Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 115

[jenn26point2]

Right, and tonight is the anniversary of my overdose/suicide attempt. 8 years now. Usually I forget, but my mood will not allow for that today. Today, for the first time, I am not happy with where I am post-overdose.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. (hugs)

[naiadknight]

Cube 'em, toss 'em with butter, rosemary, thyme, garlic, salt, and pepper, and bake until tender.
As to the crying, I hear you. I've been needing to cry for a couple months now, but every time it actually tries to appear, I'm in a public place, and by the time I get back home it's gone. I don't like the tears, but they're a pressure release valve for the "I want outs." I usually have no clue what I want out of, because I love Geek and most of my life, but it's just this strong urge to run away from my problems, just for a little while. (I know I get it from mom. She acted on her urges.) Whenever I do cry and Geek's around to find me, he'll help me feel better, but there is a corking action there, because I know it pains him to see me hurting. I'unno. Crying is cathartic, but too much is counterproductive. I've been taught for so long that tears are bad that it's hard to act otherwise.
Anyways that's my 3 cents and more than you didn't want.

[naiadknight]

As to the overdosiversary and it's emotions- I'm sorry hun, I really am. I can't promise you that life'll get better, but it will go on and happy times will occasionally appear.

[justyouraveragecavemen]

Hang in there, wonderwoman.

[namelesswonder]

Thanks for the support, everyone. I am so unbalanced today that just reading your kind words made me tear up (and is making me tear up again thinking about it). I am prone to be very black or white about things so I am spending a lot of time fighting myself to try and stay gray, but it's taxing. I am afraid to talk to Boyfriend about this...

One thing I realized today is that I can walk away from this. It would suck and I don't think it's necessarily the right choice right now, but it's possible. I have made a commitment to Boyfriend, but we are not married. I think it would be okay for me to say (in better words) that if he doesn't get himself together in some fashion before July, I am not going to keep financially supporting him, unless he's made an obvious effort to get any sort of employment he can. There is no reason why I should have to shoulder all of the financial burdens if he just went out and got a job at a grocery store, even if it was minimum wage.

I feel like there is too much to discuss in therapy tomorrow, but one thing I know is I'm constantly correcting myself from trying to "find the answers" there. I know that she cannot tell me what to do, but it has always been my inclination to go to therapy and have someone tell me what to do. They can only make suggestions on how to present something that I have already decided to discuss and have offered up my own version of what to say/do. For the first time in my life, I'm ready for that kind of aid, the guidance and insight that a neutral party can reveal in myself, but today I am burnt out.

[drssgchic]

Right, and tonight is the anniversary of my overdose/suicide attempt. 8 years now. Usually I forget, but my mood will not allow for that today. Today, for the first time, I am not happy with where I am post-overdose.

Where you are right now might not be where you want to be, but I'm still glad you're here.

I think you're on the right track with Boyfriend. Coddling will only get him so far. Sometimes what's needed is a swift kick in the ass. If he's being picky about his job choices when he has one option and rent is coming due, then he needs a kick. If you don't deliver it, life will.

I can't prescribe you two weeks off like I got- but I do prescribe one night. You're to worry about nothing. Take a nice bath. Read a very silly book. Pick up a bottle of wine if the budget can spare it. And if Boyfriend isn't going to help you destress, then ignore his ass and take care of yourself right now.

[naiadknight]

As to Boyfriend- Drssg has the right idea. Jobs are short and he won't have the pick of the litter, especially starting out. He needs to try for everything, just to get one where y'all can survive without you doing every little thing for him, monetarily. I know how hard it is to swallow your pride and apply for things you're beyond overqualified for. But when it's between that and having somewhere to live and food, you take what you can get. Give him the ultimatum. 6months, 8 months, whatever your gut tells you is right. Baby bird won't fly unless he's kicked out of the nest.
We're all here for you. Take a night for YOU. Not necessarily tonight if that's dangerous timing, but one of these nights do all the things you consider to be pleasurable, ESPECIALLY the guilty pleasures.

[cori93437]

Wonder,

I know this is late, and maybe you're past it and want to move on to other subjects... I was having a bit of a rough day too and wasn't sure how much I wanted to put into a response here. But I've wrenched around in my own guts a good bit and decided that it's best to just go ahead and put stuff out there.

By seventh grade I was cutting. It got noticed and I found other outlets that were similar but less identifiable. I still revert to them in times of extreme anxiety, sometimes it can take me a few weeks to even realize that I'm actively doing it. Then I progressed to taking walks "hunting" with the shotgun. I didn't walk much. I mostly found a very quiet and secluded spot where I could sit and cry and face down that barrel. Sitting in the woods with the butt of a gun between your bare feet isn't exactly an attempt, but I got pretty close.
I know I can't understand your exact pain. But I understand the nature of it, and how it can feel like it takes over everything.

You are so brave for putting it out there and letting the world see it. And see you working through it.
I hope that tomorrow finds you in a better place. I hope that therapy doesn't feel strained or unproductive for you. And I hope that the BF can open his eyes and see that he needs to be a part of the unit, not an adjunct.
I wish I could wrap you up in comfort, but I know that each of us has to find that from within.

And this... the translation isn't great... but the idea is right.
It's about accepting yourself and loving your life, the good and the bad, and letting go of things that need to be.


I hope that was helpful and not hurtful... when I feel all twisted up inside I never know if what I say will be taken the way I feel it. You know.

Peace and love to you.

[namelesswonder]

Cori, thank you. Really.

The Anacreontic Song (Georgia Tech Glee Club) - YouTube
Guys. GUYS. I found out recently that the tune for the American national anthem is based on a British drinking song. My friends and I have decided that we must sing this at a bar to really demonstrate its full drunken potential. And we all need to be drinking beer (or ale). It's going to rock. Maybe we should have a bar outing around the 4th. Maaannnn why does it have to be in the middle of the week? At least it will be a nice way to break up the week.

Food: Two cookies yesterday. They are gone now. I think I will ask Boyfriend to help me get through the rest of the month without any wheat. My second attempt at steak came out a bit more medium, but still really tasty. Boyfriend's was closer to well on the medium-well spectrum and he said it was not too tough. We roasted potatoes and they were awesome as well. A side of veg would've rounded out the meal, but sometimes I just want to stuff myself on steak and potatoes and THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE.

Exercise: Two nights ago I did a bunch of my KB lifts and presses and swings. My anti-candida supps and the L-Glutamine kill the wheat-bloat pretty well so my stomach is back to mostly flat and I am ready to push myself more to see what abs I can reveal. I think I would need to lose more body fat in order to really make them show, but I'm happy to build on what I have now for that ultimate "athletic" look. I'll never have the boobs, but maybe I can have the booty.

Budget: I tried on all my bathing suit pieces last weekend and I think I can fix-up the bikini bottoms I have so they fit well enough. Pretty sure they would fall off in a dive right now. And I've been wearing the same tops for years and years and that's unlikely to change so I am not going to waste any money on a new suit right now. As much as I wanted to splurge on something material this month, I think my birthday gift to myself is going to be tickets to that concert at the end of the month.

I'm off to therapy in a few, probably will update more after on the state of my brain. Right now, I feel like there are so many things going on inside my head, I don't know what I'll talk about there and I don't know what I'd start with here.

[justyouraveragecavemen]

I found out recently that the tune for the American national anthem is based on a British drinking song

I knew that, but had never heard the song. If you can sing that drunk, you're not drunk enough.