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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 139

  1. #1381
    naiadknight's Avatar
    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Primal Fuel
    The only uniform I've ever had to wear was school uniform in elementary school. Now, before you go running at the mouth about Catholic school girls-
    1) At the oldest, I was 12.
    2) I was by no means graceful or flirty. I was tomboy who'd kick you if you even thought about picking on me.
    3) These weren't the traditional red plaid. Depending on which school, it was either a yellow or white button up with a either godawful green plaid or plain green jumper or pants, OR a white button up shirt with an itchy polyester navy jumper, skirt, shorts, or pants.
    4) By district mandate, all skirts were no shorter than fingertip length standing up.
    5) I was going through my gawky, short broomstick phase.

    Geek and I both do kinda worry each other when the others in a bad mood because both of us look like we're one idiot short of a killing spree.
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  2. #1382
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    Aaw- it must be nice to have someone that is more inclined to be worried in that situation than intimidated. When I intimidate people by accident it pisses me off because I'm NOT intimidating- which makes me more intimidating. Not pretty.

    So you're like those Asian school-girls. You know- the Anime ones that are all cute and stuff until they whip out a sword and end up surrounded by a pile of corpses?
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

  3. #1383
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    naiadknight is online now Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by drssgchic View Post
    Aaw- it must be nice to have someone that is more inclined to be worried in that situation than intimidated. When I intimidate people by accident it pisses me off because I'm NOT intimidating- which makes me more intimidating. Not pretty.

    So you're like those Asian school-girls. You know- the Anime ones that are all cute and stuff until they whip out a sword and end up surrounded by a pile of corpses?
    Kinda like that, but no weapons necessary. I keel you wif my MIND!
    "No fate but what we make"- Sarah Connor, Terminator 2
    Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
    My Primal Battle Tome

  4. #1384
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    namelesswonder is online now Moderator
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    Today I am deeply confused.

    I don't want to write about it here until Boyfriend and I have talked.

    But I have to ask: how much of what is said drunk should be taken at face value in the discussion the morning after?

    Or afternoon after. We'll see when he wears off his drunk. I think I finally fell asleep sometime after 4.
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  5. #1385
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    Things have sorted out. Apologies everywhere. Some sadness and tension at the apartment right now. Boyfriend got incredibly drunk and went off the deep end about something incredibly trivial. It was a long yelling match in the middle of the night. It was a real struggle to get him to stay, for a while, and then to try and leave myself.

    When I asked him what we could do to prevent that from ever happening again, he said he is not going to drink anymore, and that he has to be a bit less transparent about important things, like money. Sounds good to me. It's going to take me some time to feel totally comfortable with him again, which hurts both of us a lot, knowing that just from that, I no longer feel completely safe with the one person I ever felt completely safe with.

    So. Not quite the relaxing weekend I was hoping for. I am also incredibly gassy and it's super annoying and uncomfortable. I did, however, get a gift card for TJ Maxx (enough for some new underwear or a couple of new shirts if I find some cheap enough) and a nice check from my dad. I felt guilty accepting it, not sure why. Now I'm going to have to try really hard to just let it chill in my bank account and not spend it! It's enough for 1/4 of a tank of oil for next winter, or just under 1/2 of what's left on my smallest loan, but right now I just need to SAVE IT.
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  6. #1386
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    *Hugs Wonder, glares at Boyfriend*

    Fights, even over stupid stuff, happen. I'm glad you two were able to talk about it, though. That helps.

    I'm sorry you no longer feel safe. That's hard. Do you feel like you are in danger, or just not quite as protected?
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

  7. #1387
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    I don't feel as protected. It's the reality of "we all make mistakes." Boyfriend messed up pretty big and we are both trying to figure out how to deal with that. Him not drinking anymore is a start. I told him that I hope he understands why I might seem very uncomfortable about him drinking even casually for a while, as it will remind me of that...mess of a night. He got pretty mopey after I said that. I felt bad, but I remembered what he said about sometimes people get hurt in the process of fixing things (me and my dad). My recovery involves taking it slow. I am putting off talking about things, purposely, so that I will not overload him with guilt and shame. There are a lot of things that I still want to say, but I think are probably better left unsaid, at least for now. It's going to be a very uncomfortable therapy session this week, re-living that conversation, but I will have the opportunity to voice what I haven't been able to say, so that will be good.

    Yesterday I had some SAD food (hot dogs and potato salad made with SAD mayo, along with homemade burgers & steak) and my stomach is really hating me for it today. I'm guessing there were some terrible oils in the mayo. I didn't have much, but I know my stomach: it was enough. I also had my do-nothing Sunday and played with Boyfriend's niece and nephews, so that was good. I was so tired though, I took a nap in the evening and ended up finally feeling awake again...right when I wanted to sleep. So I took 3mg of Melatonin that I picked up and slept deeply, but am very groggy today. I think I will need to take it earlier if I try it again.

    I feel resigned today. Just kind of like today is a big sigh. I decided to go back to L-Tyrosine for now. The anxiety I've been experiencing over the past few days has just been too much for me to cope with. I also feel kind of good because I realize that I am not collapsing into a gooey pile of "woe is me". I am coping. I am recognizing when I something isn't okay and choosing to act or not act on it. So maybe the Tryptophan is still helping, or maybe I am just learning. Either way, I'm still going to stick with it for now. I also picked up a multi-vitamin over the weekend, that has lots of good things including Selenium & Iron, so my bases should be covering micro-nutritionally (thanks, NK, for the Alive! suggestion). I also decided to get some generic Zyrtec (got a 2 for 1 deal, hooray for reading the tiny ads in the store) so I don't have to stress about allergies for the time being. I'll still keep taking the honey, I just hope the Zyrtec doesn't cancel out any potential benefit it may have.

    I have a $25 TJ Maxx gift card (underwear and shirts are needed, can probably get a couple of the former and one of the latter) and a $25 Amazon gift card. I'm having a hard time telling myself "It's okay to treat yourself!" with the Amazon card. I keep thinking about that high-sided cat litter box I should get so I don't have to clean up cat litter several times a day. Or maybe there's something else to get for the apartment. I have a bunch of primal/brain-through-vitamins books on my wish lists, but I want to get something that's not work-related (in the sense of working on me, not job). A fun book will be read too quickly so I don't think I want reading material. I guess I could save it and maybe put it towards some nice minimalist shoes later on, when I have more extra $ to spend (I do have that check from my dad for my b.day, but I really want to try and keep it in savings for a month to make sure it's not needed elsewhere first). It could also go towards getting my bike all geared up again (new tires, tubes, and a good truing are needed), which I feel would be an appropriate compromise in the battle for a gift that's just-for-fun and for self-improvement. We'll see.

    So, happy birthday to me. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in the last year. Here's to another year of self-discovery and improvement.
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  8. #1388
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    Happy birthday. Gemini (I use sidereal zodiac) is a good sign. Cheer up, try not to mentalize so much. I'm a Virgo, I totally get it- in my head all day every day but it's gotten a lot better and I know it will for you too.

  9. #1389
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    Happy birthday, Tasha!

    I got money from my grandma once for my birthday and made the comment that now I can pay this or that. She got upset with me and told me that birthday money is to be spent on me, not on bills. It's a gift, not a bill payment.

    While the responsible person inside of you is saying "Keep it in case you need it", the fun side of you needs to realize that you deserve pampering and gifts too.
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  10. #1390
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    I really do want the pampering! I will get past this mental block. I mean, my dad's money would cover a pair of VFFs! I would have to wait to get them anyway, because I need to get sized. There's a cool shoe place in Harvard Square that carries VFFs (possibly other minimalist shoes, though the site doesn't show any...maybe the stock has changed) so I know I could try them on there, but I'll have to wait anyway because I'm going to Maine this weekend.

    Concerns for minimalist shoes: I have high arches, so they need to be able to fit over my arch comfortably. I like the following shoes for looks:
    Vivobarefoot Kali Black - Zappos.com Free Shipping BOTH Ways
    Merrell Barefoot Spirit Wrap Black - Zappos.com Free Shipping BOTH Ways
    Merrell Barefoot Wonder Glove Denim - Zappos.com Free Shipping BOTH Ways
    Merrell Barefoot Pace Glove Lavender Lustre - Zappos.com Free Shipping BOTH Ways

    All would be okay for the office, but all but the last probably wouldn't be great for cooler weather. As for VFFs, I'm pretty nervous about the teasing and questions that may occur with the "toe shoes". I don't think I could pick a style without trying them on first. I'd like something that can stand up fairly well to street-wear.
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