Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 112

[namelesswonder]

I emailed my dad. I read it over a couple of times and sent it before I could back out. This has gone on long enough. Most of me is relieved that it's been said, but part of me is panicking about the discussion that may or may not occur as a result.

[drssgchic]

I'm sorry I've been MIA, Wonder. First of all *Hug!* I don't have much brilliance to offer, but I can do that much. I'm really glad you sent the e-mail. Control what you can, it helps

Enjoy the long weekend! Spend lots of it outside and stuff yourself with good food. It tastes good, and it'll help you get back on track.

Sounds like you have a good therapist. She's making you think and ask hard questions. It's hard, but so very good.

I understand where BF is coming from with the deceit of the position- but he's more employable if he's employed. If he gets a chance, he should think about taking the job just to cover bills until he can find something better. It sucks, but it's not like you two have a lot of wiggle room to take a moral stand. (Yes, I know it sucks to sell morality for grocery money, but that's the way the world works right now)

[namelesswonder]

No response from my dad yet, but I don't know how often he checks email and I sent it towards the end of the work day on Friday (it's his home email though).

I'm not sure how exactly to nicely say "You need a job, suck it up and follow up with sales positions like you said you would" to Boyfriend. I think it's too late to follow up with Home Depot, it's been a week now I think. But yeah, things are getting desperate and I think he really just needs to take what he can get.

Today is SUPER hot and humid which means I can't stand/walk for long without getting swollen hands and feet. We are hiding out in the AC (set it up earlier this week) and wishing we had something to do. SO BORED.

[cori93437]

Today is SUPER hot and humid which means I can't stand/walk for long without getting swollen hands and feet. We are hiding out in the AC (set it up earlier this week) and wishing we had something to do. SO BORED.

A dollar store packet of "washable" markers.
Naked skin.
Draw stuff.
It's fun.
It's nearly free.


*also good for rainy days.
** even though markers say washable... try to keep to torso and thigh skin that won't show 'just in case'.
I've gotten 'washables' that weren't so washable before... but it's always gone in a few days.
*** drawings don't have to be pretty, or dirty. Just random fun doodles and colorful stuff.

[namelesswonder]

Hooray for national holidays!

I believe I have successfully spent all of my income this month. This is okay, considering the finishing of the tattoo, extra money spent on tolls/gas for Maryland, and that I covered 100% of the groceries (around $375, though that food will bring us into next month and includes a couple of treats). So while I have not managed to save any money (well, about $80), we're staying afloat. I just can't spend anything this week. The only thing I need is more butter and cash for therapy (though I have a habit of forgetting to get it so I could wait till next week).

Saturday, we went out and kicked around the soccer ball. My histamine pills seem to work well enough for sneezing when I'm out and about, but my feet were super itchy and red, not just from the heat, but from being barefoot in the grass. It was fun and my legs were a bit stiff the next day. I have trouble controlling my legs because they're not used to that kind of activity so I can feel my hips all loose when I try to kick and run. Takes a bit more focus than I'd like to keep my body under control. It explains why I've always looked like such a flailing nutter when running around, as I didn't pay attention to it before. I think squats will help. Next month: chiropractor visit FO SHO (and it's only $7 with my insurance wwwwhhhaaattt).

I had oranges today. HIT THE SPOT MAN LET ME TELL YOU. I had a craving after playing soccer. It's just ingrained in my head: soccer = oranges. Thank you, middle school soccer career. Boyfriend (who played soccer from ages 10-18 and was on a very successful team and he's fucking GOOD) just laughed.

Fae is eating less lately. Her weight range is supposed to eat 2/3 cup of dry food daily, so I put out 1/3 morning and evening. I'm down to 1/4 cup morning and evening and she doesn't even finish that. Not sure if I should be enforcing feeding times (if she doesn't eat within 30 min, put the food away until the next meal) or if it's just the heat or she's managing her weight on her own because this food is so filling. For now, I guess I will just be throwing out a bit of food every time I fill up her bowl (actually a tupperware container because we're cheap like that).

[namelesswonder]

Hrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh

I'm a zombie today.

No, not really.

I'M FUCKING EXHAUSTED.

I got plenty of sleep this weekend, but it turned out to be too much, so I could not fall asleep last night. I think I got about 3 hours total, spread about at various points in the night/early morning. Hard to tell when you're good at zoning out. I woke up so tired that I practically fell onto Boyfriend in tears, kind of freaked him out because he suggested I do a half day and make up the hours throughout the week. So tempting, but I am going to tough it out because I hate the idea of a 9 hr day. Well, 9.5, for lunch. Anyway, I could not shut off my brain last night, but could not focus well enough to read, so I basically could not do anything but lie there.

I need to get more Zyrtec. The histamine pills I got are okay-ish, but I keep waking up with my mouth hanging open and feeling pretty congested. Not good enough. The raw local honey definitely helps also, but still not enough. And that doesn't help with grass, which I found out is what those fluffy seeds were from.

I'm waiting for my big-ass thunderstorm, where is it? Supposed to happen over the next couple of days. I want some thunder and lighting, baby! I hope it rains tonight because it will definitely help me sleep. I have our air filter (which still desperately needs a new filter) running and the white noise usually helps, but not last night.

I have a blog post planned, but need to hunt down an old photo on my external hard drive to make it happen. I think it's from 2005. It was printed on the high school's literary magazine, but I don't know where my copy of that publication is anymore.

I feel guilty for
-not having finished editing wedding photos and sent them to my aunt
-not writing a blog post Friday or Monday (and why seriously why would I feel guilty for this? I don't have a regular readership anyway)
-feeling angry at Boyfriend for his nocturnal schedule (I think it's okay to be angry about it, but the guilt makes no sense)
-eating ice cream (as well I should! I got a few pimples as a result)

No response from my dad yet, s'possible he hasn't seen it yet. Wondering now if I got his email address right.

And if you're wondering, dawn & white vinegar make a GREAT scum-busting cleaning solution, but your bathroom will smell like vinegar all day (blegh).

[namelesswonder]

Dude, seriously? Not even from my fucking journal! GTFO, spammer.

[namelesswonder]

My dad emailed me back. I am struggling to find the correct words that describe how I feel about it (thank you, therapist, for getting me to specify what kind of "funny" or how something is "strange"). I am confused by it. It almost seems like a canned response. Maybe he is also confused. I have to remind myself that just because he is a parent does not mean he has all the answers.

I appreciate your bringing this to my attention and I applaud your courage for find a way to do so. I welcome the opportunity to clear the air on this issue and any other that would drive a wedge between us. I think we can talk this out and improve our relationship.

I am also frustrated by this response because it still leaves things hanging. I wanted him to say something like this, but also, "Let's talk about this. Insert time and place." Something definitive to keep the ball rolling, but instead the ball is rolling around in circles with a big question mark over it. This email is a great example of how my family fails at communicating, but at least I know that *I* have an idea of what I want/need, which is most important. This reminds me of why I love Boyfriend, because he is definitive.

I guess if I'm going to do this, that means I get to be the planner. So I guess I should schedule a project (I have a small table & bookcase I want to sand/paint/stain) & coffee date with him this weekend so we can work and chat to make it less upsetting, perhaps.

There was an moment the other day at Boyfriend's family's house (at which I struggled very hard not to eat pizza after declining it) when this event came up in conversation with Boyfriend's sister. I told her what had happened, about being called "defaced" and my dad not standing up for me, and her response (kind of shock and horror, as well as support) made me feel uncomfortable. It is nice to know that his family has my back, but hurts to be reminded that family does not, or at least not in the way I am looking for.

[jenn26point2]

I'm glad you emailed your dad and while he made no effort to set a date to talk about it, he at least acknowledged the problem. Maybe he just means "talk the next time we see each other" instead of wanting to set a schedule. I think he was also shocked by the email you sent him. He probably didn't see it coming. But at least now the problem is in the air... it's just up to one of you to grab it to be tackled. Good luck!

[Candy in Wonderland]

I think it's a clever thing to plan a "project date" with your dad to talk about the issue. This might make it easier for him to talk about it. Good luck!