, losely translates to "lazy cake"). He was too sweet about it, I couldn't say no. He brought in a slice just for me! It was tasty and I don't feel like I'm going to go off on a wheaty binge or anything.

My appetite has been super screwed up lately. It links directly to my awful fucking moods, I know, and my terrible gut health. Quercetin and sardines should be here tomorrow from Vitacost (I *think* I tried sardines and liked them, going to bring them for lunches at work), so at least my allergies should hopfully become manageable quite soon. I really hope that stuff works, better than Zyrtec! No ETA on my special Vitamin C powder yet.

[justyouraveragecavemen]

I can't eat sardines. Well, technically I can, but I find it most disagreeable with my taste buds.

[naiadknight]

Sardines and I are friends, so long as I can find some that aren't packed in fucking cottonseed oil or cottonseed/ olive oil.