Days off are definitely a necessity sometimes! I know I need them more than I have been taking them!
Enjoy your day off! I wish I was off today and loafing on the couch!
Primal since March 5, 2012
SW: 221 | CW: 182 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)
Things may be busy tomorrow as a result of me taking today off, even moreso because of having therapy mid-morning, but that will be a good feeling! We have a pretty major project that's been going on for over a year now and finally someone set a deadline, for next Wednesday. I don't know if it'll happen by then, but I need to try and transfer several users over to a new network to make sure everything works right before we can do the whole office. I could have started that today.
Instead, I went to Ikea with my mom and dreamed about a new desk (particle-board POS from Staples, currently), which she might buy me. $25 and I could install my current keyboard drawer on it, most likely! Picked up a few little kitchen items and she also bought us a small oscillating fan to keep the air moving. Perfect for today, which has finally turned into heavy thunderstorms. My kitty is hanging out in the AC with us and mewing a lot, I guess she is afraid of thunderstorms.
As for the rest of my day, I have a couple minor sewing projects in mind, otherwise I'll just be hanging with Boyfriend and trying to take it easy.
I don't know what to say. Today is rough. I'm swamped at work, overwhelmed with this networking project that has suddenly been given a deadline for next week. I don't feel like I can convey to anyone that might be able to help me out with this how lost I am, especially because I would end up bawling. I don't know where to start. I can barely think. I have a headache from restraining tears.
Therapy was good in that I know what I want to say to Boyfriend. It was awful in that I really let loose and cried hard there for the first time. I want to cry more. I know what's wrong (hormones combined with too much Tryptophan and Tyrosine, so tomorrow will probably be much better/fine as long as I don't take any tonight/tomorrow morning), and I know what I need to say to see things through to a potential resolution. I am going to do everything I can today to get things as straightened out as possible, so that I am tackling this network project while not digging myself too deep of a grave, but still leave as early as possible. It will be difficult to wait for Boyfriend to get home. I anticipate dragging my ass around and trying desperately to keep myself together. I think I might write out some bullet points of what I want to say to Boyfriend to keep my head in order.
My appetite is all screwed, but without the excess supplements and with some proper sleep (starting to give up on that happening anytime soon), I think it'll sort itself out. I'm also depressed, so not inclined to eat anyway. I was hungry 30 min ago, it's vanished now. I'm sure I'll be ravenous when I get home, with no inclination to eat whatsoever. Since I am feeling all lovely and self-sabotaging, I am seriously craving the pizza that's downstairs right now and that just makes me want to cry more.
My friends are being stupid and childish, just trying to figure out when to see The Dark Knight Rises together. I gave up and bought tickets for noon on Saturday to see with Boyfriend and maybe one other friend that lives in Boston. Their back-and-forth messages in the group conversation were just UGH STFU ALREADY YOU IDIOTS. I even said as much, and they kept going. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. Anyway, chatting with the one friend that might come to the movie with us and I told him everyone owes me a pity-party.
Home, alone (with the cat), and staring down two cookies. So glad there isn't booze in the house.
Yikes! Need someone to talk to?
Of all the paths you take in life, make sure a few of them are dirt.
I'm exhausted. I'm still not sure if talking to Boyfriend yesterday was a bad idea. I was at a really low point (thanks to hormones and not supplementing properly). I basically laid out all the worst doubts and worries I've been having. I told him that I don't know how much of him digging his own grave I can bear and that I feel I will have to leave if something doesn't change (more talking to me, more looking for help, more trying? I don't know). He said he felt resentful that I would want to leave during his depression when he has helped me out with my issues so much for the past couple of years. I think it's entirely fair that he would feel resentful, but I don't know how to respond to that (and told him so). He isn't really trying, and I have never stopped trying. I reminded him that we are very different in how we handle emotional situations. So as much as I'd like to commit years to helping him, I am just not equipped to.
I think, even as painful as it was for both of us, it was necessary. I don't know if it will make a difference in the long run, we will just have to wait and see. I was wracked with guilt afterwards. Half of me wanted to take it all back, find some reason that I "didn't mean it", but I knew I couldn't devalue my own words and feelings like that. As he said, I have to live with the consequences now (which sounds threatening, but it was not meant that way, it's just the truth). I felt like throwing myself at a wall, repeatedly, or clawing myself to shreds afterwards. He took some time to veg at his computer and then rescued me from a staring contest with my reflection in the bathroom, we went to bed and joked a bit. This morning, I felt compelled to ask, "Is it okay to leave you alone today?" because he said that, after I'd said most of what I wanted to, yesterday had been one of his lowest points yet. He seemed surprised when he told me it would be okay. I left pretty early so I can leave early today, but probably won't see him before he leaves for work.
So I don't know what happens now. I get over my guilt. I deal with what I've said. I keep doing what I've been doing. We'll see.
Unfortunately, I'd really like to go to therapy next week, but I don't think my schedule will allow it. I'm going to the lake house Friday so it would have to be earlier in the week and with the work stuff I need to try and finish, I just don't know when I could fit it in. I'm also behind on my co-pays, I owe $40 for my past two sessions right now, which means $60 the next time I go in. I have something scheduled for 2 weeks out, at least.
I'm doing a lot better today, though still upset from last night. Still feeling guilty. I'm not eating today and I know it's partially because I feel like I need to punish myself. I am FED UP with this candida overgrowth. Candex has been the only thing that really works for me, but I think I need to stay on it for many months in a row, and I just don't have the money to do that right now. I don't think I could stand going low carb for longer than a month again, I'm just too hungry without some carbs. I might try olive leaf or grapefruit seed extract, or some other cheaper option, as a regular supplement.
I think I will do some Tae Bo video workouts tonight for my cardio. They are silly, but I think it will be more fun and less frustrating than Zumba would be, because I'm REALLY uncoordinated. I've tried it before and just felt like the intro videos were too slow and the actual videos were too fast.
Weekend plans: Tae Bo tonight, or the Kettleworx ab workout (20 min, I can't do everything bc my kettlebell is too heavy, but I kept up pretty well and was not too sore the next day when I did it earlier this week). Generally killing time and trying to keep my mind at bay. Saturday, taking my bike up to my parents house so I will eventually get the thing fixed up. My mom offered to get me new tubes and tires, and my dad can help me install them and do a basic tune-up. Then, The Dark Knight Rises with a couple of friends in Boston. Then, more killing time and maybe hanging out at my parents' while Boyfriend is at work. Sunday is open for interpretation, but my dad and I should work on my mom's desk.
But MOSTLY, I want to get some proper sleep! I'm going to take Melatonin at 8pm tonight to try and get to bed early.
I had a cookie when I got home. I was not prepared for that fast (~21 hrs). I went straight for the honey for some quick fuel and then ate a cookie and now I feel sick. Sweet potato to the rescue!
Sausages and green beans for dinner. For once, I'm not feeling like having potatoes on the side.
It's decided: I am doing a Whole30 in August.
Those sorts of come to Jesus talks are incredible hard. But sometimes necessary. Speaking from experience here, since I've had to deal/help some people (an ex and family) with problems from eating disorders to depression. I mean, I want them to get better, but just my force of will isn't going to change them, especially if they aren't helping themselves. And I just can't keep on giving without seeing something for my efforts.