Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 163

[namelesswonder]

I'm thinking of re-submitting myself as a success story. I sent in something months ago (or maybe last year, I forget now) and got the response to fill out a waiver or whatever so they could post it. From what I recall writing, I don't think I would have considered myself successful at that point. Now, I'm not a success, but I'm even more successful. With the Primal Blueprint as my diving board, I've not only learned how to recognize hunger signals accurately, I'm reading my moods accurately and dealing with them. I may be back in therapy, but with my brain chemistry under control with the help of supplements (first for about 6 months straight, now only when I need them), I'm finally learning to analyze my thoughts in a productive way. I actually feel like I'm making progress. I used to only dream about that, and lament over and over about "what's wrong with me".

I wonder if this is a success story that people might be interested in reading about: treating anxiety and depression through a whole foods diet and supplements.

[jenn26point2]

I wear fast flats every day and take a 45 minute walk in them on the sidewalk. They wear out quickly, but I've had mine for about 2-3 months. I figure for $12, 2-3 months is relatively ok. I'm still wearing them despite the fact that the seams are coming undone. The bottom is still holding up fine. They make my feet sweat too.

[namelesswonder]

Weekend recap: Friday night, I ate at my parents' house. Was exhausted, but played Lego Rockband with the little cousins and then stayed up late chatting with cousin's hubby and my dad. Boyfriend came by post-work since I was still there and we left after midnight. Apparently cousin's hubby and my dad stayed up till about 4, starting and finishing a bottle of scotch. Saturday morning, we went out for a belated b.day celebration at a local "farm" with batting cages, golf, mini-golf, bumper boats, and locally made ice cream. I had watermelon for breakfast and a kiddie-sized (I SWEAR kiddie-sized ice creams used to be smaller, they are now what I remember a small being) orange chocolate-chip ice cream. Then we all went over to my parents' house to swim (cousins and little cousins were out at a BBQ so I did not get to see them again), but I did not since the sharks are in town and I was feeling bloated and generally miserable. Saturday night, Boyfriend had work and I felt depressed and bored. I watched TV, Game of Thrones (all caught up now), tried watching a TV adaptation of Legend of the Seeker, but it was awful. Sunday, I did some errands, got me some much-desired carbs, watched more junk while Boyfriend studied.

Then Boyfriend brought up failing an exam last week and threw my head for a loop. I do not remember him telling me this, but he says he talked about it so much, he does not want to talk about it anymore. I think he is exaggerating slightly and I am convinced that he just thinks he talked about it a lot because he was thinking about it a lot. I felt really freaked out that I could not remember him telling me this on Thursday. I know I've been pretty tired for the past half-week. He left for work and I was left feeling terribly anxious and depressed. GABA Calm took away the wanting-to-burst-into-tears anxiety over forgetting things, but I was left depressed. I grazed on carbs (yogurt, orange, sweet potato), made him dinner that we're both having for lunch today, and watched more crap.

I really need to find things to do in the evenings when he's at class/work. I felt so bad last night, I wanted to hurt myself. I fell into a pretty bad "What is wrong with me?" episode. I got through it safely, but it was unsettling to very suddenly feel that low and out of control. My therapist had to reschedule so I'm going in on Thursday this week. I think my sensitivity over the weekend is definitely related to poor sleep, struggling with boredom/worry while Boyfriend is out, and hormones. That doesn't mean I can't learn something about how to get through those episodes or figure out something to do. I may try supplementing magnesium through PMS week next month to see if that makes a difference because going through carb flu just for my period would be pretty obnoxious.

I wore my Fast Flats out this weekend. They are enough to make hot asphalt bearable to walk upon, while still getting the barefoot feeling. I didn't do much walking or any exercising due to feeling lethargic and icky from my period. I hope I can sleep better this week, but that's unlikely.

I had two cookies over the weekend. One on Friday (a very small organic Trader Joe's cookie, a pretty good option) and one yesterday (not so organic or simplified ingredients from Boyfriend's stash). No ill effects, but then again, it was only two. There goes my attempt to stay wheat free until the lake house. I'll still keep trying.

[namelesswonder]

Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Smoke & mirrors

[namelesswonder]

Forgot to mention, I took Tryptophan every night this weekend and will continue until I feel I don't need it. I also took Tyrosine this morning as I was anxious just thinking about my day. Feel pretty good today, but more worried about tonight, when Boyfriend is at work.

[namelesswonder]

I am giggling myself to death over this: Sweaters For Days And Moves Like Jagger: Jen Reads 50 Shades of Grey

IT'S JUST LIKE TWILIGHT. In fact, it's WORSE. This almost makes me WANT TO READ TWILIGHT AGAIN. Wow. That's pretty bad writing. Edward Cullen suddenly seems demure and desirable as a mate, instead of abusive and overprotective.

My first few hours of sleep are still restless. I think I settled down after 2 AM, last night. I think I am worrying about Boyfriend, who is not coming to bed until around then/later. I told him about my self-injurous thoughts from Sunday night via text yesterday, he thanked me for telling him. I don't think there's any reason to talk about it in person.

I woke up feeling pretty okay, but am now pretty exhausted! Contemplating having a cup of coffee. Like to not use pronouns. Bad habit.

I did some body weight exercises last night. I can feel that I am improving and I'm kind of surprised to feel those changes from session to session and week to week. Hooray for protein?

Hm...sorry this entry is all over the place. I'm going to waste some time researching oil companies today, since I think I'll have our tank filled next month. We shall see. Hopefully Boyfriend gets paid by the VA on the 1st for his summer course. If he doesn't, we'll need some of that saved money to go towards rent, most likely.

Oh and if anyone knows anything about how to get oil for heat...please tell me things? We used the whole tank last winter (trying to find out how big it is by contacting a company I know has serviced the tank for former tenants) so we should be able to estimate how much we'll be spending to keep the thing filled over the winter. Overall, I don't think it'll be too bad, spaced out over 10 months (that appears to be the norm for the payment plans). I just don't know which company to go with, or if there's any kind of cool discounts I could look for.

[justyouraveragecavemen]

Well, you keep saying oil, I can't relate to that, we use propane out in the county. Some of the bigger cities around here have natural gas piped in, but alas, we have big ugly silver propane tanks. Howevers, we can prebuy propane in the hot summer months at a big discount instead of fall when demand/prices go up. You might want to check on that. Now is not too late.

[justyouraveragecavemen]

Orrrrrr, if it's a major budgeting conflict like you make it out to be, then accrue it over a 12 month period. Say it's $400 to fill it up, set aside $33.34 per month beginning the month you buy it. It's easier to put aside $33.34 each month than make a $400 blast to your savings account; so sayeth the Voice of Reason.

[namelesswonder]

I rent, so I can't really change the heating. Big tank of oil heats up water, steam-heated radiators bathe us in lukewarm air. Or something that implies our apartment is frigid most of the time in the Winter.

We HAVE to pay to fill the tank to start with, then they will keep it filled over a 10 month period. I just found out it's 275 gallons (but will only take up to 255ish because of some alarm vent?) and with a current oil cost at $3.59/gallon, I need over $900 to fill it the first time, if there's no additional fees. Spread that out over 10 months, we can afford to keep it filled based on the reasoning that we used the whole thing last winter, it's just the initial cost to fill it that's screwing me over. I should have signed us up last Fall, but just never got around to it, and thought I'd have more savings by now. I can afford to fill it now, but would have about $200 in savings and not much more in checking after rent next month.

[honeybuns]

Some companies have a Keep Fill program where they top off the tank on a regular basis rather than waiting until it is empty and filling it all at once. You might also see if you can request that they only put in a certain number of gallons each fill. One thing we used to do was have it filled right after heating season ended because we weren't scrambling when the weather changed like so many other people were.