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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 165

  1. #1641
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    WarlordBlade is offline Senior Member
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    Days off are definitely a necessity sometimes! I know I need them more than I have been taking them!
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  2. #1642
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    Things may be busy tomorrow as a result of me taking today off, even moreso because of having therapy mid-morning, but that will be a good feeling! We have a pretty major project that's been going on for over a year now and finally someone set a deadline, for next Wednesday. I don't know if it'll happen by then, but I need to try and transfer several users over to a new network to make sure everything works right before we can do the whole office. I could have started that today.

    Instead, I went to Ikea with my mom and dreamed about a new desk (particle-board POS from Staples, currently), which she might buy me. $25 and I could install my current keyboard drawer on it, most likely! Picked up a few little kitchen items and she also bought us a small oscillating fan to keep the air moving. Perfect for today, which has finally turned into heavy thunderstorms. My kitty is hanging out in the AC with us and mewing a lot, I guess she is afraid of thunderstorms.

    As for the rest of my day, I have a couple minor sewing projects in mind, otherwise I'll just be hanging with Boyfriend and trying to take it easy.
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  3. #1643
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    I don't know what to say. Today is rough. I'm swamped at work, overwhelmed with this networking project that has suddenly been given a deadline for next week. I don't feel like I can convey to anyone that might be able to help me out with this how lost I am, especially because I would end up bawling. I don't know where to start. I can barely think. I have a headache from restraining tears.

    Therapy was good in that I know what I want to say to Boyfriend. It was awful in that I really let loose and cried hard there for the first time. I want to cry more. I know what's wrong (hormones combined with too much Tryptophan and Tyrosine, so tomorrow will probably be much better/fine as long as I don't take any tonight/tomorrow morning), and I know what I need to say to see things through to a potential resolution. I am going to do everything I can today to get things as straightened out as possible, so that I am tackling this network project while not digging myself too deep of a grave, but still leave as early as possible. It will be difficult to wait for Boyfriend to get home. I anticipate dragging my ass around and trying desperately to keep myself together. I think I might write out some bullet points of what I want to say to Boyfriend to keep my head in order.

    My appetite is all screwed, but without the excess supplements and with some proper sleep (starting to give up on that happening anytime soon), I think it'll sort itself out. I'm also depressed, so not inclined to eat anyway. I was hungry 30 min ago, it's vanished now. I'm sure I'll be ravenous when I get home, with no inclination to eat whatsoever. Since I am feeling all lovely and self-sabotaging, I am seriously craving the pizza that's downstairs right now and that just makes me want to cry more.

    My friends are being stupid and childish, just trying to figure out when to see The Dark Knight Rises together. I gave up and bought tickets for noon on Saturday to see with Boyfriend and maybe one other friend that lives in Boston. Their back-and-forth messages in the group conversation were just UGH STFU ALREADY YOU IDIOTS. I even said as much, and they kept going. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. Anyway, chatting with the one friend that might come to the movie with us and I told him everyone owes me a pity-party.
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  4. #1644
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    Home, alone (with the cat), and staring down two cookies. So glad there isn't booze in the house.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  5. #1645
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    Yikes! Need someone to talk to?
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  6. #1646
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    I'm exhausted. I'm still not sure if talking to Boyfriend yesterday was a bad idea. I was at a really low point (thanks to hormones and not supplementing properly). I basically laid out all the worst doubts and worries I've been having. I told him that I don't know how much of him digging his own grave I can bear and that I feel I will have to leave if something doesn't change (more talking to me, more looking for help, more trying? I don't know). He said he felt resentful that I would want to leave during his depression when he has helped me out with my issues so much for the past couple of years. I think it's entirely fair that he would feel resentful, but I don't know how to respond to that (and told him so). He isn't really trying, and I have never stopped trying. I reminded him that we are very different in how we handle emotional situations. So as much as I'd like to commit years to helping him, I am just not equipped to.

    I think, even as painful as it was for both of us, it was necessary. I don't know if it will make a difference in the long run, we will just have to wait and see. I was wracked with guilt afterwards. Half of me wanted to take it all back, find some reason that I "didn't mean it", but I knew I couldn't devalue my own words and feelings like that. As he said, I have to live with the consequences now (which sounds threatening, but it was not meant that way, it's just the truth). I felt like throwing myself at a wall, repeatedly, or clawing myself to shreds afterwards. He took some time to veg at his computer and then rescued me from a staring contest with my reflection in the bathroom, we went to bed and joked a bit. This morning, I felt compelled to ask, "Is it okay to leave you alone today?" because he said that, after I'd said most of what I wanted to, yesterday had been one of his lowest points yet. He seemed surprised when he told me it would be okay. I left pretty early so I can leave early today, but probably won't see him before he leaves for work.

    So I don't know what happens now. I get over my guilt. I deal with what I've said. I keep doing what I've been doing. We'll see.

    Unfortunately, I'd really like to go to therapy next week, but I don't think my schedule will allow it. I'm going to the lake house Friday so it would have to be earlier in the week and with the work stuff I need to try and finish, I just don't know when I could fit it in. I'm also behind on my co-pays, I owe $40 for my past two sessions right now, which means $60 the next time I go in. I have something scheduled for 2 weeks out, at least.

    I'm doing a lot better today, though still upset from last night. Still feeling guilty. I'm not eating today and I know it's partially because I feel like I need to punish myself. I am FED UP with this candida overgrowth. Candex has been the only thing that really works for me, but I think I need to stay on it for many months in a row, and I just don't have the money to do that right now. I don't think I could stand going low carb for longer than a month again, I'm just too hungry without some carbs. I might try olive leaf or grapefruit seed extract, or some other cheaper option, as a regular supplement.

    I think I will do some Tae Bo video workouts tonight for my cardio. They are silly, but I think it will be more fun and less frustrating than Zumba would be, because I'm REALLY uncoordinated. I've tried it before and just felt like the intro videos were too slow and the actual videos were too fast.

    Weekend plans: Tae Bo tonight, or the Kettleworx ab workout (20 min, I can't do everything bc my kettlebell is too heavy, but I kept up pretty well and was not too sore the next day when I did it earlier this week). Generally killing time and trying to keep my mind at bay. Saturday, taking my bike up to my parents house so I will eventually get the thing fixed up. My mom offered to get me new tubes and tires, and my dad can help me install them and do a basic tune-up. Then, The Dark Knight Rises with a couple of friends in Boston. Then, more killing time and maybe hanging out at my parents' while Boyfriend is at work. Sunday is open for interpretation, but my dad and I should work on my mom's desk.

    But MOSTLY, I want to get some proper sleep! I'm going to take Melatonin at 8pm tonight to try and get to bed early.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  7. #1647
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  8. #1648
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    I had a cookie when I got home. I was not prepared for that fast (~21 hrs). I went straight for the honey for some quick fuel and then ate a cookie and now I feel sick. Sweet potato to the rescue!

    Sausages and green beans for dinner. For once, I'm not feeling like having potatoes on the side.

    It's decided: I am doing a Whole30 in August.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  9. #1649
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    *hugs*

    Those sorts of come to Jesus talks are incredible hard. But sometimes necessary. Speaking from experience here, since I've had to deal/help some people (an ex and family) with problems from eating disorders to depression. I mean, I want them to get better, but just my force of will isn't going to change them, especially if they aren't helping themselves. And I just can't keep on giving without seeing something for my efforts.

  10. #1650
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    Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Managing the personal and professional

    So yeah, you read that right, my parents rock and treated me to new bike tubes and tires. I'm so excited to cruise around on my bike. It worked out really well money-wise because I had a coupon for the pet supply store (20% off), which my mom treated me to, and my dad had a leftover balance at the bike shop (which came out to about 20% off the total purchase). My haircut was just a trim in the back, which revealed some more blonde patches that I missed. I'll stop trying to do it in the mirror and get Boyfriend to coat the back of my head in pink before we head to the lake house this weekend

    Sleep: My sleep continued to be incredibly terrible over the weekend. I had some coffee this morning and it helped me power through some work stuff and I feel really prepared to tackle the rest of the day, though I'm sure I'll get super bored towards the end. I am hoping now that my hormones are back under control that I will feel less stressed and be able to sleep normally. I am worried that I will not be able to fall asleep before Boyfriend gets home tonight, since that has been the case since he started working/when he works later than 10:30 (which is usually the latest I am up, when my sleeping schedule is on-track). He's probably on till 11:30 tonight.

    Food: I'm slowly getting back on track with eating properly. I don't have lunch today because I was too sleepy to plan it out last night/get up early enough to make it this morning, but I did have an omelette. I had ice cream last night, it was entirely worth it. I think I am mildly lactose intolerant. I don't have a violent response, but there is definitely a digestive response when I eat milk/ice cream. Fortunately, yogurt and butter are not problematic. I had steak twice this weekend, it was awesome One of the times, it was even local beef!

    Exercise: I did 20 min of a Tae Bo video workout on Friday evening. I could not follow along very well, I can't handle kicking/punching/walking all at once It got me moving though and felt pretty good. I measured my waist (narrowest point is right at/just above my belly button) in the morning at 27". I think that's about as lean as I get. Pretty cool. Of course, once I eat, I get a little bloat, and by the end of the day, I'm usually up by at least 2". That's if I've been eating "cleanly". This week, I want to get out on my bike at least twice for at least 30 min after work. It may be raining this evening, so probably tomorrow and Wednesday. I'll use my odometer (set it up a couple years ago, I think) to track time and distance. I didn't do any other exercise over the weekend, but did lift heavy things a few times and felt a bit sore from it on Sunday. Guess I'm doing something right. My squat form is improving from doing deep squats facing a wall. I'm focusing on keeping my knees and ankles stabilized and driving through my heels.

    I admitted to Boyfriend last night that I had a "silly notion" about being all slim and toned (well, as toned as I am now, which is fairly minimal, but better than I used to be, I think it looks good) for the lake house trip. It's not like I really want/need to show off to our friends, who are all out of shape, but I have this mental image of myself hanging out in a bikini and being totally comfortable with myself. Last year, I was 10 lbs heavier and tried to fulfill that mental image, but felt so nervous and self-conscious the whole time (had my period too, so that definitely didn't help). I told him that I also want to be that mental image because I like when compliments me (though he does at any weight/amount of bloat haha). He told me it wasn't silly to want to look good, but that I look good anyway (I was lamenting over my ice cream bloat). It's sad but true: we are the most fit-looking out of all our friends (and I am probably the healthiest, is that conceited?). If Boyfriend started exercising a little, he would b the most fit out of all of us. Have I cursed his muscle memory lately? Damn his muscle memory!

    Anyway, things are a far-cry better than they were last week at this point. I am still dealing with guilt over my discussion with Boyfriend. It's come up a little in conversation since then, and it's clear he's thinking about what I said. He expressed his frustration over missing work on Sunday (vomited randomly, which means he couldn't work, but he felt fine immediately after) several times and I tried to be as soothing and supportive as possible. I appreciated what I took as him making an effort to express himself a bit more so I can try to help carry the load. I don't know if he found it helpful, but it was actually relieving to me to hear how he was feeling, even if I do worry about him being sad/frustrated. It's better to know there is something to try to handle instead of just guessing all the time.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

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