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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 143

  1. #1421
    drssgchic's Avatar
    drssgchic is offline Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    I'm finally starting to embrace my "I want to look witchy" days. For a while I was trying to look more "normal" which does not include long black skirts with black blouses. (Me, normal? Yeah, I know) But I'm beginning to care less and less what people think about how I look

    If I ever pronounce it that way, the r will be rolled. Because that's a requirement for being a snob. Vibrrrrrrim. *sticks pinky out and takes a sip of tea*
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

  2. #1422
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    Vy-brim sounds sexier. Like vibrate. Yeah, baby, you know what's up.

    Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Wacky Wednesday: aka. title failure
    HEY BOOTER. I talk about periods a little in this one. Not much. I don't think you'll mind. Just don't read the link I mention in there. I thought I'd give you a heads up this time
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  3. #1423
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Vy-brim sounds sexier. Like vibrate. Yeah, baby, you know what's up.

    Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Wacky Wednesday: aka. title failure
    HEY BOOTER. I talk about periods a little in this one. Not much. I don't think you'll mind. Just don't read the link I mention in there. I thought I'd give you a heads up this time
    YES! YES! YES! Common courtesy is still ALIVE!!!! THANK YOU FOR RESTORING MY FAITH IN HUMANITY!!
    If I just said LOL, I lied. Do or do not. There is no try.

  4. #1424
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    I like you, you're lucky. I generally don't give a fuck about such disclaimers, despite being a fairly nice and considerate person (I would like to think).

    The work "aptly" is stuck in my head. It wants to be used. If it was a person, I'd want to punch it in the face. It sounds pretentious. I've totally used it.

    Ms. Dressage, do you have a rolly chair at work? My skirt keeps getting stuck under it. It's fun picking it up to walk on stairs though

    Sad moment and potentially triggering for anyone who has experienced physical abuse in a relationship: Boyfriend and I had a discussion yesterday about hitting. He's told me more than a few times that "he would hit a girl" if she hit him. He's "not sexist when it comes to physical harm". When he was drunk and I was so angry and trapped and hurt, I said I wanted to hit him and he got in my face and told me to do it and told me he would hit me back. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I was terrified. But, back to regular every day life, we talked about how he's said in the past he would not hesitate to hit me back, but truly, we both know, he would not. I am not his physically abusive ex. But now I think about that night and I wonder, a little.

    This is something I have hesitated to write on here. It is one of a few things that are sticking with me from that night, that I will definitely talk about in therapy on Friday. I think I need to write some of this down, maybe in a written journal, at least so I don't forget. I want to talk to Boyfriend about it. I need to know that he KNOWS how that felt for me, but at the same time, I don't know how helpful that is for him, because he possibly already knows. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want him to really know how much he scared me. When he deflated that night, when something suddenly sunk in his drunken haze and maybe he realized I am not a combination of terrible people from his past, he apologized. He said that was about 60% of how terrible he believes he is capable of being (and maybe he knows, he's had some bad experiences), and I should never have seen it at all. He said he could leave me the next month's rent and move out in the morning or leave now, if I wanted. I continued my mental mantra for that evening, "He's drunk, he's drunk," and somehow convinced him to stay. A little while after that, he went and vomited, then passed out on the couch.

    I really want him to go to therapy (and maybe he would try going again when he has a job and can spare the $ for a co-pay). Everytime he gets blindingly drunk, something awful comes up. He says this didn't happen when he was in the Army (the awful things he talks about are pre-Army) and getting shit-faced regularly. I'm more worried about the things he's keeping bottled up that he maybe doesn't even realize, than anything else. The next day, he laughed, said that him throwing me on the bed to stop me from leaving would be funny if it wasn't so not funny. I understand how he feels and being sympathetic is almost too painful, so I laugh too. [ /end discussion of sad things]

    Ah Tyrosine! You are a true friend. My brain is kind of zipping around today, but in a very productive manner. I can multi-task successfully, which is HUGE for me. I needed this.
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  5. #1425
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    When he was drunk and I was so angry and trapped and hurt, I said I wanted to hit him and he got in my face and told me to do it and told me he would hit me back. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that I was terrified.
    His saying that he would hit a girl who hit him isn't per se worrisome: there are all sorts of situations where that might be warranted, although I must say that violence is always a last resort, and violence towards women (even aggressive and physically matched women) is a last last resort.

    But, drunk or not, to tell you to hit him, to egg you on, and then say he was going to hit you back, is something of a flag in my book. What's he trying to invite? The two of you hitting each other? Or is he trying to intimidate you with the mere threat of counterpunch? Neither is positive. If he needs puffed up by saying go ahead and hit me because I'ma hit you back, then something's wrong with that.

    And drunk is no excuse. I can get testy when I'm drunk, but it's not a violent thing. More likely I'll get all philosophical and bore your ass to death. The veritas the vino unleashes is the one that wants to come out, sometime.

  6. #1426
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    My thought was "what the hell is he drinking? A mixture of rubbing alcohol and Listerine?" I've known lots of folks who were mean drunks, but not towards women. He's got a problem and it starts with getting drunk, so he needs to stop getting drunk. Problem solved.
    If I just said LOL, I lied. Do or do not. There is no try.

  7. #1427
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    On hitting girls, no not worried, it was more of an amusing observation on how we were raised. I don't need experience to teach me things: someone says the stove is hot and I believe them. Boyfriend has always learned trial by fire.

    Your comments are exactly what is concerning me. Usually (I say usually, but it's been 2-3 times out of the many he's been drunk in front of me over the past 2.5 years) it's just a discussion of memories past, very very bad memories, that he will not ever discuss sober. Memories that make me cringe sometimes and make my heart bleed for the things he's experienced, but won't acknowledge. I don't know what changed post-Army that made these things come creeping out with the introduction of booze. It seems like he is inclined to keep sweeping it under the rug (by not drinking anymore) rather than ever deal with it (hence his usual policy of "things said drunk are not discussed the next day" under the guise of embarrassment). I honestly feel that that is something I can deal with for now, but I do want to address this avoidance with him. Need to find the best way to discuss it.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Currently trying to figure out WTF to eat (for IBS-C).

  8. #1428
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    hah well, he drank a LOT. Used to have an absurd tolerance (drank a 1/5 of vodka on his own one evening, over a few hours, did not throw up, did not black out), but it's gone way down and he's still not used to it. He is also inclined to use alcohol as a numbing agent for his depression, which is why I am partially glad for him not having the money to spend on booze now, as well as not wanting to risk turning into the hugest douche-bag ever.
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  9. #1429
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    Yesterday, we went SWIMMING! We're having a 2-3 day heat wave this week (yesterday was mid-90s, felt like over 100, same today, cooler tomorrow with thunderstorms, but still mid-80s). Come to think of it, I think we usually have a June heat wave, then things simmer down a bit until later in the summer. Hottest time is August, or at least it's supposed to be. I don't understand how discussing weather is "small talk" because I find it fascinating. I think I missed my scientific calling. I like the tangible sciences, like geology and meteorology (as opposed to something physics, and yes, chemistry, because there is too much math for me to understand the things). Anyway, the always-frigid pool was 68F, which is pretty good for that pool (always shaded, pretty much), and it felt wonderfully refreshing. But then Boyfriend and I were incredibly sleepy (chlorine maybe, or the temperature shock) and hungry again. He ordered a sammich and I ordered ice cream. Foodler is a blessing/curse for people like us. That is the first time we've ordered out this month and I think only the second time we've paid for food that wasn't groceries. +1 for budgeting.

    I have more ice cream for tonight (apparently 1 quart = 2 pints). Moose tracks with added full-size Reeses cups. Funny enough, the cookie bloat I got a few days ago subsided overnight. Carbing up at night seems to work well for me. I skipped lunch a couple of times this week. With something carb-y instead of a real meal, I seem to handle dinner just fine, but yesterday I had nothing and was hungry after dinner. Today, I have an orange keeping cozy in the fridge. It's going to be GLORIOUS.

    I considered not taking the Tyrosine this morning, but I think it's better that I continue for now. I can tell how it's helping me. I think a smaller dose would actually be better suited. Maybe I will take it every other day so it's maybe still in my system a little. I wonder if it's bad to empty half a capsule and swallow that small pocket of air that's left. I'm sure I swallow more air when I drink water than would be in that capsule. I have so much Tyrosine, it's not even worth keeping the half that I discard.

    I am really looking forward to going up to Maine. Nervous about the drive, as usual. Tonight, I need to swing by my parents' house to pick up my bathing suit, find the spare apartment key, and ask my dad to feed Fae Saturday AM, PM, and Sunday AM. I need to go to the ATM for tomorrow's therapy co-pay and toll/parking $ for the trip. As much as I would like to take photos on the beach, I think I'd rather focus on enjoying the walking and sunning and not having to carry anything. I am totally going to wear my wide-brimmed paper (looks like straw) hat, but I hope it doesn't get blown away.

    Today I am wearing an outfit like the one I wore to that wedding (photo on previous page, maybe), except the skirt is a stretchy black pencil skirt, I'm wearing a clear quartz pendant, and my shoes are comfortable black mary-jane wedges. I feel pretty sexy. I'm mostly expecting to get pounced when I get home today, since Boyfriend was too sleepy to get a response this morning. Yesterday, I felt fat and ugly. I have to keep reminding myself that improving my self-image is an ongoing process. I know I say a lot here that I seem to be fixed and then maybe the next day, I'm broken again. When something seems to be going right, I have a hard time figuring out if I can handle getting elated about it, or if I should be very very cautious. I'm not really capable of cautious optimism so the crash when I'm wrong is less painful. I think that is something I will always struggle with, being a passionate person.

    My inner thighs are still sore from the KB deadlifts I did the other day. Definitely need to add those to my regular work-out if I can only handle 20 with 15 lbs!
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  10. #1430
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    I bet you feel sexy- it sounds like a sexy outfit

    Yes, my rolly chair is the bane of my favorite skirt. It's ankle-length, heavy, very swishy, and ALWAYS getting run over.

    I'm with FW on the behavior. I don't care what "excuse" he had for prompting it, that is not ok. Not at all. If he's essentially threatening you, then the way he's "dealing with" his issues is not working and he needs to actually deal with them.
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

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