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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 114

  1. #1131
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    namelesswonder is offline Senior Member
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    Oh just realized why I'm frustrated now: I feel like my feelings are being invalidated (and THAT is the kind of lack of support I get from my family). It's kind of a "yeah but" sense I'm getting. I worry about coming across as a typical frustrated young adult (I suppose at 23, I still fit into the YA category?) online and this discussion has made me feel a bit like "everyone is against me", which is a very stereotypical young rebel kind of sentiment. I don't want to be treated like a dunce because I am younger and have less life experience. Being open about my feelings should not make me seem like a weakling, but that is an issue with society as a whole, not just for me in particular. Maybe I take too much to heart, but understanding how I feel about how others act towards me will help me act towards others in a way that feels most comfortable and appropriate.
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  2. #1132
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    jel
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    Well I didn't mean to offend you or minimize your feelings at all, so if that's how you took it, I apologize. I've enjoyed reading your journal for a while, and I was just trying to help.

  3. #1133
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    No need to apologize, I appreciate all input. It is possible I am just an extra sensitive flower today due to two nights in a row of poor sleep (~3 hrs two nights ago, 5-6 last night). Regardless, I am allowing myself the time and space to analyze my feelings to see if there is something that can be learned from the analysis. With my new therapist's help, I feel like I am much better equipped to determine what I need from relationships and for myself (to grow and improve, to be healthy). I find it interesting and it helps me to separate myself a little from the negative thoughts.

    Hmm...maybe a little coffee today. My building has had the AC on since March and I'm very cold
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  4. #1134
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    I just want to say that I think your feelings are justified even if I don't entirely understand why you're this upset about it from a personal standpoint. My parents didn't say much when I got my tattoos and now it doesn't seem to bother them at all when I get a new one. I can see your dad's point of view based on the perspective the PP drew out.

    it is a large tattoo, but it has meaning, legitimate meaning, so it's not tasteless or tacky. I wonder if, in part, your dad is upset that you spent money on a tattoo when you're worried about how you'll make the rent in July?? I know you mentioned that the tattoo was already in the works when the money problems arose, but maybe he doesn't recall that? I don't know. Just trying some different angles.

    I hope your day gets better.
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  5. #1135
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    I don't think my parents are very aware of my financial situation. I have not talked to them about it, mostly since there is nothing that they can do. I don't think they're struggling, but they certainly can't spare any money to help us out. I have felt some guilt about spending money on the tattoo when things are so tight, but yeah, it was already in the works when things got really bad (we knew Boyfriend would need to get a job, but hadn't really imagined what it would be like). It was also an emotional investment, in part, for me, and maybe that is part of the reason why I feel upset over someone so negative about it. It's not just "this thing that I did", but a part of me that I am putting on display with the rest of the world. I don't really blame my dad's friend for that, he has obviously not thought about the meaning behind tattoos very much.

    These are all things that I think might be helpful in explaining to my dad why I was so upset. Thanks for helping me think it out, everyone. I realize that I do not have to explain myself to random folks on the internet (however helpful they may be) despite my inclination to do so. What's most important is that I understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling and can use that to strengthen my relationship with my dad. I just really don't want to cry when I talk to him! I think I need to take some time to make a list about my feelings with the situation and figure out what is most important for me to convey to him.

    Sometimes I get really wrapped up in dreams and coming back to reality is harsh. I had some really wonderful ideas for continuing my tattoo into a sleeve, but I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT invest in something so expensive again this year. What money I can save must be saved until I am sure the money is unneeded, then I can put it into loans, or saved for longer until we have a decent surplus. It may be some time until things are stable enough that I can even consider covering my first tattoo, which would be a much cheaper option. These are all good things, though, because it means I will spend more time considering the concept and design to make sure I am 100% in love with it. I once told myself I should spend at least 3 years considering a tattoo design before I get one and that's worked out well at least once

    Today's dream-shattering moment brought to you by a concert that Boyfriend and I really want to go to at the end of the month. On the one hand, $20/ea isn't awful, we can take public transit to and from the concert, and we know we'll have a great time. On the other hand, that's $40 that would otherwise be saved. I'll talk to Boyfriend about it. It might be really good for his depression to go to this concert (he loves this band)... He is going in for a second interview with Home Depot today. He said if they say it's for the sales associate position, he'll thank them and tell them to fuck off. I reminded him that he really needs a job and he can always keep looking and quit this one later on. He begrudgingly agreed so I REALLY hope he takes this.

    Marriage is on my mind lately. The date that Boyfriend told me to remember (June 22nd) is coming up and I don't know if he's going to propose. I'm fairly certain he has not had the funds for a ring unless he omitted that from our financial discussions (and it's already been purchased). Frankly, I don't care if I have a ring or not (I have my mom's engagement ring if I wanted to wear one), I just want Boyfriend to become FiancÚ (which I knew how to make that symbol other than copying and pasting from another site). Oh crap, that means I have less than 3 weeks till my birthday and I need to take progress photos. Guess I should bust out the kettlebell again today =P

    AND CUT THE FUCKING SUGAR. I had more chocolate than I should have last night, but it was 85% dark with chili and it was REALLY tasty.
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  6. #1136
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    Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.
    Added an About Me and Links of Interest page (top of the blog). Now I really want to make a custom header and possibly template. Wonder if I could get a talented friend to design a template for me, I'm not good with that kind of graphic design.

    And I definitely need a better blog title.
    Journal on depression/anxiety
    Curing IBS-C with Vitamin C and magnesium citrate.

  7. #1137
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    Ah... dreams. I have dreams of so many things but they're so far away from reality that it's rather depressing, so I pretty much ignore them for now.

    Marriage. It's got it's ups and it's got it's down.... I'll stop there. Not sure how to put the little thingus above the e here... I know how to do it in Word, but it's not working here...

    Sugar... ME TOO! I hate sugar for it's evilness! Vile, evil sweetness.
    Primal since March 5, 2012
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  8. #1138
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    I had a bowl of greek yogurt with raw local honey (now condensed to RLH because I'm cool like that) last night. Aw fuck, that's right, Boyfriend made more cookies from scratch and they were even better than the first batch and I had one. My chin-acne is lingering because of these slips and because I'm having a hard time figuring out my candida combat strategies. L-Glutamine works fairly well on its own when I take it twice a day, but my bowel function is not quite right without probiotics. It seems counterproductive to take them at the same time, so I'm trying to do one in the morning and one in the evening, but keep forgetting. I just hope that once I get that down, my gut will heal enough that I can stop all these supplements!

    I cried for a while on my own last night. I just feel really lonely. I didn't want to think so I just sat there in the dark until I felt like I could get up and do something. I tidied a couple things up and then asked Boyfriend if he could cuddle with me. I could not cool off last night so while he ended up falling asleep (and waking up with me this morning), I had to go sleep in the other room so I wasn't curling up in what felt like a pool of sweat. Urgh.

    This morning, I admitted to Boyfriend about crying last night and how I was feeling. I told him I did not want to burden him with my feelings because he is feeling the same way and it doesn't help him any to hear it from me. I don't think he knew what to say (normally he'd say soothing things and hold me tight) so he just held me quietly. I keep thinking to myself, "I am at my wit's end," but I don't know what with, or what to do.

    My steak is defrosting in the fridge, but not marinading in anything. I hope it will be okay with just some dry rub (it's some kind of london broil cut). I have some red potatoes and I'm not sure what to do with them, but I think I want them with the steak tonight. Mashed potatoes are too much work, maybe I can just cube them and bake.
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  9. #1139
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    Right, and tonight is the anniversary of my overdose/suicide attempt. 8 years now. Usually I forget, but my mood will not allow for that today. Today, for the first time, I am not happy with where I am post-overdose.
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  10. #1140
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    I have some red potatoes and I'm not sure what to do with them, but I think I want them with the steak tonight. Mashed potatoes are too much work, maybe I can just cube them and bake.
    SparkPeople has a recipe that goes something like this:

    red potatoes - cubed with skin
    2 tbsp olive oil
    basil
    rosemary
    oregano
    thyme
    garlic

    Mix all together and place on a baking sheet. Bake for about 15-20 minute (until done) at 350 degrees.

    Super yum. I don't remember the quanities though and because the recipe is in their cookbook, which they want you to buy, it's not a recipe that's available online. I would think you could do a 1/2 tsp for each (or more for the garlic).
    Primal since March 5, 2012
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