In the process of cleaning up the food I eat, I've thought a lot about temptations and triggers. I currently have most of a large piece of dark chocolate in my work desk, just in case I'm really craving something sweet. It's been there for about a month and I've only had a few small pieces, but it tempts me at least once a week. I am currently craving it A LOT.
How am I resisting eating it? Wouldn't it be easier to just not buy these things/not have them close by to avoid eating them? What's the harm in just a little? What will it take to change these habits? I am trying to apply these questions to my temptations to self-harm as well as food.
-I resist eating chocolate by reminding myself that I'm trying to eat healthy foods and am not ready for treats. I resist cutting by reminding myself that there are people who would be disappointed. I can see that when it comes to cutting, I have some work to do. I need to change that to "by reminding myself that I am worth preserving and it is harmful to me, not just other people."
-I can always not buy chocolate or get rid of it, but there's no way I can keep cutting "away" from me. I can get rid of all the usual implements, like pocket knives or exacto knives, but there will always be sharp objects in the world. Just like there will always be chocolate (well, maybe). So I keep putting up with the things in proximity and hope that the resistance will become effortless someday.
-The harm in just a little for chocolate or cutting is that either one could become more or a lot or too much. I am addicted to sugar like many people are: I believe I deserve it, I believe I am entitled to it, I believe that just a little would be okay and that it won't become a downward spiral. The same beliefs apply to cutting, but I know they are false. I deserve to treat my body well, I am entitled to healthy food and a healthy body, and a little would not be okay and WOULD most likely lead to a downward spiral. Maybe that will not always be the case with chocolate, but today it is and I believe having a healthy body will help with having a healthy mind.
-What will it take to change? I don't know. Time and patience. Even after 5 years of not cutting (I still don't know if I should count the two slip-ups, one was 3 years ago), it is force of habit for me to believe it is a valid solution to feeling like shit. I know that this is because the depression and anxiety that surrounds my cutting (why I do it, what causes it) has not been effectively dealt with in that time. Maybe I could have "recovered" by now if things had been different, who knows. Every time I remind myself that I can improve is another day closer to recovery.