Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 158

[namelesswonder]

Well of course that's the last thing he wants, but I want to be able to say I tried if something happens and he ignores me anyway. I don't know if he would consider telling our friends he isn't going to be drinking much, for accountability, but I feel like that might help. Maybe I can ask him not to drink more than me. It's not as though I'll be able to drink much anyway, but it would make me feel a lot more comfortable. I'll worry about that later when we can confirm that we are even going (Boyfriend needs to request that weekend off).

I'm feeling really angry and frustrated. Last night, I had a really hard time calming down after someone didn't stop at a stop sign and nearly hit me on my scooter. I was furious and frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it (not like I could catch up to them to scream at them or anything). I ended up staying up too late to try and calm down, but didn't really feel better, just exhausted, by bedtime. Then there's stuff going wrong with our network today in the office, and the two people that can probably help me are on vacation. Great.

I'm on high alert for PMS... seems like it's hitting pretty hard on the emotional spectrum. All this anger I've been feeling, I just don't know how to deal with it. It's not the same feeling that I would normally treat with Tyrosine or Tryptophan, despite the wanting to cry as a result of my frustration.

[justyouraveragecavemen]

I'm feeling really angry and frustrated. Last night, I had a really hard time calming down after someone didn't stop at a stop sign and nearly hit me on my scooter. I was furious and frustrated that I couldn't do anything about it (not like I could catch up to them to scream at them or anything).

Look, yo, I know this sounds stupid but do you think that the person that almost hit you lost sleep over the situation? No, they probably don't even know it happened. I don't get mad over stuff like that anymore. The only person you're affecting is yourself. Just say to yourself that you forgive them for making a mistake and when you get to where you really mean it, the anger will go away. Don't get into the "well, I should have ran them down and told them ___". That's a never-ending scenario. I used to get so mad at my wife over some of the smallest things. I never told her I was mad, I would just fume over it and hash out all these scenarios of how I would address it with her. Then one day I just decided to think about what I was mad about from a third person viewpoint. I saw how petty and pointless it was and it was kind of embarrassing to think that I was upset about it. Anyway, off my tangent, if you allow yourself to be angry at someone you don't know it will eventually transfer to someone you do know. Anger multiplies and follows the path of least resistance. You can't find the person that almost hit you so that anger will be transferred to someone at work, home, etc. that you do know. Don't do it, yo.

[namelesswonder]

You are right, of course. It's a process that happens naturally when I "sleep on it" usually, but lately there's just been a lot of frustration. I was actually dealing with it well last week, with the work related stuff, but I think there were more factors that made it really difficult for me to calm down after that happened last night (did not get my kind of proper sleep over the weekend, mostly). And from going to bed late last night, I am feeling much more anxious and stressed today. And maybe "hormone poisoning" (my favorite way of describing PMS). I forgive myself for the ice cream last night. I will eat or not eat it tonight, whichever feels right. I will eat some broiled steak kebabs tonight and probably enjoy the crap out of them. I think I will also have a sweet potato. And I will totally make it through tonight without flipping my lid about/at anyone, because I've done it before and I can do it again and I WILL take a walk today. I need it!

I lucked out. The one user that this network issue would be a real problem for, it doesn't appear to be affecting. I think it's something that one of the guys that's out fucked up on. So of course, I have no idea what he did. At least there is less pressure now in figuring it out immediately, which is good because the rest of IT in the company is pretty slow at getting back to me about anything.

I was feeling really pissy about my sister this morning also, but had to tell myself to let it go, at least for now. She acts kind of like a teenager sometimes, it's like she skipped ahead in some development stages and is now making up for that missed time. I guess I do hold her in high regard, so I find myself more disappointed lately with how she's been acting and the choices she's made. She basically moved out with her BF of 6 mos, lives about an hour away now. She has refused to come and hang out with the family on weekends because she doesn't want to make the drive down. I guess I am in a different place in my personal development and relationship with my parents than she is, so an hour-long drive to hang with family for the afternoon would be worth it to me, but it's not for her. I hope she can figure herself out and be a bit less judgmental towards me when/if we hang out in the future. I need to do the same.

[namelesswonder]

Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Gratitude post

[namelesswonder]

I feel much better today than I did yesterday. Still pretty tired, but a couple of nights of regular sleep (in bed around/by 10:30 lets me wake up naturally around 7) should sort that out. I slept fine last night and woke up ready to get up before my alarm. Today, I have a small amount of leftovers (beef kebabs cooked in the broiler, pretty lack luster, next time I'll look up a recipe for a marinade instead of winging it) for lunch and I think that will help me resist temptation this evening. Boyfriend made cookies because the rent check hit his account when he wasn't expecting it to, he had moved some money to his savings account, and he got a large overdraft fee. That is why when our bank changed their overdraft policies, I opted to have stuff bounce as opposed to charge and give me fees. Kind of wanted to smack him upside the head, "Don't pay off bills you don't know you have the money for, especially if the rent check hasn't hit yet!" but he was depressed by the incident so I will be quietly suggesting he check his account more regularly, especially around the first week of the month.

He also got sick over some spoiled food yesterday (food I made a few days ago but he didn't eat for dinner, so I covered the plate and put it in the fridge) before class so he didn't go. QUEUE ME WORRYING A LOT ABOUT HIS ATTENDANCE AGAIN. On the one hand I feel that these are unfortunate and unavoidable circumstances, on the other hand, I can't help but feel that he could have gone to class, even if he wasn't feeling great. But I'm not him, I don't know how he was feeling.

ANYWAY. I had a couple of cookies and the rest of a Haagen-Dazs pint of chocolate last night. I'm determined to stay wheat-free for the next couple of weeks. I won't have much control over the available food at the lake house, so I want to eat as clean as possible before that weekend. The backlash might be pretty bad, but I know there will be some grilled meats at least. Maybe it will just be a high-protein weekend =P I'm thinking about bringing up some bacon (Applegate Farm Sunday Bacon, uncured), if they have cookie sheets and aluminum foil we can use to cook it up quickly/easily in the oven. I don't know how many people there will be, but they come in packs of 3 1lb packages at BJ's Wholesale, and Boyfriend and I can easily split one package.

Blah blah blah. Today is boring so far. I should pick up the kettlebell tonight or do some squats. I really need to come up with a good 20 min bodyweight and kettlebell workout routine so I'm not just picking up the thing for 3 min at a time. I'm sure that does basically nothing for actual gaining of strength.

[jenn26point2]

Look, yo, I know this sounds stupid but do you think that the person that almost hit you lost sleep over the situation? No, they probably don't even know it happened. I don't get mad over stuff like that anymore. The only person you're affecting is yourself. Just say to yourself that you forgive them for making a mistake and when you get to where you really mean it, the anger will go away. Don't get into the "well, I should have ran them down and told them ___". That's a never-ending scenario. I used to get so mad at my wife over some of the smallest things. I never told her I was mad, I would just fume over it and hash out all these scenarios of how I would address it with her. Then one day I just decided to think about what I was mad about from a third person viewpoint. I saw how petty and pointless it was and it was kind of embarrassing to think that I was upset about it. Anyway, off my tangent, if you allow yourself to be angry at someone you don't know it will eventually transfer to someone you do know. Anger multiplies and follows the path of least resistance. You can't find the person that almost hit you so that anger will be transferred to someone at work, home, etc. that you do know. Don't do it, yo.

I used to do this too... I'd get so mad at DH for going fishing, racing, whatever and leaving me home with the kids - how it was so unfair that I never get to do anything I want to do... then I got to thinking about it... what would I do? I could come up with NOTHING that I would do if I had a few hours of kid free time (except clean, sleep, grocery shop, etc). I quickly realized I needed to get off being mad at him b/c I know he'd give me time if I asked for it, but because I do nothing, I don't ask for the time...

He also got sick over some spoiled food yesterday (food I made a few days ago but he didn't eat for dinner, so I covered the plate and put it in the fridge) before class so he didn't go. QUEUE ME WORRYING A LOT ABOUT HIS ATTENDANCE AGAIN. On the one hand I feel that these are unfortunate and unavoidable circumstances, on the other hand, I can't help but feel that he could have gone to class, even if he wasn't feeling great. But I'm not him, I don't know how he was feeling.

DH had an issue with work the other day. He missed some days when he was minimally sick and could have toughed it out but chose not to. He was sure he only had 8 hours of sick time left and told his supervisor he would take 8 hrs sick and charge the other 8 as vacation. Supervisor and manager both told him he had 16 hrs in the system for sick so he coded his time off as sick. Last week, HR came down on him and said they were going to recoup 8 hours of pay b/c he only actually had 8 hrs of sick (like he thought) and place him in behavior modification for taking too many sick days in a year. This would make him ineligible for some first shift only jobs that are coming down the pipeline that he's eligible for and really wants (who knows if he'll get them b/c he's kind of a boat rocker and gets argumentative with his supervisor/management team when he feels passionate about something. Anyhow, I convinced him to fight it b/c he was in the right and it's not fair that he's being punished for his supervisor/manager being idiots. So he did. HR said that he could take two of his sick leave days and code them as FMLA but he'd have to get a doctor to sign off on it, and they'd be unpaid, so cue 16 hours of pay being docked (which is over $400 by the way, pretax), but he'd have 16 hours of sick time to use yet this year and no b-mod. That wasn't fair either b/c who's to say our doctor would even sign off on it, and why should he be docked 16 hours of pay b/c, again, his supervisor/manager are idiots? So, cue DH talking to HR directly. They agreed that supervisor/manager are idiots, kept the coding the way it is, with him being 4 hours over on his sick time, but not being docked pay, and a note being added to his file to indicate why he's not in b-mod... all of this could have been avoided if DH would have just put on his big girl panties and gone to work with that itty bitty little cold he had... geesh. lol men, sometimes! I tell ya! They're worse than kids when they're "sick".

[justyouraveragecavemen]

Regurgitation is my threshold on calling in sick.

[namelesswonder]

I think that is Boyfriend's threshold. Last time I threw up was from too much coconut oil, and the time before that was from too much alcohol (a year or two ago). As was the time before that (3 years ago). And before THAT was the flu in high school, I'm pretty sure. So I can't say that's my threshold, I've called out sick for much stupider reasons. Boyfriend has gotten sick on the train more than once, so I understand his choice to stay home!

I'm just worried. Most of his missing class last semester was depression, then mostly pain, and after that, from legitimately being sick (and sometimes that was from pain meds, apparently Vicodin and subways don't mix). My knee-jerk to "missing class" is going to be "How can I get him to class?" for a while. I just wish he could have some better luck.

[jenn26point2]

The last time I puked was due to a reaction to Tramadol for my "broken" rib that turned out to not be broken (tendonitis). I was so sick I could barely lift my head off my desk, but I stayed for two reasons - I'd gone home early the day before, and I was afraid to drive in my current state.

[namelesswonder]

After missing so many days for "mental health days" last year and nearly losing my job, I always get anxious over taking a day off, for vacation or for feeling ill. I'm afraid my boss will say no because I've taken too many days off. I don't like having to hold my job over my health, but sometimes I feel that it is necessary, to keep my job and for my own sake (because sometimes I'm just looking for an excuse not to go in). I have not taken too many days off this year, though, and am proud that I am managing well enough and toughing it out so I can learn to better identify when I really NEED a day off.