Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change? page 111

[jenn26point2]

who has time to read other threads??? I have so many journals I try to keep up with that my head spins! I don't have TIME for the "new threads" out there. lol

But since you piqued my interest, I'm going to go look around for it.

[namelesswonder]

I gave up on page 18 the other day, feels like way too much effort to catch up now and it was the same thing over and over for a while, I found myself glossing over.

I finished the Hunger Games trilogy. I enjoyed them and wonder how Hollywood will manage to depict the other novels as they're much less "easy" to dumb down. I did not find the romantic resolution fulfilling, the way it panned out. I like a good romance now and then, what can I say (I read some Nora Roberts in high school, made me feel better when I was pretty depressed, especially the supernatural ones).

[Mud Flinger]

Don't bother with the bran muffin thread - it'll just make you want to smack somebody! The asshat on there is busy calling J3nn a fat ass because she's lost 90lbs and still isn't at goal and OMG, eats a treat now and then. Get a life dude! In real life he probably hides behind his Mommy to keep the bullies away - some people on the internet are such dumb shits!

[jenn26point2]

Wow that bran muffin thread went all sorts of wrong, didn't it... geesh.

You must read fast! It took me longer to read the 2nd one than the others. I was thinking the effects in 3 would be harder to make possible on video than anything else. But I haven't seen the movie either, so I can't say as to whether or not books 2 and 3 will be possible to make into movies.

Is Hunger Games still in theaters? Wondering how long it'll be before it's on PPV.

[namelesswonder]

I read way too fast. I was able to get all of The Hunger Games in pretty easily, its a pretty easy read in terms of structure (though maybe not content, not for me anyway). Other things, I forget most of what I've read because I go through it too fast. Always a problem for me with school especially if I don't understand what I'm reading. Part of it is the Executive Functioning Disorder.

Ramblings, Ravings and Rants.: Tattoo process–Owl & Eagle
If anyone is interested, this is about my experience with getting tattooed, from working out the art to the actual process. I need to get a daylight photo of my babies so you can see how the color has "settled". I love the whole autumnal water color feel to it, but I really want something brighter/more colorful next! I have this idea for a bloomed rose, maybe just past its bloom (when the petals are a little too widely spread), with dew drops on it and a honey bee on it or approaching, another little homage to my grandfather. He kept bees when I was growing up, so the raw local honey I've been eating in the morning (which does seem to help my allergies) gives me some nice nostalgic moments.

My brain is back online to at least 80% today. I'd say it's at 90% on a good day, so this is pretty good considering how low I was yesterday. I got to bed by 9 PM, took a bit to fall asleep, was too hot, had to pee, had to put in the ear plugs to ignore the kitty scratching at the door etc. I forgot to set my alarm again after messing with it yesterday so I actually would not have had an alarm today and woke up at 15 min after it usually goes off (which is 7:30). I don't think I want to risk that happening again, though I think I could wake up consistently without an alarm anyway. It felt pretty good! I really need more breakfast protein, I'm very happy with being able to scramble my eggs on the cast iron now (finally figured out how/it seems to have seasoned itself at last), but I think some Applegate snausages would not go amiss. I don't think I need to worry about yeast content so much now, bowels seem in order, and those at least are a pretty good brand.

I still feel a bit "off" in terms of overall health, but after last night's wonderful rest, I feel like I am starting to mend. Maybe I'm just optimistic. That's rare! Last night, Boyfriend's mom took us out for Mexican and I had rice and beans, but no ill effects today It was a great load off my mind to not have to do dinner last night, plus his mom is an awesome lady. Boyfriend was reminded to give her the last of his surgery bills, since they have $$ for it (flexible spending account sent them checks yadda yadda yadda it's a small load off his mind at least). Today he has the car for laundry, dropping off an application, picking up others if available, but he is still applying to other places for security gigs. We need a paycheck before July, dear gods, please let him find a job soon. Today I am trying hard to push away the panic that threatens to rise when I think about this. I don't know what we will do if we can't pay rent in July, or when we should warn our land lady if things are looking grim.

You know what I REALLY dislike about this area? Even if we found a studio apartment (which would be significantly cheaper, so much that I could pay for rent entirely for a little while) in a good area, with enough parking spots, that would allow a cat, so few of them will allow two people! I hear about couples that will get a studio apartment to save money for weddings and such and that just does not seem possible around here. Really maddening. I am trying to branch out a little, but we need to stay within scooter distance of my work at least (for the next year, after that Boyfriend goes back to school and we need to be close to the trains again), so that limits things a lot. Otherwise, I'd take the hit in commute time, making it an hour + to get to work and we'd move a bit farther west or north where it's much cheaper.

I owe my aunt a CD of wedding photos, but I need to go through more of them to convert from RAW to JPEG so she can work with them. The RAW files take up 5 GB and I can't spare the cash to get her a flash drive to sent it all, but I do have CDs! I just don't feel motivated in the least to finish converting the photos and I feel pretty guilty about that. Once that's done, I need to send it to her, which means taking the time to go to the post office. I am not motivated to go out for anything beyond groceries in the evening though, even if it's on the way.

[namelesswonder]

Wedding photos - still not edited or sent.

I took Tyrosine this morning. I feel like it is keeping the worst of the anxiety at bay, but I am pretty depressed today. At least I am feeling more functional than I was earlier in the week, though I am choosing not to do anything. I got to bed a bit late so I would really rather be home sleeping with Boyfriend.

I am really, really stressed and don't know what to do about it. I know there is no immediate fix for it so I am trying to figure out what little things might help. Time off would be lovely, though I know I'd get bored, and I need to save my time off for emergencies. I told Boyfriend that if he doesn't get a job soon I'm dragging him to the ER for a psych eval, just so he gets SOMETHING in the ways of professional help for his depression. Anyway, I need to save up my PTO for things like that and I can't afford to not get paid, otherwise I'd take a day off and not use PTO for it.

He would be pissed if he knew I was talking about him on a public forum.

I've been keeping an eye on apartment listings, just in case, but location is important and there aren't a lot of listings that look like they allow cats. I don't want to have to give my cat back to my parents I don't want to have to move back home.

[namelesswonder]

I don't feel like making a blog post with links today as I had a post planned (that I may or may not write), so I'm putting some here. We'll see if this changes later, since I'll be out of the office for 2 hours today.

The Hefty Hideaway • We let Willow cut her hair. When you have a little...
-Do I feel in control of my body? Not really, come to think of it. I've had the urge to buzz my head before, but I stop myself because I know how my hair sticks straight out when it's too short and I feel like I would look really silly. I worry about how others would perceive me too, but bleached and buzzed hair sounds super cute to me. I worry WAY too much about what people think of me.

Okay that's the only link I have right now apparently. I've off to therapy soon, here's hoping it doesn't rain. I'll probably write a longer post including the usual weekend goals when I get back.

[namelesswonder]

Therapy was good today, despite my apprehension! More later, gonna browse MDA and nom some food (pork chop and sweet potato that I boiled yesterday and forgot to mash) first. And maybe do some work [[rolls eyes]].

[justyouraveragecavemen]

Wonderwoman, I'm calling BS on the person who works 8 hours and can't take but a 60 second break. They need a lesson in time utilization or they shouldn't be in Gitmo in the first place.

[namelesswonder]

Yeah seriously. It could easily be taken up with HR or upper management if it is illegal for their state or work-place. I read it as "making excuses", which is not to say it's not difficult for them to give up these bad foods, but until they make a true effort, it's going to remain just as difficult. I know what hypoglycemic hunger feels like, I know how you feel like you can't ignore it, but that could be easily solved by having a good protein-filled breakfast. Erm. Hit a sore spot with that, I think they did.

Okay time to start rambling.

Therapy stuff: Therapy was relieving today. Writing here has helped me be able to articulate myself much more concisely. I restart sentences when I'm speaking to re-word in much the same way I would write and then go back to edit. This is okay though because it means that it is easier for me to edit before I speak when I'm out in the world and not just in therapy. Some questions were brought up that made me uncomfortable (did not get around to saying so) about Boyfriend understanding me. I felt myself getting defensive and I took a long pause to think about what would be my most honest answer. I want to talk to Boyfriend about this, but I think it would be better to leave that in therapy for now.

I feel like I had a bit of a break-through today. Ultimately, I will decide if I want to A) accept my family as they are and recognize that there are some things that I can't get from those relationships and find those things elsewhere, or B) determine what it is exactly what I'm missing from those relationships and discussing that lack with my family. I think there was another option, but I forget. Right now, I have no gut feelings either way. The idea of "letting it go" is scary to me, but I realize that I would be much less stressed if I was able to do so. Determining what is missing would be beneficial for personal growth and for developing future relationships.

There is some kind of emotional component missing to the relationship with my family and I am curious as to what it is. It's not as though my parents neglected me. They "went through all the motions", but something was missing. I know they love me, so what is it? If it's just the way I see it, and it's actually there, why is that?

Questions, questions, questions.

Food: Killer lunch today. Having mashed sweet potato (just with a pat of KG butter, forgot the cinnamon) was a nice treat today. Dinner might be burgers or chicken, Boyfriend's turn.

Oh right, and I had two brownies last night, but no bloating today, so I'm still on track for bikini progress pics

Exercise: Has not been happening this week, but I'm giving myself a pass from being pretty fucking depressed. I feel much more like myself today so I think I'm on the mend and ready to do something. Must. have. butt. and abs.

Weekend goals:
-MIB III (hopefully tonight if Boyfriend isn't asleep/I can wake him up)
-Do something outside (kick the soccer ball around with Boyfriend)
-finish up wedding photos and get them on their way to my aunt
-ENJOY SLEEPING IN ON A MONDAY BOOYAH