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Thread: Anxiety, depression, laziness...Can the nameless wonder change?

  1. #1101
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    I don't feel like making a blog post with links today as I had a post planned (that I may or may not write), so I'm putting some here. We'll see if this changes later, since I'll be out of the office for 2 hours today.

    The Hefty Hideaway • We let Willow cut her hair. When you have a little...
    -Do I feel in control of my body? Not really, come to think of it. I've had the urge to buzz my head before, but I stop myself because I know how my hair sticks straight out when it's too short and I feel like I would look really silly. I worry about how others would perceive me too, but bleached and buzzed hair sounds super cute to me. I worry WAY too much about what people think of me.

    Okay that's the only link I have right now apparently. I've off to therapy soon, here's hoping it doesn't rain. I'll probably write a longer post including the usual weekend goals when I get back.
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  2. #1102
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    Therapy was good today, despite my apprehension! More later, gonna browse MDA and nom some food (pork chop and sweet potato that I boiled yesterday and forgot to mash) first. And maybe do some work [[rolls eyes]].
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  3. #1103
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    Wonderwoman, I'm calling BS on the person who works 8 hours and can't take but a 60 second break. They need a lesson in time utilization or they shouldn't be in Gitmo in the first place.
    If I just said LOL, I lied. Do or do not. There is no try.

  4. #1104
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    Yeah seriously. It could easily be taken up with HR or upper management if it is illegal for their state or work-place. I read it as "making excuses", which is not to say it's not difficult for them to give up these bad foods, but until they make a true effort, it's going to remain just as difficult. I know what hypoglycemic hunger feels like, I know how you feel like you can't ignore it, but that could be easily solved by having a good protein-filled breakfast. Erm. Hit a sore spot with that, I think they did.

    Okay time to start rambling.

    Therapy stuff: Therapy was relieving today. Writing here has helped me be able to articulate myself much more concisely. I restart sentences when I'm speaking to re-word in much the same way I would write and then go back to edit. This is okay though because it means that it is easier for me to edit before I speak when I'm out in the world and not just in therapy. Some questions were brought up that made me uncomfortable (did not get around to saying so) about Boyfriend understanding me. I felt myself getting defensive and I took a long pause to think about what would be my most honest answer. I want to talk to Boyfriend about this, but I think it would be better to leave that in therapy for now.

    I feel like I had a bit of a break-through today. Ultimately, I will decide if I want to A) accept my family as they are and recognize that there are some things that I can't get from those relationships and find those things elsewhere, or B) determine what it is exactly what I'm missing from those relationships and discussing that lack with my family. I think there was another option, but I forget. Right now, I have no gut feelings either way. The idea of "letting it go" is scary to me, but I realize that I would be much less stressed if I was able to do so. Determining what is missing would be beneficial for personal growth and for developing future relationships.

    There is some kind of emotional component missing to the relationship with my family and I am curious as to what it is. It's not as though my parents neglected me. They "went through all the motions", but something was missing. I know they love me, so what is it? If it's just the way I see it, and it's actually there, why is that?

    Questions, questions, questions.

    Food: Killer lunch today. Having mashed sweet potato (just with a pat of KG butter, forgot the cinnamon) was a nice treat today. Dinner might be burgers or chicken, Boyfriend's turn.

    Oh right, and I had two brownies last night, but no bloating today, so I'm still on track for bikini progress pics

    Exercise: Has not been happening this week, but I'm giving myself a pass from being pretty fucking depressed. I feel much more like myself today so I think I'm on the mend and ready to do something. Must. have. butt. and abs.

    Weekend goals:
    -MIB III (hopefully tonight if Boyfriend isn't asleep/I can wake him up)
    -Do something outside (kick the soccer ball around with Boyfriend)
    -finish up wedding photos and get them on their way to my aunt
    -ENJOY SLEEPING IN ON A MONDAY BOOYAH
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  5. #1105
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    I emailed my dad. I read it over a couple of times and sent it before I could back out. This has gone on long enough. Most of me is relieved that it's been said, but part of me is panicking about the discussion that may or may not occur as a result.
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  6. #1106
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    I'm sorry I've been MIA, Wonder. First of all *Hug!* I don't have much brilliance to offer, but I can do that much. I'm really glad you sent the e-mail. Control what you can, it helps

    Enjoy the long weekend! Spend lots of it outside and stuff yourself with good food. It tastes good, and it'll help you get back on track.

    Sounds like you have a good therapist. She's making you think and ask hard questions. It's hard, but so very good.

    I understand where BF is coming from with the deceit of the position- but he's more employable if he's employed. If he gets a chance, he should think about taking the job just to cover bills until he can find something better. It sucks, but it's not like you two have a lot of wiggle room to take a moral stand. (Yes, I know it sucks to sell morality for grocery money, but that's the way the world works right now)
    http://cattaillady.com/ My blog exploring the beginning stages of learning how to homestead. With the occasional rant.

    Originally Posted by TheFastCat: Less is more more or less

    And now I have an Etsy store: CattailsandCalendula

  7. #1107
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    No response from my dad yet, but I don't know how often he checks email and I sent it towards the end of the work day on Friday (it's his home email though).

    Today is SUPER hot and humid which means I can't stand/walk for long without getting swollen hands and feet. We are hiding out in the AC (set it up earlier this week) and wishing we had something to do. SO BORED.
    Last edited by namelesswonder; 01-16-2015 at 01:19 PM.
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  8. #1108
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    Quote Originally Posted by namelesswonder View Post
    Today is SUPER hot and humid which means I can't stand/walk for long without getting swollen hands and feet. We are hiding out in the AC (set it up earlier this week) and wishing we had something to do. SO BORED.
    A dollar store packet of "washable" markers.
    Naked skin.
    Draw stuff.
    It's fun.
    It's nearly free.


    *also good for rainy days.
    ** even though markers say washable... try to keep to torso and thigh skin that won't show 'just in case'.
    I've gotten 'washables' that weren't so washable before... but it's always gone in a few days.
    *** drawings don't have to be pretty, or dirty. Just random fun doodles and colorful stuff.
    “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
    ~Friedrich Nietzsche
    And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


  9. #1109
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    Hooray for national holidays!

    I believe I have successfully spent all of my income this month. This is okay, considering the finishing of the tattoo, extra money spent on tolls/gas for Maryland, and that I covered 100% of the groceries (around $375, though that food will bring us into next month and includes a couple of treats). So while I have not managed to save any money (well, about $80), we're staying afloat. I just can't spend anything this week. The only thing I need is more butter and cash for therapy (though I have a habit of forgetting to get it so I could wait till next week).

    Saturday, we went out and kicked around the soccer ball. My histamine pills seem to work well enough for sneezing when I'm out and about, but my feet were super itchy and red, not just from the heat, but from being barefoot in the grass. It was fun and my legs were a bit stiff the next day. I have trouble controlling my legs because they're not used to that kind of activity so I can feel my hips all loose when I try to kick and run. Takes a bit more focus than I'd like to keep my body under control. It explains why I've always looked like such a flailing nutter when running around, as I didn't pay attention to it before. I think squats will help. Next month: chiropractor visit FO SHO (and it's only $7 with my insurance wwwwhhhaaattt).

    I had oranges today. HIT THE SPOT MAN LET ME TELL YOU. I had a craving after playing soccer. It's just ingrained in my head: soccer = oranges. Thank you, middle school soccer career. Boyfriend (who played soccer from ages 10-18 and was on a very successful team and he's fucking GOOD) just laughed.

    Fae is eating less lately. Her weight range is supposed to eat 2/3 cup of dry food daily, so I put out 1/3 morning and evening. I'm down to 1/4 cup morning and evening and she doesn't even finish that. Not sure if I should be enforcing feeding times (if she doesn't eat within 30 min, put the food away until the next meal) or if it's just the heat or she's managing her weight on her own because this food is so filling. For now, I guess I will just be throwing out a bit of food every time I fill up her bowl (actually a tupperware container because we're cheap like that).
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  10. #1110
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    Hrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh

    I'm a zombie today.

    No, not really.

    I'M FUCKING EXHAUSTED.

    I got plenty of sleep this weekend, but it turned out to be too much, so I could not fall asleep last night. I think I got about 3 hours total, spread about at various points in the night/early morning. Hard to tell when you're good at zoning out. I woke up so tired that I practically fell onto Boyfriend in tears, kind of freaked him out because he suggested I do a half day and make up the hours throughout the week. So tempting, but I am going to tough it out because I hate the idea of a 9 hr day. Well, 9.5, for lunch. Anyway, I could not shut off my brain last night, but could not focus well enough to read, so I basically could not do anything but lie there.

    I need to get more Zyrtec. The histamine pills I got are okay-ish, but I keep waking up with my mouth hanging open and feeling pretty congested. Not good enough. The raw local honey definitely helps also, but still not enough. And that doesn't help with grass, which I found out is what those fluffy seeds were from.

    I'm waiting for my big-ass thunderstorm, where is it? Supposed to happen over the next couple of days. I want some thunder and lighting, baby! I hope it rains tonight because it will definitely help me sleep. I have our air filter (which still desperately needs a new filter) running and the white noise usually helps, but not last night.

    I have a blog post planned, but need to hunt down an old photo on my external hard drive to make it happen. I think it's from 2005. It was printed on the high school's literary magazine, but I don't know where my copy of that publication is anymore.

    I feel guilty for
    -not having finished editing wedding photos and sent them to my aunt
    -not writing a blog post Friday or Monday (and why seriously why would I feel guilty for this? I don't have a regular readership anyway)
    -feeling angry at Boyfriend for his nocturnal schedule (I think it's okay to be angry about it, but the guilt makes no sense)
    -eating ice cream (as well I should! I got a few pimples as a result)

    No response from my dad yet, s'possible he hasn't seen it yet. Wondering now if I got his email address right.

    And if you're wondering, dawn & white vinegar make a GREAT scum-busting cleaning solution, but your bathroom will smell like vinegar all day (blegh).
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