Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 193

[namelesswonder]

I wrote a new success story for the 21-day challenge. I've submitted one before, but I don't think I wrote it well, and it's never been published. I think the new one is much better and details my journey with clearer focus on my symptoms and goals. The main theme of it is that I'm a work in a progress, but that I'm really happy to be that way! I might publish it in my blog, if it doesn't get published on the site.

Therapy was very positive today.

I'm fucking HUNGRY, yo! Stop & Shop has Lara Bars at 10/$10 right now, which is super tempting, except that I probably shouldn't be eating them right now (I've had nuts on and off over the past month or so, but I know I would just make a meal out of these things). All I've got to eat immediately after work is kefir, and not much of it. I guess the bike to Whole Foods & TJ Maxx will be sufficiently distracting until dinner, but I know I'm going to be hungry after. What can I pick up as a filler that's not too fibrous? I guess the ice cream in the freezer is always a (not wise) option. I had a little last night. The pumpkin was so good!

Just a couple more hours to kill. It's a slow day, after a fairly busy week.

[naiadknight]

I wrote a new success story for the 21-day challenge. I've submitted one before, but I don't think I wrote it well, and it's never been published. I think the new one is much better and details my journey with clearer focus on my symptoms and goals. The main theme of it is that I'm a work in a progress, but that I'm really happy to be that way! I might publish it in my blog, if it doesn't get published on the site.

Therapy was very positive today.

I'm fucking HUNGRY, yo! Stop & Shop has Lara Bars at 10/$10 right now, which is super tempting, except that I probably shouldn't be eating them right now (I've had nuts on and off over the past month or so, but I know I would just make a meal out of these things). All I've got to eat immediately after work is kefir, and not much of it. I guess the bike to Whole Foods & TJ Maxx will be sufficiently distracting until dinner, but I know I'm going to be hungry after. What can I pick up as a filler that's not too fibrous? I guess the ice cream in the freezer is always a (not wise) option. I had a little last night. The pumpkin was so good!

Just a couple more hours to kill. It's a slow day, after a fairly busy week.

lettuce, cheese, and lunch meat for quick roll ups?

[namelesswonder]

I love roll-ups. That's a good idea. I could even nibble before heading home... Trader Joe's has Applegate stuff, probably for a little cheaper than Whole Foods, but since they are right across the street from each other, I will do some price shopping

[justyouraveragecavemen]

....I will do some price shopping

I love it! Price match FTW!

[namelesswonder]

Last check-in before the self-imposed MDA blackout: One of the side effects of Boyfriend's anti-nausea meds is facial spasms. Benadryl counteracts it, according to his doc. His face started spasming at soccer practice so he had to leave early. Then he got tired at home. I made him eat soup for dinner (only 200 calories though, so if he wakes up, he's going to be hungry) since he is still nauseated when he doesn't take the pills, and still going to the bathroom way too much. I'll probably make him take more grapefruit seed extract and do my best to get him off wheat for the weekend. I don't think I'll be very successful, but at least I have complete control over what gets made for dinner. I will probably pick up a small chicken, onions, carrots, and kale to make chicken in the crock pot on Sunday, and bone broth after. Wish I could make it sooner, but I need the pot for yogurt!

The dress was there, size 6 fits beautifully and I feel like I look better in it since it's squeezing a bit less. Now I have TWO pretty purple dresses, and only one wedding to go to!

[WarlordBlade]

Congrats on the dress! What's the self-imposed MDA blackout for? Good luck!

[me2]

I like your new hairs, and a size 6 is a beautiful thing. The purple will go w/ your do. Hope everything is okay w/ your BF! That sounds rough.

[namelesswonder]

A while back, I decided I'd stay off MDA on weekends because I found myself trying o waste time on the forums and it just kept me on the computer longer. I'm on the computer all day at work, so I'm just trying to separate it a bit so computer time on the weekend is less about boredom and more about fun. I forgot once and popped on this past weekend, but redirected myself to the weekend links and all was fine.

I might have blue hair within the next month. I put a little Fishbowl Blue and Midnight blue on my hair (on the top layer, so now I have two stupidly placed streaks haha) to see how it would come out over the fading pink. The Fishbowl Blue came out VERY blue, it's nice. The Midnight Blue came out kind of blurple. I think it's too dark for now. Now I wait to see how they fade. If the pink base prevents fading to green tones, I'm IN. This color would look rad with a purple dress, too. I'm pretty much out of Fishbowl Blue though (bought it years ago, I rarely throw out my hair dye unless it's empty), but I have to wait to see how it fades before I dye it. It's been just about a month since I last pinked, which means I could technically touch up roots and re-dye in about two weeks, but I might try to stretch it out till closer to my friend's wedding on October 26 for the freshest color. That's a lot of re-growth

Weekend recap: Bought my dress, first batch of yogurt came out clumpy (I think it got too cold overnight), second batch came out gloriously, got to meet my godfather's adorable new puppy (a lab/some kind of terrier mix, medium-sized dog, seems mostly grown at 7 months), cleared out some stuff in my parents' attic crawlspace, stashed some of my old high school/college stuff in the attic crawlspace (things that made me think, "I think I'd like to go through this someday, but I have no interest in weeding out the trash in here today"), had lunch at the sketchy Colombian place, and ate TONGUE for the first time. It was delicious (much less fibrous than common muscle meat, very soft and almost chewy, but then it gives in under your teeth... seemed kind of like the consistency of pork fat). I felt a little creeped out eating it, had to stop myself from thinking of mooing cows with their tongues visible. It's interesting how we disassociate from other muscle meats. It's just a slab from somewhere in an animal, but the tongue is so separate and defined. The sketchy Colombian place is totally run by the mob. There are rarely other people in there, and the place is full of flat-screen TVs and fancy chandeliers (with mid-range priced food). I can't say no to guanabana smoothies and an appetizer plate full of meat (including fried pork belly!!!). The ice cream is gone: I could not restrain myself from eating it even though I've been trying to go off dairy for a little while. It didn't seem to bother my stomach except to give me gas last night.

I nicked my finger pretty good while cutting the stringy fat off the steaks last night. Boyfriend had to finish making dinner and the steaks came out terribly. One of them was entirely uncooked in the middle. I learned that it's very hard to teach someone how to make steaks in one evening. Perhaps we'll try again sometime, but I will tell him not to do ANYTHING without me saying so. Pouring off the juices is no bueno, need to keep that stuff pooled on the steaks for maximum juiciness! I don't know how that steak ended up raw though... it was cooked just the same as the rest and they were all resting at room temperature for over an hour! I'll slice it up and finish cooking it for breakfast or lunch tomorrow. No lunch today, just didn't have it in me to deal with anything, even just slicing up a pre-cooked pork chop. I stayed up late over the weekend, but still woke up early, so I guess I'm a little sleep deprived.

Well, I think I've lost a couple pounds from the bug last week (it appears to be over, but now I'm back to constipated, unless my intestines just don't have anything to produce yet after clearing house haha). Scale at work shows roughly 118 lbs. I can see it in the mirror; my upper abs are slightly defined and my arms are thinner. As soon as I think I get my body image down pat and cozy, it's thrown for a loop and I'm left feeling very confused. Is it okay to be happy with this loss? I actually preferred how my arms looked before the loss. My shoulders look too scrawny now. It's been a good motivator to do more push-ups though. I busted out 6 knee push-ups the other day. I don't know if I've ever done that many in proper form before!

I hit both of my 21-Day Challenge goals last week: 2x biking, 2x kettlebells/body weight. I actually did more weight stuff than just twice during the weekend, but none of it was an extended session (20+ minutes), mostly just "Oh, hey, look: the kettlebell. I will do something with it."

I'm listening to the new Amanda Palmer album. She has it available for free. I like it better than her last one, I think, but I don't like all of the songs that most other people seem to. "Massachusetts Aveune" is a popular one for people from Boston, since it's about Mass Ave (that runs through my town, Cambridge, into Boston), but I didn't really like the melody that much. I think I like "Smile (Pictures or It Didn't Happen)" best so far.

I'm tired of worrying about money. I need to stop telling my mom things that I am dreaming about getting/need to buy, because she's buying me things. She bought me an awesome cauldron mug set from Williams Sonoma and a Pyrex measuring cup, but I don't need those things. What I do need is warmer gloves. It was in the 40s this morning! I hope I can hold out till next month for that.

I had TERRIBLE anxiety yesterday. No Tryptophan today, in case that's the culprit. I think so. Maybe my body just needed a temporary boost, for less than a week. So far, so good?

[namelesswonder]

Moar hair thoughts: I could have Boyfriend help me touch up the roots over the weekend, or over the last weekend of the month, then put the blue over the pink the week before the wedding.

Anxiety is okay today. Feeling stressed, but it's because I'm busy. Sssssssuper sleepy. Not looking forward to making dinner tonight. I gave Boyfriend the weekend off since he has been feeling so crummy. Sugar is highly tempting these days. I was *this* close to going out for almond meal and chocolate chip cookies at Trader Joe's last night so I could make cookies.

[namelesswonder]

Hot chocolate (TJ's light coconut milk, slightly watered down for more liquid (if I do this again, I won't water down the rest of the coconut milk because it was plenty), and several chunks of TJ's 72% dark chocolate from the 1 pound bar, heated & whisked to incorporate) and grain-free cookies (from this recipe, I had to bake for about 20 minutes!). Oh yes, and my adorable mugs that I'm spamming everywhere. I think the cocoa needed a pinch of salt, or some vanilla extract, or else maybe the melted chocolate bar just won't work well for cocoa. The 1-lb bar is only $2.99 or $3.99, so despite the soy lecithin, I think it's a deal worth taking advantage of! The cookies are slightly toasty (in texture and taste), but they fulfill my cookie desire without ravaging my stomach. I messily chopped up more of the big chocolate bar for the chips. I was stuffed last night, so I didn't eat breakfast this morning.

Dinner last night was sausages and broccoli. I think I've got my raw sausage technique down. They were so juicy. I start them off in a high-sided pot with a bit of water (not even enough to go halfway up the sides of the sausages), cover on, heat low. Leave them there for 5-10 minutes, flip them over when the water is bubbling up between the links to make sure they're getting cooked all through. I heat up my small cast iron towards the end of the time (that's kind of guessed/eye-balled) and apply some fat-of-choice to crisp a couple sides of the sausages. If I don't mess with them or flip them too much or raise the heat tooooo much, they don't burst until you slice into them on the plate. But even if they do, I make sure to pour the juice off onto the broc.

I don't know what's up with my body lately, but I'm liking it! I busted out even more push-ups last night and did some goblet squats. The points that Fitocracy assigns for bodyweight activities is pretty measly, but it spurs me a little to do more! I might end up making my weight exercises a daily thing. Surpassing my 2x weekly goal would be pretty awesome.

It looks like I should've gotten a stitch on the nick on my finger from two nights ago. Now that it's not filled with blood, I can see it was pretty deep, and it did take a while to stop bleeding (it wasn't gushing, but it oozed for a while, no matter how much pressure I put on it). Boyfriend said I'll get a little raised scar there. Kitchen battle scars! I am okay with this kind of scar . I have good days and bad days with the rest of mine. I still want to mostly cover them with tattoos (and fortunately they're not so raised/weren't so deep that it will be noticeable or likely interfere with my skin accepting the ink). The idea I have to fill the back of my right upper-arm (behind the owl & bald eagle) involves lupins (my grandmother's favorite flower) and honey bees (my grandpa kept them, I have memories of nibbling honey comb in the basement of their house). Maybe my cat too. I love the fluff-ball style that my artist uses on cats. I'm not sure if the space is enough for the idea I have, but I will ask her about it when I have the money to start! I'd be okay with moving this to my calf/lower leg.

I need to save up to get new lenses for my glasses =\ Boyfriend finally filled his prescription and it came to about $148 with a 15% discount for AARP, but he didn't get non-glare. I had plain lenses once and the glare drove me so crazy that I never wore them! I didn't need to wear my glasses much then, but I rely on them a lot now, so I'll have to splurge, which takes it up to about $212 (my insurance also gives them a 15% discount). It'd be a 25% discount if I got new frames too, but I like my frames and I just got them in 2010. I don't know how I'm going to spare $200 anytime soon, but I should really do it ASAP to be safe.

Boyfriend left me a cute link on FB last night while he was drunk-raiding. Made me laugh and smile this morning. He's started running drills with his soccer team, which means lots of laps. I'm so glad to see him happier. He applied at a friend's office since they're hiring for the Winter season for temps. The pay is really good for entry-level data entry, and since he has a currently employed reference, I think he has a decent chance of getting a spot! The hours would suck though, and I'm really not sure he could make it work while soccer season is going (but I don't know when the job starts).

Brain is good today. I don't think I was really anxious yesterday at all, except in the evening when I worried about Boyfriend drinking a bit. I had trouble falling asleep because the earplugs are not nearly as effective at drowning him out as the air conditioner was (he wasn't even being loud, just talking on his headset).